A thin glaze of ice covered the stream, already broken up and dissolving in places, but there nonetheless. It was the first ice Watersplash had seen since leaf-bare, and she knew that it wouldn't be too long before the lake territories were covered by snow once more.
Emberpaw sneezed, her orange-and-black fur sticking up like thorns on a branch. Snakepaw purred loudly, mimicking her sneeze and eliciting snickers from Coalpaw and Smokepaw. Emberpaw fake-hissed at her brother, who then raised his paw as though to swipe at her. Smokefur, who was Snakepaw's mentor, gave his apprentice a warning look, and the feisty tabby lowered his paw as quickly as he'd raised it.
Watersplash, Smokefur, Oakleaf, and Antleg- a black she-cat with a splash of reddish-brown on her back that Watersplash had never really talked to- had all taking their apprentices out for battle training by the stream. The four littermates hadn't gotten much of a chance to train together, mostly since Antleg was a senior warrior and felt uncomfortable spending time with the three younger warriors, so all the apprentices were very excited. Snakepaw in particular was acting up a lot, and Smokefur was having a bit of trouble keeping him in line. Been there, Watersplash had thought. Luckily for her, however, Emberpaw had straightened herself out a lot in the two and a half moons it had been since Watersplash had broken up with Grasstail.
Emberpaw had never found out why Watersplash had been so upset that day and in the days following it, of course- no cat had. Minnowleap had acted very strangely around her at first, and Watersplash had feared her mother knew, but it was never brought up. For a while she'd considered telling Smokefur or Shellsong, but had decided against it. It was over now; there was no need to tell her Clanmates that she'd broken the warrior code when it wasn't even relevant anymore.
"So, how's Mallowheart?" Watersplash meowed to Oakleaf as their apprentices tussled. "I haven't seen her much lately. Do you think she's avoiding me?"
Oakleaf shrugged. "I dunno," he muttered. "I mean, you know her, right? She's all shy and stuff. You should talk to her and find out."
Watersplash nodded thoughtfully, and then turned her attention back to the battle training. Emberpaw and Smokepaw were facing off, while Coalpaw was up against Snakepaw. Smokefur kept having to remind Snakepaw not to use claws, while Antleg seemed frustrated at Coalpaw's fairly lackluster performance. Smokepaw and Emberpaw were much more evenly matched, and Watersplash felt a thrill of pride every time her apprentice came out on top of her brother.
"Push out from under her if she pins you down," Oakleaf called to Smokepaw, who nodded before thrusting against Emberpaw's weight. He pushed her off and she tumbled to the ground, letting out a mew of surprise.
"Get back on your paws," Watersplash encouraged her. "Don't give up after just one setback."
Emberpaw lunged at Smokepaw again, but this time the pale gray tom was ready for her. He reared up on his hind legs and brought himself down on her. She rolled out from under him with a squeak, but he pounced on her before she could get away. Smokepaw pretended to bring his fangs to Emberpaw's throat, stopping when his muzzle was at her chin. "I win," he proclaimed.
"Good job," Oakleaf purred, padding over to congratulate his apprentice.
Emberpaw looked a little dejected, so Watersplash reassured her that she didn't have to win every time. "Besides, you'll get better," she meowed. "It's not like you always have to do everything right or anything."
"No, that honour goes to you," Oakleaf broke in, a twinkle in his hazel eyes. They were just green enough to remind Watersplash a bit of looking into Grasstail's eyes, and regret swelled in her chest as she watched Oakleaf blink at her. She quickly swallowed it down as the lithe brown tom continued, "After all, you are the cat with the prophecy about her, aren't you?"
"I guess I am," Watersplash purred. The fur on the back of her neck began to stand on end, but she willed it to lie flat. There was nothing wrong with Oakleaf; he was a perfectly nice cat. "I guess with all the stuff that's happened to me, I've kind of forgotten that I'm supposed to be some kind of saviour of the Clans- or saviour of something, at least. It might not turn out to be that large-scale."
Oakleaf's eyes twinkled as he took a couple steps closer to Watersplash. "All the stuff that's happened, huh?" he meowed. "You mean like becoming a warrior, Patchfur going missing, getting an apprentice…?"
"And other things," she said. And everything that happened with Grasstail.
"Other things, you say?" Oakleaf echoed, his tail twitching curiously. "Like what kind of things?"
"Oh, you know," Watersplash meowed briskly, suddenly wishing she'd just kept her muzzle shut. "Things. Stuff. Relationships."
Relationships?! Why in StarClan's name did I say that?! Watersplash berated herself. What if Oakleaf got suspicious and figured out that for more than a season, she'd been seeing a WindClan cat?! Her life as she knew it would be over.
Fortunately, Oakleaf seemed not to have picked up on it. He turned back to Smokepaw, who was splashing about in the stream with Snakepaw and Emberpaw while Coalpaw hung back despite Antleg encouraging him to join them.
"It's pretty cool to have an apprentice," Oakleaf murmured. "It's like it solidified the fact that I'm a warrior. I said that to Shellsong when Smokepaw first got assigned to me, but she didn't seem to get it- maybe because Miststar didn't give her a 'paw of her own. When she gets to train one herself, she might understand."
"Maybe so," Watersplash mumbled. She hated to admit it- he was her friend, after all- but she was starting to get a little uncomfortable with all the attention from Oakleaf. This hadn't been the first time he'd picked her out of a group to talk to, and Shellsong had reported that he talked about her a lot among his littermates.
"He totally likes you," the pale tabby she-cat had said. "I mean, who can blame him, right? I'd totally have a crush on you if I was into she-cats."
Watersplash hadn't been so sure. "How can you know that for certain?" she'd asked. "It doesn't seem like he's any closer to me than he is to you and Mallowheart."
"Yeah, but we're littermates!" Shellsong had pointed out. "If he's paying that much attention to a cat who's not kin, he must be in love with you!"
"Well, 'love' is a strong word," Watersplash had muttered darkly- a bit too darkly for Shellsong's taste, apparently, as she'd quickly changed the topic to hunting. Now that Oakleaf was talking to Watersplash again, she was starting to think her friend may have been right.
The question was, did Watersplash want him to like her- and was there the slightest chance she liked him back?
Life was pointless. Everything was fox dung, and every cat was either a mange-pelt or a rabbit-brain. There was no point in living. Not without her.
Appleshine had stormed into the den just now and yelled that it had been almost three moons now, that Grasstail had no reason to still be moping around. Had it been that long? It didn't feel like it had been almost three moons. It didn't even feel like it had been one moon. It felt like it had been just the day before, and it felt like it had been a lifetime ago. Watersplash didn't love Grasstail anymore- or even if she did somehow still care about him just a tiny bit, she had to hate him far more than she loved him. Worse yet, Grasstail didn't love Watersplash anymore, but he wanted to. Either that or he did still love her and didn't want to. He honestly couldn't tell.
Did it matter? Of course not. They weren't together anymore, and that was all that mattered. They would never be together again.
Time passed in a different way than it had before they'd broken up. Every day dragged out to the point of feeling like an eternity, and yet it all blended together so that it felt like only a few days had passed in the span of a moon. Grasstail could barely ever get out of his nest in the mornings- most days he was lucky to get out of his nest at all. Podtail had tried to make him move into the medicine den, but Grasstail had refused. He didn't want to be bathed in the scent of herbs at all hours.
On the rare days he felt good enough to get up, he made an effort to contribute to his Clan at least a little bit- because WindClan was his Clan, whether he liked it or not. Seedpelt had been able to coax him into joining a patrol a couple of times, and Grasstail had volunteered to check Gorsewind for ticks a few times. It wasn't pleasant, but nothing in life was pleasant anymore. The taste of mouse bile wasn't half as bitter as Grasstail was inside. Besides, he liked hearing Gorsewind talk about his time as Sandstar's mate. It was good to know that he wasn't the first cat to have loved so deeply and to have had that love fall apart.
Podtail's herbs worked… okay, he supposed. But that was only when he took them. Grasstail didn't like the way they tasted, and he didn't like what they did to his body. Maybe if Podtail had forced him to take the herbs every day, Grasstail would be recovering from his crushing depression, and he'd already be feeling much better. Maybe that was the way things were in some alternate universe. And maybe in another alternate universe, Grasstail hadn't been such a jerk and he and Watersplash were still together. None of that mattered, because he was stuck right where and when he was.
On a particularly bad day, one where Grasstail could not force himself to get out of his nest, and did not care enough to feel too upset about it, Berryheart kept him company. She kept talking to him, but Grasstail just couldn't bring himself to engage her in a conversation. He could hardly bring himself to move at all, let along speak. Berryheart didn't become discouraged and leave, however- not like every one of his other Clanmates had done at least once at some point.
It was at times like those that Grasstail appreciated his littermate. Appleshine pretended to be furious with him about having broken the warrior code, which she'd never technically found out about but had more or less known for a long time, but Grasstail didn't think she was mad at him anymore- at least not mad about that. He thought she was frightened by his depression, and the fact that he hadn't bounced back like she had probably expected. Seedpelt gave Grasstail words of encouragement, and said positive things to him, but he couldn't really have understood. Barkstripe kept her distance, spending more and more time with Appleshine. Grasstail wondered if they were officially mates yet. He kind of hoped they were. Surely some cats deserved to be happy together, even if they weren't he and Watersplash.
When Podtail came in, carrying a bundle of herbs wrapped up in a leaf, Berryheart scampered out of the den. Grasstail wanted to say goodbye to her, and thank her for talking to him, but he just… couldn't. Instead, he lay there in his nest like he was dead. He almost wished he was dead. Hey, why not? It wasn't like his life was going to get any better. Even if he stopped feeling like mouse-dung, what more would StarClan really have in store for him? Grasstail was never going to be leader or deputy, and he wasn't part of any fancy prophecy like Watersplash. He'd probably never fall in love again, either. It would just be dull, exhausting routine until he died. Why delay that by however many seasons it would be? Why not just stop living now and get it over with?
"Hello, Grasstail," Podtail meowed, setting down his herbs. "How are you feeling today?"
Grasstail knew he owed the medicine cat an answer. He owed him a lot. He owed all of his Clanmates so much for putting up with him for so long. But he couldn't give it to them, and that was exactly the problem.
Podtail must have taken his lack of an answer as an answer in and of itself. "Well, no matter," he muttered. He unwrapped the pile of herbs and pushed them toward Grasstail. "Go on; eat up."
"Hhhgg…" was the best response Grasstail could manage. He gingerly nipped at a leaf of thyme. While he was eating his herbs, wanting to gag the whole time, Podtail tidied up the area around his nest. Even though Grasstail didn't have the energy to express it, he was immensely grateful for everything the medicine cat had done for him, and he hated himself for making it all a waste.
Thyme, chamomile, sorrel, and some honey to make it all go down easier- pretty basic stuff for the most part, and it was the combination that seemed to have worked the best so far. Podtail had tried adding other things, like some goatweed and feverfew that he'd gotten from RiverClan, and Juniper berries, which had helped a little but had made Grasstail nauseous when combined with everything else.
The truth, which Podtail had admitted after Grasstail had started eating his herbs on a moderately regular basis and had seen not much if any improvement, was that there were no herbs for depression. There were herbs that would calm cats and herbs that would give cats energy, but nothing that could make Grasstail go back to the way he was before. The only way that was going to happen was if Grasstail had the strength to tough it out.
As optimistic as his Clanmates may have been, Grasstail knew he wasn't strong enough to beat out the cloud of darkness that had settled over him. Maybe it really would be better if he were dead.
Watersplash still missed Grasstail from time to time. Okay, that was a lie; she missed him a lot. But she'd learned to live without him. Most of the time she got so caught up in whatever she was doing and whoever she was doing it with that she forgot to miss him.
The night of the first Gathering after they broke up, Watersplash had faked a cough and stayed home. The second time, she'd gotten sick for real, and though she'd quickly recovered, it has served as yet another reminder that leaf-bare was coming. But now the full moon had come around for the third time, and Watersplash was going to the Gathering despite how much dread she carried in her belly. In a way, she was almost kind of looking forward to seeing Grasstail. It would be the worst thing ever, but also the best just to catch a glimpse of him again, even if she didn't get a chance to talk to him.
By the time RiverClan got to the clearing on the island, WindClan was already there. Watersplash immediately ran up to Appleshine and Barkstripe, who had their tails intertwined. Grasstail wasn't with them- he might have stayed behind, or he might have just been hanging back from his Clanmates. Either way, she could at least find out how he was doing.
"Hi, is Grasstail here tonight?" she meowed. "I haven't seen him in quite some time."
Appleshine snorted contemptuously. "Neither have I- at least, not outside of his nest," she meowed curtly. "I can only assume I've got you to thank for that."
Watersplash was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked, tilting her head. "…Grasstail's not hurt, is he?"
"He's not physically hurt, but something's very wrong with him," Barkstripe muttered darkly. "Podtail says he's depressed."
"Depressed?" Watersplash echoed, her tail drooping. What exactly did that constitute? From what she understood, it was basically just another word for "sad". But how would that prevent him from leaving his nest? Watersplash had been sad too, but she had moved on with her life well enough. The notion that Grasstail might not have had never crossed her mind. She'd wondered how hung up on her he was, of course, but to think that it could have been that bad…
Barkstripe explained that Grasstail had changed in the past couple moons. She said he didn't have the energy to do anything anymore, at least not most of the time. Appleshine stood beside Barkstripe- were they mates now?- and didn't say anything. Watersplash still didn't totally understand how Grasstail could have just… stopped being able to do things. Couldn't he just try to be happier? Couldn't he just think about the things he liked to cheer him up? Couldn't some cat just make him get out of his nest and do stuff even if he wasn't happy about it? It didn't seem logical.
Watersplash thought about that a lot through the rest of the night. She hardly even noticed when the other Clans arrived, and she could barely pay attention to anything any of the leaders said. All she could think of was Grasstail. Had he fallen into depression because of her?! He must have. It was all her fault. She felt so guilty about it that she couldn't think of anything else.
After the leaders had finished speaking, it was time to leave. Oakleaf walked beside Watersplash on the way home, making idle conversation with her about the Gathering. He flicked some mud at her when she failed at keeping up the conversation- she was too downcast to really give much mind to the brown-furred tom. However, Oakleaf was persistent, and he bumped up against Watersplash with a teasing purr. Watersplash's face grew hot under her fur. She was starting to think Shellsong might have been right about him after all.
"You're in love with a cat from another Clan, aren't you?" he meowed suddenly when they had reached the camp. Every other cat headed for their dens, but Oakleaf and Watersplash lingered beneath a scatter of saplings. "Don't try to deny it," he added as Watersplash flinched. "Your whole demeanor keeps changing, and tonight you're miserable. You're in love."
Watersplash swallowed hard, but it didn't do anything about the lump in her throat. "I'm not…" she began, but Oakleaf cut her off with a flick of his tail.
"Whatever you're about to say, don't bother," he meowed matter-of-factly. "I've been suspicious for a while now- my whole life, actually, but it only really started when you got so upset out of the blue around three moons ago. It was because of them, isn't it- the cat you like?"
"I don't like any cat from another Clan," Watersplash hissed. She didn't like how close Oakleaf was getting to the truth. "You're making it up."
She fully expected Oakleaf to give her some crushing retort, but instead he shook his pelt out and gave his chest a few licks. "Well, you can't fool me, but that's okay," he told her. "No other cat has to know. Besides, it won't matter after tonight."
"Why not?" Watersplash asked, her pelt prickling with apprehension. There was something about the way Oakleaf approached, his hazel eyes narrowed, but not in an angry manner. "I said why not," she repeated, a bit louder this time in hopes of attracting her other Clanmates' attentions. "Oakleaf, what are you planning on-"
She was cut off as another muzzle was pressed against her own. Oakleaf drew his tongue around her fangs and she shuddered, backing away. It didn't do any good; Oakleaf placed his front paws on hers, digging his claws in just the tiniest bit. He bit her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. Watersplash let out a muffled shriek, and she bit back aggressively, snapping at his muzzle. He drew it away and she thought he had come to his senses, but instead he pounced on her like she was prey and pinned her down.
Watersplash struggled beneath him, scrabbling at his belly. Oakleaf closed his eyes and purred, lowering himself down toward her. She scratched him on the shoulder and he jerked away, cursing, before bringing his claws down on her. Watersplash raised her paws to protect herself, hissing as Oakleaf's claw tore into her left ear.
"Why are you fighting me?" Oakleaf demanded. "I'm trying to help you get over that WindClan dirtbag!"
WindClan? Watersplash gasped. "How did you know what Clan he's in?!"
"Oh, I know more than you could ever know," Oakleaf purred. It was a menacing purr- the type that made Watersplash's skin crawl. "Grasstail, isn't it? The green one. I've gotta say, Watersplash, you sure know how to pick 'em."
Watersplash drew in a sharp breath. Oakleaf's whiskers quivered with amusement as he leaned into her. He knew. Oakleaf knew about Grasstail. How did he know?!
"Get away from me!" Watersplash screeched. With all her might, she extended her hind legs with enough force to send Oakleaf flying. He skidded in the dirt, kicking up a swirl of dust and leaf litter.
"That was a mistake," he hissed, wiping blood from the corner of his muzzle. "You'll live to regret this, Watersplash- mark my words."
He went into the warriors' den. Needless to say, Watersplash didn't feel very comfortable sleeping there that night, knowing that he was only a few tail-lengths away. This is terrible, she thought as she curled her tail around her nose. What am I going to do?!