Ch.9- The Anger and Pain

I feel hands wrap around me, but I shake them off. Though when I hear my boys I let myself fall even more into the ground to feel them wrap their arms around me. I feel the pain of losing someone I love hit me like a freight train. The truth of it all comes crashing down, and all I want to do is protect my family and get payback on the one that had taken a crucial part away. I feel Luke shake me a little bit causing me to let go of my boys as I look up.

"Magnus, I need you to help with the warlock that did this. We have no idea who he is and why he did this to Alec."

I nod my head, "We can talk about it with the Clave and I will have my words with them like how the hell a warlock can be so unknown if they are so all knowing."

Luke sighs as he looks at me, "Magnus, they're either old enough to stay hidden or young enough to not have stood out. It's not the clave's fault."

"Not the Clave's fault! Are you kidding me it's the clave that's gotten us into this entire mess and they just don't know it? They want power even after the whole Valentine mess and have yet to learn a thing."

Luke groans as he pulls me into an empty room, "That might be true, but Alec has changed the Institute in so many ways. He has made it for your sons can be classmates and so much more. He's made it so downworlders and shadowhunters alike can learn and be friends without a select few looking down on them. Alec has made it his life to do all of this after he met you and he has done it in such a short amount of time. If it needs to be done or hell if you can get away with it I'll gladly have you get payback, but I need you to think of those 2 boys out there first. They need their fathers and you are all they have left. They need you, Magnus, to hold them up and help them strive to be what Alec has… had envisioned for them. Maybe one day your son won't need to glamour himself to get around and Rafe no matter what his life looks like he'll stand by his father's beliefs."

I fall down and start crying all over again. Luke pulls me into his arms so I can cry, "Luke, he was ready to die. He… he was ready to die and was talking about how he wrote letters to all of us and how he adds onto them at least once a year. I should take what he had written and save them for the boys… shouldn't I? I mean they're only 9 and 7 it's not like they…"

"Do you remember how they came into your life, Magnus? Max was abandoned by who knows who and Rafe's family was killed leaving him to live off the streets. Hell, he wanted nothing to do with you and Alec no matter how many times you visited until you came with Max. What happened after he started to live with your small family?"

"It was all a mess. He thought to have a barely toddler be our issue, but Max has always been a sweet little boy. With Rafe it was different. He was scared of us, but from the beginning, he has loved Max. Alec and I would always find him looking over Max's crib at night. When asked about it Rafe would go quiet until one night he had said, 'I never had a baby brother someone to protect. I know you'll be safe protect all of us, but I want to protect Maxie.' It destroyed us. It's like how the boys wouldn't go to sleep until Alec would get home from his shift. They'd have him call all the time. Their father was a big bad shadowhunter who put his family first priority before anything else. Hell, he put all of us ahead of the Clave and that's what has gotten us into this mess. He was talking with a woman who has raised warlock babies with love and care. Alec wanted to do that even with how human he was. He wanted to nurture all sides of Max he could."

"It's my fault," when I hear the broken tiny voice I feel my heart squeeze.

Slowly turning I see Max standing at the door with Rafe.

"I killed daddy. I killed him it's all my fault."

I quickly wrap my arms around my youngest, "No, it's not your fault. Sure, he went there to talk to the nice lady, but it's cause she was in danger. She didn't give specifics and your daddy can… would get over confident sometimes, no matter how rare. She was his friend. He thought it was a simple human problem not what it turned out to be. Max," he doesn't look up and he doesn't stop shaking, "trust me when I say this your daddy would never blame you for what has happened. He has… had always wanted what's best for you and wanted you to be raised with ideas we both believe in."

I look up to see Rafe just standing there looking like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wave a hand at him and he jumps into our small family hug, "I don't blame you, Max. I still love you and when we get older we'll both be strong enough to even protect papa."

I chuckle as I look at my boys proud of the men they're grown up to be and I know that Alec will watch over us all.

To say that leaving my boys with their aunts, uncle, and cousin was an easy decision you'd be wrong, but I do need to talk to this warlock. He's a disease and diseases are to be dealt with. To say that the man in the cell is the one I was told about I'd be shocked cause he looks like nothing important and maybe that's how he's flown below radar's like he has.

"Oh lovely they're done sending someone from the gloomy brigade and sent a colorful puppet," the man groans as he looks at the door of his cell. He sits up and starts laughing, "Oh not just any puppet at that but the great Magnus Bane. Ohhh… I'm guessing that little curse finally killed off lover boy or are you here to beg for the cure. Trust me when I say death is the only answer."

I look at the man at the doors and I motion to them, "Open them." the man stands there looking at me like I grew another head, "Open the stupid door. I won't kill him or break him out of here… I might kill him, but not before answers are given."

The last bit seems to sign the deal as he says, "Alexander Lightwood is a hero to us all and they want to do something more in his honor."

I nod my head as I walk into the small cell and I watch the warlock's bravado disappear as soon as we hear the special little click telling him that he's trapped in there with me.

"What do you want Bane?"

I move over to him and take him his little bracelets ones that took a whole lot of failures to create. I look to my side at a chair that I quickly sit down I like one of those bad cops that you see in movies. I guess to say that registering that I had a file in my hands on the guy is a bit stupid. I open it up giving him long silence as I quickly read through it.

"How did a lowlife warlock like you learn a curse like that?"

I watch a smirk appear on the guys face and I have to dig my nails into my hand not to kill this guy.

"You mean the curse that killed your fiancé? Ohhh… well you see the girl I was seeing I was only seeing cause she's raised a lot of warlocks and had helped a lot of them as well. They had a spell trading thing going on. Though that curse spell one was something she had found out about and locked away. That Lightwood was the first person I had ever gotten to use it on and the results weren't what I was expecting, but I guess it's supposed to affect people a bit differently. Do I need to know what he died of? I bet it was pretty pathetic. I mean as you called me I'm nothing but a lowlife warlock. Yet I cursed and killed the great Lightwood engaged to all high and mighty Magnus Bane."

"Alec wasn't the target… I was."

A shit eating smile answers that, "Of course. There are still people that find you to be pathetic and thought a lesson was in order. We never knew what to do and then Alec showed up and our questions were answered. He died cause of you and nothing else."

I don't know what happened I blacked out, but I find myself with blood on my hands and the warlock barely breathing gasping for air as blood pools from his mouth. He's just cackling like a fucking hyena. I look down at my hands clenching them tightly trying to reel myself in. I try to move to find myself restrained. I catch my reflection to see that Cas is standing there with her hands tightly around me.

I look up at her, "What the hell did I do?"

She shakes her head as if to tell me to be quiet. A shadowhunter comes over asking us, "Mr. Bane in the light of what this man had done we'll look the other way on what had just transpired here. Alec Lightwood was a visionary and we are all hurt by your lose." he looks up at Cas, "We'd also like to know who this is."

I truly look back at my sister to take in her glamour and cold stare, "She's been helping us with a few things. Plus the boys absolutely love her daughter."

Cas shakes her head, "I'm Cassandra, Magnus' older half-sister. I've spent the last few decades in hiding cause of you lot. Shadowhunters have always scared me. Now before you ask any more questions I'm going to say that we need to make funeral arrangements. I'll answer any questions once we've all had our own personal time to grieve."

I feel like a child being dragged off to my punishment as Cas portals us back to my apartment. Though we're in my bedroom. I close my eyes and once again the effects of today hit me.

"Magnus I know you aren't ready to truly talk about any of the arrangements so I'll leave you to get your bearings and a nice shower."

I nod my head as I look at how bloody I truly am and I'm sure none of it is my own. I find my way into the bathroom that's connected to our bedroom…. To my bedroom. I start to strip my clothing and quickly wash the blood off. Once the water is clear I can't stand the memories that just a simple place can hold. The simple lazy morning kisses and time alone where we'd just hold each other cause we always told ourselves that we had more time. That we'd have at least another 20 years before the thought of death would hit us. I bit my lip as I sink to the floor of the shower and let myself cry in peace. I let myself cry in memory of my lost lover… in the memory of my lost true love. I've always known myself to fall in love too fast, but to say that Alec has always been different case to me is an understatement all on its own. Alec was a force of nature that brought a beauty while everyone else could never amount to what Alec did. He had his own special way to get under my skin and I know at first it was just infatuation, but it quickly grew into something more and all I wanted was as much time with him as I could. Alec had given me pretty much everything that I could ever wish for and I know I'll always love him for that.

There's knocking on the door, "Magnus, you should get out I'm sure even your place will run out of hot water after over an hour in the shower."

I pull myself from the floor to find myself staring at the mirror and find myself remembering Alec's sigh when he had noticed how big it was, 'Magnus, do we really need this stupid thing in our bathroom?' I remember laughing as I wrapped my arms around his naked waist since we had just gotten out of the shower, 'Of course what better than to see your beauty with, my nephilim.' He had looked back at me, 'Alright, my love I concede.' Alec will always be my angel, my love, and no one will ever take his place. I shake my head as I make my way to my bedroom and I feel the need to change everything, but yet keep it exactly the same.

"Mags, what's taking you so long?" I hear my sister groan as he walks back into the room, "I might care for seeing you naked, but I think your family would like clothing and as much as possible."

I nod my head as I find my way to now only my closet. I'm standing there naked and I want to laugh and scream about how many black sweaters and shirts Alec owns. Yet I find myself taking his favorite off the hanger and bringing it to my nose smelling it clothing knowing the smell will calm me down. I look at the closet door to see Cas leaning against it and I don't feel any anger at her knowing she's been in this exact place far more times than I ever have.

"It never gets easy especially when you have so much more planned to do with your life with them. Arthur always wanted me to keep something from each life I've spent with him. I don't think I truly have for long except when he was an artist and that life I made a special exhibit for with a colleague of mine. Magnus, I'm gonna go outside with everyone maybe even pick up some clothing," I see her in a mirror turning to leave, but she stops to look over her shoulder, "You should hurry up your sons need you more than ever."

I slowly nod my head as she leaves. I find myself in Alec's favorite pair of my pants along with his sweater. I look at myself catching the light on the rings on my hand and the memory of the one in Alec's desk hits me. I find my way to Alec's little office and I open the drawer he had said. I quickly grab everything from it and make my way out of it locking it behind me. Cas seems to have a look between pride and pity and I know it's cause I went into Alec's office, but maybe I'm able to cause his death truly hasn't hit me yet.

Izzy notices what's in my arms and I watch her face turn a bit sadder, but it still has a gentle touch to it. I have expected her and Jace to hate me, but their faces seem a lot different than when Max died. They seem to be more accepting than anything.

"What's wrong with you, 2? Your brother is dead and you act like this."

Izzy and Jace nod their heads holding something back. Izzy is the first one to speak, "Of course, Magnus. Alec always planned ahead for the unseen. This was one of them. We've been preparing this for the last day or 2 plus it doesn't help that we've already read and watched what Alec had left for his death the day he gave it to us forever ago. Our brother's death well we wish we were the ones that dealt with the warlock that had done to this to our family."

"Our family?" I can't help but ask them.

"Of course our family. Wedding vows might be until death do us part, but that doesn't mean that we'll abandon you just cause our brother died. Magnus, you are family no matter what. You might not want to watch us grow old, but you're a little too late to get rid of us. Alec has always told us that we were to stick to you like glue…. Or was it more visual than that."

Jace nods his head, "It was. He got creative and all and we can't remember. We wrote it down so when we find it we'll have you see."

Izzy nods her head, "You're stuck with us way before you and Alec even told you he loved you."

I let the tears fall and my in-laws hug me. Even biscuit gives me a big hug. Still, I find myself on the couch with both of my sons crowded around me boxing me in. Cas is at the end of the couch looking comfy, but there's something in her eyes that makes my heart go out to her. Though I'm also worried cause it's the look that means she's hiding something from me. I can't deal with this right now. All I know is I need months of rest, major TLC especially with my boys, and large amounts of alcohol to drown myself in. Though I think I can hold myself off of the liquor until the boys are out of the house.

We're all ignoring what Alec had left for the boys and I. Hell even Cat, when she drops in, ignores the letters before she drops down in a chair with a glass of some whiskey she conquered up. We're all silent until its Max and Rafe who break the silence telling a story I'm sure I've heard from Alec's point of view. Then the stories keep going and the pain is still there floating on top of the surface, but it's a bit easier. Maybe after 50 years, I'll finally be able to think of him without the tears in my eyes. I'm not even sure how I'm going to make it through his funeral.