So, because so much of this fic is centered around a re-rewrite of canon I think it's fair to say we all know what happened during Monday Mourning. I don't really want to write about Wheeler in this too much but wanted to focus on what could've happened \ after Ethan visited Jason's body in the morgue and April broke up with Tate, so this is the focus of this chapter.
Ethan had done his best all day to try and keep everyone focused. Relying on his field experience; foolishly not realizing it was this mode of emotional exercise that had led him to not being able to deal with his PTSD. He had been too focused, too robotic, and it almost caused him to misdiagnose a patient. When he finally made himself face Jason it was the disappointment he felt at not being able to help. He had been so aloof recently, not just with April, but in a way to everyone. If there had been any signs from Wheeler than he would have missed them. He missed everything lately. Jeff was distant, Noah was preoccupied with April, and April had lost the baby. He was so ashamed at the thoughts he had about her pregnancy and even more so at how he'd treated her.
…
The chaos of taking shifts to do compressions on the little boy who fell in the river was enough to take April's mind off the falling resident. It was extremely sad; but it almost disgusted April. The death of her baby was too fresh and the thought of someone squandering their life was too much to stomach. Keeping this boy alive was taxing and listening to his parents; his mother mostly, unapologetically blame her husband had pushed April to a stark reality. Noah arrived moments later to relieve her, but instead of rest she went to find Tate. Sliding off that beautiful six carat diamond ring he gave her made her feel as though she was handing him what was left of her guilt. She didn't have to shoulder it because she wouldn't need to tip-toe around his anger.
"I hope you find everything you're looking for," she said sadly.
"You too," he answered genuinely.
April still had her twenty-minute break from compressions, so she used the last fifteen minutes to head up to the roof. She was letting the scenery swallow here vision; so much so she hadn't noticed that she walked up right beside Ethan
This was still their spot. He had gone up there to try and put himself in Jason's shoes. To think about what he thought about before ending it. He was agitated to say the least. April may not have noticed him, but he noticed her.
"I don't want to talk about it," Ethan stated succinctly.
"I didn't offer," April hissed back.
She just scoffed and headed to the door. She really hadn't planned on discussing the last piece of happiness she had in her life going away. She was numb. No more pain could enter because there was no room left inside her for it. She was pain incarnate and there was almost no one to turn to; least of all her supposed friend Ethan.
After her shift ended she went back to Tate's and quietly packed her things. Noah had offered to help so he went back for some of her larger belongings with a group of movers.
…
It was finally time to mourn. Sure, she needed work, or she thought she did but being around all that loss was too much. She had barely had a chance to process her own, and then, of course, there was Ethan. He had become a strange source of ire; where once he'd been a place of refuge.
Most days she sat on her couch staring at the wall. Sometimes silent tears would fall over everything she lost; all hope and possibility being stolen like a thief in the night. Her future certain and bleak; and almost none of it within her control.
Noah came by often. He had comfort food from their parents at first, but the demands of his internship soon turned the visits into study sessions. Not long after Jeff oddly followed. They hung out mostly; then they'd study and then write down everything they couldn't answer or were fuzzy on. Jeff was always floored at what April knew and could fill them in on.
…
After the blow-up with the drug mule Ethan and April had remained icy. One night they had to work together on a patient who was another source of dispute. Although time had helped to heal some wounds for April her faith in God and attachment to Catholicism could not let her be okay with those that casually gave their lives away. This patient had a nasty fall with a fractured skull and a brain bleed. He'd signed an advance directive because he knew his life was going to end from ALS.
"Please, I beg you, reconsider this," she said softly.
The man looked upon her with remorse and kindness.
"A couple of months ago I had miscarriage and if I could even have the little amount of time you have; just to have a month… a moment, just one with my baby I would've. Isn't it worth it?" she asked heartfully.
"They say if you're going through hell to keep going…cause I guess you're supposed endure until you find the other side…well I say bullshit. If you're going through hell you need to find the door that got you into it and run like the wind through it. People who think there is redemption from pain are either fools or sadists. I'm sorry about the loss of your baby but…I got to live a life, more than a moment, and I know I don't want this."
He had a point, but it was hard for her to concede. Life was that important to her; to her faith. April tried at all costs to preserve it and watching someone lose or even helping them was something she couldn't do. So, she refused to.
Ethan was going to carry out the man's wishes but eventually April came around but only out of a sense of duty. She hated it. April proceeded to give him the heparin.
Ethan had been listening outside the curtain. He had tried a couple of times to make eye contact with her, but she was closed off. As of late he had noticed she no longer wore her ring. He wanted to ask but he hadn't just messed up and made a wrong turn in Crushville he had set the whole damn place on fire. Luckily, he knew an ex-fireman.
"Hey," Jeff said.
"Hey," Ethan said back.
They hadn't been hanging out or talking too much since their blow-up in the breakroom, but Jeff was ready to make peace. His time spent at Med had let him know that life was short and petty squabbles had no place in it.
"Noah and I have been studying together a lot," he stated.
"Oh, is that right," Ethan responded.
"Yeah but we have some stuff that we would still like to ask…you know a doctor," he admitted; blushing.
"What time?" Ethan asked.
"Tonight 8:30, April's place," Jeff answered in a hurry before quickly walking off.
…
Most nights when Noah came by he arrived first; then Jeff. Like clockwork there would be one knock and then two. Until tonight when a third knock came at the door.
"Dr. Choi," April answered.
She was shocked to see him at the door. He had his hand back in his pocket fidgeting again.
"Hey, we got the pizza called in, we're going to pick it up in ten!" Noah called from behind her.
He and Jeff were at her dining room table. Jeff smirked a little at his handy work.
"Jeff said they needed some help with a few questions…," Ethan stated sheepishly.
April nodded stiffly and let him in.
Ice-cream cakes could be cut easier than the tension in the room. Ethan sat down and began to read one of the questions out loud and started to explain. Immediately the reasoning hit April and she pointed down into Noah's text book to nudge him toward the answer.
"Ugh April you fed him that answer, you got to stop coddling him!" Ethan joked but there was a seriousness under his tone.
"Coddling?" April questioned him.
Jeff look over at Noah; his face was beet red like a child with his hand caught in a cookie jar.
"So, Noah, how about we pick up some beers before we grab the pizza?" Jeff asked.
He knew that April and Ethan had more than enough air to clear between the two of them and this conversation was headed to a place he didn't want to be. Noah looked up and nodded; happy to get out of the growing disagreement. They stood up and practically raced as casually as possible out of the apartment. The clap of the door allowed Ethan to go in.
"There's a great doctor in there, but if you are helping him every step of the way he'll never get there."
"These are study sessions, not tests," April stated coldly.
"Noah has a way of getting other people to do his work for him-." Ethan started.
"-Look, you've been very helpful you don't know much about Noah and you really don't know much about me," she said looking away.
She was still angry. Angry about the way he treated her, and the giant unnamed, unexplored bit of history in the room was still sitting between them. April stood up and walked over to her living room and Ethan followed.
"That's not true…," he said; his hands in his pockets fidgeting.
He finally produced what had kept his fingers so busy. What he had been playing with for the last couple of months. He set in down on the coffee table in front of her.
"I know you."
It was her earring. The one she left in his bed. April stared at it as the memories of movies, untried food, amateur dancing, and ultimately, the beginning of a deep friendship was sitting in that earring. She still didn't understand his distance, but he was trying to make amends. This time she avoided his eyes, but if she hadn't she would've seen them pleading for forgiveness; and brimming with affection.
"About Sumira- the drug mule-…I'm sorry I just couldn't see any other way," she admitted.
"I know, I didn't contest it cause deep down I think I knew you were right….and I'm sorry," he confessed.
"It's fine, I don't know if there was a right or wrong answer in there anyway," she said; still looking at the table and avoiding his eyes.
"No, I'm sorry about what I said…I didn't know about the baby," he acknowledged as sat next to her on the couch.
"How would you?" April asked as her anger began simmering to her chest, "When have you been around?" she stated critically as her eyes shot over to him.
"I'm sorry for that too," Ethan apologized nervously.
He was ready to tell her the truth.
"I don't understand, did I say something or do something wrong? Because one minute you said I didn't take up enough room in your life…," she started as the realization of those words hit her.
But April was almost afraid of what that meant. What she had held deep in the back of her mind and in heart. The reality of what he meant. He remembered those words.
"You didn't…you don't. But you did in my thoughts," he admitted.
He had brought his hand up to the side of her face.
"April, there's something I've wanted to tell you," he said as he leaned in closer.
April's breath was even more nervous. Here had been the cultivation of all those moments; those tiny spaces of time in which her sadness and curiosity had pulled him in. The almost uncontrollable urges he had to taste it. He searched her eyes for it and he believed he'd found it as he lifted her chin and began to push his face forward; his lips.
"-April, we got the 312 Ale!" Noah announced loudly as the door opened.
April and Ethan scurried like insects under a light in the dark. Ethan closed his eyes quickly and sharply before standing. Jeff's eyes went wide and then normalized and the old shit eating grin he saved for Ethan spread across his face,
"Well it looks like it's dinner time, I didn't throw in on this, text me any other questions you might have and good luck!" Ethan announced as he hastily exited April's apartment.
April sat on the couch not a hundred percent sure of what just happened. Was he going to? Were they? No, because her life had been derailed and being with someone new was the last thing she needed. She took a quick deep breath in and avoided the prying eyes of Jeff for the rest of the evening.
…
Ethan and April were worse than two awkward teenagers they were like two people walking around in the dark; scared to death to bump into something; into each other.
"April about last night-," Ethan started.
"-It was just as much my fault as yours...So let's just forget about it," she said quickly.
Ethan's heart sank; he felt humiliated, but he quickly nodded.
"Hey Dr. Choi, you're coming to my party tonight right?" Noah asked excitedly.
Ethan and April caught each other's eyes and Noah watched the strange interaction.
"I don't think so man, but congratulations."
They continued tip-toeing around each other but eventually April had to put a stop to it no matter how weird it was.
"Please don't let what happened keep you from the party…please…come," she said with a warm smile before walking off.
Ethan didn't know what to make of it or if he would accept the invitation, but it did help to squash the overt tension.
Work went by with a few cases here and there but for the most part none paired in comparison to the giant unwanted, icky feeling Ethan had inside him. He was in the lounge when he noticed Jeff was trying to sneak out.
"Hey!"
"Caught me," Jeff acknowledged sheepishly.
"At least let me give you a ride," Ethan offered.
Jeff nodded, and they headed to the parking lot and then to his car. The ride over to O'Hare wasn't too talkative. Neither of the two were but finally Ethan had to ask.
"Why Hawaii? I like Noah, but you could've easily beaten him for the residency spot."
"It's time to move on man," Jeff began, "I need a fresh start, if I tried to get a residency here I would always be wondering 'what if'. Not to mention I am sick of snow," he finished with a laugh.
"Yeah I hear you on the fresh start."
"Didn't go the way you thought with April?" Jeff asked.
"You said it, 'It won't end well', I just didn't listen," he answered.
"Listen, you guys are not me and Natalie. Plus, timing is everything, and you stayed away a long time, she lost a lot, but I could see it between you two. She feels something for you, but it's up to you to ask, to tell her."
Silence came back to the car as he drove him to the doors.
"Go tonight," Jeff said, "Fear of 'what if' is not a reason to be unhappy."
He shut the door and Ethan thought about his words. The entire drive home he thought about the fact that he had messed this up once before. He could and would at least be a friend to her. She deserved that, but he had to tell her. He went to his apartment and stared at his closet. Quickly he grabbed blazer and headed to the pier.
…
The boat party at Kelani's was an unintended present from Tate. He had rented it for he and April's engagement party for her work friends. After the dissolution of their relationship he gave the date to Noah, a substantial financial gift, as a graduation present. Tate wasn't perfect, but he was good man. April was excited to have something to celebrate. It seemed like too much of her time had been spent crying or feeling numb but not tonight; through dancing, laughing, and talking to family and friends she was starting to feel the warmth she gave to others burning inside her again. All the dancing was enough to make her break out in a sweat and the party was just filling with more people, so she stepped away to get some air.
"April."
She heard the familiar voice and turned around. Ethan was walking up over the makeshift bridge to her.
"Dr. Choi-," she started.
He was closer than he'd been the night before.
"Ethan," he corrected succinctly before pulling her in.
This time she didn't have to wonder because she knew. Were they? Yes. Was he? Yes. She pressed her lips against his and for the first time she was living in that abandoned moment in history; embracing the unanswered question. He finally knew too, but his question was different and the answer? Coconut, vanilla, and honeydew. That's what her lips tasted like. Sweet, not a drop of bitterness. Summer.
"We should go somewhere and talk," Ethan said; his forehead pressed against hers.