Warning: this story contains mature content that isn't suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.

A/N: thanks for all the support. it's finally here, Merlin is going to talk to Arthur. BTW for those of you who want to know or don't want to read it Merlin's suicide will be next chapter.

Fuck, he can't do it! ughhh, just open the door Merlin. it's not that fucking hard! Reach your arm out, tuen the handle then push. Why won't his arm push. FUCK!

ok..ok, his hand is pushing the door slightly, now step in. Great! now his feet aren't moving. Still on the wrong side of the door Merlin hadn't noticed the king eyeing his door from the table he was sat at.

"Merlin, i know you're an idiot but i never would of guessed you were so incompetent that you couldn't open a door."

Merlin froze where he stood. Why did Arthur have to be such a prat. Well he hasn't really got a choice right now. Pushing the wooden door open he could see Arthur sat at the head of his table, staring at him with his finger resting on the table intertwined. Then silence, Merlin was avoiding eye contact but he could feel Arthur's pure blue eyes burning into his cheek.

"so..Ealdor."

"leon!" Merlin muttered under his breath.

"and why did i not know about this."

"well ummm." think you twat think. "i thought you would busy you know...being the king and all."

"Merlin, you know i care for Hunith and would happily go with you to help her."

Merlin knew this, Arthur saw Hunith as a mother of his own, what's he supposed to say? 'Sorry Arthur i thought you were a soulless clotpole that didn't care.' Even though some (most) of those statements were true he couldn't say that.

"i hoped you thought higher of me."

there was a hint of pain in Arthur's voice. This caught Merlin's attention compelling him to move and comfort his friend.

"no,no,no, i don't think that" Merlin begged rushing to Arthur's side, Arthur slowly stood up (arms crossed) facing his friend.

"then why would you assume i didn't want to go."

Merlin gave no reply.

"do you think i'm some sort of selfish asshole who wouldn't help his friend. is that what you think of me? i thought you were different, i thought you trusted me, didn't see me as your king but a friend. I guess i was wrong, but what i don't understand is-"

"STOP! stop"

Merlin was pleading for Arthur to stop speaking so lowly of himself. Arthur didn't reply but raised an eye brow as a gesture that Merlin can continue.

"I'm not going to Ealdor, My mum isn't ill. i Lied"

"why?"

"I'm just leaving for a little bit, going traveling. I know you don't like it when i leave for no specific reason so i lied about Hunith being ill."

"ok... you know you could of told me the truth."

"i'm sorry"

Arthur leaned against his table and prossesed this infomation.

"well um..when will you be back?"

once again Merlin didn't reply.

"Merlin?"

"i'm not coming back" Merlin whispered in a weak voice.

"what! why?"

"i can't"

Arthur was searching Merlin for answers. Merlin couldn't just leave for no good reason, he had told Arthur about the great dragon and how it was Merlin's destiny to help Arthur unite the lands of Albion. and Merlin had done that but it dosen't mean he can leave. Then Arthur thoughts stopped all to suddenly, his eyes had found there way to a dagger stored tightly in Merlin's belt. All the pieces were fitting together and it made a horrid picture. Merlin wasn't coming back because he couldn't, because he wasn't going anywhere in Albion, because Merlin was going to kill himself.

Merlin had noticed Arthur's still-ness, but failed observe what he was looking at. In an extremely slow movement Arthur pointed at the dagger hanging from Merlin's belt.

"what is that?" he croaked

Looking to see what Arthur was pointing at, Merlin realised (to his horror) his dagger was in plain sight.

"i'm sorry Arthur."

"Merlin" Arthur stepped closer "don't do anything crazy"

"i'll miss you"

Before Arthur had a chance to process those words Merlin had sprinted out of his chambers and was heading for the clostest tower. Realising what was about to happen Arthur followed screaming Merlin's name pleading for him to 'stop' and 'think about this.'

Arthur wouldn't lose Merlin, he couldn't.