Ok, so every time I plan a new chapter for this story, the show does something to make me change my mind, or give me a new idea. That's exactly what happened with this chapter. This one started as a simple idea, but then it just kept running. This was my way of making myself feel better after the last few episodes. I hope it makes you feel a little bit better too. Reviews are always appreciated!
/
The locker room has been witness to many important conversations from the members of the 21st District. It had once been the site for the discussion where Jay and Erin decided to 'cool it'. Over a year later, it's the place that brings them back together.
It's been a long couple of weeks, no matter how hard they've tried to remain normal with each other. Erin has lived alone a lot longer than she did with Jay, but it still catches her by surprise every morning to wake up with an empty space beside her, and not see him until he arrives at work.
She misses him all the time, even when he's in direct view. Their partnership out in the field is the same as it's always been, and she's thankful that they can be professional enough to get the job done. When they're not working though, she can't stop her mind from wandering. She's trying so hard to be supportive, and part of her does understand why he's doing all of this. But the rest of her wants him to come home, so she can reassure him he's still the man she loves, that she doesn't think any differently of him.
It's a regular morning at the district, as Erin combs through files relating to their latest suspect, a man suspected of killing his wife and son. Jay's busy going through the man's phone records, and the two of them work simultaneously, only pausing to call out discoveries at each other.
Voight suddenly appears at the door of his office.
"We found our guy, we gotta go."
Everyone immediately jumps up from their desks, on their way to gear up and roll out.
"You need a hand?" Jay asks quietly, breaking Erin from her thoughts as she tries to secure her vest herself.
She brings her eyes up to his silently, before nodding her answer and moving her hair out of the way.
It's something he's done countless times, something that's become part of their routine over the last few years, even before they were involved. But right now it's the closest they've been, physically, in the last two weeks.
"Thanks." She whispers when he's done, locking her eyes on his.
"Let's go!" Voight's raspy growl calls, effectively breaking the moment.
The two partners hurry after their boss, ready to find this scum and end the case.
/
"Okay, everyone stay alert. I want eyes on this guy as soon as possible." Voight commands over their walkies as Erin parks the car on a busy street in downtown Chicago.
The two partners walk down the street, their eyes scanning for their suspect while trying to appear like regular people. Erin spotted Hank and Alvin on the other side of the street, and she knew Attwater and Ruzek were behind her and Jay.
She and Jay spot Carson at the same time. They look to each other, nodding before hastening their speed to catch up to him. Jay knows they need to get him away from as many civilians as possible.
They spot their moment when Carson disappears down a side street. Erin and Jay both draw their guns, making sure it's clear before they round the corner.
The alleyway is empty. Jay takes the lead, with Erin backing him up. Suddenly, Carson jumps out from behind a dumpster, catching Erin by surprise as his large hands wrap around her slender neck.
The noise has Jay whirling around, his gun immediately trained on the man holding his partner.
"Carson, let her go, now!" He roars. He doesn't notice Attwater and Ruzek entering the alleyway with their own guns drawn. Every fibre of him is focused on getting his partner to safety.
"No way man, I'm already going down, so I might as well take a cop with me." The man yells as Erin unsuccessfully tries to pull his hands away from her throat. Erin Lindsay is undoubtedly strong, but her small stature is no match for a man more than twice her size.
"Last chance." Jay orders.
The man still doesn't release Erin, so Jay aims at his shoulder and takes the shot. Carson immediately drops his hands, his body falling towards the ground and pushing Erin away from him.
"Erin!" Jay cries, his heart racing as he watches his partner take a dive, her small body crumpling into a pile as it hits the concrete.
He makes his way to her side faster than he can think about it, dropping to his knees beside her.
"Erin!" His hands come up to cup her face. "Erin, are you okay? Open your eyes for me, come on."
Erin does as he begs, peeling her eyelids open slowly.
"Jay?" She murmurs.
"Yeah, babe. I'm right here. What hurts?"
"My head. Throat." She croaks.
"Ambulance is five minutes out." Ruzek calls to him from where he's dealing with their bleeding suspect.
"I'm dizzy, Jay." She whispers, closing her eyes to block out the harsh light of the sun. She hates how weak her voice sounds, but she can't bring herself to care right now.
"It's okay, just rest for a minute." Jay tells Erin, brushing his fingers over her forehead.
He carefully catalogues her appearance as they wait, and he's slightly relieved to find that her injuries aren't too concerning, although he can't forget the sight of their perp's hands around her neck. He takes some deep breaths to calm himself while they wait. Her breaths are pained, but even, and he focuses on the rise and fall of her chest.
/
Jay hovers nervously as Erin is checked out by Shay, since she flat out refused being taken to the hospital. His partner flinches as the paramedic probes gently at her neck.
"Sorry, girl," Shay winces. "You're going to have some nasty bruises for awhile. How's your head feeling?"
"It's okay." Erin's voice is even raspier than usual, the result of their suspect's almost successful attempts to crush her windpipe.
"I'm going to give you these painkillers, they'll help your head and your throat. If you start to feel any worse, or you start throwing up, I want you to go to the hospital right away, okay?"
Erin nods, knowing how concussions can be.
"I recommend getting some cream for your bruises to help them heal faster. And you need someone to wake you up every hour for tonight to make sure you're alright. Though I'm sure Jay will be fine with that." Shay presumed.
Erin shifts uncomfortably, not knowing how to answer, because Shay obviously has no idea about her and Jay's current ... whatever. She'll just have to stay at Hank's for the night, or ask Burgess to come over for a while.
"Of course." Jay says immediately, and her head jerks up to meet his.
"Good." Shay nods. "Just making sure."
"You don't have to come over," Erin murmurs once Shay has moved away. "I'll be fine, I can just ask Hank –"
"Erin," Jay interrupts her. "You're hurt, I'm coming home with you. End of discussion."
Her heart lifts slightly at the determination and concern present on his face, but she stamps it down immediately, simply nodding in reply.
/
Erin sits on the bench in the locker room, gathering the energy that she needs to make it downstairs and into the car. And to be honest, she's gathering the strength to have Jay back home with her for the night, and to accept that it's just for tonight. Because she wants so much more, wants it to go back to how it was just a few weeks ago. The events of the day have left her feeling quite vulnerable, which is a feeling she isn't fond of. All she wants is to go home and spend the night wrapped in Jay's arms, but knows that discussions need to be had first. She doesn't want him thinking that she's using this situation to her advantage.
As if conjured up by her thoughts, Jay appears at the side of the lockers, looking down at her on the bench with a look of tender concern.
"Hey," he begins softly. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright. Are you ready to go?"
She nods wordlessly, avoiding his eyes. She knows if she looks into them, she'll be unable to hide her thoughts from him.
His brow furrows in confusion, and he moves to kneel down in front of her, forcing her to meet his eyes.
"Erin? What's wrong?" He asks, the blankness of her expression causing the worry in his chest and making him wonder if he should be taking her to the hospital after all.
"Come home." Her voice is quiet, but steady. "Please, Jay, I need you."
His breathing hitches as he takes in the sight of her pale face, bravely trying to keep her composure. Her quiet plea is enough to tighten his chest, for he knows how much Erin Lindsay hates appearing vulnerable. He leans up, pulling her into the safety of his chest.
"Erin, of course. I couldn't leave you along right now." Doesn't she understand that no matter what they are at the moment; that nothing else matters more than her? "I didn't need Shay to mention it, I would've come home with you regardless."
"Not just tonight." Her voice is mumbled against his shirt. "Come home for good."
His eyes fall closed at her soft admission. He wants so badly to forget everything that's happened, to go back and pretend his sham of a marriage had never happened, or that he'd told Erin earlier. He knows he's put her through so much unnecessary pain lately, and he wants to come home and forget all of it, but he can't ignore the feeling in his chest that tells him he's not good enough for her, that he's not the man she deserves.
"Erin …" His whisper gets lost in her hair, unsure of how to answer her.
"I'm sorry." She whispers suddenly, pulling away from his embrace, swiping at the tears that have settled on her cheeks.
Jay's head is practically spinning from how fast she has changed direction.
"Wha – why are you sorry, Erin?" He asks in confusion.
She's back to avoiding his eyes as she answers. "I've been trying to give you your space, and that shouldn't change just because something happened today. Don't worry about coming over; I'll just go spend the night at Hank's."
He places his hands on her thighs, holding her down gently as she tries to stand.
"No, Erin, don't be ridiculous."
"I'm not, I just can't have you come home if it's just for tonight. I miss you so much, and if after tomorrow we go back to whatever we've been doing the last few weeks, I won't be able to handle it."
When she makes another attempt to move, Jay cups her face between his palms and brings her lips to his, kissing her firmly.
She falls into his embrace, letting the familiarity of their actions take over, before her brain kicks back in and stops her. She pulls away suddenly, finally standing to put some space between them. Jay simply follows her.
"Erin, wait." His hands fall to her forearms. "I love you, and today really scared me. It made me wonder why the hell I'm even doing this, when I could be at home with you. I want to come home with you."
"But?" Erin prompts gently, hearing the tone in his voice.
"But you deserve better than a guy who lies to you, and can't remember periods of his life because he was so black out drunk."
"Jay, you went to war, you went through trauma!" She argues.
"It's not an excuse, Erin! It changed who I am as a person."
"Yeah, it has changed you, Jay, because you know you don't want to be that person anymore. I have periods of my life I still regret. You've seen me go through some of them! You always told me that my actions back then don't define who I am now, why can't you see that for yourself?"
"It's different, Erin. You deserve better than me." His head falls, avoiding her eyes.
"I decide what I deserve Jay, and I want you! You are the best man I know." It's her who steps into him now, gripping his shoulders with her hands. "You're kind, and protective, and supportive. All I want to do is be there for you like you've always been there for me."
Jay lifts his eyes to her, and she can see the vulnerability in them. Of course, it's also the exact moment where her body decides to remember the trauma she's been through that day, and her raised voice causes a sudden and violent coughing fit that makes her feel like her throat is on fire.
Jay swears under his breath, having forgotten her injuries for the last few minutes.
"Hang on, Erin." He says, lowering her back to the bench and grabbing a water bottle from his locker for her. He kneels in front of her once more, waiting out the fit and offering her water.
Exhausted, Erin leans forward at the waist until her forehead rests on his shoulder. Jay's hand slips beneath her shirt, rubbing gentle circles on her lower back.
After a few minutes, Erin raises her head from his shoulder, having gotten her breathing under control.
"You okay?" Jay murmurs, reaching up to brush her hair out of her face.
She nods, gripping at his shoulder with one hand, the bench below her with the other.
"We should get you home." Jay sighs.
Erin nods reluctantly, not wanting to leave their conversation where it ended. When neither of them makes a move to get up, she takes a chance.
"I know you went through some terrible things, Jay, and I can't pretend I know how hard it must have been, or how hard it still is." She tells him, her scratchy voice preventing her from speaking any louder than a whisper. "But it doesn't change the way I see you. Please let me be there for you, like you've always been there for me."
Jay lets out a deep breath, and looks at Erin, seeing the love and honesty in her eyes.
"Okay." He breathes.
Erin's pale face lights up. "Really?" She whispers back.
Jay nods, a smile creeping through. "Yeah. Now let's get you home, babe. You need to rest."
He knows there are more discussions to be had, but they can wait for now.
/
Jay keeps a tight hold on Erin's hand as they walk up the stairs. She can't stop a smile from taking over her face as he uses his own key to open the door to their apartment. He lets Erin in first before locking the door behind them.
"Couch or bed?" He asks.
"Bed." Erin sighs, despite the fact that it's only four in the afternoon.
Jay nods, and takes her head again, leading towards their room.
It only takes Erin a minute to shed her work clothes and pull on sweats and a hoodie of Jay's before climbing under the covers. Jay returns with a glass of water and the painkillers Shay had left with him.
"I texted Will. He's going to come over tonight to check on you and bring me my stuff I left there." He tells her as he settles himself beside her.
Erin hums happily. "Good."
She feels the bed shift beside her, and she opens her eyes to find Jay lying on his side, facing her. She smiles softly at him.
"Hey."
"Hey." He replies with a smile of his own.
"I missed having you in this bed. Didn't sleep as well without you here." She tells him softly. She's not sure if it's the head injury, or the painkillers, or just the memory of him being gone from their bed that's making her so honest, but she can't stop the confession from escaping her lips.
He smiles back, almost sadly. "I missed you too. Sorry I left."
She shakes her head slightly, before regretting it, pain radiating through her. "Don't be sorry. I get it. Just don't do it again."
"Never, never." He murmurs, pulling her into his chest. "Rest, babe, it's okay."
That's how they stay for the remainder of the day, into the night, with Jay waking her every hour to check that she's okay. Will does visit, bringing Jay's bag of clothes with him, and shooting Erin a look that says finally, with a smile.
The next day, Erin wakes to the sight of Jay's face, relaxed in sleep. It's a much nicer sight than the one she's become accustomed to over the last few weeks. She simply crawls closer to him, and falls asleep again.
Voight orders her to take a day off, and Jay ends up calling in sick to spend it with her, after staying up most of the night to make sure she was okay. They spend all morning entangled together on the couch, the television playing softly in the background, with neither of them paying any attention to it. They venture out for lunch late in the afternoon; stealing fries from each other's plates, their free hands intertwined. They watch a movie that night, even though Erin falls asleep half way through. Jay carries her to bed and tucks her beneath the sheets safely before resting her against his chest. After weeks of no contact, he can't bare to be even an inch away from her.
She murmurs softly in her half conscious state. "Love you, Jay."
His grip on her tightens ever so slightly, and he presses a kiss into her soft hair. "I love you too baby, so much."
As he succumbs to the pull of sleep, Jay swears to himself that he'll never let anything get between him and Erin again. He's still got a way to go with his PTSD and his past, but he knows he can get through it with her by his side.