Hello! So... fuck it, this fic is back.

Things went a little awry in 2016, to say the least, and the removal of this fic from AO3 (for reasons of me doing something wrong that I didn't know was wrong and never got warning about) threw its progress off-kilter, and then there was the presidential elections, and well... you know.

So, joining back in on the story. Just FYI, I kinda lost my betas along the way, so anything from now on is both unbetaed and maybe kind of weird from the shit year I was having. But hey, I hope you enjoy it, anyway! :) I give up on my perfectionism! Here goes!

Mostly it was blank.

Teo had pretty much forced me to take some Xanax. I didn't even know where he'd gotten it. I was so heavy, but I felt my tears slowing, and then he put me in the bed, and I slept.

Then the dreams came.

"I've made a terrible mistake."

"What have you done?"

I was back in that cot in the DYAD lab, and Delphine was crying. She had been tricked by Rachel and Kira was taken. I'd believed her then, her sincerity, her love. But in this dream, I wasn't sure. Could she be faking her sadness? Her tears were colours, whirling and blending. Some meant truth and some meant lies. I had to observe very carefully and figure out what was really going on before…

I was with Shay, curled up together in the house where we were staying. Despite having been appointed my monitor, she had taken my side. Unlike Delphine, I thought. Or had Delphine really wanted to mend things? And was there any way Shay could have been feeding information about me to someone, even while we were on the run? At night we sought solace in each other's arms. I let my body lead my actions, burying myself in each touch, each kiss. The feeling of her hands on my shoulders, her voice moaning my name, the clutch and tremble of her orgasm around my fingers were present, physical. She couldn't be faking all that, could she? I chose to give her a chance, because she had come clean to me, had suggested running. But underneath, I knew it was something else. I was running from the craziness my life had become, but also the fear, the doubt, the betrayal… and the chill of seeing the gaze of the woman I loved and not knowing if she honestly loved me, or the one thing I held most dear in my heart was a lie.

Suddenly it was morning, and Sarah was there, bursting into the room, waking us.

"They've got Sevvy and Kira," she shouted, both of them being children at the same time making perfect sense in my subconscious, somehow. "Get your shit together!" She started throwing things at me: clothes, papers, a familiar hunting rifle. Where had I seen it before, and why did it fill me with fear and shame? "We have to go!"

The dizzying world of a frantic dream, not knowing exactly what was going on except panic, and running… and Delphine was pulling me into a bed, and whispering "je t'aime, je t'adore" as she made love to me… and it was love, wasn't it? The steady depth of her gaze, the warmth of her voice, the way she'd dedicated herself to learning how to please me, after that first time when she'd fumbled with the actuality of having sex with a woman, being touched by slender fingers, herself.

"She's your monitor! Just because Paul can't act and Donnie was clueless doesn't mean she's being straight with you!" (Ha ha, my brain echoed dumbly, straight.) "She's smart, Cos, and she's higher up than any other monitor we've seen. She's in with Leekie, for God's sake!"

Was it fate, the way we fell into each other? Something vast yet concentrated and inexplicable about love? Or was it something rehearsed, practiced, studied until she could convince me utterly? Maybe even, sometimes, convince herself?

"I wish I didn't have to go, but I'll make it up to you after the conference."

"Ooh, Dr. Cormier. How are you going to do that?"

And with a kiss she was moving to get into her car. But this time she had Sevvy in her arms. He clung to her, and she kissed him softly on the temple as she put him into the car seat, its straps suddenly seeming like the unbreakable bonds of a trap, and as I glimpsed his face in the window as they drove away, it was filled with fear, and the knowledge that I had betrayed him.

I clawed my way out of the dream, moaning. I might have been shivering if my body didn't feel so leaden. No light shone through the window and there were no sounds save the raspings and calls of cicadas and crickets outside. My eyes rolled back behind my lids, and then I caught them and looked around me again. My bed at the boys' house. Was it safe? Was I alone?

I hauled myself up slowly and stumbled out the doorway. A faint light pulsed from the living room and I moved toward it. Michael was there, sitting in an armchair, the rifle across his lap. The television flickered and murmured in a low babble, as he faced resolutely away from it and toward the window.

I paused at the threshold. He turned and saw me.

"You got some sleep," he finally said, voice matter-of-fact, and my heart constricted again, wondering if he hated me now.

"Um, yeah," I managed, then cleared my throat. "Those pills, you know…" I didn't finish, and his eyes, dark-ringed by exhaustion, didn't move from my face or alter their steady, hooded gaze.

"Where are Sevvy and Teo?" I managed thickly, still a little wobbly on my legs.

"Our bedroom. Sleeping, thankfully, at least last I checked."

I nodded, turning on my heel, compelled to check on them, myself, but paused at the sound of his voice.

"Cos—"

His voice was tired, but maybe a bit gentler than before, and he'd used my nickname. I turned around, trying to read his expression in the gloom, the television light pulsing across his face in alternating harsh shadows and a dim glow.

"I can't imagine what it was like going through what you did," he said, "and I know your decisions were shaped by crazy circumstances. I just wish I had known, that you had told us, because I'm afraid for my son." I swallowed thickly.

"Yeah," I managed, "I know, I get that, now, but hindsight…" I took a breath, realizing I'd wrapped my arms around myself. "There's so much I could have done differently, but I can't change it now. And it's… it's hard, because there are no rational, scientific answers for all this. There was no way for me to research and test what I should do next, so all I could do was whatever felt right to me at the time. It's not an excuse; I know I fucked up, badly. And I can't be sure… How do I know what was beyond my control and what I could affect? I turned to spirituality because I had to accept things that happen that we don't know how to handle. I had to... stay strong, for my sisters, for everyone this fucked up… rolling boulder that was pushed before I was born had in its path; just to keep on living. I knew life was strange and full of seemingly random side trips, experimentations… even jumps in evolution that were both logical and completely out of chance. I tried my best to put it all in order in my mind. But, even though I'm a clone, I'm human. And when I realized having a child could be possible… when I saw you guys, my friends who I loved wanting a child so bad… maybe something primitive took over. Maybe it was my biology, or some psychological need to mean something other than being the freak who figured out how to save the other freaks like herself…" I choked on a sob, the first I really noticed in the series of them I'd been trying to control.

"Shit, I shouldn't say that. I'm so glad I was able to help my sisters, but… I still felt so isolated by my own… weirdness, or whatever. Maybe it was just… I needed to hope. Take a risk on something good, you know? A future." My words were tumbling out now, and I couldn't stop them, couldn't see his reactions through my screen of tears. "I wasn't honest and I was wrong for that. I thought I was protecting you, and my sisters, but I was also protecting myself. And I can't know that… if I'd told you everything at the beginning, would you have turned away, tried something else? Would Sevvy even exist?"

I stopped myself, panting, trying not to give in and curl into a little ball, give up. And now… a voice in my head said, did Delphine always mean well, as I hoped? As I thought, then doubted, then believed again? Or was Sarah right? Were Delphine's intentions based on something scientific, some kind of desire for power, rather than love? Even worse, could they be based on financial gain, or some twisted set of morals she's had all this time, like Neolution or the Proletheanism?

But nobody can be that good an actress, I told myself.

But people can, I countered. People do it all the time, con and lie… and if anyone knew a con, how to let people believe what they wanted to believe all along, that would be Sarah.

I barely noticed Michael had risen as I struggled in the tangled web of my thoughts, but suddenly he was before me. I only saw him from the chest down, my gaze vaguely focused on the floor.

"Cosima," he said, and he didn't move too close, but he did put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him in fear and despair and desperation trembling on the edge of hope. "It's obviously difficult for you, and has been for some time." His fingers patted in an unconscious rhythm on my shoulder, more like he was thinking than a reassuring squeeze. He paused for a moment, his usually kind, calm eyes looking disappointed, maybe a bit lost. He sighed, looked down, then back into my eyes.

"I did some searching — with your laptop, since that's supposed to be safe. I remembered vaguely hearing about the lawsuit against DYAD, how they had experimented on some women and children. I had a buddy of mine I used to work with. He's the kind of guy who's always reading those sites about cryptids, aliens, government plots and whatnot. We used to joke about it. I always just thought it was his form of entertainment, like horror movies, that he wasn't serious about it. But apparently it's more than a hobby, because he still keeps up on all the conspiracy theories. He, uh, he had seen some stuff, some rumours and reports. Some of them seemed ludicrous… most of them. But some added up."

Now he squeezed my shoulder, lightly.

"The thing is, I'm at a disadvantage. I don't know anything, or who to trust. So I need you to look me in the eye and say you'll do whatever you can — whatever it takes to keep our family safe. Tell me if your… sisters are real and they can help us. Because I will; I'll do whatever it takes. Understand?"

I knew what he meant, underneath it all. He cared about me, wanted to trust me, but if keeping Savvy safe meant sending me away from our son, he would.

"Yes," I answered through a ragged breath, "whatever it takes. He is my first priority, always. And I believe in my sisters. If you knew the things they'd gone through—" I paused, not wanting to alarm him more, make it worse. "They're so strong, smart and incredible. They have kids themselves, so they know what matters most. If anyone can help us, it's them. I trust them with my life."

He stared at me a moment, searchingly, and then his face and shoulders relaxed just the tiniest bit.

"Okay," he said, and it looked like he might say something else, but Teo's voice sounded softly behind me.

"¿Mi amor?"

I turned my head to see him, watching us both with all the concern that his great depth of heart allowed.

"We were talking," Michael told him, and I turned back to see his expression now matching his voice: worried, but steadfast, grounded, his characteristic ability to remain calm seeping back into him. "Cos tells me that we can trust her sisters, they'll help us. She says they're resourceful."

My stomach eased its frantic churn. I stepped back so I could look at them both, and Teo came forward and put a hand on each of our shoulders, connecting us.

"I believe her," Teo said. "I know this all feels like a… some crazy nightmare, but we've seen her sister Mika, and pictures of some of the others; it all comes together. We need to come together, too, because we are more than friends, we're a family. Sevvy belongs to all of us, no matter what. However it happens that he gets into trouble, we've got to protect him." He pressed on both of our shoulders, until we were in a circle, arms around one another in a hug of truce and bittersweet love. I felt Michael lose some of the awkwardness, the stiffness with which he'd been carrying himself melting, and we all leaned our foreheads against each other in the embrace. As we did this I found myself exhaling a deep sigh of release, feeling like we could at last all work together to fix this situation.

And as I let go of some of that tension, thoughts of my other love came to the forefront of my mind, and I felt so scared and tired. Would I ever hear from her again? I wanted to believe so, but after an all too brief foray into trust, our love also felt bittersweet, once again.