Ch.10- Heart's Pyre

"I don't think I can go through with this?"

Cas sighs exhausted cause she's spent since the day Alec died keeping me together like it's her job… Maybe she's trying to make up for all the times she wasn't there for me when I was damn near falling apart. I can tell she wants to fall apart right with me, but she uses her daughter for a reason not to. I've been trying to use the boys just the same way, but they keep asking about their father and I truthfully don't know what else to do.

"Magnus, I wish I could say it gets easier that time will heal the wounds but it never does. Even with me knowing I'll see him again I still plan funerals and watch him die. It's been far too many times, but it makes up for all the time I had spent alone and I know you didn't get a lot of time with Alec, but I know he made up for most of the that time in in such. Look there's already a cemetery plot and with a memorial just for him. I know none of us truly ever thought it would be so soon. I'm just glad I know a carver. He made the perfect monument marker for Alec's grave. I think you'll love it."

I nod my head, "You were working on it for such a long time I'm a bit shocked about it. Though I'm sure I'll love it once I see it."

Cas nods her head, "Alright, well I'm going to go get the boys ready and you should do the same thing."

I watch her leave before I pull on my clothing in which I had picked out some of Alec's old clothing to wear to his funeral…. They still smell like him. I slip on Alec's favorite jewelry but I think I'll keep the arrow ear cuff on. I stare at my reflection and I can still imagine the feeling of Alec wrapping his arms around my waist when he'd come up behind me. I chuckle as I sit down to see the wall covered in polaroids and simple photobooth photos. It started all from our first date after we got back together when we had gone to Japan once again. After that whenever we had gone out and there was a photobooth or it was some event we'd come home with polaroids and other photos. The ones on my wall are just some of my favorites. I place simple look on and play with the blue on the tips of my hair the color just doesn't match the color of his eyes though.

There's a knock on the door and I grab the original print of Alec's favorite photo booth polaroid. I make my way out the door and pull Max into my arms and Rafe to my side. I kiss their heads as I lead the way out of the apartment and we quickly find ourselves in front of a stone angel statue. The face looks just like Alec's and it only has a loose sheet in his lap that's falling off slowly it'd be held there by hands holding a bow and quiver filled with arrows to his leg. It's all simple and heartwarming as people go up talking about Alec while his siblings, our boys, and I sit upfront by a portrait of him. When they're all done it's silent and no one moves from their seats. I take a deep breathe holding the photo gently, but tightly in my hand where I have the wedding ring Alec had designed for me.

"Thank you for coming today. I know this isn't too much like a traditional shadowhunter funeral, but I thought since Alec had made friends from all over the spectrum that we'd do 2 different way. His family's long tradition and something new. Truthfully I didn't think it was going to get this big. He was like that," I let a little chuckle sigh, "Alec, had a habit of pulling in strays without even realizing it and he wanted to give them all chances from a warlock baby left in our care to a shadowhunter child with nowhere else to turn. We've looked after all kinds of children over the years even a young werewolf cub that no one wanted to take in all cause he wouldn't shift back from his wolf after he lost his parents to fire. Standing here today we're all people that Alec had influenced in the best of ways. Sure he's never much of talker, but when he cared about you or anyone you knew," I smile out at everyone and give them a lift lifting an eyebrow, "you were taken care of and if he didn't like you and you meant something to someone he cared for he'd stomach you even if it was painful for both sides. The man I loved… No, loved isn't the right word for how I feel for Alexander Lightwood-Bane. I love him and I know I will always love him. To me he was… is silver and the light of a shining star that turned my world around. You'd think knowing that I'm a warlock I'd be ready to accept the idea of death of a loved you'd be beyond wrong. Alec and I always fought about mortality and more specifically his mortality about a life without him and I could never picture anything like that. I imaged a life years from now still happily in love and maybe someday ready to let go, but with him I know I'll never be ready to do such a thing. Yet with everything that he has given all of and I'd like to believe that keeping his memory alive along with his ideals he'll live on for years to come and that," I stop as I wipe some tears from my eyes, "That means so much more to me. It's something that our boys will do and what every person who truly knew Alec will do. He fought for rights that no one else would and for his good deeds we all can be here today. Before I pass this off to someone else I want to read the end of a famous poem by Edgar Allan Poe, Annabelle Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we-

Of many far wiser than we-

And neither the angels in Heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:-

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And the stars never rise but I see the bright eyes

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,

In her sepulchre there by the sea-

In her tomb by the side of the sea."

I walk over to the base of the angel statue and place the photo there. I walk back over to Cas, Mel, and the boys. I wrap my arms around the kids and find myself shocked as I watch my sister walk to front of the statue looking like she's on the runway in a mixture of satin and lace black bodycon dress with black lace Louboutin heels with the most striking thing being the locket around her neck that holds of her memories. She stands there for a silent moment before she looks up waving a hand flashing her antique wedding ring.

"Hello, a lot of you might not know me but I'm Magnus' older half-sister Cassandra. I've only recently resurfaced to be in my brother's life after what seems to be over 300 years of being apart. I know I might not have any right to come up here and talk about Alec, but in the short time of knowing him I can only think of the kind of person he is. Sure when we first met I kind of was using their shower and they walked in on me naked so as first impressions go it wasn't the greatest. Though he warmed up to me faster than I'd ever think would happen. He let into his family and into his heart. Alec was the one that seemed to know exactly what to do and say to help cheer me up. He stood by me and he was and always be one of my best of friends. Even when he started to feel sick he made sure his family was taken care of and he counted my daughter and me just the same. I'm sad that in just the short amount of time that I lost him just like everyone else, but I feel like I didn't know him enough like everyone else. Alec though was like an enigma you'd think you know and he'd surprise you. A man like Alexander Gideon Lightwood-Bane is someone you'd like to be especially the man he turned out to be after he met my brother. The moment when he became tired of fighting just who he is and that's something we all should have in mind. Alec will be missed and I wish that his loved ones can accept and move past the pain."

I can feel a slight weight lift off my chest and I give my sister a look as she walks back over to me. I sigh as I look at the angel statue again still not sure why it has Alec's face. As if she knows what's on my mind she takes my hand giving it a good squeeze, "I did it so the boys will always know that their father will look after and protect them no matter what."

I chuckle, "That's true. Alec was truly special like that. Though I was really surprised with how close the 2 of you got after he acted after seeing you naked. Though that wasn't the first time you 2 met."

She leaves over as she answers the unasked question, "The wish giver is dead remember and that's who they were chasing."

I nod my head as I look down at my niece who is staring at the statue with sad eyes that seem to wonder where she is mentally. I move my hand from Rafe's shoulder to hers causing her to look up at me, I watch a small smile grace her lips. I feel the pain start to seep from her bones away from her to the earth, but as that happens I feel the same thing happen to about anyone else that's in the area. I shake off the feeling of dread that slipped in with that. I stare at my niece as she stares right back at me and before she looks away once again she gives me a shy little smile. I give her shoulder a squeeze before I pull Raph against my leg again and Max turns even more into an octopus wrapping his arms and legs around me.

I realize that people had started to leave and soon it's just Alec's siblings, mom, and well the kids, my sister, and me. I stand there feeling myself lean back into the tree. Max quickly lets go of me making his way to stand on the ground next to his brother. I smile down at them, but I know it doesn't truly reach my eyes. I watch Cas reign the kids over to her as she opens a portal to my apartment, "I'm taking the kids home. I'm sure they don't want to hear the grownups talk."

I nod my head as I walk over the kids to pull them into a tight hug.

"Do you hate us, Papa?"

I feel as if someone had just shot a cannonball into my gut as I hug my boys even tighter, "No, I don't hate you. I love you both so much no matter what. I believe I've talked to you several times Max that I would never blame you for your father. Alec was there to talk to a friend who was in help and it was not your fault. Alec is a very protective person and it's his duty to protect everyone from the troubles of our world."

I stand there looking in Max's eyes trying to relay to him just how much I love him and how I don't blame him. Raph even pulls his brother into more of a hug telling him just how much he loves him. I smile at them moving what hair they have looking around I pull Max's glamour away for a short while.

Max seems surprised but I shake my head, "your daddy loved this look for you and I'm sure he'd love to see it again."

Max smiles at me, 'Really?"

I nod my head, "Yes, that's what I think. Why do you think we both have always thought that you are our little blue?"

I watch max smile as he nods his head and slowly the boys leave and I'm facing Alec's siblings and mother. I'm surprised to have Maryse pulling me into her arms. I feel as if I should be comforting his family and not the other way around. Though after Maryse lets me go I'm pulled into Izzy's arms. I stand there leaning into her feeling all my energy leaving my body quicker than I'd think so. They stand there quietly before they tell me that they'll be going to the loft. I nod my head and watch them slowly leave. Once I'm the only person left I move to the statue and place flowers down. I stare at the flowers wondering just what they mean. They're like the flowers that I had given him in the hospital. I stare at them holding back my tears wondering if I should say anything or if I should just leave.

I wave my hand again and 2 small candles like we'd burn when someone would die when I was a child. I stand there looking at the flowers and candles feeling a bit more like he's standing there with me.

"Hi, my love. I'm not sure if this will be the last time or not that I come here or if this is just the start of a new routine. I don't know but I do know that I already miss you more than life itself and I'm not sure what I'd do if I didn't have the boys. I know we had decided to leave the number of my past lovers in the past, but it doesn't matter cause I will never love anyone like I have loved you. My love for you is something that I'd like to think Cas and Arthur had together. Maybe I should have taken one of her deals for you… Maybe I should have actually let you decided. I know that this will be something that I'll regret for the rest of my life. I know that I'll spend every waking moment missing you and maybe someday it'll get easier, but that's not going to be anytime soon. I know I need to go home to our family and I know that I need to grab onto our happiness. I need to let you go or else I won't be able to be happy and the boys know that. Max keeps thinking that all of this is his fault somehow. I don't want our little blue to ever think like that. He's our son and we've always wanted him to follow his own path. That we'd love both him and Rafe no matter what. I guess I'm already feeling as if I'm failing them already. You've hardly been gone and I already have this feeling. What kind of father will I be without you? I mean you have always been the one to figure out what's bothering them and how to make them feel better. I'm good at basics and not that much more. You were helping bettering myself in that department and so has Cat, but I still feel like a failure himself. I feel like my heart's a pyre burning strong and deep. Though the pyre that burns I feel as if it will overtake me. You have left me and I wish that I could have you back in my arms. My love and my all I take this as a time to remember just as the time I had spent with you. Max and Raph will miss you just as much as I and we'll love and keep you memory alive. Though without you we're taking a deep dive. So my love from me to you I will always love you and just yet I will always miss you more than life itself."

I look at the angel statue's face making me stare at the exact replica of my husband's face. I lean up and place a hand on knee wishing that I have Alec with me one more time, but I know even if he was I'd keep asking for more.

"Daddy, it's time to wake up," Raph shouts from outside my bedroom door which is seal shut after I had headed off to bed last night.

Sealing it off cause I planned on having a few drinks and the next thing I know I'm using my magic to destroy half of my room. I had destroyed everything of mine and anything that was Alec's or anything that Alec had liked. To say that I had blown up my liquor is odd to think, but I had and thank god I'm a warlock or else I don't know what I'd do.

I wave my hand and everything broken disappears. I walk to the door and open the door facing my sons. I smile slightly, but the look they give me makes my chest hurt. I kneel down to face them wrapping them in my arms for a quick strong hug before I stand up again. The day is like any other day expect there's no tip toeing cause Alec came in late and needs his rest. There's no Alec and there's that hole there in our hearts that can't be filled.

"Max, aren't you late for school and so are you Raph," I tell the boys and they groan for a second. Though max seems to perk up about something before he runs off to his room and Raph stands there in front of me.

"Papa, will this be easier? A life without a dad… this isn't going to be easy for anyone of us… especially you and Max. I'm more human I'm mortal I'll get to see him again 1 day and you 2 will have to live a long life without him. I don't want either of you to be in pain. I know what you did last night and the nights before that since dad died and I want you to let that pain go. Aunt Cas might be away on business, but it's been a year."

"A year to be exact since the day he died and I can't keep living like this. I know that and I'm just glad that I have you boys. I'm glad that I still have a family who loves and cares about me. That I feel the same way about."

Raph nods his head as he pulls me into a tight hug, "I love you, Papa. I will always love you and I will always miss dad like no other, but we still have you and I'm scared we'll lose you as well."

"You could never lose me, I'm much too stubborn for that. Sorry, Raph but the day you agreed to come home with us was the day you became stuck with me forever."

The smile I get is blinding and the feeling I get makes the pain of missing Alec go away. I look at the table to see that the letters that Alec had written to us are still sitting there untouched. I guess what better time to read them then today.

Later in the day after we've visited Alec's angel statue. I had spent the entire day rereading the freaking book my husband had written to me since the day we started being more serious in our relationship. We place a bouquet of flowers on the monument. The boys talk and soon after we find ourselves in one of our favorite dinners. I feel like as this day goes on that we are becoming far closer together ever since Alec's death. We have been drifting apart for the last year and now that I feel like we're closer a bit more than we were with Alec. Today has been a great day for our family and I hope we can keep them up.