Chapter Eleven – Private Hell

"Buffy?" Willow's voice called from the kitchen.

"Yeah, it's me Will!" Buffy replied, kicking her shoes off at the front door.

Buffy knew that staying out all night without so much as a phone call would mean she'd catch hell when she finally did return home. Despite that, she had hoped that she may get to the reprieve of her shower before the lecture started. At least it was just Willow, and not Dawn, that had greeted her so far. Dawn was likely to be the angry one, whereas Willow would just be glad that she was okay. Buffy supposed that it came from the extra years that Willow had on Dawn, more years spent knowing the Slayer would be out late. It certainly wasn't the family connection that drove Dawn to be more vocal about her worry, as Willow was just as much her sister as Dawn.

"Where were you!?" A shrill voice yelled.

Damnit.

Buffy walked back towards the kitchen to find Willow sitting at the kitchen island, and Dawn standing with her arms crossed. Willow cast an apologetic glance towards Buffy, knowing full well the wrath that the small brunette was about to unleash.

"Dawn, I'm sorry. I got caught up with a patrol," Buffy spoke with a light tone, hoping to diffuse the fight that was likely to start.

"Buffy, there's blood on you. Are you okay?" Willow said, taking note of the mix of blood on her clothes.

Buffy looked down at the stains, "yeah, I'm good. A little gash on my knee, nothing to worry about."

Willow smiled in relief, "good. Did you get whatever it was?"

"Yup. Demon is history."

"You could have called!" Dawn interjected.

"I know, I should have. It was dangerous, and I didn't want to lose the trail. There just wasn't time," Buffy said apologetically.

"I called your cellphone like, fifty times. Was it even on?"

"You know it was," Buffy tried to reason, "I was stuck down in the sewers. It's not like they have their own service tower down there."

"Whatever, I'm going to school," Dawn rolled her eyes before grabbing her backpack off the chair and storming out of the room.

Buffy shifted her gaze to Willow who was looking at her with sympathy. Both women flinched as the front door slammed.

"She'll be okay, Buffy. She just worries about you, you know that," Willow reassured.

"I know. I just hate when she's mad at me..."

Willow gave Buffy a playful accusatory look, "I wasn't going to say this while Dawn was here, no reason to add more fuel to the fire…"

Buffy was confused, "say what?"

"You smell like boy!" Willow grinned slyly.

"No I don't!" Buffy could only hope she wasn't blushing.

Willow continued to stare at her, a grin on her face. Damnit again.

Buffy slumped with defeat, "okay, yes I do."

"What boy? Boy I know? Boy to have the lusty wrong feelings about?"

Buffy wasn't ready to share about Dean yet. As much as she'd love to gush about the hot-as-all-hell hunter that she found herself enamoured with. As much as she wanted to talk about how great of a kisser he was, and wanted to share in the joy he had helped her find…she couldn't. Not yet, anyways. Buffy had always planned to tell her friends about the two brothers who helped clear Sunnydale after she was brought back from the dead. The longer she kept it a secret, however, the harder it became to share. It felt like it was almost too late now, but she didn't want to lie to Willow, either.

"No, not a boy you know." Buffy paused, "but definitely with the lusty wrong feelings," she added with a grin.

"Do I get to know anything else?"

Here was the perfect opportunity to tell the truth, at least with Willow. Willow was the one person that she felt wouldn't turn all judgey like the rest. She was the one person that Buffy felt like she could be totally honest with about this. Was she ready to explain how long she had known this guy? Was she really ready to give up the one thing that was only hers?

Buffy thought a moment, "not yet. Is that okay?"

Willow looked disappointed, but nodded anyways. "I get it, not ready to share the mystery guy."

"Well considering my track record…"

Willow giggled, "totally fair." A serious tone took over her voice, "so were you on patrol at all?"

Buffy nodded, "yes, I promise. He came into town tracking a demon and needed help."

"He fights demons?"

"He's a hunter. A good one. Not a chauvinistic jerk."

"Good. Last thing we need around here is another Cain," Willow said, scornfully. "What kinda demon?"

"Uh...Suvolte? Something like that."

Willow pulled a face, "a big nasty."

"You've heard of 'em?"

Willow nodded, "I've seen bits about them in books over the years. They're brutal and vicious. I'm glad you're okay."

Buffy nodded in agreement, "me too. Hey Will, I think I'm gonna pop through the shower. I've been at work, followed by some sewers, followed by demon blood. I know you can smell boy on me, but all I smell is icky."

"Sure, okay. I'm off to classes soon anyways, so the house will be quiet if you wanna get some sleep," Willow smiled.

Buffy turned to leave the kitchen, eager to get the uniform off and to feel the hot water as it spilled over her skin. A hot shower could undo all the badness of the last twelve or so hours. It would give her the chance to relish in the goodness that had happened, too. Buffy was more than happy to get to bed shortly thereafter. Nothing like pulling a double shift at the DoubleMeat Palace before spending all night on a demon chase to make a girl tired.

"Buffy?"

She stopped and turned to face her best friend again, "Hm?"

"At least tell me this, is he a hottie?"

Buffy smiled widely, "I'm pretty sure he could melt fire."

Willow, now alone in the kitchen smiled to herself. It had been a long time since Buffy had a boy. Her track record wasn't stellar, but Willow would always remain hopeful. Slayer or not, she was sure that there was someone out there for her best friend. Someone who wouldn't go off the deep end and try to murder her friends. Someone who wouldn't use her as a one night stand. Someone who wouldn't bail when things ended up being less than perfect. Someone who could keep up with her in the slaying world that she wouldn't have to protect. Someone who would finally see her for how truly wonderful and amazing she was. Someone that could see beyond the crazy supernatural world and see just Buffy. Maybe this mysterious hot hunter-boy would finally be this person.

"A hottie for Buffy," Willow mused to herself, sipping on her tea.

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There was something so soothing about a hot steamy shower after a long night, and it seemed that no matter how terrible Buffy felt before, it was always washed away. She had heard the front door close, which meant that Willow had gone to class, and Buffy had the house to herself. It was a rare moment of peace, and one that she was not willing to waste. It seemed like this house was always bustling with people, and for once it was quiet.

As the hot water ran through her hair, Buffy forgot all about the smell from the DoubleMeat Palace. The pain in her knee was quickly relaxed, and soon the less than pleasant images from the hunt were spiraling down the drain along with the blood and dirt that had coated her skin. Soon all that remained of the previous night were the thoughts of Dean.

After months of phone calls and wishing that she could see him it finally happened. Buffy finally got to see him again, spend time with him, touch him. She got to make sure he was real, like really real. That night when he had first come into her backyard, Buffy had been unsure of him, and if she was being honest, she had been afraid. She didn't know who this man was, and how he had found her. She didn't know why he was there and what his intentions were. After just facing down a demon that had tried to drag her back to the afterlife, Buffy had been feeling rather skittish. After getting to know him, after seeing how amazing he was, she wanted another chance at a 'first' meeting.

Of course this would only come to her by way of a demon hunt. That was her life, wasn't it? Though she supposed that she should be grateful for that fact. If this wasn't her life, she probably would have never met Dean. He wouldn't have shown up at her work, either. It may not have been the visit she had been wishing for, but damnit was it ever worth it.

Buffy couldn't remember the last time she felt as at ease as she did right now. Dean did that. That visit with Dean did more to help her heal than any amount of talking on the phone ever could, and vastly more than any amount of drinking could do. Buffy practically shuddered as she thought about the sheer number of bottles and flasks that she had finished with Spike over the last couple of months. That was something that never made it into the phone calls with Dean; she was more ashamed of those nights than she could even convey. If she hadn't been so wrapped up with the liquid comfort, she may have noticed that Willow was drowning. Dawn wouldn't have been left alone so many nights, prompting her overreaction about Buffy being out all night long. Buffy drank because she couldn't cope with the pain that was bottling up in her system. She drank because she had felt like Spike was the only one reaching out to her. She drank because what else could she do?

That ended now. She was grateful for her friendship with Spike, but it wasn't helping anything. Her friendship with Dean was what was really helping her; she saw that now. There was no respite to be found at the bottom of a flask; no healing could come from wallowing in the darkness. Her relief was coming from Dean, coming from the strength that he was helping her to find again. He didn't push her to be "okay." He didn't treat her like glass. He didn't expect her to handle everything perfectly. He was just there. He listened. He understood. Dean helped Buffy find that human part of her again. She had crawled out of the grave months ago, but it finally felt like she was alive again. It was time to be Buffy again.

The shower off now, Buffy cozied into a set of plush pajamas and snuggled into bed. Just outside of her window she could hear birds chirping and the sounds of people beginning their day. The sun streamed through her curtains, but that never bothered her. Unusual sleep patterns were nothing new by now, and after everything sinking into bed was just what she needed. Buffy's gaze shifted towards her nightstand where Mr. Gordo was sitting, ever vigilant. Perhaps she was too old for stuffies, and perhaps as a Slayer she should have outgrown him long ago, but she loved her stuffed pig. It was that little piece of her childhood that she could hold onto, even if she wasn't entirely sure when or from whom she had acquired it. Underneath Mr. Gordo was that novel, One Hundred Years of Something-Or-Other, the one that she swore she'd finish one day. She grinned as she could see the small slip of paper that was home to Dean's phone number. A warm feeling started in her heart as she thought about when he had given it to her. The sly look in his eyes, the tone of his voice. Buffy couldn't believe that the thought of throwing it out had ever existed.

Her phone was resting on her nightstand as well, a soft light blinking letting her know that it was charging. She reached out for it, checking to see if she had missed anything while in the shower. Dean had been gone no more than a couple of hours, it was unlikely that he had called already, but she had to look. Even though it was logical that there would be no missed calls from Dean, she was still dismayed to see the empty phone. The idea of calling him played through her head, but she dismissed it quickly. He had just left, after all. What kind of crazy chick calls that soon? Buffy would just wait for Dean to call like he said he would. He would call, of that she was sure. After everything, there was no way he would shrug her off now, right? Any doubt that may have existed in Buffy's mind was erased with the image of Dean's face as she walked away. She could feel her heart splitting in that moment, but she could see that same feeling in his eyes. Buffy pulled her phone towards her, tucking it under her pillow so that, if he did call that day, she wouldn't miss it.

Buffy drifted into sleep effortlessly, a content smile playing at her lips. She slept heavily that day, and for the first time in a long while, her sleep was also restful. It was not plagued by nightmares of her coffin, or of being dragged back to the dead, or even the fall through that portal. There was no twisted forest that she couldn't recognize, and there were no disturbing demons to yank her out of sleep. There was just Dean and those beautiful green eyes.

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There was nothing they could do to fix this. Buffy the vampire Slayer couldn't do anything, Buffy the bridesmaid couldn't do anything, even just plain old Buffy Summers couldn't do anything.

She had never felt more useless.

"They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train," Buffy wept.

If these two couldn't make it work in this crazy world, then what chance did she stand? These were two people who were perfect for each other. Two people who just fit together. Guess love on the hellmouth really was doomed.

"Why did this happen?" Dawn asked.

"I don't know," Willow answered the small brunette. "I feel like I should be hating Xander. But I can't. I just...I just hope he's okay."

"I wonder where he is," Dawn added wistfully.

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"Good morning?" Dean answered the phone groggily, rubbing his eyes absentmindedly.

"Hi Dean…" her voice cracked under the strain, hoarse from crying.

He sat up abruptly, "Buffy? What's wrong?"

'What if I'm still there? What if I never left that clinic?'

"Rough night," Buffy knew that was a massive understatement, "I didn't know what else to do, so I called you..."

"What happened? Are you okay?"

Buffy remained silent a moment, "I woke you up, didn't I?"

Dean shook his head, "doesn't matter. Talk to me, you're startin' to scare me Buff."

He had never heard this tone of voice come from her. There was more defeat and despair in her voice than he had ever wanted to hear from her. There was a pit forming in his stomach as he waited for her to respond, and she sounded further away now than she ever had.

'Your sister, your friends, all of those people you created in Sunnydale, they aren't as comforting as they once were. Are they? They're coming apart.'

Buffy sighed, "coming down off of hallucinations thanks to a nasty demon attack. I guess I'm still trying to regain my footing."

"Djinn?" That Dean understood better than anybody.

"No, a gargle-something or other."

"What happened?"

Buffy thought back over what had happened the last couple of days. That demon had made a mess of her mind, and it was already pretty messy to begin with. Before she was simply struggling to separate herself from the mess of coming back from the dead, whereas now the lines were blurred between reality and that institution. Everything had been so real, so convincing, that nothing anyone had said could change her state. The antidote had worked in the end, and she knew where she was now, but she couldn't help but wonder. What if she actually was in that institution still? What if the demon had shown her the truth, and not a false world? What if none of this was real?

'Cause what's more real? A sick girl in an institution? Or some kind of super girl, chosen to fight demons and save the world. That's ridiculous.'

She supposed it didn't matter, she had made her choice. No matter what the truth was, Buffy had turned her back on that other world and chosen this world instead. She had chosen her friends. Sure it was after she tried to kill them, but she did choose them in the end. Even if this wasn't the real world, all she cared about was here. She loved her friends more than anything else. The idea of not being the Slayer anymore was alluring, but it meant turning her back on the life she had built here. Having her Mother and her Father meant not having Dawn. It had been a struggle, but she had made her choice. Buffy didn't regret it for a second. She couldn't ever regret it.

She had chosen Willow. Dawn. Xander. Giles. Dean. She had chosen them. No matter what, she always would.

'It's not going to be easy, Buffy. You have to take it one step at a time. You have to start ridding your mind of those things that support your hallucination. You understand? There are things in that world you cling to. For your delusion they're safe holds, but for your mind, they're traps. We have to break those down.'

Still didn't mean she could talk about it. How could she ever explain what had happened? How could she describe how lost she had felt to someone who hadn't experienced it? Trying to explain why it had felt so real would be impossible. She wasn't even sure what words to use to try to make sense of it all. Buffy had called because she needed to hear Dean's voice, but now that she had she wasn't sure what to say. Maybe she didn't have to say anything.

Buffy sighed, "I guess I just wanted to check in with you. Hear your voice. Prove you were real. I dunno. I-I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry for waking you." Buffy pulled away to hang up the phone until she heard Dean's voice.

"Wait! Don't hang up," Dean paused, "you still there?"

"Mhm," Buffy nodded.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief, "good. You don't wanna talk about it, fine. We can talk about something else."

"I don't even know how to explain any of it," Buffy bit back a sob.

"You don't have to, Buffy. I just want you to be okay," Dean soothed.

"No one understands. What if you don't either?" Her voice was small and distant.

"I'll listen anyways. Or we can talk about something else. Whatever you want, Buffy, just let me help."

She had told Willow the truth, and it hadn't changed the way her best friend regarded her. So far nothing about her life had managed to scare Dean. There was nothing stopping her from sharing other than her own shame and insecurities.

"This demon, it-it poisoned me. Made me think things that aren't true. At least I don't think they were true…" Buffy took a deep breath, "it made it seem as though this world wasn't real, that it was just in my head."

"I've had to come back from living in a Djinn's world, I know what it's like to doubt what's real," Dean offered, hoping to put her at ease.

"It tried to trap me in the other world, the one where I was sick, where I wasn't the Slayer. When I was first called as the Slayer, I was scared Dean, so scared," her voice began to tremble. "I spent some time in a mental hospital, and it tried to make me think I was still there."

Flashes of attacking her friends came back into Buffy's head. God, how could she have ever done that to them? How could she have ever thought she created them in her head? She was ashamed that she had attacked them, and it made her heart ache. They had forgiven her, without hesitation. No matter what world was real, that right there was enough to tell Buffy she had made the right decision in choosing this reality. Her friends loved her, unconditionally.

"The other world told me that it was my friends that held me here, in the hallucination," she continued. "I had to break down what trapped me…"

"Are they okay?" Dean had remained quiet to allow her to speak, but now he had to cut in.

Buffy nodded, "they are. God, I could have killed them."

"We're real, Buffy. I'm real. That other world, it's – "

Buffy interjected, "I know. I know. It's just…it was convincing. It doesn't matter though, what's real and what isn't. I made my choice."

"You chose your friends."

"I chose them. And you," Buffy affirmed. "I guess that's why I called. Hearing your voice kinda…anchors me."

Dean smiled sleepily through the phone. She chose this world and he was part of that decision. She chose him. A silence fell between the two of them while Buffy let the weight of her words sit on Dean. Dean couldn't find words to express his thoughts, but let the warmth of hers spread across him.

Finally Buffy broke the silence.

"You didn't call," Buffy spoke solidly, but her voice still had a mournful tone to it.

Dean squeezed his eyes closed. He knew he hadn't called her. He had been so set on calling her to prove that he would. It wasn't that he didn't want to call her, he just hadn't had the chance yet. Garth had sent them on another case immediately, and cases had been piling up ever since. After a while he was just so embarrassed and ashamed that he hadn't called that it had gotten much too hard to do so. The guilt that he felt for failing to call was overwhelming. Dean hoped that she wasn't hurt that he hadn't. He had already decided that she had seen enough hurt to last a lifetime, and he didn't want to be added to that list.

"I didn't. God I'm so sorry, Buffy. I wanted to – "

"Lemme guess, a case came up?"

"I know it's a shitty excuse, but ya. Sam and I have been on the go almost non-stop since we left Sunnydale," Dean grimaced.

"It's okay, Dean. I get it. Really," Buffy forced a smile.

Dean could feel the forced smile through the phone, but he did feel like she was being honest.

"Slayer, remember?" She added on. "Why so many cases? Something big going down?"

Dean shook his head, "I don't think so. Our numbers have been cut over the years, so there's less of us to take care of stuff."

"I know that feeling," she said, a sadness in her voice.

"I bet you do, Buff."

"So what kinda cases have you had lately?"

"We're in Wyoming on our way to a suspected Serket case right now. Nothing exciting, sorry."

"Causalities?"

"Several," Dean sounded ashamed, "but we're gonna stop it as soon as we get there."

"I know you will."

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"The answer is no."

"Dean, I would not be asking if it was not important," Cas tried to reason with the obstinate hunter.

Dean kept his arms crossed as he leaned back against his Impala. He didn't care if it was important or not, there was no way he was doing anything for the angels anymore. Both Dean and Sam were so over angel crap.

"It's always important with you guys, Cas, but we're done with all your bullshit," Dean spat.

"Yeah, man. I'm sorry, but every time we do anything for you or for the angels, we get burned," Sam shrugged apologetically.

"This is bigger than your own feelings! If we fail to act now, the whole world is in danger!" Cas bellowed, sick of the attitude he was receiving.

After everything he had done for the Winchester brothers, Cas was incensed that they would turn their back on him now. He had bent the rules time and time again, even broken them, all to aid them in their mission. He had turned his back on his brothers and sisters to protect them. How dare they deny him his request?

"What's so big about some stone slabs anyways?" Dean asked.

Cas shifted his gaze to Dean, "it was written by God himself. It must be protected at all costs. It cannot fall into the wrong hands."

His words were heavy, but Dean refused to show any sort of reaction. These angels needed to learn how to handle things on their own again, and Dean was tired of being their whipping boy.

"What's written on them?" Sam was starting to take interest in what Cas was saying, regardless of Dean's feelings.

Sensing that the Winchester's were beginning to realize how high the stakes really were, he decided to provide more information on the situation.

"Regrettably, I do not know exactly what is printed on them but – "

Dean scoffed, "great. It could be his grocery list for all we know."

Cas shot him a sharp look that could have wilted even the strongest resolve before continuing to speak to Sam, and Sam alone. "I do know that the demons are looking for them as well. Crowley is looking for them."

Hearing Crowley's name perked Dean's interest, though he tried to conceal that from Cas. Sam was less interested in hiding his concern, which was quickly etched on his face.

"I do not know what Crowley wants with them, nor do I know if even he is aware of what the tablets hold. It does not matter. Crowley cannot be allowed to reach them. The tablets must be returned to heaven, where they can be guarded from the wrong hands."

"Where can we start?" Sam asked, deciding that this was as important as Cas had stated.

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"What the hell is happening in that town of yours, Slayer?" Dean tried to joke to mask his concern, but every word dripped with it.

Silence rang back, bringing worry even closer to the surface of Dean's words. He had hoped a lighter take to the conversation would make this conversation easier, but the silence he received worried him.

The last couple of days had seen radio silence from Sunnydale. It was a short break, but enough for Dean to take notice. Then when he heard whisperings from demons and hunters alike about some great power emerging in Sunnydale, a concern had risen in his gut. There wasn't much circulating in the community, but what he had heard he certainly didn't like. Whatever it was, it was big. End of the world big, and it was enough to overwhelm Buffy.

Now that he was speaking to Buffy again he felt more at ease, but her hesitation to tell him what had happened kept him on edge. There was something wrong in her town, something that she didn't want to share. So much had happened lately that he couldn't even imagine what would be bad enough for this. With everything she had shared with him, it had to be something pretty horrifying to cause her to hesitate to tell him.

"Willow."

Buffy was tired. God she was tired. In the last what, 60 hours? She had been shot, Tara had died, Willow killed Warren, they found out Anya is a vengeance demon again, Giles came back, and Willow tried to end the world. She was past trying to lie about what happened. She was past trying to avoid it. She couldn't do it anymore. Buffy just wanted to be able to breathe again.

"The witch?"

"Don't call her that," Buffy tried to be firm, but all things considered it seemed to be an apt description. She hated that.

"Sorry. I know she's your friend, that wasn't fair. What happened?"

"God, that's a loaded question right now. It's all just so messed up."

There was so much that had led up to this result that it was impossible to pinpoint the exact moment everything went wrong. There were so many signs that were missed or ignored over the last year. There were a countless number of events that could have changed everything if they had done something differently. One change in the path could have prevented everything. Buffy knew what it was that finally caused the levee to break, and she had a bloodied reminder of it sitting, crumpled up on the floor of her bathroom, a hole torn through it.

"Warren, he…he was finally tired of his game of cat-and-house. He shot me," Buffy sighed. She went to continue her story but was cut off immediately.

"What!? Are you okay?"

That was a strange question to answer right now, all things considered. There was no mark to act as evidence of what had happened. No soreness to remind her of where the bullet had struck. Physically she was fine. The damage done had been entirely psychological this time. A lot had been taken away in a short while. It wasn't Buffy that was paying the price though, and that was perhaps the hardest part of this all.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good," Buffy couldn't believe that it was the smallest part of her story, "Will managed to save me. Before she…" Buffy trailed off.

"Before what?" Dean pushed.

"Before she lost it," Buffy finally admitted out loud, "before she went…dark."

"What, like Evil Willow?"

"Tara was shot too. She uh, she didn't -" Buffy said, in her small voice again.

Dean remembered seeing the redhead sitting with a mousy brunette girl. It didn't take a genius to see how much the two girls loved each other. Dean could only imagine how the witch was feeling, after losing the one she loved. Just the thought of Buffy being shot had been enough to stop his heart, and he knew she was okay. He hadn't actually lost Buffy and he was already ready to tear the bastard who shot her into pieces. The witch had actually lost the girl she loved. Dean knew what that could do to a person. If she had the power to rip Buffy out of Purgatory, when even an angel couldn't, Dean feared what else she had the power to do. Cas had assured him that she wasn't a threat, but he was wrong. Maybe he hadn't seen this coming, maybe it had never meant to be.

"She went off the deep end, didn't she?"

Hearing those words struck her right to her very core. Buffy hated that something as horrible as that was true, it was correct, especially about her Will. This was Willow they were talking about. Little, sweet, quiet, bookworm Willow. The Willow who had kept her grounded all these years. That had picked up the pieces when the rest of them fell apart. The strong foundation of their group.

"Yeah, you could say that," Buffy tried to stop her lower lip from trembling. "There was a flaying. An attempt to end the world. It got scary for a while."

"Is she…"

"She's fine. Well, she's alive anyways. Giles, he uh, he took her off to England to some coven. Kinda like a witch-rehab or something I guess."

Buffy's heart hurt just thinking about the amount of pain and agony Willow must have been feeling to allow herself to get so lost. It had all been too much, and it had twisted her and broken her spirit. There was no way to know that the Willow that she knew was still in there. If she even came back from this coven, there was a chance that she wouldn't be Willow anymore. At least, not her Willow. That thought was more than Buffy could bear.

The exhaustion in her voice struck Dean. He hadn't heard her sound this exhausted since Purgatory. Everything she had said so far should have been dripping with emotion, but it was all just…flat. Buffy sounded completely done. She sounded empty and done.

"So she's still alive, and you stopped the world from ending. May be tough to call it a win, but I'd say it still counts," he tried to assure her.

"It wasn't me," she said simply.

"What wasn't?"

"I didn't stop it. I wasn't enough; I couldn't even touch her."

"So what stopped her then?"

"Xander," the pride in Buffy's voice was obvious, and it was the first hint of emotion he had heard. "He got to her in time. He tapped in to whatever part of her was still Willow. He saved the world."

There were tears in her eyes as she spoke, but they weren't tears of sorrow this time. Xander stopping Willow was the only sign they had that she was in there somewhere. It wasn't much to go on, but it would keep them going for now.

"Wow, the Slayer didn't save the world this time?" Dean was skeptical.

"I actually spent the apocalypse trapped in a pit fighting skeletons with my little sister. Not really the dignified battle that I'm used to," Buffy laughed, finally.

She hadn't laughed in days, not since before everything in the crescendo with Warren. It wasn't a real laugh, not quite anyways. It was the laugh of a person who didn't know how to cope anymore. It was the laugh of a crazy person. It didn't matter, she figured, she was just grateful that she was finally able to feel a little lighter. It was nice, even for a minute, to set aside the hell that had gone on in Sunnydale. Just a minute without worrying about Willow, without thinking about Tara.

Oh god, Tara. Buffy couldn't even think about her right now. To know they lost Tara was enough to break her heart all over again. Tara was sweet and loving, and the embodiment of everything that was good in the world. She never deserved to be caught up in the darkness of the Slayer world, and she certainly never deserved to die like that. Without her, the world was a little bit darker now. Tara was one of them, she was family, and she had failed to keep Tara safe.

She had to stop obsessing over it. At least for now. Right now she needed Dean. She needed his voice and his comfort and to have a moment that was her own. A moment without the doom and gloom. She may not deserve it, not after everything that happened, but her own sanity required it.

All Dean wanted to do was bask in the sound of her laughter. It was a sound that he missed while he was on the road, and he was pretty sure it was his favorite part of their phone calls. There was something about it that was able to break through whatever shit he had been dealing with, and bring him back to her. It was a sound that he would never get enough of. Dean knew that it would take more than a single moment of laughter to fix this mess, but it was a start.

A/N: Hello readers! I just wanted to take the chance to reply to your wonderful comments:

NicoleR85 - Thank you my dear! I hope this was soon enough ;-) I do apologize for the sporadic updates - university is a cruel mistress.

Sweetie420 - Awe, well that gives me the warm fuzzies. I'm glad you enjoyed it! This slow pace is all going to pay off, I promise you. Maybe not immediatly, but it is gonna explode in the third installment. Awe! Thank you so much dear! It means a lot that people are enjoying this, and that's what keeps me going is words like that! You're all so wonderful!

HolyCowsAndFlyingPigs - Oh man I'm so glad you enjoyed it though! I took my time to make sure we had them kicking some ass, because let's be honest that's what would happen, but also bantering (again, totally what would happen), but then the long awaited adorableness and ooey gooey love stuff.
Oh dearie no! I assure you we still have about 5 chapters to go. I was more going for "please don't kill me for making Dean leave so soon!" However, I have started getting the next step ready to go, and I do have a rough idea of what's gonna happen and all that. There's gonna be a big bad, the rest of the Scoobies finally get some screen time, and there is gonna be way more Buffy/Dean contact =) I can't say much else, but I am so so excited to get that show on the road. It'll make this whole installment here make sense, and make it totally worth it too!. As far as titles go, I haven't made a solid decision yet, mostly because I keep wafting back and forth. By the time I finish Shadows of California I should have a decision made and will make sure to include it in an author's note chapter just like last time =)
You are such a doll and I can't wait to bring you more! I actually have WAY too many ideas planned for this crossover, like way way too many, and can't wait to share 'em all!

LoneButterfly05 - Why thank you! I figured the drinking buddies was the way to go so that I didn't completely disregard the relationship they did have and yet still make it work with the Buffy/Dean relationship. It's not a huge topic to be covered, but it will come up once or twice in the future =)

Alex - Awe thank you! Definitely bittersweet. I wish these two could be together already! Alas, it doesn't work quite yet, but it will soon! Oh those two are gonna be friends for sure in the future. I have some great moments planned for those two when they do get to spend time together. There's a lot of Buffy/Sam shippers out there, and not without good reason. There's a lot in common there, and I think that's gonna be a good starting ground. Don't take that the wrong way though, there is no love connection here, on either side. Sam is not pining away for Buffy! Haha. There's gonna be a great bond though that I'm really excited to explore.
Oh yes, yes yes yes. Spike is still all crazy about her for sure, so there's gonna be some interesting stuff coming with him soon. I still need him to go off and get a soul, after all, so there needs to be a reason (and without the awfulness of that bathroom scene...that still breaks my heart to this day). Dean is gonna play a HUGE role in that...somehow ;-)