Why do I always wait to post until close to midnight? Clearly, I have Issues. I wish I was as good at meditating and centering myself as this version of Cosima is. Maybe it's because pot has never done anything for me... nobody has ever wanted to get me so baked one day, haha.

Anyway, thanks for joining me for another chapter, friends, and thanks to all of you sending support. It means more than you know.

I couldn't reach Scott that morning, so I left a voicemail. I decided to leave it at that for a bit. I knew I wanted to talk with Margot more about things, but I was still working out in my head how much to reveal to her about the whole clone situation. She knew a fair deal without it, but I was feeling like it was time to get this all off my chest with the people who were like family to me. Being with Delphine again was bringing so much to the surface, and while I was feeling good about it emotionally, I knew I had some clearing to do. Still, I had to do it in a way that was respectful of and safe for my sisters.

Helena had needed some help to explain it to Jesse. She had worries that he wouldn't like her if he knew of her past, and that her ability to explain things in English was not up to the task, both completely valid concerns. All of our little group of sestras, plus brother-sestra, Siobahn and Kira had talks with her about it now and then. She'd be all quiet then suddenly say something like "How do you love someone if you know all their sins? Must you be like angel to forgive?" But Helena, understandably, processes things differently than most of us. She came to a point where she decided Jesse loved her and was meant to be her family, and she immediately pushed ahead to let him know what had gone on, in her own, simplified way. There were things she didn't like to talk about, of course. She had killed, been abused, been given twisted and false information. If anyone had been the victim of a cult, it was Helena. But eventually she felt she had to tell him all the important parts, because that's what loving each other meant. He had to know who she was to really love her. And, while a lot of people say that's how they feel, they still tend to hide things from their loved ones. Most people dwell more in the grey areas, withholding what they feel makes them unloveable, or what they think it would hurt the other to know. Once Helena came out of her shell and felt she could talk to people, she would be very direct in her honesty. She told Jesse about the horrible things she'd gone through, and even if the story was a bit disjointed sometimes, it was because that's how she communicates, not a matter of hiding things. She told him about the horrible things she'd done. And Jesse, to his credit, had seen the real her that had been wounded and manipulated under the killer that had been constructed. Maybe it was because he was a little simple in his judgements, too, but he decided those things weren't her fault and he wouldn't judge her by them. He listened to the core of what she said and believed in her, and that made her feel she could be a mother and raise her children with him.

Sarah, by contrast, took a couple years to tell Nate. She wanted to believe it wasn't necessary, first because she swore he wasn't going to be a big deal in her life, and then because she realized he was a big deal in her life. It had freaked him out a bit, when he found out, and by then she had worked up herself through all the Stages of Sarah: confusion, anger, denial, anger, depression, anger… but I jest (mostly.) I think, as clones, we sometimes feel we're never gonna entirely fit with other people, like we're oddities and outsiders. Hell, most of us are definitely outsiders, compared to what the depiction of "normal" is. But Helena and Sarah, they felt that way more than some others of us did, due to their rough childhoods. I could find geeks and folks in the yoga community to jibe with, Alison could find local theatre groups or school boards, hell, a lot of the clones had grown up feeling supported, like they belonged somewhere. This was not the case with the former brainwashed Prolethean assassin and the rough-and-tumble foster child who ended up living with an underground rebel for a parent. But they both finally found love, and found non-clone-related scenes that fit them: survivalists and martial artists for Helena, and the indie/punk music scene for Sar.

Anyway, meditation worked for me in feeling like I belonged in the world. Well, that and pot, of course. So, by this point I didn't really have any strong fears that someone like Margot would reject me. Plus, that's not who she is. Not to mention she'd gotten around over her years on this Earth. That woman had seen some freaky shit.

Anyway, I finally got going and decided to borrow one of the guys' bikes and go for a little ride, to exercise and have some time to let my brain do its figuring out process. The boys had all gone to shop for new clothes for the school year. Sevvy was outgrowing his, and it wouldn't do to have him start out in highwaters. There was still some suspicion around me from that time I basically let Sevvy pick out everything he wanted himself, and he had ended up with a wardrobe almost entirely consisting of t shirts with robot themes and metallic clothing he thought would make him look like a robot. Apparently, although it was alright for him to play dress-up now and then, a young child needed to be given a certain "guidance" in order to fit in with the locals. Whatever. He looked great in those shiny silver pants and it's not like most of the parents around here aren't liberal hippie-types, anyway.

I took my ride. It started out easy, so I just enjoyed the sun and breeze on my face, the birds chirping, my knees and thighs warming up. My brain wanted me to imagine Delphine riding beside me, the two of us just having a lovely free day together. I already was getting pangs from missing her. I took a detour over some rougher terrain and a rolling incline. I concentrated on my breathing, my heartbeat. Feel your body. Be here now. Be here now.

I'm not the greatest cyclist, so that helped me focus on what I was doing, keeping my balance. I had to stand on the pedals and really pump to get up to the top of that hill. It was a good thing, though, because it made me feel my lungs also pumping full and true. I'd never stop being grateful for being able to perform the simple function of breathing.

The top of the hill offered a great view of the rounded, old mountains of the east coast. Okay, so the Catskills are really a dessicated plateau, but that phrase kind of takes the romance out of the picture, right? Anyway, I stopped there, drank some water, and laid down my yoga mat. I assumed the lotus position, and headed within.

At first I just spent some time breathing and clearing, letting gravity stretch the muscles and connective tissues that had gotten a little tense during my phone calls and had laboured on my climb. I went through each of my chakras, and I filled myself with peace and good intent.

This path I was on could go so many ways, but if I let myself, I could imagine a life of peace and happiness with Delphine. Not without some struggle, of course, every life has suffering. But if I just let myself love I could envision the possibilities. Being awakened against my will by her alarm in the morning, making homemade ice cream to go with her ridiculously delicious crepes. I would have to buy some smart outfits to wear to her department functions, and remember what it was like to be in academia. Maybe I could even take a seminar or course or two… no pressure, don't rush things.

I imagined us taking Sevvy on a getaway. Not an amusement park, Teo would never let us do that without him (he liked the excuse to go on rides himself,) but up to the beach at the cape, or maybe to central America. He might be able to meet some of my friends down there. I wondered if Delphine would learn any Spanish.

She would take me to meet her sister, and she could show me the places she grew up in France. Maybe they'd have pictures of my love as a gangly schoolgirl, a devoted big sister, a proud university graduate. She might try to enlist her sister to take her side on some home decorating argument we were having. Maybe Sevvy could come, too, experience the culture. I still had never been to that country, despite my travels. I was becoming excited about the idea of traveling for leisure, instead of work, keeping under the radar, or helping one of my clone sisters. After all, I'd have a home to come back to, afterwards, a fixed place of love and familiarity, just as that ravishing doctor had taken a fixed place in my heart.

I found myself smiling, eyes closed, drawing my hands in from the Gyan mudra on my knees to lay them gently, lightly clasped together yet open on my lap, in a receptive Venus position. I took a breath and let myself enjoy these visions once more before I let them go. I let my mind grow quiet for a little while, and then I slowly tuned myself back into the present world I was in, from the breeze to the birdsong.

I felt ready to make another phone call.

I checked my phone and it was vacillating between two and three bars. Not great, but I figured it would do. In all these years the reception in this area hadn't improved much, but that was probably because people kept voting down cell towers on the land. The new technologies at least made them a little more consistent, stronger.

I was hoping to reach her, but instead I got her voicemail. Even just hearing her voice go through the regular recorded greeting gave me a stupid grin.

"Dr. Cormier, it's a beautiful day here from my view on the hill, and I'm thinking about you. I want to see you, to talk to you soon," I said. "I've been thinking about things and missing you, and… I love you. I don't want to wait much longer to be together."

Of course, I wouldn't tell her about my thoughts on cohabitation, on stepping things up another level, until I could talk directly to her. I'd be taking a risk, not knowing what her reaction would be, but I felt good about it. It felt right, and it felt like it could happen, and work out. Every moment in life is another decision, another risk. Sometimes you have to let go and take a leap of faith.

"Call me when you can, baby," I finished, feeling especially tender toward her even as my words went outward into nowhere, the spaces in between, the aether. "I hope you're having a wonderful day," I said, and sat there for a few moments after I hung up, feeling strangely energized, like I'd accomplished something.

This woman loved me deeply, and I loved her. I just knew she would be happy to have me closer. I had that faith.