Yep, here I am again. I just can't stop! Many thanks to robinscorpiofan for the idea for this one, as soon as she sent it my mind took off running, and I couldn't stop until it was done. The timeline of this could be a bit confusing, as it's set at the end of 3x23, after Justin's death. At this point, we know Erin and Jay haven't said they love each other yet, but they have in this story, so I have chosen to ignore canon for a moment (even though I love how the show handled it in 3x02). Despite that, these moments are not necessarily in order, as the chapter before this shows them getting engaged, and they are not engaged here. Try not to think about it too much, and take this as what it is; fiction.
Also, it is lovely to see this story getting so many follows and favourites, which I really appreciate, however the reviews number is not as high. If you could find the time to leave a comment, even a very short one, I would be very grateful. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!
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The locker room isn't always filled with romantic moments, or even just the humdrum of their usual work days. All too often, grief and loss are a part of their lives, and the locker room provides more privacy than the bullpen or the break room. Privacy needed to take a moment. Privacy to break down.
Erin sits on the bench, facing away from the door. She's not quite sure how she made it back to the district, why she didn't just go home and bury herself under the covers of her bed. She's not sure of anything at this moment, except the weight in her chest that's trying to pull her under. She wants nothing more than to give in to that pain, but she can't.
She closes her eyes to trap the tears that are threatening to break free. She needs to leave, get far away from this place. Far away from any thoughts of Hank, and by association, Justin.
"Lindsay?"
A soft voice jolts her to attention, but she doesn't turn to face it.
Kim makes her way over to her, entering her field of vision. The younger woman's face softens at the sight of Erin, and she knows she must look like she's barely holding it together.
"I'm so sorry, Erin." Kim says softly.
All she can do is nod, not trusting herself to make any sort of noise for fear of what will tumble from her mouth.
Kim hesitates for a moment. "Do you need anything?"
She struggles, trying to swallow the lump in her throat in an attempt to form a word.
"Jay."
Her voice doesn't sound anything like her usual self, but Kim's face holds zero judgement. She simply nods, and hurries from the room.
Erin grips the hard bench below her as she waits. She has no idea if Jay's even back yet, but she knows she needs him if she wants to keep herself from drowning.
She doesn't have to wait long. She recognises the sound of his footsteps instantly, her body relaxing only slightly at the knowledge that he's here.
"Erin?"
His voice is almost frantic, obviously due to the fact that she'd gone off without him even though she's sworn to him that she won't do that anymore. She deserves his frustration, but silently hopes he won't give it to her.
Within a moment he's beside her, pulling her body towards him, halting suddenly when he catches sight of her ashen face, the dried tear tracks on her cheeks and moisture still in her eyes.
"Erin?" He gasps.
"I'm sorry." The words bubble up out of her chest with a harsh sob as she falls into him. "I'm sorry."
He catches her effortlessly, holding her tighter than he ever has before. "It's okay." He whispers into her hair. "You don't need to apologise for anything."
"But I do. I went off again without you, even though I promised I wouldn't. I couldn't tell you what I was doing because I didn't want to believe it myself." She presses her face into his strong chest.
"I know, babe. I know."
"And Justin." She cries. "My little brother, he's gone."
"I know Erin, I'm so sorry." She can hear the emotion in his voice as he somehow holds her even tighter.
"It's not fair. It's not fair."
She can't remember ever crying this hard before. Even when Nadia died, she barely cried, choosing to drown her sorrows with substances. But now, she can't stop herself, the sobs coming from deep inside her chest.
"Make it stop, Jay, please, make it stop." She sobs, unable to witness the flash of despair that crosses her boyfriend's face.
"I'm sorry, Erin, I'm so sorry." He chokes out.
"I tried to stop him." She continues, the words spilling out of her mouth faster than she can stop them. "I tried so hard, I told him Justin wouldn't want him to do it, but he did it anyway."
Jay's chest clenches at the fact that not only has Voight done what he'd been expecting, but also that Erin had basically seen it happen. She'd stood in the rain, begging with him, and was now falling to pieces in a way that he'd never seen before.
Her ragged breathing pulls his attention back to her.
"Hey, Erin, you've gotta breathe for me. Come on, deep breaths." He prompts her with his own breathing, hoping she'll copy him.
She manages to follow his lead to get her breathing under control, tears still leaking into his shirt.
After what feels like a lifetime, but is probably only a few minutes, she pulls back from his chest, allowing her face to meet his. Her face is red, and her eyes filled with so much pain that it takes his breath away.
"He's gone." She whispers, her eyes falling to the bench below them.
"I know." He whispers back, not sure what else to say.
"He was just trying to help a friend. He didn't do anything wrong, and now his son is going to grow up without a father. He tried so hard, and he turned his life around and he didn't deserve this." She continues, not even hearing Jay's attempts to comfort her. "Hank's already lost Camille, and now Justin's gone too."
Jay can hear the words she isn't saying, he knows her so well. She's lost another person too. He can't begin to comprehend why someone as amazing as her has to suffer through so much. He's always felt confident in his abilities to make Erin feel better, but there's nothing he can say right now to make the pain go away.
"I don't know what to say to you." He whispers, stroking one hand through her still damp hair.
She manages to raise her head to lock her eyes on his.
"I don't think there's anything you can say." She says in a defeated tone.
His heart jumps as his mind goes back to just after Nadia died, when he wishes he'd done more to help her, wishes she had let him in. There's no way in hell he's going to let anything like that happen again.
"Erin," he grips her forearms and tilts his head to look at her seriously. "I know there's nothing I can do to change what's happened, but I am here for you. Please let me help you. I don't want to lose you as well."
Her heart tightens at the sight of her partner, this beautiful man who is begging for her to let him in. The pain she's feeling is so strong, but there's no way she could ever put Jay through what she did after Nadia, again.
She wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him to her and letting her face fall to the curve of his shoulder.
"Okay."
It's a whisper, but she knows that it's enough for Jay. Her thought is confirmed when his arms tighten around her in response.
"You're the only one I can really trust, Jay." Her murmur is so quiet that if she weren't right below his ear, he wouldn't hear her. It doesn't matter how quiet she is, he knows the true weight of her words.
He kisses the top of her head and holds her until she makes a move to pull away. His hand cups her cheek gently when she does.
"What do you want to do?"
She sighs heavily. "I know I should go be with Hank, but I can't be near him right now. Not when I know what he's done."
"Then let's go home." Jay urges. All he wants to do is get her home safe, away from the district and all signs of her brother's case.
She looks at him hesitantly. "I really should check on Olive and Daniel …"
"You're no good to them when you're exhausted." He reasons. "It'll still hurt tomorrow, but it'll be easier to make some decisions after you've slept. Let me take you home, and we'll go see them in the morning."
She doesn't miss his use of 'me' and 'we', and gives him a small smile. What would she ever do without him?
"Okay." She agrees quietly.
She lets him pull her up from the bench, and tuck her against his side as they turn to leave the locker room. She never allows so much affection at work, but she honestly doesn't care right now.
He takes her home, helps her shower, and tucks her under the thick covers, cuddled into his side. As she nuzzles her face against his strong chest, she realises that he's easing the pain slightly in a way that the drinks and pills never did.
"I love you, Jay." She whispers into the dark.
She feels his arms tighten around her. "I love you too, Erin."
She lets her eyes fall closed, trying to erase the thoughts of the day from her mind. She'll deal with it all tomorrow, and Jay will help her. That's what partners are for.