Remus loves the library, he does. It's not just the books; he's not quite so lame that he would "make sweet, sweet love to Madam Pince", no matter what Sirius says, but is it so wrong that he can appreciate a bit of peace and quiet once in a while?

Today, though, Remus wishes that he were anywhere but here. He's wearing a ridiculous suit of Peter's that Peter had to owl home for, and it's been magically expanded so far that Remus is half-afraid that it'll fall around his ankles any second now. In his hand is a suitcase that he (very reluctantly) borrowed from his father, and there instead of his wand there's a pair of fake glasses up his sleeve.

In conclusion: he looks like someone's sad old uncle who thinks that not owning any cats and being male will prevent him from becoming a crazy cat lady while in reality all other crazy cat ladies look upon him with both awe and relief that at least they're not as far gone as he is.

Remus knows he needs to stop stalling, but standing here in the aisle and watching Lily and Marlene studying is far preferable to doing what he came here for.

A bet's a bet, Remus reminds himself, and walks out of the relative safety of the biography section and into the light. He crosses the room swiftly and sits down at Lily and Marlene's table without asking, which is pretty rude, but he needs to put this incident behind him as quickly as he can.

They look up from their books, Lily's mouth parting in a comical "o" while Marlene looks disbelieving that he has just handed her an hour of making fun of him with no apparent provocation.

Remus spares a moment of silence for his pride and plops the suitcase onto the table, opening it and beginning to remove papers from it. They continue to stare, so he pulls out the fake glasses (why oh why did he ever think that making friends with Sirius Black was a good idea?) and clears his throat.

"It has come to our attention here at Moony, Moony, and Fuck Off Padfoot I Did All the Work, that you, Lily Evans, have recently entered a romantic relationship with a certain James Potter. Do you confirm or deny this allegation?"

Marlene recovers first.

"So what bet did you lose?" she asks.

Remus adjusts his fake glasses. "That happens to be confidential information, which I cannot reveal to you due to Article 7, Clause 16 of our contract, also known as Mind Your Own Bloody Business. However," he adds as Marlene looks ready to interrupt him, "I can tell you that I apparently have a terrible poker face."

He turns to Lily. "Please let's get this over with?"

"Sorry, what's happening? And why are you dressed like that?"

"Sirius wanted to make sure that you don't break poor James's heart," Remus says, "because you know that thing's about as fragile as his ego. But he was too scared of you to try to do the Don't You Dare Hurt Him Or Else routine, so we bet on a poker game and I lost, so here I am, and before you ask, yes the clothes were part of the deal. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't usually dress like this. Anyway, I've got a fifty-page legally binding contract that Sirius didn't even have the decency to help me write."

"Fifty pages?"

"The font is pretty big, you'll see."

"And I need to sign this if I want to go out with James?"

Remus nods. "Unfortunately."

Marlene tilts her head to the side, smirking a little. "Does James know about this?"

"I don't think so, judging by the fact that I appear to be alive and breathing. Now, if Lily here would be so kind as to start signing, we might actually be done with this before we've all gone old and gray and grown beards."

It takes forever to finish reading through and intialing the document. It's not exactly fifty pages; it is 51 and a half. By the time they're done, Lily is seriously reconsidering her decision to date James. It might've taken them months to stop dancing around each other, and the two times they went to Hogsmeade together have been great; but Lily, eyes swimming with legalese and hand cramping from holding a quill for so long, never wants to see another printed word again.

"And," Remus says, flipping the packet over as his voice breaks a little, "is the end of that. We are officially done."

Lily raises her head from where she's been lying, defeated, on the table. "Really?"

"Yep. Congratulations, you're now cleared to date him."

"I'm not so sure I want to anymore."

Remus laughs tiredly. "You better not, because if you put us through all this for nothing, I swear I'll jump off Gryffindor Tower, and you're coming with me."

"I thought that was the punishment for standing James up on a date?"

"No, no, you've got it all wrong, that's getting fed to a Blast-Ended Skrewt."

"Right, of course."

Remus yawns and gestures to Marlene. "You'd better wake her up," he says. "I'm going to finish my essay for Ancient Runes, I'll see you tomorrow. And, uh, please don't tell James about this; doing it was punishment enough for me."

Lily smiles at him and leans over to poke Marlene. "Noted. Goodnight, Remus."

"Night."

Back in the boys' dormitory, Remus collapses onto the bed, exhausted beyond all reason, and doesn't stir until an hour or so later, when James stumbles in and wonders why Remus is asleep at five in the afternoon on a Sunday.