It's Jay's turn to be comforted in this chapter! I know I've already written a 3.17 chapter (and in this story already, no less), but it's just such an emotional episode that when I rewatched it the other day I got this idea for a different point of the episode than last time. This is set after the final scene of Jay breaking down in the locker room (which I had to watch MANY times in order to write this, and it basically tore my heart out). Thanks to Chicago PD for putting so many vital scenes in that locker room, and therefore making them so relevant for this story haha. And special thanks to TVDarrow for one of the sweetest reviews I've ever gotten! It wouldn't allow me to message you, so thank you so much for such a compliment! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I never intended this story to go past a one shot, and I'm expecting it to end at ten chapters, which I honestly can't believe. Thanks again for the support.
/
Jay stumbles away from Voight's office, making his way into the locker room. He heads towards the sink, his body on autopilot. He isn't even aware of his movement until he's standing in front of the mirror.
He stares at himself in the mirror as he hunches over the sink, not even recognising his own reflection. The haunted eyes, the cut on his face; such simple things make him feel like he's looking at a total stranger right now. Suddenly, it all hits him. Losing a friend, putting his uniform back on for the first time in years to attend a funeral, Voight's unusually kind words, the fact that he'd almost killed the guy who'd killed Terry. He had been so close to pulling the trigger, and taking a life himself. He doesn't even know who he is right now.
His head bows and he moves away from the sink, collapsing to the ground. He can't look at his reflection anymore.
The tears come hard and fast, heavy gasps bursting from his chest in a way that they haven't for so many years. He can't remember the last time he broke down like this, feeling so helpless and full of guilt. He wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole, so he wouldn't have to feel this pain.
He's so distraught that he doesn't hear the sound of soft footsteps approaching him, doesn't realise Erin is kneeling beside him until her gentle hand lands on his arm. Her touch pulls his head up, and he can't find the strength to hide his tears before she sees them.
"Erin …" His broken voice doesn't even sound like him. He wishes she would leave, and not have to witness him like this. His beautiful Erin, who has never seen this side of him, doesn't need to be touched by his darkness. He's never broken down in front of anyone like this before, and she shouldn't have to put up with it.
She doesn't say anything, just slips her hand behind his neck, and guides his head forward to rest it in the crook of her shoulder. Her tender actions break the last piece of his resolve, and suddenly he's sobbing and clutching at her sweater with a clenched fist.
She's whispering soothing words to him and running a hand through his hair. He can't concentrate on the words she's saying, but her tone is enough to make him surrender completely.
"It's all my fault, Erin. Terry's dead and it's all my fault."
He feels her hands tighten on him. "No, it is not, Jay. You did everything you could, and none of this is your fault."
"His wife is all alone, and his son is going to grow up without a father because I couldn't save him."
"You did everything you could, Jay." She repeats.
"I almost killed that guy." He barrels on, not even able to hear reason. "I aimed my gun at him, and I swear to God, I almost pulled that trigger. I would have killed him if Alvin hadn't come in the room. How does that make me any better than that guy?"
"Hey." She pulls back so suddenly and her voice is so serious that he has no choice but to meet her eyes. "You are a better guy, Jay. You're the best guy there is. You're hurting and that was clouding your judgement, but I know you wouldn't have killed him. That's not who you are. You did absolutely everything you could for Terry, and he knows that. You can't keep blaming yourself, babe. I know you want to, but none of this is your fault."
He raises his eyes to meet hers. "I couldn't save him."
"I know, babe." She whispers. "I'm so sorry."
"He was just doing his job. And now he'll never get to go home."
"I know." She murmurs, unsure of what else to say. There's nothing she can really say to make it better.
They deal with death and grief every day, but this one is hitting way too close to home, and he can't gain any perspective.
"I'm sorry, Erin." He says softly, turning his head away from her. "You shouldn't have to deal with me, put up with this."
Her heart breaks at the vulnerability in his eyes. He really is convinced that he doesn't deserve her support, even though he's given her his, countless times before.
"Jay." His voice is a whisper on her lips, and she cups his face gently between her palms, shifting his gaze back to hers. "Of course I do. This is what partners are for. This is what girlfriends are for. I'll always be here to support you, just like you always support me. You've shown me how much better it is to let someone in, and I want you to understood that too."
He stares at her, so overcome by her words, and her genuine concern for him.
She leans forward to press her forehead against his. "It's okay not to be strong all the time, Jay." She whispers.
His eyes fall closed again, and he breathes her in, letting her presence and comforting words fill the cracks in his soul.
"Thanks, Erin." He whispers after a few moments of silence.
She gives him a soft smile, with just a hint of sadness. "Always, Jay."
She gently runs her thumb against his cheek, just under the cut on his face.
"Do you want to get out of here?" She asks.
He nods. "Yeah."
She stands first and offers him her hands, helping him up from his position on the floor. She helps him gather his things so they can leave, and as they exit the locker room and make their way through the bullpen, she throws a look to Voight, silently thanking him for the heads up call. Her father figure nods back in return.
/
Erin watches Jay as he sleeps, his face relaxed. She'd stayed wrapped around him all night, running her hand up and down his back until he'd been soothed sleep, before falling asleep herself. She hasn't slept for very long, but she's more concerned with him than herself at the moment. She's very rarely awake before him, so she's choosing to savour the moment, despite the tragedy of the last few days that still hangs over them.
She can't even imagine being in Terry's wife's situation right now. One glance at Jay and her heart fills so much that she can't even begin to imagine losing him. As awful as it is, she's thankful that Jay wasn't the one hurt, or killed, because she's not sure how she would even be alive right now if that had happened.
Seeing him so affected had shocked her in a way that she'd never felt before. Her Jay is so steady and certain; he's always been her rock that she'd never imagined seeing him so vulnerable. She's glad she could be there for him just as he has been for her so many times before, even if the situation is horrible.
She doesn't even realise she's gently stroking his arm until he stirs beside her. She hastily pulls her hand back, but he's already opening his eyes.
"Hey." He says softly.
"Hey." She whispers back. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"That's okay." He peers behind her shoulder to see the digits on the alarm clock. "Why aren't you at work?"
"Oh, I um, took a sick day. I wasn't sure if you'd be okay by yourself. Unless you want to be alone, that is." She says uncertainly. This is new territory for them, and she knows that he could shut down, just as she so often used to.
He reaches over to brush his fingers against her cheek. "I want you to stay." He confesses softly.
She nods in surprise, warmth growing in her chest. "Than I'll stay." She promises.
He smiles at her and links his fingers through hers. "Good."
They lie in silence for a while, caressing fingers and occasional kisses filling the time. After awhile, Jay pulls back and fixes Erin with a serious look.
"I wanted to explain something about yesterday." He starts. "About how Brianna's husband made that comment about her talking about me on the phone. I didn't know any of that, and I'd hate for you to think I was hiding it from you …"
Erin's finger comes up to press against his lips and shush him.
"I know, Jay." She says softly. "I trust you. I might not have liked her, or the way she looked at you, but the last few days were not the time to say anything."
"You know I'd never do anything like that to you, right?" He says seriously.
She nods at him with a smile. Her Jay is fiercely loyal and dependable, and she trusts him like she's never trusted a guy before.
"I do, Jay." She reassures him.
He lets out a small sigh of relief. "Okay, good."
She dances her fingers across his cheek and down his arm. "I'm just really glad you're okay."
He smiles at her softly, understanding where her head is. "I know, baby. Me too."
She wiggles closer to his body and wraps her arms back around him, pulling him into her until his head rests below her chin. She holds him like she's protecting him from the world, standing between him and anyone or anything that dares to harm him.
He snuggles against her chest and presses a kiss to her collarbone. He's never depended on anyone like he depends on Erin Lindsay, and he knows he can always count on her to stand beside him, even when the worst happens.