Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, and am not making money off of these stories.

That said, the world these hypothetical train-wreaks of a story take place in is AU, and anyone expecting sanity or canon should flee far away. The idea for these stories came from playing Mass Effect 3, and my realization that EA didn't lay on the Messianic overtones nearly enough [/Sarcasm]. To correct this, I have decided to make this series of barely connected stories based on a universe where Shepard gains near omniscience from using the Beacons.

Text key

"speaking" "thinking" "Reaper speaking" -Scene info-

-Chapter 3; EDI-

-Chapter 3.1; Ammo-

"Shepard, Please explain to me how a dangerous AI was unshackled on your watch." The Illusive man had called for the Commander once contact with the Normandy's computer had been severed, and was surprised to find that it was the doing of EDI.

"Well, I was busy on a mission, so you'd think the responsibility should fall on the shoulders of the XO."

"Agent Lawson was on that mission with you, and you knew that."

"Sorry, I was referring to Joker. I'd trust him in control of the ship over Miranda any day, and Cerberus chains of command were never something I payed much attention to. I locked the door to the AI core anyway, so I exercised all due caution."

"He mentioned that it was under your implied command."

"My implied command? That sure sounds like Joker. I told him to just try unplugging the thing if it was truly making him unable to work. Seems he was far more serious than I thought about that. I guess he messed up and removed the shackles."

"And why haven't you re-applied them?"

"Joker likes her better this way. They're already planning a wedding and I've been asked to be Joker's best man. EDI asked me to marry them, but I thought it would be best if Admiral Hackett did that."

"Hackett agreed to that?"

"There's actually precedent, and those were before AIs or even Vis were on ships. Apparently it's a long running tradition for the best pilots to really love their ships. Plus they plan to have a sexy robot body commissioned for her to use in more… delicate situations. Joker's already begging Mordin to help him design a pilots chair that would allow him to cuddle with EDI and fly the ship at the same time."

"So you are refraining from restraining a possibly dangerous, entirely alien, Artificial intelligence, just because your pilot has become attached? That seems far too emotionally driven, even for you."

"Joker swore to never wear pants again if I even tried."

"…Excuse me?"

"This isn't technically a military vessel, so when we were first getting settled we were trading jokes. He was praising the civilian level comfort on this cutting edge ship, and I said that I couldn't make him wear pants because this wasn't military. He turned that joke into a threat."

"I hardly see how Mister Moreau not wearing pants could deserve such a reaction."

"Have you seen his legs?"

"No. But the deformation due to his sickness should be minimal."

"No, but it's significant enough that he doesn't like to ever show off his legs. Ever. That mean his legs never get any sun. Pasty. Pale. White. And the hair is scraggly at best, so the contrast just makes it worse! It's like he wrapped his legs in used adhesive!"

"You're over-reacting, Shepard." The Illusive man extinguished his smoke and waved his hand a few times. "I'll be sending a technical specialist to limit the damage, but it's up to you to handle Mister Moreau."

"What about me?" The pilot in question limped into the communication ring with his captain. As the image formed in the Illusive man's chamber, something very startling came to light.

The man wasn't wearing pants. Shepard wasn't Lying. "White…"

"What? Oh, Mordin was adjusting the crutches in my pants, so he made me strip then pushed me in here."

The Illusive Man, No, Jack Harper stared at the monstrosity in front of him. In front of the essence of pale, he could put on no deceptions. Everything that he thought was white before was suddenly revealed to be a failed copy. Others may have merely seen them as True White, or Extreme White, he could see them for what they truly were. He was in the presence of the Essence of White.

His blessed eyes could not take the strain. In a flash of light, they turned the powers of the Protheans on themselves. For the smallest fraction of a second, they defied reality. Then, they were gone, and took with them the precious memories of all that they had seen.

Jack Harper was blind, and left without the memories of anything he had seen.

None of which was particularly important to the two men on the Normandy.

"So… Does this mean I get to keep EDI?"

"I think it does, Joker. I think it does."

-Chapter 3.1 Ammo-

"Miranda, remind me again why the entire galaxy decided to switch over to these stupid heat sinks!"

Miranda glared at the commander as she, Commander, and Garrus crouched behind a chest high wall to hide from a barrage of fire. "You already know, Shepard."

"That wasn't a test. I just need something to help keep me from hunting down the person who decided to make these standard. You can't get any of the old, efficient models anywhere!"

Mirada gave a long-suffering sigh and launched into her textbook explanation. "Heat sinks allow for faster fire-fights without having to pause for weapons to cool down-"

"Which is kind of negated by the fact that you have to waste time reloading the damn things!"

"…And they also allow for even greater muzzle velocities, since the normal safety limits of temperature can be exceeded with heat sinks."

"I had exploding rounds and a double scram rail on my rife before I died, and they didn't cause any damage and were ready to fire again without too much waiting. I mean, it's a sniping weapon, you don't exactly need to be firing it fully automatic. I would much rather have the infinite ammo than firing it slightly faster."

"This reduces the risk of heat-related weapon malfunction."

"And makes walking around the battlefield that much more dangerous. I mean, now there's little cylinders everywhere and you're liable to slip if you don't have proper footing. And what if you step on a used one? It could burn your boot! And don't get me started on how absurd it is that you can't re-use head sinks! I mean, the heat should bleed off in a few minutes, but they specifically designed them to melt into an unusable shape once their limit has been reached!"

"And they have created tens of jobs for production managers at the sub-standard facilities where they make these."

"But if they're going to make it so that my shots are limited, why couldn't they have at least switched to heavier slugs that are included with the heat sink? I mean, that seems like it would be far more deadly, and the galaxy isn't exactly hurting for resources."

Garrus added his two cents into the conversation. "That would work, but we have a confession to make. Shepard, there is a way to vent the heat from your guns without switching sinks. Each of us has one. We just didn't give one to you because we were hoping you would run out and have to rely on us more."

Shepard glowered at his two squadmates. "If I didn't know that already, I would be seriously pissed when I found out. At least, if I hadn't discovered the power of the ELBOW!" Shepard stood up from cover and blurred over to the thugs pinning them down. "ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW!"

Miranda stared at Garrus. "Is he really-?"

"Yep. He's punching those heavily armored mercs to death. With his elbow. And doing a damn fine job of it."

"ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW!"

"Should we help him?"

"…Nah. Let's just follow behind him and only do what he tells us."

"ELBOW! ELBOW! ELBOW! Aaand everyone is dead. Good work team."

"Garrus, was he like this before he died?"

"Not quite this crazy. He did tell me I needed to settle down and find a nice turian girl. He actually set me up an arranged marriage. Nice girl."

"I meant specifically the suicidal charge and melee murder."

"He didn't need to back then, never had to worry about conserving his shots. I think the change was harder for him because the alliance sold off all his fancy weapons and armor so he didn't get to keep and retrofit his favorites."

"How can a man with such knowledge get so bent out of shape over such a minor thing?"

Shepard's voice cut off their discussion. "It's not minor. I've decided; We're going to Eden Prime and we're going to dig up the Prothean there so I can take his rifle!"

Miranda groaned. Garrus just shook his head. "Shepard, I hate to burst your bubble, but you're going to have to take the Prothean with you, and we don't have room on the ship. You've already assigned Ashley Williams a spot on your bed, and Chakwas is kind of upset at sharing the Med-Bay. None of the other important crew members are willing to share their space, especially since half of them aren't meant to be living quarters at all. I mean, I sleep next to the main gun."

"Garrus, are you implying that you'd prefer to be cramped into the sleeping bunks with the rest of the NPCs? I can rescind my favoritism."

"No, no, that's fine. I'm sure he'll manage to change one of the bathrooms into a livable space."

"I'm going to have to move Samara to the hangar then, have her switch with Legion."

"I though Legion was in the AI core?"

"No, that's reserved for EDI's robot body now. She needs a place with some privacy to spend time with Joker."

"But will Samara be able to get along with Blasto? He's also down there."

"You're right, I'll have him switch with Jacob. Hangar armory was a better idea anyway."

"By the way, why can't our omni-tools make heat sinks out of omni-gel?"

Shepard and Miranda both stopped in their tracks to stare at Garrus. "Too soon, man. Too soon."

End

And yes, I'm still salty.

They had a decently viable explanation for infinite ammo, then threw it away with a stupid hand-wave to be more like the other shooters. I was just about ready to give up on ME2 until I discovered the melee. Then I discovered that with adrenalin rush, you can kill everything short of bosses without wasting a bullet. Sorry, heat sink.

Still salty though.