Hi there! I know I haven't updated this in quite awhile, but this time of the year is crazy at work. I haven't had to chance to even watch CPD, let alone do any writing. Today I had the day off though, and after watching some scenes from 4.08 A Shot Heard Around The World, the idea for this chapter popped into my head. I sat down and basically wrote it in half an hour, so I guess the muse was ready to go! I hope you enjoy it.
/
She just needs a minute.
Erin makes her way out of the bullpen and into the locker room. It's been a hell of a day, and she wishes it was over already. A cop killer terrorising Chicago and attacking all that she stands for has left her more than a bit shaky. That's unsettling for her at any time, especially when she stills needs to work and focus on the case. Her job's not done yet.
Responding to that call with Jay, then going to the hospital and having Will tell them that the man had died had been a difficult moment. Entering that alley and watching a fellow officer die right in front of her; she can't think of very many things that she considers worse. She had practically seen the lights go out of the woman's eyes, and she had known straight away that she was gone. But there hadn't been time to think about it, and their need to protect each other, and the city, had taken over instantly. Even though it's been hours since that moment, she can still feel the pounding in her chest, the fear in her throat, and the weight of Jay's firm hand on her shoulder, pulling her away and behind the dumpster. She knows she can take care of herself, and she knows he knows it too, but she always feels safer with him watching her back, just like she does for him. Their partnership is even more important on days like these, where not everyone makes it home.
She falls to the blue bench, leaning forward so that her arms rest at her knees. One hand comes up to scrub tiredly at her face. She loves her job, and she loves protecting her city, but she wishes day like this didn't exist. She can't think about how the families of those fallen officers must be feeling tonight, knowing that their loved ones died because they chose to put themselves on the line for Chicago. It's all so senseless to her.
Not only does Jay's partnership mean everything to her, so does their relationship outside work. The fact that she had begun the day by formally introducing him to her mother, and only a few hours later he had put himself between her and a potential bullet, is still ringing through her mind. Their original reservations towards starting a relationship had stemmed from days like this, not wanting to compromise their work and their partnership by becoming even more important to each other. And while she knows being with him is worth everything and more, the what ifs are still running through her mind.
She sighs heavily and shakes her head quickly, physically trying to remove the thoughts from it. Footsteps from her behind interrupt her. She knows instantly that it's Jay.
His body comes to sit beside her. She turns to face him, taking in his defeated expression. He'd gotten so worked up when they'd returned to the district, and there are still traces of frustration and anger in his eyes, but they've mostly been replaced by sadness and exhaustion.
"You okay?" He asks, the concern thick in his voice.
She brings one arm up to run her thumb over his temple, soothing the worries as best as she can.
"Just needed a minute."
He nods in understanding. After all, he's been through all the same things as she has today.
They fall in to silence, their eyes locked on each other. One of the things she loves most about their relationship is their ability to communicate without words. Not everything needs to be said out loud.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.
I need you to be safe. I need to keep you safe.
He slides closer, causing her to drop her hand from his face. All of a sudden, she's in his arms, and her chest feels even slightly lighter.
She exhales deeply, tucking her face into the crook of his neck. His arms are tight around her, and one hand is tracing a comforting path up and down her back. For a few minutes, she can forget all about their day, and pretend it's just the two of them.
"I love you, Jay." She whispers, not wanting to break the silence of the air around them, but still needing to say it.
"I love you too, Erin." He says back, and she can hear the slightest bit of emotion in his voice.
They're not the kind of couples that says those three words all the time, for they both know it anyway. But days like this bring the need to voice in, just in case.
"You alright?" She asks as they eventually pull away.
He sighs. "Yeah, just can't stop thinking about what else could have happened."
She nods in understanding. "Me too."
He takes her hands in his, and fixes her with the serious look that he uses when her safety is concerned.
"Promise me one thing?" He asks, his voice low and deep.
"Anything." She says instantly.
"I know we already have our don't go in without backup rule again, but today seems like a good day to reaffirm that."
She nods. "I promise."
"And I do, too." He confirms.
They both relax slightly. If anything were to ever happen to either of them, they both know they would need to be there.
"Okay, your turn." Erin says suddenly.
Jay's head tilts slightly in confusion, no idea of what she's about to say.
"I need you to promise that you'll do anything you can to stay with me. Even if something were to happen." She says. She doesn't even care how desperate she sounds, when she can't even begin to think about losing him.
Jay squeezes her hands. "I promise to never leave you, unless it is completely out of my control. And even then, I'll do everything I can to stay." He says firmly.
"Good." She says softly.
"Erin," his voice is still deep. "Promise me, too." He demands.
She can see the pinch of desperation in his eyes, and is reminded of how much this beautiful man loves her. Some days she still can't believe it.
She leans forward to press her forehead against his. "I promise I'll always fight for you."
"Thank you." He whispers, his lips barely in inch from hers. He leans forward slightly to connect his lips with hers, pouring all of his love and fears into the kiss.
Her hands grip at his shoulders, needing him to be closer.
After a long minute, they break apart, realising that they're still at work, where anyone could walk in and find them.
Erin brushes her hair from her face, running a hand across her lips.
"We'd better get back out there." She says.
Jay nods, and stands from the bench first, offering her a hand. She takes it willingly, and follows him from the locker room. It's time to get justice for their fallen officers.