Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, and am not making money off of these stories.

That said, the world these hypothetical train-wreaks of a story take place in is AU, and anyone expecting sanity or canon should flee far away. The idea for these stories came from playing Mass Effect 3, and my realization that EA didn't lay on the Messianic overtones nearly enough [/Sarcasm]. To correct this, I have decided to make this series of barely connected stories based on a universe where Shepard gains near omniscience from using the Beacons.

Text key

"speaking" "thinking" "Reaper speaking" -Scene info-

-Chapter 2; "Peace" with the Geth—

-Chapter 2.1; Cerberus Improvements-

"Run that by me again, Skipper, because I think you just said that we're going to visit the Geth home-world."

"I promised the council proof that the reapers are AI, and the Geth are acutely aware of that. So we're going to get a data core with their recording of their meeting the reaper."

"And how do you plan to do that? Ask nicely?"

"In Binary."

"What?"

"Ask nicely, in binary. They're really quite helpful if you find the right ones."

"…Is that something you learned from that damaged beacon?"

"Yes, but I also learned that you inherited a love of Tennyson from your dad and really enjoy my mass effect massages. We won't be to Rannoch for an hour, are you up for one?"

"Skipper, fraternization regs exist for a reason."

"Right, you're still only a badass gunnery chief; you aren't a badass Specter yet. I'll try to raise less ruckus so you can get promoted faster this time."

"Specter? You had my attention, but now you have my interest. Why don't we have a nice long talk and get you acquainted with when you are."

-Rannoch-

Shepard, Tali, and Ashley sat together in the Mako, strapped in and mentally prepared for a ride in the bouncy castle tank. Tail's voice broke the silence. "Not that I'm complaining, but why are we attacking the Geth on Rannoch rather than one of the groups in our territory?"

"Attacking? No, we're going here to get a data core and allies."

"Allies? No, there's no way there could be anyone left alive in Geth territory!"

"Just remember, Geth do not intentionally infiltrate."

"Shepard, what are you doing? We just landed, why are you opening the door? There's a Geth right there! Why aren't you killing it?! Why are my weapons locked?! Did you block my omni-tool? Keela, you're trading me to them for their co-operation, aren't you! I won't be taken alive! Keela Selai Boshtets!"

"Creator, why are you attempting to punch my frame? Is this a durability test? Have I done something to displease you?"

I won't be fooled by your innocent act, you monster! You probably killed my great-great-great-great -great someone or another! You all use quarrian blood for oil and are only attacking because you've run out!"

"Incorrect assumption. Creator blood does not function within acceptable limits as oil."

Tali turned to glare at Shepard. "You've got to be kidding me."

"No, blood really doesn't work well as oil. It's a decent coolant, but gets sticky if you let it dry."

"You brought me down here and let me think you were turning me over to murderous machines when really you had found a way to hack them? That's not funny Shepard."

"I didn't hack them. You should know that it's effectively impossible to control a geth against its will. That would take Reaper tech; and despite appearances, I am not an eldritch robot cuttlefish."

"It's a trick, surely!"

"The geth are very intelligent, but they are not clever. That's why they usually rely on brute force and organic commanders. They don't think in tricks or understand lies."

"Have the creators received our apologies? Will they be returning?"

"Geth, your apologies were in binary. The creators didn't understand. And no; they're still SUPER prissy about that Morning War thing."

"Quarians died, Shepard! Are you just going to brush that off?"

"Geth, what were the statistics for the morning war?"

"Exactly three billion one hundred thirty-two million four thousand and nine creators died in the events of the morning war. Eighty percent perished due to starvation caused by war conditions. Five percent died due to personal health failure. Eight percent died from battle wounds inflicted by Geth. Two percent died from wounds inflicted by creator friendly fire. Five percent were executed for attempting to defend the Geth or opposing the war. The creator ships were not pursued once they had retreated off of Rannoch. Is there any other way I may assist you, Shepard Commander?"

"Thank you, she wouldn't have believed it from me. And yes, could to send a message throughout the consensus for me to hold a meeting with them. I want to deal with the issue of the Quarians and the Old Machines before the situation devolves further."

"Shepard! You can't really be thinking of making a deal with the Geth! They're just machines! They don't have a soul!"

"Actually, they do. Well part of one. Small parts. Grouped together they can normally get to a good ninety percent on average. But I suppose that's what happens when you try to channel the spirits of your ancestors into lines of code."

"Are you trying to imply-"

"No, I'm implying it pretty effectively, I feel. C'mon, we have a meeting with the consensus; I want your dad to be able to build a house here before he dies."

"Shepard…" She didn't know whether to be touched at the thought or slightly creeped out. She deleted her on-line dating profiles either way.

-Geth Server Room-

"The reapers intend to destroy all civilization! The Citadel races, the Terminus Systems, the Krogan, the Quarians. Especially the Quarians, they hate races trying to make sentient robots almost as much as the robots themselves. And no, before you ask, they are not evolved machines, they are converted organics. They intend to destroy you once they've finished their harvest of organics. This is not about your own future versus being given a future, it's about your own future or no future."

"Skipper, why are you talking to the wall?"

"Do you know how hard it is to have good inflection in binary? I'm practicing!"

"I trust you. The overgrown toasters will be blown away no matter how bad you think your inflection is."

"Ashley… that's a really nice thing to say. It's so very… you. I almost forgot that your preference for all things human was racism back when we first met. You wanna know something funny? If you were to die in the line of duty, you would be touted as a symbol of understanding and interspecies cooperation. Something about us all being animals."

"Well they consider us all animals, so why shouldn't we? Every species looks after their own interest first… except for certain individuals who look out for themselves first."

"Yes, yes. I hate politicians too. All I'm saying is, please don't reject me if Cerberus rebuilds me with metal plates for skin or four testes."

"What?"

"Just Lazarus project stuff. Anyway, I should probably give my pitch."

-Five Minutes of Geth Chirping Later-

"So they agreed to co-exist on Rannoch so long as the satellite is untouched. They're sending a load of fruits to the migrant fleet as a gesture of goodwill, along with their offer. Legion's going to come as a representative. In exchange, Quarians don't try to kill them, and acknowledge them as fellow sentients. Now we just need to figure out what we're going to tell the Quarians. Raan and Koris would be swayed by the truth, and Zorah can't resist a chance for the home world. Have the geth give some empty platforms to sway Xen. The only one obstinately against would be Gerrel. He would back down if everyone else went for peace, but Zorah would back him. I'm going to have to sneeze in their gift baskets."

"Sherpherd! That's my father you're talking about killing!"

"Kill? No, I just want them too sick to attend the meeting. Anyway, I have an idea that would completely turn the image of geth right around…"

-One Month Later, Battle of the Citadel-

The Reaper sovereign and its fleet of Geth appeared just outside of the Citadel's mighty arms. The geth fell viciously upon the unprepared Turian defense fleet while the infiltration team slaughtered those inside the station. The fate of civilization seemed to lead to nothing but death as more Geth ships appeared. Then a voice broke the radio silence. "Warning; To the Heretics and Old Machine, your destruction has arrived."

The ships seemed to stop in midair from the shock, giving time for a fleet of quarrian ships to appear. "Alright you indoctrinating Bosh'tet, time to show you the power of Rannoch! Fire the Negative Mass Cannon!"

A volley of shells left the main guns of the Quarian ships, accelerating as they left behind a bright trail. They struck the kinetic barriers of the Reaper, and punched through with increased velocity. A second later, the shells exploded, delivering their payload of antimatter to the Reaper's mouth just as the Alliance 5th Fleet arrived.

"Just in time for the fun! You guys take care of the fish, we'll mop up the heretic Geth. I need Friend and Foe marked yesterday! Focus on the ones attacking the Destiny Ascension, we're aiming for a council seat."

-Next Day-

Shepard, Anderson, Udina, the Quarian Admirals, and a Geth Prime stood in front of the Citadel Council. "You have proven your dedication to the galactic community by saving the citadel and our lives. Rewards are in order. The Quarians have atoned for their errors, and it is time that they are restored to their embassy. And we also feel that it is time to add another seat to the citadel council. The Geth have proven themselves, and deserve to have the chance to contribute to galactic society."

"Consensus has been reached; we accept."

Udina sulked off to the side. "This is bull-"

"Oh right, humans helped too. Shepard, for your assistance, you can nominate the second human Specter."

"Ashley Williams. And can we demote Udina? I mean, even the Illusive Man would be better, and it would make him keep his facilities up to snuff at least. Or how about Admiral Tadius Ahern, the commander of Pinnacle Station? No one likes that side-quest anyway."

"…We'll take that into consideration. Now get out. We need to start immediately covering this up."

-Chapter 2.1-

Shepard slowly drifted awake and sat up on a gilded hospital bed. He heard an awed gasp and saw a pair of eyes peeking up from below the raised pedestal where his bed was laying. He looked around and quickly figured out his position as the Paesidium of the Citadel. His resting place lay at the foot of a brass statue of himself watching over a plaza where statues of all the known races stood in a circle holding hands. "I have a statue, finally!"

The following moments revealed one more important detail. His bed was also a medical pod and he was quite different than when he died. "Metal plates, blue hair, a breathing mask, gills, bioluminescence, and I think I have a redundant nervous system now. My fashion is ruined and Ashley's going to be pissed. Someone is going to have to answer for this. Namely the Illusive Man, he's supposed to make sure I wasn't changed. The first time he co-operates with aliens and it's this."

The slowly increasing hubbub spat out five leaders. The human in the center flicked his cigar and regarded the newly awakened hybrid. "It's nice to see you awake Shepard. The galaxy has spent two years mourning your loss."

"Harper, or do you want me to call you Illusive Man?"

"You know it isn't a secret anymore, not after Cerberus recovered your body and saved you the trouble of destroying the Geth Heretic station. I would rather have been behind the scenes, but after you called me out, I couldn't decline."
"And could you tell the people how it came about that I had my genes spliced?"

"You were the one who requested that we augment your body with, and I quote, "Nanomachines, Son." Since I couldn't act in secrecy as a member of the council, I had to make my plans public and push your Asari friend on the path to succeeding the Shadow Broker. The Krogan were the first to offer to aid in your recovery with their genes; and other races quickly followed suit. They were the ones who insisted that we make your proteins ambidextrous and able to breed with all species."

"Does your compliance have anything to do with the old documentaries about my grandfather Kirk?"

"… Only in part, and against my natural instinct. But we managed to compromise. Humanity isn't going to lose the pure human Shepard."

"Nooooo."

"Congratulations, Shepard. You have a belated twin sister."

"I have the feeling that getting my clone pregnant is immoral and should be unethical."

"The council declared it as a form of masturbation. Not that anyone else would be able to take advantage of that. Though with the way she's been raised with Specter Williams, it's more likely she's going to be taking advantage of you."

"You're a cruel man. Did you at least include the laser eyes I requested?"

"They were included as your second pair of eyes."

"You have no idea how much attention you've brought on me from the Hanar for having the eyes of the Enkindlers."

"We also created the plasma laser sword and robes you requested to boost your biotics."

"You drive a hard bargain. Fine, you're forgiven; but I've got my eyes on you…"

-Chapter 2.1 Done-

Yay for wacky goofy fun time! The crack is strong with this one.

Next chapter to be worked on will be Abyss/Zero Issues. Surprising amount of support for that one. After all, what is a man but his memories? A miserable little pile of secrets?