Octavia
Five days until the radioactive storm
I thought long and hard about what Echo had said all night. She was right, but…could I really just tell Bellamy I forgave him? Could I just let him in and take it, the good and the bad?
It isn't fair to him, it never was.
It isn't fair to me either, but I could stop his suffering even if I couldn't stop mine.
I could have my brother back.
He could have his sister back.
We could be happy. Couldn't we? We could be happy for our final days, and happier if we both survived.
We could.
I stood up and dusted my pants off. It was time to find my brother.
Bellamy
"Bell?"
She appeared behind me, once again. And, once again, I wondered what she and Echo had talked about. Echo wouldn't tell what had been said. But maybe O would. She hasn't called me Bell in so long, not since Lincoln had died.
I got a closer look at her. She looked absolutely miserable.
"O. Are you okay?"
She nodded. "Can we talk?"
"Of course." I patted the log beside me.
She shook her head. "Not out here. Somewhere private."
Without a word I was up and following her into the tower. She found an unoccupied room and sat at the edge of the bed. I sat beside her and frowned at how fidgety she was. What happened last night?
She whispered something in a broken voice and I strained unsuccessfully to hear. "What, O?"
"I'm sorry," she sobbed.
Immediately my arms were around her, holding her close. I rocked her back and forth as she sobbed. Minutes—or was it hours?—passed before she was calm enough to speak coherently.
"Bell, I—I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I blamed you all this time."
It felt like my heart was breaking, watching her break down in tears before me. "I—I'm sorry."
"Shh, it's okay, O."
"No it isn't! I just…" another wave of sobs racked through her body.
She drew in a breath, steadying herself. "I need to tell you everything. And I need you to not freak out."
I nodded shakily. I need you to not freak out. What she was about to tell me was bad. And I had to keep my cool if I wanted her to tell me everything. I wasn't too sure I wanted to hear everything, but I'd so—or listen to—anything to get my sister back.
She sighed. "Okay. I was really angry, and hurt, when Lincoln died. That he died because you sided with Pike. You were the one who started the whole 'Pike for Chancellor' campaign, you led an army to slaughter three hundred sleeping warriors, you led another army to kill an entire village. You did a lot of bad things, Bell."
I nodded. I knew what I did, it haunts me every day. And it probably will the rest of my life. I'm almost gad that it haunts me—it reminds me of the man I became and the man I never want to be again.
"I went down a pretty dark path, I'll admit it. I…I'm not perfect either. I hurt you, physically and emotionally the past few months and I'm…I'm so sorry." She took another shaky breath and sniffed, trying to keep her emotions at bay long enough to tell me her story.
"I thought…I pushed you away. I made you think that I hated you, I tried to make you hate me, so that we didn't grow close again. After Lincoln…you're all I have left, besides maybe Ilian. But if something happened to you, it'd kill me, Bell. It would. I needed to protect myself, and you too in some way. But…I, um…I love you Bell. I never stopped, and I'm so sorry I made you think I did."
I grabbed her in a bone-crushing hug. Then I remembered something.
"O, Ilian? Isn't he the guy who burned Arkadia down?"
She nodded slowly. "There's more I haven't told you yet."
I nodded to her to continue, but she hesitated. "Remember how I told you not the freak out?"
I nodded. What was she about to say? Was she with this guy?
"I tried to kill him. While you were out delivering the hydrazine. I put him on his knees and held a gun to his head…the same place that Pike did that to Lincoln, and…I didn't even know who I was anymore." The raw pain in her voice and the new trail of tears made my heart feel like it was shredding. "When Kane reminded me…I took off and Ilian followed me. We got caught in the black rain and ended up in a cave to wait it out. He kept talking to me about his pain and I wished for pain in the moment, I wished for anything but the numbness that took over. That's when I…"
She trailed off, averting her gaze.
"When you what?" Silence. "O!"
"I just wanted it to be over!" she sobbed. "I just wanted to feel something besides numbness. I wanted it to end."
Was she saying…?
"O…"
"I walked into the rain, wanting the burn, wanting the pain, and wanting my life to end. But Ilian stopped me. He carried me from the rain and pinned me down. He wouldn't let me kill myself." She swiped at her cheek, rubbing the tear trails off. "I'm glad he didn't let me."
I pressed a kiss to her temple. "Me too, O. Me too."