Really sorry about the wait for this, everytime I was working on this I would somehow end up back writing give me love, but finally I've managed to concentrate long enough to get this out there. Sadly this is going to be coming to an end soon, with maybe five more chapter or so left to do. I hope you all enjoy, LG x
Chapter 27
Brendan's point of view
It's hard opening up to people, letting someone in on your past even if they assure you that they won't ever leave you, there's still always that doubt in your head. That's exactly how I feel with Steven although he's never judged or looked at me different no matter what I've told him but it's still hard.
Partly I feel like ripping the plaster off and telling him my full life story just so I know he loves me completely for who I am, that no matter what I tell him it'll never change anything for us, but I know I'm kidding myself if I think that.
As soon as I tell him the truth about my dad it'll change everything and I won't be able to take it back. He might pity me or be completely disgusted that I'm damaged goods, it's that doubt that stops me every time I think about telling him.
Even with the image of Steven and Declan in my mind this morning, Steven making us all breakfast and talking away to Declan about some new movie, the easy way he moved around my kitchen and the way his face brightened when he had noticed me stood watching him as he maked a joke about me staring at him.
He had to leave not long after breakfast since Amy and his kids were coming, I've managed to keep myself occupied while watching mind-numbing television with Declan, who's too busy texting away on his phone to even bother looking at the screen.
"Who ye texting?" I ask before I can help myself, he might be turning eighteen but he's still my son.
He looks over at me before huffing a laugh, "It's just mam, she wants to know what time I'll be landing at so she can get me from the airport."
I had half forgot, half put it at the back of my mind that he would be leaving today, it's always hard saying goodbye to him but I know he should be back soon if Eileen agrees to letting him study here.
"Ste's gonna come to the airport aswell isn't he?" He asks while avoiding eye contact,
"If ye want" I shrug, "Chez won't be able to though, her night working at the club."
He gives me a nod, "That's cool, I think I'll go see her for a few hours before I leave, haven't really seen her much since I got here."
"I'm sure she would love that." I tell him truthfully,
"Why don't you all come over for Christmas?" He asks with hope beaming in his eyes,
"No can do I'm afraid." I mutter and now it's me that can't hold eye contact with him, "Club will be busy, might come over after the new year when it quitens down a bit."
He smiles cheerfully at me and I'm thankful of how easy going he is although I don't have a clue where he got it from, we idly talk for a while before he leaves to head to the club.
I know Steven's with his kids but now that I've nothing to keep me busy I seem to run out of excuses not to go round to his, I know he wouldn't mind and I doubt Amy would either so with that on my mind I decide to head round.
It isn't until I get to his front door that I become nevous, what am I even supposed to say to him? That I missed him? The thought sounds ridiculous since I had seen him earlier in the day but I know it's true and before I change my mind I force myself to knock on the door.
There isn't an answer straight away and I'm about to leave when the door opens revealing Amy,
"Brendan! Hi." She smiles slightly awkwardly,
"Alright, is Steven around?" I ask feeling ridiculous stood outside the front door when I spend more time in that house than she does.
"He's just popped out with the kids to the park." She explains before pulling the door open wide enough to let me through, "He won't be long, why don't I make us a tea and you can wait on him?" She offers,
I nod before making my way in, taking in the surroundings, Steven's house isn't the most modern of places but he normally manages to keep it in order oddly enough there's a few toys doted about the place, obviously been left abandoned when one of them have found something better to occupy them.
"So how've you been?" Amy asks while passing me a cup filled with tea,
"Yeah good, you?" I almost wince at the awkward small talk,
Thankfully Amy seems to be a bit of a chatter as she starts talking about the kids, the same pride gleaming across her features that Steven has when he talks about them,
"Things going well with you and Ste then?"
"Yeah as far as I know it's been.. great."
She grins at me, "He does sounds really happy Brendan, I'm glad because for a while I was a bit worried."
I don't need to question what she's referring to before I answer her, "I would never hurt him Amy, definitely not intentionally."
"I know that now." She nods with a smile,
"I'll be honest with ye Amy I don't know if there will be times when he'll be hurt because of me, I haven't got the best of pasts. I push away the people I care about but I'm trying my best to let him in." I don't know why I tell her maybe partly because I need to get it out or maybe I'm making excuses for myself,
She frowns at that, sitting her cup down "What do you mean by that?"
"Truthfully I don't trust myself to keep him happy enough I know myself well enough to know I'll do something to ruin things and push him away." It must be something to do with Amy as a person because I would never say these things aloud to anyone,
She looks thoughtful before answering, "Why are you with him then?"
I look away from her torn expression when I answer, "Because I'm selfish and I love him too much to let him go."
"Well you should keep that in mind any time your in doubt about the two of you." She smiles reassuringly, "So are you going to the wedding with Ste?" She asks not so subtly changing the subject,
"Yeah I think so." I nod, "I'm surprised it's even going ahead if I'm honest."
"John Paul has always loved a bit of drama that's all." She says grinning and rolling her eyes, "It runs in the McQueen family."
"Yeah I'll take your word for it." I huff a laugh, "but it was more Douglas I was thinking about and his.. mum didn't seem too excited about it."
"I don't know everything that's went on but from what Ste's told me Doug is just having cold feet, him and Ste didn't even get this close to the marriage stage and he didn't want to give up on them so I doubt he would when him and John Paul are so serious." She laughs a little, "And Connie's just a sour sweety, Doug could bring home Mr Perfect and he still wouldn't be good enough."
I can't help but join in with her laughing and now I can understand why Steven still has such a good relationship with her, part of me is annoyed at myself for not having it with Eileen,
"I better get going." I say while I check the time on my phone realising I've been here for over an hour, I hope to be able to spend some time with Cheryl and Declan before he has to go,
"Sorry I didn't realise how long he'd be gone but he does like to have the kids to himself for a bit, guess he must be taking advantage of the dry weather." She grins at me, "I'm glad you came round Brendan, that we got to talk just the two of us."
"Yeah me too, this was.. nice." I tell her truthfully as she puts our cups into the sink and walks me towards the door,
"If you ever feel in doubt about Ste I'm always here to talk, he's my best friend and I know how happy your making him. I'm glad he's found someone so nice." She grins while awkwardly hugging me at the door,
"Thanks Amy." I smile at her still a bit unsure of why she would hug me, "I'll see ye around."
I give her a small wave as she grins and waves broadly before shutting the door. I can't believe I'm thinking this but I think I just made a friend in Amy Barnes..
I make my way to the club while texting Steven to let him know I had been round to the flat and letting him know what time Declan's flight is at to see if he would be able to make it.
When I get to the club I grin seeing Cheryl and Declan talking at the bar,
"Bren!" Cheryl squeals when she notices me making my way over,
"How's everything?" I ask while looking at the both of them.
"Yeah great da." Declan grins at me, "I'm trying to convince Auntie Chez to skive from work to take me out for dinner."
"That does sound like a plan." I say in agreement while turning to Cheryl,
She rolls her eyes while huffing a laugh, "What are you Brady men like." She says but she's still grinning.
"How about we have a few in here then head to the dog for dinner?" I ask, "I'm sure the staff can look after the place for a couple of hours."
She pretends to think about it while giggling freely, "Since ye twisted my arm."
She links arms with Declan and takes him over to one of the tables while I get left to sort out our drinks.
They have a few drinks before we head to the pub and have something to eat the time flies by so quickly that before I know it it's already time to get Declan to the airport. We make our way round as Cheryl goes back to the club.
Thankfully when we get in Steven's already in waiting on us and a huge grin breaks over my face when I see him,
"I'll go take this down to the car." Declan tells me while nodding to his case, I hand the keys over to him before I look back at Steven,
"Ye didn't answer my text I wasn't sure if ye would be coming."
"Course I am, I was just was busy with the kids, I meant to text back but forgot." He grins,
"Why do ye look so happy?" I can't help but wonder,
"I got a text from the clinic didn't I?" He grins, "Just to confirm that I'm negative."
"We'll we already knew that." I say laughing back, "Douglas doesn't have it so how could it have came from ye and skipped him but went to John Paul."
"Hondstly I'm surprised John Paul didn't try that one." He grins, "But it's just nice to have proof I'm clean now."
"Ye know I didn't actually think ye had anything after we spoke about it don't ye?"
"Well yeah but still.." he shrugs
"Do ye think I should go get checked? That way it means we don't have to.." I'm at a loss of words for how to even finish that sentence.
"We've already had unprotected sex haven't we? It would've came up if ya had anything." He says playing it down, "Unless this is your way of telling me you've been sleeping around with ransoms."
I'm about to tell him to stop being stupid until I look at his face and see him beaming before his booming laugh hits my ears,
"C'mere." I beckon him but he shakes his head while stepping away,
"I think your forgetting where we need to be." He grins, "Later though yeah?"
"Yeah later." I say with a roll of my eyes, fair to say some of his habits are rubbing off on me, it doesn't stop me from pulling him towards me though.
We stay like that while we walk down the stairs to get Declan who's attempting to fit his case in my car.
"Be more gentle Dec yeah?" I mutter while I take over and put it in the boot.
Steven's about to go into the back and I'm about to tell him to sit in the front but Declan gets there first,
"Ste you sit in the front, I'll go in the back." He offers and all Steven does is give a nod along with one of his smiles.
"What's the first thing your gonna do when ya get back home then?" I hear Steven ask Declan,
"See my ma and Padraig, then play on the PlayStation with a few mates."
I zone out after that as the both start talking about video games,
We wait with him while he goes to get his boarding pass and check in his case before heading upstairs until we reach the point before security,
I can hear Declan whisper when he pulls Steven into a hug "I'm glad my da has someone like you Ste." He grins "I can tell you are both really happy"
"Yeah I'm definitely happy." I can hear the grin in Stevens voice as I pretend I can't hear them,
"Look after him yeah?"
"Course, it were nice meeting ya Declan, I'll see ya soon."
"Yeah you too Ste."
I can't help but beam when I see the exchange between them and I feel pride that I've gotten approval off my son about Steven.
Its my turn to take him in my arms as we say goodbye,
"Don't fuck up yeah?" Declan offers while grinning cheekily,
"Oi watch it yeah." I say but can't seem to sound angry, "I'll miss ye Deccy, give me a phone when ye land?"
"Yeah will do, miss you too." He says along with a pat on the back as he pulls away. Both Steven and myself wave goodbye to Declan as he makes his way through to security, before he's out of sight.
"Back home?" I offer to Steven before he nods back, even though it isn't official that Steven's moved in with me he doesn't correct me and it's on the tip of my tounge to ask him but I hold back because that doubts still there and I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don't have it.
Belfast Christmas Eve 2010
"Bren did ye hear me?" I can hear Cheryl's light sobs through the phone, "It's daddy, Brendan they've found his body." She's in full blown hysterical crying now and I wince at the fact I can't hold her and make her feel better.
I say all the things a son should say when they find out they've lost a parent, it's automatic almost robotic, but I had already known what she would say before I had even picked up the phone. I had seen him take his last breath and I hadn't done anything to help, not that I could've done much but I had just left.
He had never been the greatest dad and somethings you just can't forgive but still I've got the burden that maybe I should've done something, even if it was just to make myself feel better but in that moment I got what I wanted. My da was dead and I got to see him suffer, I got to see him take his last miserable breath while he looked at me with a pleading expression one I'm sure I had worn many times around him.
In that moment I felt better and I felt like maybe I could let go but it didn't last for long, not when Cheryl was so torn up about it and I was practically beaming that the fact our shared parent was no longer here. She had asked why I hadn't cried, not when I got told or when it was his funeral or any of anniversaries.
She couldn't believe I could be so heartless and numb, that's the reason why we had ended up going to a councillors office, I have a feeling she might've known there had been bad blood between my dad and I but she never pried, only said something about people grieving in different ways but I wasn't grieving at all if anything I had been rejoicing.
I know the Brendan, Amy talk is a bit iffy but it came to me as I was writing so I decided just to go with it.. I would've liked to see them become friends in the show if Brendan ever did make a return to the village but for obvious reasons that won't be happening now.. So next update will have the muchly awaited wedding, well if it goes ahead that is. Hope you enjoyed, LG x