Chapter 4

Dirk was so excited that he was literally leaning forward against his seatbelt as they drove. His mind was whirring with thoughts and images and memories. They were all connected, he just couldn't quite place how. He was so focused that he was completely oblivious to the awkward silence that had been between his two friends since they left the motel.

"So help me Dirk," Said Farah "if you leap out of this van and run again, I will shoot you in the leg."

"We're close!" he said excitedly "So close!"

He'd gone to buy the doughnuts and saw a corgi walking itself down the street. Unable to let it go without investigating, Dirk followed it for two blocks before losing sight of it. That had lead him to a jacket store which lead to a pizza place which lead to a furniture store. Next door to that was a bar. And hanging outside the bar door was a picture of Vogel.

Apparently, Vogel had been banned from the bar when he and "some biker chick" caused a scene. The security camera caught an image of him, but not her. While there was no image, the barkeep described her as "early 20s, brown hair, hot, and enjoyed giving people the finger". And they were heading towards Caine Creek.

They'd followed a trail of busted bars and beat up vehicles, but the trail was growing cold. The trio was stopping for supplies and hopefully intel that would heat it back up. Farah had a hunch about the pattern of Amanda's movements, and was going to check out a seedy dive on the edge of this tiny, ice covered town. She parked the van and gave instructions about how long to wait before they were supposed to look for her. She skipped the refresher about warning signs that Blackwing was on to them. Dirk was proud that after the last six stops, she finally trusted them to remember.

As she exited the van, Dirk was practically vibrating with excitement.

"This is it, Todd! We're going to find them!"

"I hope this isn't another dead end." Said Todd flatly as he sat down on the cot in the back.

"You're awfully gloomy for someone who is about to find his sister." Said Dirk as he looked back at his friend. It was then that he realized just how downcast Todd really was. "Are you alright?"

"Just… trying not to get my hopes up. We're at least a few days behind them. It will probably take us a while to make that up even if we're going in the right direction."

Dirk kept looking at Todd, who was visibly uncomfortable with Dirk's attention.

"Could you not do that?" said Todd in an aggravated voice.

"Do what?" Dirk asked.

"That… thing you're doing. Your 'I'm in touch with the Universe and can see weird connections in your soul' thing. It's annoying."

"I don't do that." Said Dirk.

Todd rolled his eyes. "Right."

Dirk gasped. He stood up from his seat, very pleased with himself for figuring it out. "I know! I know what would help! Of course! How could I be so stupid? You and Farah haven't had much room for romance since we left our old, exploded hideout. We should take an evening off and you two can have some alone time!"

Todd buried his face in his hands. "That's… not going to help things."

"No." Dirk said "It's perfect. You both need it. Time to 'fan the fames of passion' as they say. I'll talk to Farah and we'll arrange it at once! Just because we are fleeing for our lives doesn't mean you can't have a little date night."

"Dirk, I'm serious. Don't."

"I can arrange the whole thing! You can't really go out, so we'll bring the date in! Candles! Food! Flowers! I'll arrange everything! I'll even step out for a few hours so you two can have some privacy."

"You're being ridiculous. Just stop."

"Oh come on!" Dirk pleaded. "I need to do this. I owe you. And besides, you haven't even had your second kiss!"

"Yes we did!" Todd snapped.

Dirk froze. The harshness in Todd's voice hurt. A lot. The realization of this passed over Todd's face and his expression softened.

"I'm sorry." He said. "This isn't your fault."

Dirk took a cautious step towards him. "Did it… go poorly?"

"Yeah. You could say that."

Dirk sat down on the cot next to him. "What… what happened?"

Todd sighed heavily. "Yesterday, when you were gone, Farah and I started kissing. It got… heated."

Dirk's eyes widened. "Oh no. Was the sex bad?"

Todd glared at him. "What? No! Nothing like that."

"So, the sex was good?"

"There was no sex!" Todd snapped. Then in a more controlled voice he said, "We never got close."

"She didn't want to?" Dirk asked.

"What?"

"Or you didn't want to?"

"That's not what I'm getting at. Sex wasn't even on the table. We were just kissing and then…."

"You two realized you no longer had feelings for each other?"

Todd looked annoyed. "No."

Dirk gasped. "She changed her mind about dating you?!"

"Will you just shut up and let me finish?"

Dirk made a "zip" motion across his mouth. Todd collected himself and continued.

"We were kissing, and it was great, and nobody was changing their mind about anything. And then I… I had an attack."

"A pararibulitis attack?" Dirk asked.

"No, a dance attack. What do you think?!"

"I'm just trying to keep up. You're a bit or a choppy storyteller. This tale has no flow whatsoever."

"Forget it." Said Todd as he started to stand up.

Dirk grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"No, please! I'm sorry. I'll listen."

Todd sat back down.

"So," said Dirk "kissing, good, no one changing their mind about the other, pararibulitis attack, me not talking. Go."

Todd rubbed his temples. "Yeah, so that killed the mood. And as I'm laying there, immobile and crying in front of the woman I'm crazy about, I realize I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"This! Normal stuff. Romance stuff. My body literally prevents it. Because of my disease, I can't even have sex."

Dirk gasped. "Pararibulitis makes you impotent?"

"No!" Todd exclaimed "I'm not impotent! Are you even listening?"

"Yes, and you said it keeps you from being able to have sex. It's a natural thought progression to go to…"

"Intense emotion can trigger attacks!" Todd practically yelled at him.

"But why would that…" the realization hit him. "Oh." Dirk blinked. "Well, a lot of people date without having sex."

"Right, but what's the hope here? That we eventually break it off? What if we're still on the run? What if it ends badly and we're still just trying to stay alive together?"

"Maybe it won't end." Said Dirk "Maybe you two will stay together."

"And have a nice, long, sexless marriage where we grow old with no kids or grandkids since, even I do manage to do something before I burst into flames or get dipped in acid or whatever, I can't make a kid! I could have my disease pass on! I can't do that to my child!"

"Ok, Todd you're getting ahead of yourself. You're talking about marriage and hypothetical children with a woman you haven't really even technically dated yet."

"Fine. Let's talk shorter term. I can't do this. I can't even enjoy being together because of all the 'what ifs' we have looming over us. And I got so excited about being with her… about her returning the feelings I've had for her for months, that I actually forgot what a nightmare it is to be around me. She has seen me at my worst over and over again and I'm asking her to shift and somehow see me as her boyfriend too? Even with all the screaming and crying and hallucinating and vomiting and embarrassment and everything? How could she ever be alright with that?"

"You're looking at this all wrong." Said Dirk "You've got it all backwards. You're wanting her to see you as this dashing, romantic figure that can sweep her off her feet, and are afraid of your other side with all this happening and that it will repulse her. But she's seen that already. She saw it before she ever had feelings for you. She's seen you at your most pathetic and vulnerable and yet, she still wants you! Isn't that what you want in a relationship? A real one anyway. Someone who loves you even at your worst?"

Todd was silent. After a while, he stood up and grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler. Todd was thinking so hard that Dirk could practically see his mind working. Finally, he spoke, with a voice so quiet it was barely audible.

"What if she only wants me because I've been her only option? She could do so much better if we could be with normal people in a normal world. If we finally escape Blackwing and can go back to having real lives, what chance would I stand?"

Dirk's eyes narrowed. "You are being ridiculous. Do you honestly think she is just some naïve girl who wandered in with you and fell because you are the closest thing to a man she's ever met? She's been out there. Hell, she's even dated. She has seen who is out there and she still chose you just as much as you chose her. You didn't fall for her just because she's the only woman around, did you?"

"No!" Todd said in an insulted tone. "She's incredible. You know that. She's intelligent and capable and beautiful and strong. I've never met anyone like her. I'd still want to be with her if I could be with anyone on the planet."

"So, what's the difference?" Dirk asked. "Why can't she pick you?"

"Because I have nothing to offer her! Nothing. Not a future. Not children. I can't even save my own ass let alone protect her. She's the one who has been keeping me alive."

"Are you mad?!" cried Dirk "Are you really going to get your knickers in a knot because you can't give her children you don't even know if she wants, or protection which she certainly does not need?! And if that's the type of man she was looking for, you never would have stood a chance anyway."

Todd looked hurt. "So, you're saying she just wants me because I can't take care of myself? That I'm some sort of 'Dude in Distress' that she can feel good about constantly rescuing?"

"That's not what I said. That's what you said. And if that's what you're worried about, then I can't help you. You are going to have to come to peace with who you are for yourself before you will ever be able to accept someone else loving you for who you are. And I have news for you, there are people in your life that do love you as you are, whether you choose to accept that or not."

Todd looked away. Dirk stood and approached his friend. "You've spent your whole life trying to live lies and keep up appearances. Now you're here and stripped to the core and have the unbelievable fortune of your pain and mistakes and vulnerability being exposed in front of people who see that side of you and still love you. This isn't just about romance you know. It's about accepting yourself so that you can believe that others can accept you as well. Until you do that you won't have romance or friendships or be able to patch things up with Amanda. You will just keep living like someone who believes he is useless and cannot understand why anyone would think anything else about him."

For a moment, it looked like Todd was going to argue, but then his shoulders slumped, and he looked at the ground. Dirk put his hand on Todd's shoulder. Todd looked up, and Dirk said,

"There's still some ice cream left in the cooler. We should eat it."

Todd chuckled and sniffed. "Ice cream doesn't solve everything you know."

"It solves most things." Said Dirk.

Dead end. They couldn't find a single lead on Amanda.

Dirk was getting a rare turn driving. Farah was making frustrated faces while she went over her notes, trying to find a pattern.

"You're sure you don't feel anything?" said Todd. "Any Universe pulling at all?"

Dirk sighed. "No. Just the pull of wanting to sleep in a bed tonight. How far is the next town?"

"About an hour." Said Farah. "We are beyond middle of nowhere."

Dirk sighed. "Then I will certainly need another shot of caffeine. Todd, would you be so kind as to get me a soda?"

"What type?" Todd asked as he walked back to the cooler.

"The dark kind." Dirk replied. He looked at the wooded scenery surrounding the barely paved road. It was almost hypnotic seeing miles and miles of trees go by.

The quiet moment was interrupted by Todd slamming his hand repeatedly against the floor.

"Stop the van!" Farah yelled.

Dirk slammed on the breaks and heard various items and Todd tumble across the floor in the back. Farah unbuckled and leapt to the back of the van. Dirk wasn't far behind.

What Dirk saw was horrifying. Todd was on the floor, mouth open in a silent scream. His eyes were bulging, and his face was purple.

"He's not getting any air!" cried Farah as she pulled out the syringe with practiced speed and precision. She injected Todd in his leg as if it were an epi pen.

At first, nothing happened. Dirk watched in helpless terror as Todd stopped struggling and the life began draining from his eyes.

Then a gasp.

"Sit him up!" Farah ordered.

Dirk obeyed and pushed Todd up to a sitting position just as Farah shoved a bucket under Todd's face. They were just in time as Todd's body began violently throwing up.

Dirk gagged.

When the vomiting stopped, Todd began shaking all over like he had horrible chills. Farah and Dirk carefully lowered him back to the floor as Farah spoke in a reassuring voice.

"You're alright. It's ok now. You're breathing. It's almost over. Stay calm. Don't fight it. We've got you. Stay calm. Stay calm."

Farah's voice was surprisingly soothing. Dirk had to remind himself she was talking to Todd and not him.

They sat there with him until the twitching stopped and Todd's body went heavy and limp.

"How long will he be asleep?" asked Dirk.

"He's not asleep. He's paralyzed. It will wear off in a bit."

Dirk stared at his friend. "You mean, he can hear us right now?"

Farah nodded. "He's aware of everything. He just can't move."

"How awful!" said Dirk before he caught himself. He looked over at Todd. "Sorry."

"We can't stay here parked in the middle of the road." She put a hand on Todd's shoulder. "Todd, we have to go. We're going to secure you in the cot. You'll be safer there." She looked at Dirk. "Help me move him."

As gently as possible, the two of them placed Todd on the cot. They strapped him down securely, even putting a strap across his forehead to keep his head from flopping around in case they had to slam on the breaks again.

"Call us when you can, and we'll let you out." Said Farah before she went to the driver's seat.

"How long will he be like this?" asked Dirk.

"It's usually less than ten minutes." She said "But there are a lot of variables that can affect it."

Dirk kept looking back to check on Todd. While he wasn't sure of the exact time they had injected him, Dirk was sure they were past the ten minute mark. Dirk could see the rise and fall of Todd's breathing, but no signs of voluntary movement.

Finally, Dirk glanced back and saw Todd's eyelids fluttering open.

"Finally!" Dirk said with a sigh. "I was starting to…"

And then the van flipped over.