Clarke had her earphones on lying in bed; her eyes were closed, as she tapped her fingers to the beat of the music.
"Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. Feels like I'm knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door." Clarke sings in tune; her emotions echoing through the lyrics, as she sang. Her eyes become glossy, as she continued singing the chorus; the blonde needed to release some tension before she spiralled out of control.
She closed her blue eyes; letting the music flow through her veins. Clarke continued to sing when the song hit the chorus again, she poured her heart into each word, as they left her lips. The young girl let out a shaky breath when the song ended; her eyes fluttered open; now staring up at the ceiling, when a figure by her door caught her eye.
"Lexa!" Clarke gasped; she jumped out of bed, throwing her beats to the side. "What—" She cut herself off. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough." The brunette smirks, lifting her eyebrows in amusement. "I'm sorry I did knock, but I guessing you couldn't hear me?" She added.
"Well this is embarrassing?" Clarke shifted uncomfortably; blinking away the tears that had formed from earlier.
"Is there anything you can't do?" Lexa joked; taking a seat on the chair by the dressing table. "You have a beautiful voice, Clarke. No need to be embarrassed." She comforted
"Thank you." The blonde relaxes back onto her bed with a blushed face. "I didn't think I would see you till tomorrow."
"I wanted to make sure you were okay." Lexa suddenly felt conscientious of the words she just released, since Abby's talk played on her mind. "Plus Anya needed a time out; she was caught cheating during a game we were playing." She smiled.
Clarke laughed. "Sometimes I wished I had a sibling, something like you and Anya have. Maybe things would be easier." Her voice finished in a sadden tone.
"You're not alone Clarke. You have your Mom and—."
"I can't talk to her." The blonde said in an odd tone.
"Of course you can, you're both—" Lexa quickly shut her mouth, trying to think of a more delicately way to say the last part. "You're both grieving."
"I know that." Clarke said frustratingly; dropping her head into her hands, moaning against the palm of them.
"What is it?" Lexa darted over to the bed, holding the blonde's arms to make her come out of the bubble she just created.
When the blonde girl showed her face, tears had streaked her face.
"You're going to think I'm a horrible person." Clarke sobbed.
"Hey, I could never think that." Lexa reassured the blonde.
Clarke's lips were trembling; the words too scared to echo out.
"Shortly after my Dad's-" The young girl was trying, but the words got caught in her throat, she couldn't finish the sentence; it brought too much pain into her heart.
"It's okay Clarke, you don't have-"
"I hated her, I was so angry at her." The blonde blurted out; guilt smothered the words that were released from her mouth.
It took a lot for Clarke to look at Lexa after her confession, when silence filled the air. She looked into her greens eyes, but she didn't see judgement or disgust. She saw empathy and sadness.
"Clarke" She finally spoke quietly. "It's natural to divert your feelings onto someone else during a difficult time. You don't need to carry this guilt around with you, and push your mom away in the process."
"She was never home for dinner, always at the hospital. I knew her career was important to her, but my Dad loved his job too and he never let me down. Even when we took our yearly summer trip to the Hamptons, she would cancel at the last minute due to work. My Dad was always there for me, I just wanted to see some memories of him, when I looked into her eyes after he was gone, but I couldn't see any of my happy memories that I had with my Dad. I just saw the cancellations, and the promises to make it up to us. I couldn't find comfort in her words back then but now when I look at her I feel so horrible for feeling that way in the first place."
"Clarke—" Lexa tried but the blonde kept talking.
"I know I'm a horrible person, she had just lost the love of her life." Clarke said staring into thin air, as the memories come flooding back.
"You both lost someone you deeply love, that should bring you closer together." Lexa was finally able to conclude.
"I hear her talking to him about me sometimes, and it breaks my heart to think I felt that way towards her. I'm a horrible person Lexa, she needed me and I couldn't help but feel so angry towards her at the beginning. I just shut myself away in my dad's office and I couldn't find my way back to her. I deserve to suffer from these panic attacks; I deserve everything that comes at me." Clarke gritted through her teeth.
"Clarke I know you feel defeated right now, but you can't keep hiding away. You are surrounded by people that care about you." Lexa stated in a harsher tone than she intended, but quite frankly she couldn't take this self-loathing talk from the younger girl.
The blonde was shocked by the tone Lexa was giving her; she's usually so caring and understanding. She knew the older girl was right, but she never seen this side of the brunette before.
"Life is cruel Clarke; there will always be struggles along the way. You won't be able to win every battle it throws at you, sometimes you're going to have to lose. But you don't have to take it lying down, you can get up after you have fallen and keep your head held high, not allowing yourself to break; you keep pushing on Clarke. It's normal to want to reach the other side; where there is light, but you've got to remember it's not about how fast you get there. Open your eyes you will see, it's about the journey to the other side that matters. What use is it if you're standing in the light, but that dark place is still hiding deep inside of you? Trust me Clarke I know how that feels, i don't want you to ever feel like that. You need to forgive yourself, so you can start healing." Lexa tried to remain stoic, but her eyes betrayed her.
Since coming face to face with Lexa for the first time when she walked through the Griffin household; the young girl quickly noticed something hidden deep in her eyes. A familiar look Clarke was accustomed to, she couldn't help but feel and immediate connection with the brunette that day. As the young blonde stared into Lexa's forest green eyes in this moment, it finally started to make sense. Lexa was hiding her own pain behind a façade she had portrayed too well, making it harder to see. But Clarke could see it now, she was taking in the brunette's words, realising that when things got hard, she would run to where she felt comfort, instead of standing strong and fighting her demons. She could already feel Lexa's words changing her for the better; giving her the courage and strength to push on passed this dark spell that has been casted upon her.
Clarke found herself wanting to know why Lexa would feel the need to put on a front, without thinking she blurted out.
"What happened, Lexa?"
The brunette's eyes went wide at the question; realising she had just stripped off her layers, making herself vulnerable in front of the blonde. She tried to play it cool.
"What do mean?"
"You said to trust you. That you know how it feels, and you don't want me to go through it." Clarke repeated.
Lexa closed her eyes; of course she wasn't going to get out of this one. Clarke was smart and intuitive, plus the older girl pretty much confessed that something happened. The brunette felt her muscles tighten, too busy with the thoughts that corrupted her mind, she wasn't aware of the awkward silence that was growing.
"I'm sorry! It's none of my business." The younger girl retracted; but it didn't change anything. Lexa remained rigid; the silence was insufferable for the younger girl.
The blonde broke the suffocating atmosphere with more babbling.
"It's just you've been there for me, listening to me, and I haven't being easy; keep running away when things get too hard to hear. But you haven't given up on me yet and I just want to do the same for you, I want to be there for you. I can't begin to tell you how much you've helped me, by making me open up to you. You made talking easy, and it made me feel lighter. You deserve that to Lexa, and-" Clarke stared at the back of the brunette's head, not receiving anything from the older girl causing her to lose the momentum in her speech.
"Stupid idea I know, I'm just a kid, and I bet you've got loads of people to talk to you. Why would you talk to me?" Clarke admitted in a defeated tone. "I'm going to get a drink." She lied, needing to escape the mess she just created.
Lexa could hear Clarke's non-stop talking in a distant, but truth was she was too distracted by the fear that invaded her body causing her to remain in a trance. She hasn't spoken to anyone about her past; the only people in town that knew were her family. When they moved to Polis nearly nine years ago, Lexa had begged them to promise to not tell anyone, that this move was about having a fresh start. She needed that because if people knew, it meant dragging up the past again, and the brunette knew she wouldn't be able to cope with the constant reminder. Lexa thought this would help heal the wounds in her chest, but little did she knew, she only built a wall around the broken heart; never letting anyone truly know who Lexa Woods is.
Somehow Clarke's situation caused a stir within Lexa; too many similarities hit close to home. She felt the truth bubbling to the surface and a scary thought crossed her mind; she knew she wouldn't be able to push it down this time.
She swallowed thickly, the words were on the tip of her tongue; she could already feel how foreign they feel. She let out a hasty breath, before her lungs had the chance to explode. She counted down from ten before releasing her heavy burden.
"Both my parents were killed instantly in a car accident when I was eight years old." Lexa blurted out; not knowing how to feel once the words left her mouth. Different emotions fought for domain, but none of them could dominate over the other. Whilst shock ripped through her body, she couldn't help but feel like she was finally able to breath for the first in nearly ten years. The brunette felt a small tug at her lips, when she thought how right Clarke was; she felt a tiny bit lighter. She had held this in for so long; she didn't know how Clarke did it but she made her feel like she couldn't keep it to herself any longer.
Clarke's mouth was ajar; she stopped her movements, her neck snapped back to the brunette, where she was meant me glossy green eyes.
"I—" she stuttered; wanting to say how sorry she was, but Clarke stopped remembering how pointless those words sound once spoken. She really didn't expect this revelation; she soon realised that something didn't add up; it didn't make sense to her. "But Anya mentioned your mom earlier, as if she was alive?" the blonde cursed herself for having a big gob.
"Anya is actually my cousin, but she's like the annoying older sister, that I'm glad I have." Lexa huffed out a light laugh. "She was referring to my Aunt Ali and Uncle Gustus, they adopted me after the accident."
Silence filled the room, the blonde not knowing what to say, as she looked at Lexa who looked like she was having an internal battle with her emotions. Clarke felt her world crash down right in front of her when her dad was taken from her, she couldn't comprehend how she would feel losing both her parents. The younger girl was glad when she was distracted away from the scary thought that corrupted her mind when Lexa continued speaking
"They might not be my birth parents and no one in the world, can ever replace them. But i admit certain days can be harder than others, where I'm not able to call them mom and dad, but they've earned those titles. I owe them everything; I made their lives difficult but they never gave up on me." The brunette again was overwhelmed by how each sentence felt like weight off her chest. She originally battled whether to tell Clarke she calls her Aunt and Uncle, Mom and Dad instead; worried the young girl might find it weird.
Clarke released a heart-warming smile; she could see the brightness in Lexa's eyes when she spoke about them. Just as quick as that look appeared, it disappeared in the brunette's frowning lines. The young girl could see she was fighting with her inner thoughts.
"For a long time, I felt guilty; there are days where I still do. I couldn't understand how I survived the accident and they didn't, I felt so out of place; it's hard to describe but it was like I stepped out of my body and when I came back the shoes no longer fitted." Lexa poured everything out to Clarke, that she didn't realise the girl's stunned face, and watery eyes.
"You were in the accident." Her voice was forced, as if it hurt to say the words out loud
Lexa mouth formed an 'O' shape. She soon realised she didn't mention that part.
She snapped out of her trance when the brunette spoke again.
"No one knows Clarke, so I'll appreciate if you wouldn't tell anyone. It's not something I can keep repeating or explaining." A tight smile was released from the older girl
"I will never tell anyone. I promise." Clarke said with sincerity radiating with every word.
Silence corrupted the air again. The younger girl remained silent by choice, she had lots of comforting words to say, but somehow she got the feeling this wasn't what Lexa wanted. However she was confused by the next words the older girl spoke.
"I feel like a hypocrite when I'm around you." Lexa let out a nervous laugh.
"Why?" Clarke frowned.
"I hated seeing you so closed off; I know exactly how that feels. The loneliness that engulfs you, it makes you spiral into a darkness where's it's hard to find any light in your life. I tried to make you open up to me, pushing you when I shouldn't off. I remember when my family did that to me, I felt so much guilt, I refused to accept their love and help. I hated it; i just wanted to be left alone. But ten years later, here I am doing the exact same thing to you. And I'm sorry for that"
"I'm glad you did." Clarke spoke truly. "I was stuck Lexa, my mom couldn't get through to me. I even closed myself off from my best friend in the world; so please don't apologise. I needed that push."
Comfortable silence engulfed the air once again, so much had already been said; both girls needed a moment to take everything in. It was Clarke who spoke first.
"Lexa?"
"Hmm" the brunette responded
"Do you still get nightmares about the accident? Do they ever go away or get easy?" Clarke nervously asked fingerling with tops of her nails
Clarke just kept taking Lexa by surprise. The blonde quickly noticed the look Lexa expressed, as she fought with her mind whether to lie to Clarke and give her the comfort she is seeking or to tell her the truth and admit something she's not even accepted herself. Always brushing of her mom's concerns telling her she's fine when she has them, when she clearly wasn't. Before Lexa could finish the debate that was happening in her mind, the blue eyed girl spoke breaking her thought process.
"Oh- I'm sorry you really don't have to answer that. Sometimes I can't control my curiosity or my big mouth. I always have to go too far, I really should learn to keep my mouth shut." Clarke gritted
"Clarke, you really do love to ramble on." Lexa light-heartedly laughed at the young girl's habit.
The blonde was grateful that she hadn't hurt the older girl's feelings; a blushing smile infected her face.
"You make me nervous." Clarke mindlessly said with a shrug
Lexa head snapped up at the blonde; staring at her with an unreadable look.
"I do?" she asked hesitantly;
"You're Lexa Woods" Clarke smiled
"You say my name, as if it's supposed to have some type of meaning behind it?" The older girl laughed
"It does, too me it does." The young girl lowered her head, suddenly feeling nervous. "You've done a lot for me Lexa. Thank you for tonight, i really glad you came."
"Me too. If you ever need to talk you know where I am." Lexa offered
Clarke nodded.
"I better get home; Anya is only allowed to be unsupervised for a few hours." Lexa smiled
The young girl released a laugh. "Tell her I said hi."
"Will do. Bye Clarke"
"Goodbye, Lexa. I'll see you tomorrow." The light in her blue eyes grew bright at the thought.
The brunette nodded, before leaving the bedroom.
Lexa knew she should off seen the signs at that moment, but she just saw a young girl going through a difficult time something the brunette could relate to, they had an innocent connection.
Xx
Much to Clarke's dismay the weeks started to fly by, all of Lexa's invitation were finished and sent out to everyone; this only reminded the blonde that the end of the summer was near. Against the blonde's better judgement instead of distancing herself away from Lexa, to help ease the pain for when she leaves to go to university; she embraced the remaining time. Not wasting a second of their time together; playing board games and PS4 games, she loved seeing Lexa competitive side. The blonde was only falling deeper for the older girl without realising it; she was too busy soaking up the happiness she was feeling when she was in her presence. It wasn't until a few weeks ago Lexa seemed distracted, always checking her phone, smiling at it like a goofball as she texted. Clarke wanted to know what changed but she never pressed, hoping the brunette would tell her soon, she never did.
Clarke concentrated making Lexa's Pokémon trainer jacket for her fancy dress party, she had taken her time perfecting it. She really wanted Lexa to love it.
Clarke was staring at the finished jacket hanging on her wardrobe hooks, in its black cover to keep it clean. It was the last night Lexa would be staying at the Griffin household; the day before her eighteenth birthday. The blonde felt sadness seeking through her pours, she had been in a mood all day. She hadn't been able to bring herself to cry yet, even though it was bubbling close to the surface. She could feel the tension in her body begging for its release, but she wasn't going to ruin her last day with Lexa by giving into what her body craved.
A knock on the door caused her eyes to snap away from the jacket and onto the door.
"Come in." she responded
"Hey you, everything okay?" Lexa greeted. Clarke knew this tone; the brunette has clearly spoken to her mom.
"Just having a bad day" The blonde shrugged; jumping of her bed and walking towards where the jacket was hanging.
"You want to talk about it" The older girl offered; taking a seat on the chair near the dresser, like she always did.
"I'm allowed to be sad Lexa." It came out harsh and cold. The blue eyed girl snapped her head round to look at green with a regretful expression; immediately seeing Lexa tightening her jaw and giving a stoic nod in confirmation.
"I'm sorry; I just don't want to talk about it. This is the last day we get to hang out before you leave."
"Clarke." Lexa simply says; acknowledgement conveying in her eyes. "You make it sound like we will never speak again."
"You're going to college, you'll meet new friends and you'll forget about the child that you babysat over the summer." The venom in the young girl's voice could be heard when she expressed their relationship. She hated being fourteen, wishing she was older.
"I can never forget you Clarke. Plus you're more mature than some of the boys I went to high school with." Lexa laughed. "You have my number Clarke, whenever you need to talk; I'll try my best to be there. I'm not going to abandon you, okay?"
Hope lit up blue orbs, a smile drawing itself on her face. "Really? You promise?"
"Of course. I promise." Lexa nodded.
Warmth spread like wildfire across the blonde's body, finding her heart swooning after the girl in front of her. She soon felt it deflate when the brunette spoke again
"I wouldn't just abandon you, we're friends right?"
"Right" Clarke reluctantly agreed, but her smile still beamed because Lexa would still be in her life. She will take what she can.
The blonde took a few steps closer to her wardrobe; picking up the jacket before walking over to Lexa and handing it to her. "I hope you like it, but if you don't please don't feel like you have to wear it. I made a few alterations."
Lexa eagerly unzipped it, and was in awe. It didn't look like a normal baseball jacket that retailers sell. It looked fierce and commanding, similar to the Assassin Creed jackets you find online. Lexa's hand runs over the green and black material; she immediately falls in love with it. The brunette was too distracted with the new addition to her outfit; she never noticed the realisation on Clarke's face, as she soaked in her favourite things in the world; Lexa's smile, and the happiness that radiates from her green orbs. Clarke was 100% in love with the girl in front of her, and she truly felt it in this precise moment.
She was on cloud nine for the rest of the night, not able to keep her eyes of the older girl.
Xx
The next day rolled around and Lexa had left early in the morning to get things prepared for her party.
Clarke had been sulking all day, knowing she wasn't going to see her favourite brunette tonight. Instead she was stuck with Mrs Wilson; seventy-year old lady who always has lipstick on her teeth.
She invited Octavia to sleep over, not wanting to be forced to watch one of Mrs Wilson's shows. They were in the middle of an episode of stranger things, when Clarke darted up and ran towards her wardrobe; opening it with force.
"Clarke? What's wrong?" The brunette paused the programme; watching her best friend rummaging in the closet, before pulling something out. "Oh I know that look." Octavia added warily; examining her best friend's face. "What is it?"
"I forgot to give Lexa her birthday present, I was so busy trying to distract myself from the fact that she's leaving. I forgot to give it to her!" Clarke was pacing up and down; holding the said present in a gift bag.
"Wow calm down, Clarke. Give it to her tomorrow." Octavia concluded; like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"What if I don't see her tomorrow O? She needs to get my present, she needs to know that I—
"Hold up, what exactly did you buy her? You're not going to confess your feelings for her by a means of a present? Right?" The brunette scrunched her face up in disgust.
"God no! if you had let me finish you would have known that."
"I'm sorry, continue." Octavia pulled an imaginary zip across her lips.
"She needs to know that she can achieve her dreams. That I believe in her." Clarke smiled; staring into the distance; her mind flooding with thoughts of Lexa.
The brunette studied her best friend's face, before she spoke. "What did you get her Clarke?"
"The same thing my dad got my mum, after their high school graduation." The blonde beamed with pride.
Octavia was in awe, shock evident on her face. She knew exactly what Clarke was talking about; she loved telling her that story about the day Jake gave Abby that gift. That's when the brunette realised the seriousness of Clarke's feelings towards the older girl.
"Clarke, What you doing?" Octavia questioned suspiciously; seeing the blonde dive into her wardrobe again.
"Get changed, we're going to Lexa's party." Clarke smiled brightly, whilst watching her best friends eyes widen.
xx
"I don't think this is a good idea Clarke" Octavia said; her face screwed up when she saw people sucking face with each other when they entered Lexa's house.
"I just want to give Lexa her present, and then we can leave." Clarke reassured distantly, as her eyes eagerly searched for the brunette.
"Why can't you give it to her tomorrow again?" Her best friend moaned, making their way further into the house.
"She leaves for College tomorrow."
Before Octavia could protest anymore Clarke tapped a stranger on the back.
"Do you know where Lexa is?"
The guy stared at her for a while trying to focus on the small figure in his drunken haze. "Aren't you a little too young to be at this party?"
"Aren't you a little too young to be drinking at this party?" Clarke mocked.
He smirked. "Touché, Lexa went upstairs, but maybe you should-."
"I'll be two seconds O." Clarke said; quickly making her way up the stairs not hearing the rest of the guy's sentence.
"You're just going to leave me here, alone!" the brunette growled, she huffed out a breath of annoyance when Clarke didn't respond. She looked around uncomfortably when she found an empty seat away from the party scene.
Xx
"Lexa?" Clarke called out, walking down the corridor not really knowing where she was going.
She made her way a little further down the hallway when she heard Lexa's voice; she smiled brightly heading towards the shut door.
The adrenaline that was crashing its way around her body was begging for its release; she hastily knocked on the door, but far too impatient for an actually reply she immediately opened the door
Clarke felt her heart sink into her stomach, as her body exploded with chilled goose-bumps at the sight that appeared in front of her.
A girl in just her bra and knickers had Lexa's clothed body pinned on the bed, their lips moulding together in a zealous kiss. Clarke's eyes wondered to the discarded jacket she made for the brunette tossed on the floor, causing her to clench her teeth with anger.
"Shit!" The hazel eyed girl laughed; crawling off Lexa's body to grab her batgirl outfit of the ground to cover her semi-naked body. "What the hell?" She added when she saw the young-girl at the door.
"Clarke?" Lexa said in a shocked toned.
The blonde didn't respond, she remained stunned, looking like a deer in headlines. She felt the cracks appearing on her heart with a hefty force, when she saw Lexa's lips on this random girl's face.
The gift bag that Clarke was carrying was slowly slipping out of her hand, when it suddenly hit the floor with a thud snapping the young girl out of her trance.
A pain expression corrupted her features, as Lexa started to walk towards her in a cautious manner.
Clarke turned sharply. She tried to swallow it down hard, but it was useless her eyes erupted with a flood of tears streaking down her face. She ran as far as her legs would carry her.
She could hear Lexa calling out after her; she was glad when the voice was drained by the loud music that bounced off the walls downstairs.
"Clarke?" Octavia shouted; she started to go after her best friend knowing something bad had happened. She looked behind her, when she saw Lexa apologising to a pretty brunette at the top of the stairs, before she sprinted down the stairs.
"Octavia?" Lexa gasped out. "Where's Clarke? Do you know where she went?"
"What happened up there?" Octavia questioned
Lexa tried to control the growl that wanted to leave her mouth. "Do you know where she went?" she repeated
"She left."
Lexa sprinted towards the opened front door without another word to the young brunette.
Xx
It didn't take long for Lexa to catch up with the fleeing blonde down the street.
"Clarke!" Lexa said; grabbing the girl's arm to make her stop running.
"Don't touch me." Clarke's face took the brunette by surprise; there was so much pain and anger staring into her green eyes. The blonde wiped the wetness of her face, hoping the darkness helped disguise it.
"I'm sorry." Lexa lets go immediately. "Can you please just stop running away from me."
"Why? You clearly have better things to do. I didn't mean to interrupt your night." The blonde snapped; turning her back to the older girl, starting to walk away again.
Lexa ran in front of her, blocking her path. "What's going on Clarke?"
"Just leave me alone!" Clarke shouted.
"If you think I'm going to leave you to walk alone, then you're crazy."
Clarke's eye softened for a split second, before she nudged passed Lexa knowing she wasn't going to shake her. They walked in silence for what seemed hours, but in reality it was more like a minute, give or take.
The young girl couldn't help the sniffling noises her breathing made alerting Lexa to her current state.
"Clar—"
"Who is she?" The blonde said in a defeated tone.
"Her name is Costia. She will be living in my dorm when I move to Harvard tomorrow. I never meant for you to-" Lexa stuttered she didn't know how to word it; she was embarrassed about the situation; it's not really something she does at parties.
The blonde gritted her teeth, looking up at the clear sky; trying desperately trying to hold back the tears, as she felt her heart clench in her chest at the news. She already forgot the girl's name.
"You never once spoke about her. I thought we spoke about everything, ugh how stupid am I? i was nothing but dollar signs to you. Were you faking it this whole time? I thought you were my friend." The blonde raged in anger; her steps were more forceful, as she tried to storm off.
Lexa tried to respect Clarke's instructions to not touch her, but shock clouded her judgement when she heard the young girl's words. She gently grabbed her wrist, making the blue eyed girl stop her movements and face her "That's not true! How could you possibly think that, Clarke?"
"I should have seen the signs." The blonde removed her arm away from Lexa's grasp. "You've been so distracted on your phone lately, smiling and laughing to yourself, as you typed. It was because of her right?"
"Yes" Lexa shuddered; she didn't realise how absent she had been the blue-eyed girl's presences. She suddenly felt she had failed the blonde in some way.
New tears fell from Clarke's eyes when she tried to force them back whilst blinking harshly. It wasn't until now how she wished she had listened to Octavia, instead of allowing her feelings to grow towards Lexa.
"I'm so stupid, Octavia warned me but I wouldn't listen." The young girl sobbed
"What are you talking about Clarke, you're not making sense? Octavia warned you about what?"
"You." Clarke made complete eye contact with green ones. "I couldn't help it, but I didn't know it would feel like this. I just want it to stop, it hurts so much." The blonde cried out.
She was left speechless, Abby's words replayed in her head. Lexa glanced away from Clarke, as she closed her eyes to fight back her own tears forming; she sucked in her lips trying to gain her composure.
Lexa had heard Abby's warning, but she couldn't see the truth behind the words. She cursed herself for being so stupid and reckless with Clarke; only ever wanting to help her, but here she stands seeing the pain she has caused the young girl.
"Clarke-" She stutters out, the blonde must have read something on her face, as she felt the need to defend herself
"I know, I'm just a child to you" She laughed sadly. "But please don't patronize me, I didn't make up the connection we have Lexa, I felt it and I know how I feel about you. I mean look at you, you're perfect."
"I'm not perfect Clarke." Lexa corrected; she wanted comfort her, desperately wanting to tell her she's not a child, but the older girl didn't know how too without making things worse. The blue-eyed girl was right; they did have a connection but for Lexa is was nothing more than friendship.
"I wish you could see what I see." The blonde sniffed, getting a better hold of her emotions.
The brunette could see the adoration when she looked into Clarke's blue eyes; she flicked her green ones away not able to deal with the emotions radiating from the young girl when all Lexa felt was loathe towards herself. She mentally kicked herself, not knowing how she could have missed that. She didn't reply, she continued walking with Clarke towards the Griffin household.
Xx
They finally reached the porch of Clarke's house.
The blonde turned on her heels not wanting to go in before getting something of her chest.
"I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday, I just wanted to give you your birthday present." Clarke's blue orbs were watery, the street lights making them glisten. "I-I don't know where it is." She started to panic.
"Calm down Clarke, it's in my room."
The blonde nodded, she could feel Lexa staring at her, but she refused to meet her green eyes.
"I'm sorry" Lexa breathed out; not able to keep the battle she was having with herself in anymore. "I never wanted to hurt you; I didn't believe I could, only wanted to help you through what I went through. I thought you needed me." She swallowed hard; she wasn't going to let her emotions reach the surface. "I know now I've only made things worse."
"That's not true Lexa, I needed you." Clarke protested; new tears were falling down her face; she hated seeing Lexa like this. She grabbed her hand to comfort her.
"You're the strongest person I know, you'll be fine; you'll see." Lexa gentle pulled away from Clarke's grip.
The young girl didn't like how that sounded, something in the brunette's voice, caused unwanted goose-bumps to travel down her spine.
Clarke watched the warm hand slip out of her own, her face started to tremble, as the tension of her emotions were begging to pour out. Lexa didn't have to say the words; Clarke knew what was coming, when she saw the brunette turn away from her.
Lexa eyes were threatening to show her own pain, so she quickly grabbed the blonde into a hug. "I have to go Clarke. Goodbye."
She made a swift turn, making her way back to her house; she hoped she will find the space to finally breathe. Lexa couldn't bear to look back at the young girl, knowing she would see the heartbreak she has caused, but she believed it was for the best. She could hear the cries of a broken hearted teenager; Lexa walked faster, but she couldn't outrun the emotions that were seeking through, as tears fell from her green eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" She muttered lowly
xx
The anguish that was building on Clarke's chest came pouring out when Lexa turned to leave. She fell to the floor, her lips trembling, as tears fell from her face. There were sudden and abrupt jerks to her chest, when she tries to breathe in the dense air.
"Lexa!" she cried out. "You said you wouldn't leave me! Lexa!"
She swallowed thickly, sobbing when she tried to catch her breathe. He cursed herself for ruining everything. She couldn't tear her eyes away from Lexa's retreating form, tears continued to fall, but her breathe started to slowly returned to a normal pace.
She looked up to the sky, trying to find comfort, as she thought about her father. Suddenly her favourite poem popped into mind, one her dad always used to read to her. She tried to focus on Lexa's dark figure in the distance but her teary eyes were proving it to be difficult. Clarke began to recite.
"In peace may you leave the shore,
In love may you find the next,
Safe passage on your travels,
Until your final journey to the ground,
May we meet again. Goodbye Lexa."
I'M SO SORRY! I know you properly hate me, but i will fix it.
Thank you so much to those who reviewed, it means so much to me. I will try and make time to respond to them individually.
Let me know what you think.
Thanks for being patient with me x