The briskness of the wind was enough to make one's face feel like it was going to fall off. Gloves, hats, scarves, and the classic North Face jacket were used to combat Chicago's chill; and of course, coffee. That's where Ethan found Jeff. He joined him in line right outside the hospital; waiting for the warm beverage.
"Guess we had the same idea," Ethan observed over Jeff's shoulder.
They hadn't hung out in about a week. No beer, no studying, no pestering. So, for once Ethan found himself initiating contact and conversation. Jeff was staring across the hospital campus; at what or who it was unknown.
"Earth to Jeff," Ethan joked.
"-Oh, hey Ethan," Jeff answered; snapping out of the haze momentarily.
"What's going on with you?" Ethan asked.
"I've been thinking," Jeff started as he handed the vendor cash, "Wondering really, about what I'm doing with my life," he finished.
"What do you mean? You're training to be a doctor; competing for a residency spot, right?" Ethan questioned.
"Yeah but why…for who?" Jeff started, "Life is short, and you never know how much time you have; I want to make sure I'm using mine in the right way…the right place," he finished cryptically. He casually watched Natalie cross the campus with a smile as she caught up to Will walking in.
"Are you dying? That's a lot of life or death talk," Ethan teased.
"No," Jeff said breaking his stern gaze, "But life is not promised."
…
Elsewhere April could not stop trying to grapple with that exact sentiment. It wasn't promised; just teased. Hope for her had just did what it always did; bred eternal misery.
"April! April! April! Look what I made!" Eric announced rushing to her with a sheet a paper flapping in the wind.
"Wow! What's that?!" April asked enthusiastically.
The toddler sat on her lap; marveling at his work.
"That's me, daddy and you!" he said brightly.
"That's beautiful! And what is this? Is that the sun?" April asked.
"No that's the baby… she's watching us!" Eric said with a smile, "She's goin' come down from where she's hiding after the wedding, so we can be a family."
The wind had been knocked out of April. Tate stopped what he was doing to walk over. The large man bent down on one knee.
"Eric, we talked about this…the baby isn't coming back. Not now, not after the wedding…never," Tate stated; his tone laced with bitterness and misery.
The tears would've began but rage and guilt kept them at bay within April. Tate stood back up and finished grabbing a few toys. That's what he'd been doing. He was packing a bag for Eric to stay a little longer with his mother. She had offered in their time of grief. Eric jumped off April's lap but he turned and whispered.
"I know she's coming back."
He scurried off in the way toddlers do; his thoughts and motivations propelled by the sounds of faux explosions and his imaginary cape behind him. He wanted to be April's hero, but this wasn't that kind of story. When guilt and anger didn't fill her numbness and emptiness were waiting patiently to take over. The physical emptiness of her womb allowed for board of those feelings; where life was vacated. All those moods felt useless. They did nothing to placate the pain. The sun was not coming back. Tate got Eric's jacket and hat on before fitting himself in his outerwear.
"I'll be back after I drop him off," Tate stated; but his eyes didn't meet April's.
He hadn't been able to really look at her after the D&C. They shared one moment of connection before the procedure, but neither of them could barely speak, let alone eat or comfort the other. His helplessness was apparent, and April refused to feel the same way. As soon as the door hit she got up and went to the bedroom to put her scrubs on. She had to be of service it was better than sitting around
.…
"April…sweetheart what are doing here?" Maggie asked astonished.
"I need to work, I can't just sit at home…things between Tate and I are…different," she admitted as she tucked her coat and bag into the small compartment under the nurses' station.
"Are you sure?" Maggie pressed.
"Absolutely, put me to work," April answered robotically.
Just then through the doors a young girl and her mother rushed in.
"Help us! Help my daughter please! She can't breathe!" The woman yelled through her heavy accent.
"On it!" Ethan yelled.
The paramedic rattled off the symptoms of pre-treatment given. Without realizing it April was next to him translating the Spanish the woman was speaking to her daughter.
"We speak English," she said.
She told Ethan that she knew her daughter had a valve issue in her heart and that she would need surgery; she'd been having trouble breathing during their flight over.
"I'll page Dr. Rhodes," Ethan stated after they got the little girl stabilized.
Connor came down and confirmed the mothers' diagnosis and that her daughter indeed needed surgery. It was evident the little girl was afraid. "
"¿Cuál es el chocolate favorito de tu mina de caramelo? (What is your favorite candy mine is chocolate)," April asked the little girl with a smile.
Her voice, speaking Spanish, was like velvet to Ethan's ears' he only glanced at her for an instant without letting it in. He didn't want to indulge in memories of her speaking or singing in Spanish; swaying her hips to music in his head. Immediately, one of his hands went to his pockets, twiddling his fingers. He had this patient to focus on and that's what he was going to do until he noticed the sweat on her mother's brow.
"Ma'am are you okay?" Ethan asked.
"Y-es, just worried, it's been a long day," she answered unconvincingly.
"With all due respect you don't look too good, we could do a quick examination-," he started.
"-No! I just need to freshen up, is there a bathroom I can use?" she asked nervously.
April nodded and led her to the one-roomed public stall for visitors, but she didn't leave. She was just as worried for the woman's state as Ethan was. Seconds turned to minutes, much more minutes than one may need to be in the bathroom and the sounds of lurching and vomiting were echoing throughout the small room and passing to April's ears outside the door. She shook her head and continued knocking. Finally, completely concerned, and convinced there was something medically wrong with Sumira April called the custodian to unlock the door. But the pounding had been heard by Ethan and Jeff. They quickly rushed over; ready to act. April put her hand up. Woman to woman, she stated;
"Just give me a second."
April slid in and let the door close behind her. Sure, enough Sumira was vomiting but the violent retching sound was from what she was trying to get out. Small blue knots of bulbous material bobbed at the top of the yellow bile in the toilet. Immediately April knew; it was drugs, Surmira was a mule.
"Please," Surmira begged through her rushed breath, "It was the only way I could help my daughter."
April nodded; ready to conceal the crime as she let the woman flush the bags. But then she clutched her chest as she couldn't conceal the pain.
"She's OD'ing!" April yelled.
Ethan and Jeff rushed in and they immediately got her to a gurney and then to a bed in the ED. But even her impending death was not enough to scare her from the threat of the police. April finally pleaded with her to let them remove the last balloons, so she could live; for her daughter. Ethan had other plans. The entire ordeal had called upon an old demon of his; judgement. Early on in his enlistment he found out that drugs, opioids in particular, were the goods used to finance the Taliban's regime. When he returned home so much of the gang violence was from territory; drug territory. He'd seen enough violence and death brought on by the very contraband Sumira smuggled within her. His choice was clear. She had to be turned in.
…
Sumira's daughter's surgery was successful and she was wheeled upstairs to see her. As harrowing as the events were it warmed April's heart to see them together. They had what she didn't; hope.
"We need to talk to Goodwin," Ethan stated to Jeff and April quietly.
April's shoulders slumped at the idea of ruining someone's second chance. It was one thing for forces beyond one's control, but it was another to entirely go out of her way to destroy it.
"No-," April said coldly and succinctly right before they got to Sharon's office door.
"What?" Jeff and Ethan answered in union.
They both spun around to look at April.
"She wasn't trying to sell it she was trying to destroy it!" April said in a forceful whisper.
"Smuggling is a crime regardless and we'd be committing one if we don't-," Ethan argued.
"-Right now, it's a victim-less crime; why are we making her situation worse?" April interrupted.
"We're following the law April."
"She did what she did to help her daughter; I would do the same for my child!"
"Well you don't have a child yet, do you?" Ethan hissed back, "It's not up for debate," he announced before opening the door.
Jeff's eyes closed tightly as Ethan's words rang through the hall. It would've been another sucker punch, but April was at work and she didn't want to crumble in front of her 's jawed clenched and he found his hand back in his pocket fiddling with his fingers.
"Well one pouch does not demonstrate intent to sell…were there more?" Sharon asked.
"No," April answered defiantly.
Jeff, still floored by Ethan's' attitude towards April, decided to side with deceit and ultimately with rationale.
"No," he answered in support.
Ethan turned and looked at both of them and then lightly scoffed.
"Alright," Sharon started, "Good thing too, we'd have to call Homeland Security; the DEA, this place would've been crawling with G-Men."
She looked back down and went back to work on her computer. The three slowly walked out of the office. April let out a sigh that it was over until Ethan turned and snapped.
"Don't ever put me in that position again; either of you," he hissed.
"Ethan-," April began quietly.
"-Here, it's Dr. Choi," he finished before storming off.
That was it. April had no idea what the shift in his personality had been, but he'd made it clear. They were something else; but friends, that was not it, at least not anymore, not here.
…
Ethan still felt flustered by what he said, but he was angry. How could she do that? How could she put him in that situation? Make him think one thing and then do another? It wasn't fair. He was still grumbling in his head over it when the door to the lounge swung open and Jeff charged in.
"Man, just back off," Ethan griped.
"I didn't come to apologize Ethan, I know it was wrong, but I'd do it again," Jeff swiped back defiantly.
"Then why are you here?"
"That was out of line back there!"
"You both put me in a dangerous position, it could've cost me my job; all of our jobs!"
"I understood where she was coming from, it was over, and there was no more evidence! All we would've been doing was complicating an already complicated situation, April understood that; she put herself in that mother's position," Jeff pleaded.
"Well, I'm sure as a soon to be mother it was easier for her. I don't have the luxury of letting my maternal emotions rule me!" Ethan fired back.
"And neither does she!" Jeff yelled.
"What are you talking about?"
Jeff shook his head and scoffed.
"April lost the baby a week ago, I'm not even sure why or how she's here," Jeff said shaking his head.
Ethan just looked confused as he shook his head.
"You've been trying so hard to stay away from her, not notice her, you didn't even notice when her life fell apart."
Jeff picked up his bag from the floor where Ethan's proverbial jaw was sitting and walked out of the lounge.
If Jeff only knew. Ethan felt his heart race and his stomach sour. His mouth watered excessively as he barely made it over to the garbage to throw up. Those thoughts had literally sickened him as he sat over the can thinking about the energy he put out into the world. The thoughts he had that had become his reality and now her nightmare.
…
April thought work would be a refuge from her pain. A place to heal but it was fraught with conflict too. Her relationships felt so shaky; fragile. Home wasn't really home anymore. This was the second time in a short span of two months that she was back on the outs with Tate. But this fight; this struggle had no name. A nameless child, a nameless pain, an uncertain just wanted to lie down but that wasn't going to happen. Just as she opened the door she heard him.
"Where have you been?" Tate asked.
His deep voiced boomed throughout the empty house. When April turned his eyes went wide then narrowed at her in frustration.
"You went to work?!" he said almost accusingly.
April just stood staring at him.
"How much more is that place allowed to take?" He asked as he stood up.
His eyes said it all. They were still unable to meet April's, but she met his. His anger over their loss, but more anything; his blame. He walked silently upstairs leaving April downstairs; to answer the door. She'd barely had a chance to hear it.
"Hey, I got your favorite," Noah said with a sincere smile.
"It's not a good time Noah," April said.
She hadn't taken the box from him. He stood in her doorway staring at his big sister feebly.
"April, I don't know what to say or do…I don't know if anyone does but…I'm here…okay," Noah said quietly.
His eyes were sincere. He harbored no judgement, anger, no expectations and for the first time in a week April let go and Noah caught her. He tightly wrapped his arms around her allowing her to unpack her pain as she sobbed in his shoulder. They prayed together, and he left the box on her counter. April curled up on the couch. Sleeping apart from Tate would soon become the norm.