Hey guys! Sorry for the delay on this one. Between school and being sick the last week or so I haven't had a whole lot of time. I wish I could say that the next chapter won't take as long, but I can't promise that.
Thank you all for the reviews, it has been lovely to see them piling up They mean a ton to me and I love hearing that people are enjoying the story! I know, I'm cruel and terrible for the angst and twists, but don't worry, there's plenty of good coming tooooooooooo.
This is a bit of a longer chapter as a way of apologizing for the delay on it. The next one will probably take a little longer to put up, but it is coming I promise. Blame school, as they are terrible to me sometimes haha.
Chapter Four – You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory
Dean stood dumbfounded for a moment as he struggled to comprehend the words that Cas had spoken. He gave his head a quick shake, unsure that he had heard Cas correctly. He hoped that he had mistaken what Cas had said.
"What did you just say?"
"She has no memory of you," Cas stated again.
"What? How is that – "
"When she was in transit here from Purgatory, I intercepted her. My aim had been to redirect her to heaven so that she may enjoy the afterlife that she deserved. Unfortunately I was unable to do so. She had already been tethered back to the Earth, to her physical form, and I was not strong enough to break that hold."
"What does that have to do with her memories?" Dean asked, losing patience in Cas' lengthy explanation.
"I couldn't do as I had wished, so I did the only thing I could think to do in that moment. I could see the cracks and breaks that she was suffering; I could see the harm that had been done. It was substantial, Dean. Her soul was in pieces, and so I altered her memories to aid in mending that damage. As far as she knows, she was in heaven. I erased Purgatory and all its horrors, and to do that I had to erase you as well," Cas spoke gently, though seemingly unaware of how sharp his words had been to Dean.
"Why would you do that?" Dean seethed quietly, using every ounce of restraint he could muster.
"You were right when you said that the Slayer did not belong in Purgatory. I may not have been able to help her there, and I could not prevent her from returning to the mortal world, but I was not prepared for her to suffer the horrors and agonies of that wicked world. I was able to at least fabricate memories of a good afterlife for her."
Dean felt like the rug had been pulled out from under his feet. His vision darkened and he felt the bile-like anger rising from his gut. Anger was the only response he could muster to cover the impending feeling of heartache and despair. Memories flashed through his head each with the sharpness of a nail driven through his flesh. The sound of her laugh. The way she had hugged him when they found the river. The way her nose crinkled in her sleep. How soft her skin felt as he wrapped her wound. The awe he felt watching her fight. The way his heart soared when she finally shared her name, right before it lurched into his throat as she shoved him through the portal. The loneliness that ripped through him as he watched the exit close between them, separating them for what he thought would be forever. So many thoughts passed through his mind, finally landing on what Cas had just revealed.
Here she was, maybe thirty feet away from him, and he was being told that she had no idea who he was anymore. Everything they had built was gone, just like that. She had become so much more than just his survival partner, and now it didn't mean a damn thing. As far as she would know, there was no history between them. He never dove into a pit of quicksand to save her. They never found a kindred spirit in one another. She never got him through the exit. As far as she knew, they hadn't spent a lifetime fighting for survival together. All he was now, was some hunter that had shown up in her town. Everything they worked for, everything they were, everything they could be…all vanished in front of Dean's eyes, all because of the simple words that Cas had uttered.
It did nothing to change his resolve. He still wanted to talk to her. He needed to. Even if she had no idea who he was, he needed to do this. Dean had been waiting for the moment he would talk to her again ever since he lost her in Purgatory. He couldn't walk away now, not after everything. It may not be exactly what he expected, but it was still all he wanted.
"Well thanks for the heads up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have someone to talk to."
"Dean, be careful. Do not undo the work I've done. She deserves more than that, don't you agree?"
Dean wrestled with himself. On the one hand, he wanted nothing more than for her to remember him. To finally know each other in the real world. Everything they had been through had changed him so much, and he wanted to share in that. Purgatory may have been awful, but Buffy made it bearable. How was he going to handle having all these memories, and no one to share them with? How was he supposed to know all about her, but pretend he didn't? How could he live his life, knowing what he had lost simply by her not having those memories? There was so much history between them, and all he wanted was to pick up where they left off. Thinking about what relationship they could have in the real world was one of the driving forces behind his pursuit for the exit. This was Buffy, man.
On the other hand, he had been right. Cas was right, too. She didn't deserve to end up in Purgatory. There had been a time where he had suspected that maybe she did, but that thought was long dead and buried. It didn't matter what wrong calls she had made, Buffy was one of the good guys in every sense of the word. The Slayer was the protector of the people, she was still one of the best, purest, and most caring people he had ever met, and if anyone deserved heaven it was her. She may not have actually been there, but she could at least live in a world where she thought she had. Where she knew that she had gotten the reward she had earned through her lifetime of servitude. She wouldn't have to wake up in a cold sweat, afraid to find herself back in Purgatory, like he was. She wouldn't have to remember all the horrid things they saw. She wouldn't be scarred like he was. She wouldn't suffer. Her life could be a little lighter this way, and she could leave some of the darkness behind. Didn't she deserve that?
"I just wanna talk to her, Cas. I need to hear from her that she is okay. Then we'll go," Dean's voice quieted down, "I need this. Please."
Cas sighed, "if you must, Dean, but do so quickly."
Cas was gone as quickly as he had appeared, leaving Dean alone once more. His confidence laid in ruins and any thoughts he'd had for approaching her were shaken. He cast his gaze back to the blonde who was now sitting with her head in her hands, staring out into the night with a thousand yard stare. Her exhaustion was obvious, and it was troubling to see her in such a state. He had hoped like hell that the next time he saw her it would be better than Purgatory. Sure this was better, but she looked just as downtrodden as she had been before. The pang in his heart gave him some of his motivation back. No matter what, he had to do this. Even if she had no idea who he was, he had to talk to her. He owed himself at least that much. Dean wouldn't go far enough to think that he deserved this moment, but he sure as hell needed it. Taking another deep breath, Dean walked over to the blonde.
Her head snapped up to see him, "hello?" Her small voice called towards him.
Her voice was exactly what he remembered, and he felt shivers move up his spine as she looked at him. He had known he missed her, but he didn't realize just how much until right this moment, when she was within arms-reach. It took most of his strength to hold himself back from running towards her and pulling her into his arms. It was something he had wanted to do in Purgatory more than once, but had always held back. He had to hold back again now, and it killed him. This was never supposed to be a moment of holding back. Her eyes roamed over him assessing what kind of threat he could be, trying to suss out who or what he was. Her gaze was disabling as he closed in on her, scrambling any thoughts he'd had in his head.
"Uh, hi there," panic settled in. Why hadn't he thought of a cover story for what he was doing in her backyard!? He had plenty of time, and all he had to show for it was some now incredibly weak knees and a blank mind. "Smooth move, Winchester."
She was standing now, obviously going on high alert, "Not to be rude or anything, but, whatcha doin' in my yard?"
"Oh! Ya, this must look weird. I uh, was just in the neighborhood and…" Dean rolled his eyes. This was not going well. "Screw it. I'm a hunter. Your town was overrun with demons and I was just making sure the area was cleared. Seems like most of them have bailed by now."
The shock on Buffy's face was easy for Dean to pick up on, but she kept herself well composed. "Oh. Uh, thank you?"
Dean shrugged, "we heard the town was left unprotected. Now that you're back, we'll be on our way. The demon's hightailed it pretty quick when they saw the Slayer back in action."
"Wait, what did you say?"
"Shit," Dean thought to himself. He wasn't supposed to know she was the Slayer, and he certainly wasn't supposed to know she had been gone. He was hoping she would buy the lie he was about to spit out, especially since it wasn't likely to be a very good one. "What, you don't think hunters know about the Slayer?"
"The one's I've met certainly didn't," Buffy crossed her arms skeptically. "Wait. I've seen you before…"
Concern washed over Dean. He was afraid that even just seeing him was enough to break the memories that Cas had built for her. Maybe Cas was right, he shouldn't have come here at all. It was stupid and it was selfish, and how could he have risked compromising –
His thoughts were cut off by the blonde continuing to speak.
"Last night. You stepped in when the biker gang tore apart, uh…"
"The robot? Ya, that was me. And my brother."
"You helped me. Thank you." She seemed to relax once she got a better sense of who he was.
"Don't mention it, just doin' our job. Also, robots? This town really does have everything, huh?"
"You have no idea," Buffy chuckled.
"Gonna tell me what the robot was about?"
"Uh, how it came to be? Definitely not," she cringed.
Buffy gave a slight shudder which did nothing but pique Dean's interest, but it was obvious that she wasn't going to share that story. Maybe one day he'd drag it out of her, but right now that was asking a lot. For the time being he would just be happy that she was willing to speak to him at all.
Buffy continued, "we probably should have destroyed it. We almost did actually, but it's proven useful more than once. She was holding my place while I was gone so that the demon world would think Sunnydale was still protected."
"It worked for a while, I guess. What changed?"
Buffy shrugged, "not a clue."
"Did you build that thing?"
"No, someone paid a nerd to make her just like me," Buffy took note of the grimace on Dean's face, "ya, the hellmouth really brings out the creeps and crazies."
"Well it's a good thing it's got its own prison guard."
Buffy smirked as a small silence hung between them. Dean could feel that she was sizing him up again, and he was grateful to take the opportunity to get a better look at her. It was the first time he had seen her without the layers of grime and blood on her, and it was an image that he wanted to take with him when he had to walk away from her. She may be on guard still, but it was nothing like in Purgatory. This was a new image of Buffy, and it felt really good to see it.
"I'm Buffy," she smiled, reaching her hand out towards him.
Dean grasped her hand, revelling in how soft her skin was, how gentle her grip was. "Dean. Uh, Winchester."
"Nice to meet ya, Dean. Now again, I don't mean to be rude, but uh…hunters? Not so much allowed in this town. Thanks for your help and all, but I'd appreciate it if you guys bailed too. Hunters and me aren't really mixy-mixy."
"Fair enough," he chuckled, "don't wanna step on the Slayer's toes."
Her smiled widened a touch more, "thanks. I appreciate you not makin' a big deal of it."
"Hey uh, you good? Like you're okay?" He hadn't come all this way to check on her, and not ask that question.
"Yeah, I'm good."
The tone of her response was so perfectly Buffy. It was a joy to hear. Even if it wasn't one hundred percent sincere. He knew her voice well enough by now to pick up on half-truths and fibs, but he figured there was no reason to call her on it. It was mostly true, of that he could tell. Something was gnawing at her, but she was alive. She was alive and whole, and Buffy. She was good.
Buffy was secretly glad that the man she was talking to hadn't picked up on the fact that she was lying. No more than an hour earlier she had beheaded some demon that had tried to send her back to where she had come from. Tried to rip her away from her friends. From Dawn. Adjusting to being home again was hard, but that didn't mean she wanted to be pulled away from her sister so soon. Whoever this Dean was, he wasn't much with the observation, and that was good for her.
She had a hard time believing that he was a hunter though. Buffy had met a handful on the hellmouth over the years, and he was nothing like them. Sid had been a disgusting pig and Cain had been a chauvinistic prick. So far this hunter seemed to have neither of these qualities. He also appeared to be considerably younger than the hunters she had found so far. Substantially better looking too. As much as Buffy would have liked to say otherwise, she was fairly certain that his incredible looks were the reason she was even willing to be talking with him right now.
Dean dug through his pocket and grabbed a scrap of paper so that he could write his number down. He scribbled it quickly, hoping that she would be able to read his chicken scratch. It was a bold move that Dean was about to make, but if he couldn't have Buffy the way he had wanted to, then he could at least keep contact with her. Especially if she ever ended up remembering who he was.
"Now don't take this the wrong way," Dean smirked, "but this is my number."
Buffy took it from him, eyes scanning the digits briefly before looking back up to Dean, "uh, what for?"
"In case the gangs come back and you want a hand. Or in case you aren't up for a battle when one finds you. Or if something comes up that throws you for a loop. For anything really."
Buffy regarded the note for a minute before fully accepting it. "Thanks, Dean."
"Call anytime, okay? Really. Now I'll get the hell out of your town," he said with a wink.
Buffy laughed and gave an appreciative nod. The sound struck him right to his core. The laugh that had plagued him for the last month no longer sounded so haunting. It was a sound he thought he'd never hear again. Now that he had, he found a tingle in his heart that he could barely recognize, as though it had restarted a muscle that had been long dormant. Her laugh was perfect.
In a moment of weakness he thought about trying to trigger her memories, trying to bring his face forward from behind whatever wall Cas had built. It was a selfish thought, and Dean quickly banished it back to the depths of his brain that it came from. He would never forgive himself if she suffered because he was careless and rash. Instead he found himself studying every inch of Buffy once more. Her face, her eyes, her lips, the way her hair bounced, her form, her voice, her laugh. He memorized it all before he walked away. Dean refused to let this be the last time he saw her, but he knew that seeing her while he was plagued with all these memories would be too hard. He would see her again, but not too terribly soon. He needed some time to cope and she needed some time to readjust. Timing was everything, and although hunters and Slayers didn't have a whole lot of it, some time needed to pass between them. For both of their sakes.
Every time he had thought about her since he had been back plenty of different memories had scrolled through his head. It didn't matter what memories he went through, it always landed on the same one. It always ended with her face just before she shoved him through the portal. It was such a mix of pain and regret that had filled her wide eyes that it was hard to forget. It was one of the images that woke him in the dead of the night, and never failed to strike right at his heartstrings. All he wanted to do now was replace it so that it could stop plaguing him. He wanted his memories to land on her smiling face just as it was now.
It was hard for Dean to walk away, but he knew he had to. There was too much he wanted to say, too much he wanted to do. Part of him feared that if he left now, she would prove to be nothing more than a figment of his imagination. Or worse, he would wake up and this would have all been a dream. He couldn't handle that, if that was the case, but if he didn't walk away now he may never leave. Remaining here was sure to cause more damage to the both of them, and that was something he couldn't let himself be responsible for. He couldn't stay here, so he had to go. There was no other option.
"Dean?" The sweet voice called after him.
He stopped, unsure if he should turn around or just keep walking. He could walk away, make a clean break. That would have been the smart move, and he knew that Cas would have wanted him to keep walking. His want to see her again won out over his instinct of self-preservation. He turned around to face her, her green eyes shining through the shadows while the moonlight highlighted her hair. It was the first time he was seeing her in this sort of light. Purgatory's night lighting was much drearier. How is it possible that someone could look this beautiful even in the dark?
"Maybe one hunter can be allowed into Sunnydale," she said with a smirk.
Dean returned the smirk and continued his walk out of the yard.
Buffy watched the man walk away until she couldn't see him anymore. Alone once again in her yard she looked back to the number he had scrawled across the scrap of paper. She couldn't explain it, but there was something about him that struck her in an odd way. She could trust him, and she didn't know why. It was just a gut feeling that she got, a vibe off of him that put her at ease. Hunters and her didn't mix, but this one was different. He didn't come across brash, and he didn't treat her like she couldn't handle her own town. This hunter had saved her town when she had been incapable of doing so, and took it in stride when she asked him to leave. His rugged good looks certainly didn't hurt his case, either, as she had noted when he first gave the scrap of paper to her. Any urge to throw the number away seemed to dwindle down to nothing, and she found herself planning where to stash it so she wouldn't lose it. Something told her that Dean Winchester's number was a good thing to have.
Dean headed back to the car slowly with his hands buried deep in his pockets. His thoughts were still racing from the conversation he had just had. It was nothing like he had dreamed of since he had been home. He had expected fireworks, he had expected a warm reception. Never in a million years would he have expected that she wouldn't know who he was. It was a warmer reception than their first encounter, but he still couldn't help but feel let down. Dean silently berated himself for feeling that way almost immediately. He just got to see Buffy, to talk to her, how could he be feeling anything but bliss? The mix of emotions was enough to give him a headache.
Just before reaching the Impala, Cas showed up in front of him.
"What do you want?" He was in no mood to deal with Cas right now.
"Dean, I'm sorry. You know it was for the best," a tone of sympathy was in Cas' voice, one that Dean was not used to hearing.
"Do I? Look, I know you're just checking in on me. I didn't ruin your work, so you can stop worrying," Dean pulled his hands out of his pocket.
"Good. I know this must be hard for you."
"You don't know anything!" Dean hollered. He recomposed himself and added, "did you know that her witch friend was going to pull her back?"
Cas nodded, "I did. This is why I was not concerned with her being left behind in Purgatory. The witch's plans were loud and clear, and it was well known she would succeed. I told you there were plans in motion."
"And it's really her, right? She's Buffy and not some zombie knock-off?"
"She is proper, Dean. Minus her altered memories, she is exactly who she was before Purgatory."
A sigh of relief escaped Dean's lips. The only thing worse than this all being a dream would be if Buffy had come back tainted or wrong. This was Buffy. This was his Buffy, just as she had been before she died. Now another fear needed to be addressed.
"Is she, the witch, is she dangerous?"
"I know of your feelings towards witches. I assure you that Ms. Rosenberg poses no threat. Her path is a formidable one, just as the Slayer's is," Cas assured him. "She is one you can trust."
"Can the same be said for you?" Dean's annoyance with the angel was becoming overpowering. He gave his head a slight shake before continuing to speak, "was that why you didn't want us coming here? So I wouldn't mess up whatever memories you built for her?"
Cas hesitated before answering Dean's question, "that was part of it. I was afraid that if you arrived before the ritual was complete that you would prevent the Slayer from returning."
"Because a witch was doing it?"
Cas nodded, "regardless of how she came back, the Slayer is meant to walk this Earth again. It was part of why I could not halt her return and deliver her to heaven. The safety of the world depends on her being alive, and I could not allow you to interfere in that. I knew that if you had discovered the plan to be the work of a witch, you would have impeded her progress."
Dean hated to admit it, but Cas was right. As much as he had wanted Buffy back, as badly as the world needed her, as much as he needed her, he would have never allowed her to be brought back by witchcraft. This new information did nothing to quell his anger though. Cas should have told him that she was coming back.
"Wait, safety of the world? What does that mean?"
It was too late. Again, Cas was gone as soon as he had appeared. Man he had to stop doing that. Shaking his head he climbed into the car, dreading facing Sam's questions. Dean was grateful to find Sam sleeping in the seat. Dean had had enough difficult conversations for the day, and one more was less than appealing.
ӁӁӁ
Sam couldn't believe what Dean had told him when they had stopped for the night. He hadn't realized how big of a puzzle piece the Slayer was going to be, and how much would fall into place after discovering that. His head had been swimming since Dean admitted to meeting the Slayer in Purgatory, but to learn that she was pulled out by a witch was a lot to deal with. They had met a lot of witches in their time, but most of them were into hex bags and curses. He had never heard of one who had risked themselves to save someone else. A witch with the kind of power to bring someone back from the dead had to have some serious juice, unlike any they had met before. That thought alone was terrifying. The fact that Dean hadn't insisted on taking her down was the most surprising part of that story. If he didn't know better, he'd think that Dean was starting to understand that there were shades of grey in this world. It was more likely that there was something else at play here, some connection that Sam hadn't found yet.
If that wasn't enough, Cas had known about all this too. He had made it so that this Buffy had no idea she had landed in Purgatory. Sam couldn't help but feel a level of anger as Dean relayed that information. If Cas could have done that for this girl, why couldn't he have done that for his brother? After everything they had done for Cas, after everything they had been through together, Sam figured that Cas would want to help Dean too. Dean didn't deserve those memories any more than the Slayer did. Hunters were just as good as the Slayer, and they made the active choice to protect people. So why couldn't Dean have been granted the same mercy?
Dean hadn't opened up about Purgatory, hadn't shared any grisly stories, but he knew they were there. He had seen Dean suffering since they were reunited. He woke up in cold sweats, he had nightmares, and he was always watching the shadows, never letting his guard down for a second. Dean didn't think he'd noticed, but Sam saw the way he had been barricading the doors at night when he thought Sam had fallen asleep. There was nothing Sam could do to lessen the load, and he hated it. Dean had done so much for him over the years, and he felt like he was unable to ever compare, to ever pay his brother back.
Thinking back to those nights, Sam remembered all the times he had woken up and found Dean attached to the laptop screen. When Dean had told Sam that he'd had every intention of pulling Buffy out of Purgatory, with or without Cas' help, it all made sense. All his late night research was in hopes of finding a way to get her out. He worked tirelessly to find a way to save this girl. A feeling of guilt came over him. If he had been more persistent he could have found out about this sooner. He could have done more. He could have helped. Sam didn't know much about the Slayer, but he knew that it was because of her that Dean made it out of Purgatory. That was enough for him, and as far as he was concerned he owed Buffy a lifetime worth of debts, ones that he could never repay. It was because of her that he had his brother back, and Sam would be forever grateful to her for that.
There was one more sizeable hole in the big picture that was nagging at Sam. It was something much more personal, and it left Sam at a loss for an explanation. There had been something in Dean's eyes while he talked about Buffy that struck Sam. He hadn't seen that look since they walked away from Lisa and Ben at the hospital. A pain, or a longing maybe? Whatever it was, it was enough to cause his brother to shut down again. The drive away from Sunnydale had been in silence, and his brother hadn't said a word since stopping at the motel for the night. Dean looked as though he was mourning a loss, but a loss of what Sam couldn't quite figure out. There was more to this story, of that he was sure, but tonight was not the night to pry. It was obvious that Dean needed some time.
ӁӁӁ
Buffy cut Spike off, her voice clear and firm, "I was happy."
Spike looked at her, a mix of confusion and sadness crossing his face. She continued, not looking at him once.
"Wherever I was…I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time, didn't mean anything. Nothing had form, but I was still me, you know? And I was warm. And I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or any of it, really - but I think I was in heaven," she swallowed hard, "and now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out…by my friends. Everything here is hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch…this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ...knowing what I've lost…"
Spike had listened intently. Each admission hitting him like a slap. He didn't know of Willow's plan, but he felt partly responsible. Like he should have known. Like he should have done something. Knowing she was suffering was more than he could bear.
Buffy rose from her seated position and walked towards the edge of the shadow. Just before she crossed into the sun she paused.
Without looking back she stated, "They can never know. Never."
And with that she was gone, leaving Spike in a wake of despair and confusion.