Lacking Luck
Allen Walker
My boss -aka, the ill-famed Yu Kanda, Vice Chairman of The Black Order- absolutely loathed me; that much I could be certain of.
I hadn't done anything wrong. At least, nothing that I was consciously aware of. I'd followed his instructions to the letter and done everything he'd asked, and yet it was clear as day that he had it out for me.
He wanted me in early tomorrow, and I sure as hell would do it, if only to keep my job.
From what he'd said, it didn't sound like I was fired, so for now, all I could do was hope.
And if I could hold out until tomorrow, I'd be down with Komui by next week, and these four days of heated sporadic encounters would be nothing more than a bad memory that I could laugh about over a cup of coffee -or, in my case, tea- with Lenalee whenever I saw her next.
Nodding to myself, I turned on the radio, then eased my nice little grey car into reverse, eyes on the rear-view mirror.
As it so happened, I seemed to have relaxed too early, seeing as I nearly rammed into a nearby pillar of stone helping to hold up the underground carpark, distracted quite suddenly by the hatefully familiar tune playing through the speakers.
My grip on the wheel tightened, and it was pride alone that had me blatantly refuse to change to a different channel. Because I was above this. I didn't need to go out of my way to avoid something as simple as a stupid song.
It was fine.
I was fine.
.
-What would you do if your son was at home-
-Crying all alone-
-On the bedroom floor-
-Cause he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to-
-Sleep with a man for a little bit of money?-
.
I tried desperately to tune it out, focus now on exiting the carpark and reaching the black bitumen road that would stretch out before my car, with strips of white running down the middle, other cars on either side.
I'd have to get my act together if I didn't want to risk causing an accident.
Eyeing the area around my automobile for any possible hazards, I chewed my bottom lip frustratedly, tasting something metallic on my tongue.
.
-So for you this is just a good time-
-But for me this is what I call life-
.
I really, really hated this song, and most of that stemmed from that fact that a decent portion of the lyrics described much of my shoddy life to the T.
.
-Girl, you ain't the only one to have a baby-
-That's no excuse to be living all crazy-
-So she stared me right square in the eye-
-And said, "Every day I wake up, hoping to die"-
.
They described everything so painfully well.
.
-"Before I was a teenager-
-I done been through more shit-
-You can't even relate to"-
.
Half of them sounded as if they were made to mock me, along with everything I'd ever done.
.
-What would you do?-
-Get up off my feet and stop making tired excuses-
.
They urged me to do things that, at the time, had been simply impossible.
To do things I hadn't been able to do.
To try.
.
-What would you do if your son was at home-
-Crying all alone-
-On the bedroom floor-
- Cause he's hungry?-
.
My hands shook, and the tiny section of my brain controlling what little rationality I had left was thankful that the light I'd reached was red, because I couldn't see a thing through the thick veil of tears streaming down my face.
"I would do anything."
If only things were as easy as songs made them out to be.
VWV
I slapped my cheeks, staring into the small mirror to get another good look at my pitiful reflection.
It wasn't that noticeable anymore, but they'd know I'd been crying. Especially Katerina. Somehow, she always knew.
Sighing heavily, I reluctantly climbed from the car, and was soon trudging sluggishly along the sidewalk, hands stuffed in my pockets to protect them from the cold. It'd been a long day, and to be honest, I just wanted to go home, have a shower, eat dinner, then fall asleep in my bed.
I used the wooden steps as opposed to taking the ramp that spanned the length of the centre. Usually I opted for the ramp, but not today.
Gently, I pushed open the door, causing the colourful papers pinned to the walls to flutter with the wind that followed in after me.
The door swung shut when I stepped in and let it go, the warmth of the room chasing away the biting chill and improving my mood, if only slightly.
Krory spotted me immediately, and he offered up a nervous nod in greeting, his pale right hand seizing the black clipboard from the counter. "Good afternoon, Mr Walker," he murmured, uneasily shifting his thin frame from one foot to the other, not looking me directly in the eye. "Sorry about this." He fretfully smoothed his black hair down, trying to hide from me behind the strip of white that fell over his face.
I shrugged, taking the clipboard held out to me. "It's fine. I know you can't stay open longer on Thursdays, and I've told you already that it doesn't inconvenience me at all." I wrote down my signature and the time three times each, then gave Krory a polite smile.
He relaxed almost instantly.
It was always like this.
I waved to Eliade, the voluptuous blonde seated with five kids around the twins' age, and she waved back, before nodding in the direction of the reading corner.
Smile now rueful, I stepped my way through the piles of little Lego people and tubs of Play-Doh, to the corner filled with beanbags, books, and three chatting children. When they spotted me, their conversation ceased, and their little faces brightened.
The next thing I knew, my sons rammed right into me.
They were truly a force to be reckoned with; they'd knock me down someday soon if I wasn't careful.
"You nearly killed me," I accused, only to sigh melodramatically when they beamed up at me.
Taking no notice of my words, Mana cheerfully said, "Hi daddy!"
Neah tugged my shirt and mumbled, "Hey."
"Good afternoon Neah, Mana." I rested a hand on the top of their heads, mussing their dark hair. "Get your bags."
The both of them nodded and scampered off, managing to avoid the death-traps spread out all over the floor.
Katerina, however, remained where she was, sitting silently on the lime green beanbag.
I knelt down, bopping her on the nose. "Were you good today?"
She huffed, puffing her cheeks out indignantly. "Of course I was." Then she frowned, peering up at me with those all-seeing eyes of hers. "Are you… okay?"
Faking a pout, I copied her huff. "Of course I am."
When she looked at me uncertainly, I brushed her fringe out of the way and kissed her forehead, lips remaining pressed there for a while longer than necessary as my eyes closed in shame.
"Go get your bag, sweetheart."
Of course she'd picked up on in.
VWV
The phone rang while I was in the midst of drying my hair, and I let the towel rest around my shoulders as I retrieved my phone, accepting the FaceTime request once I'd identified my caller.
Lenalee's face appeared almost instantly, and her scary knowing grin sent shivers down my spine. "How was work?"
"Fine." I swallowed thickly, setting the phone down on the flat chestnut surface of my stomach-high dresser. Hands now free, I grabbed the pair of grey boxers I'd set out and tugged them on. "Just a normal day… Why do you ask?"
"That's not what I heard."
She knows.
I retrieved the phone, peering down at it guiltily as I sat down on the edge of my bed. "I may 'ave gotten into an argy bargy with the boss."
She laughed into her hand, and the video feed wobbled. "Wherein you insulted him in British slang?"
"How do you know so much?" My spare hand seized the white pyjama pants beside me, and I -with a reasonable amount of difficulty- stuck my right leg through the matching pants leg.
"Kanda and I are childhood friends. He couldn't understand what you said and heard I had a British friend," Lenalee explained, kind purple eyes twinkling.
I tilted my head to the side, feeling myself frown. "But aren't I the only British person you know?" As I spoke, I attempted to get my other leg into my pants using only one hand to help me, and was somehow failing miserably.
She nodded, eyebrows raised as if I was missing something obvious. "You're my British friend."
Oh.
"It was only your third day" she chided, returning to the original topic, still visibly grinning at me. She was having way too much fun with this. "Neither you nor Kanda are very good at keeping your anger in check. You two are so similar its funny."
I bristled, grimacing at the mere thought of being considered similar to… that thing. "I'm nothing like that pompous prick!"
"Sure," the green-haired woman said disbelieving. "By the way, you should probably finish getting dressed. You don't want to catch a cold now, do you?" She made a show of eyeing up and down what she could see of me, and then winked.
"Thank you, dear sister, for your lovely words of advice." At least she couldn't see that I'd started putting my pants on back-to-front. She'd get an even bigger kick out of that.
"Anything for you, dear brother."
VWV
I scooped Mana and Neah up off the couch and into my arms, smiling softly as they sleepily clung to me, deciding then and there that they were sleeping with me tonight. Katerina padded after me, and when I glanced back, she was rubbing at her eyes in a way that made me melt. Biting lightly on my lip to contain myself -because I was not goddamn Komui-, I carried my two youngest children up to my room, and gently deposited them on top of the blankets, resting their heads on my pillows. I then pulled the sheets out from under them, taking care not to wake them up in the process.
Katerina crawled up beside them, flopping down the second she was at the top of the bed.
I slid in between Neah and Mana, pulling the blankets over all four of us.
"Sweet dreams, Katie," I whispered, reaching over Neah to stroke her cheek, chest warming when she made a tired noise and rolled over, face in the pillow.
I closed my eyes, and, eventually, sleep took me too.
|I|I|
"You're up."
Those words instilled in me a cold, familiar fear that clawed at my heart and made my knees go weak, but nevertheless, I stood and followed the woman, aware of the consequences if I were to disobey.
She pushed open a heavy wooden door, her frumpy body blocking the interior from my sight.
It didn't fail to escape my notice that this was one of the more expensive rooms, reserved for our more… loyal customers.
"Thank you for coming by. I'm sure you'll be most pleased with your purchase."
She stepped to the side, expression changing to a glare the moment she looked down at me.
Keeping my face clear of emotion, I stepped past her, eyes soon locating the man swathed in shadows seated on a lush crimson armchair that directly faced the end of the bed, his feet propped up on the little carved stool roughly a metre away.
I recognised him from the descriptions some of the older boys had given me; this was one of those regulars who liked to hop from one underage prostitute to the next, and had recently taken an interest in this place's 'Exotic Section'.
That meant any of us who couldn't exactly be categorised any other way.
We were the rejects.
My hair was white, my face was scared, and I came with an arm sleave; the only customers who picked me were always into the freaky stuff. Or they were the type to get off on feelings of pity for the person they were screwing.
However, none of that mattered right now.
What did matter was the needs of the customer.
I had to do the best I could to please him in any way I could, else my food privileges for the month would suffer. They were already meagre as is, so I couldn't afford for them to take a hit.
I would do what was required of me, if only to survive.
Behind me, the door clicked shut, and that's when I noticed the young girl up on the bed.
She only appeared to be but a few years older than I, presumably in her mid-teens, eyes obscured by her thick fringe. The girl's body was already completely nude, and her skin was the warm colour of coffee.
Random narrow beams of white light illuminated different parts of the black-and-red themed room, only serving to intensify the sensual air this place held.
I heard the man mutter, and I vaguely picked up on him telling me to strip.
Ah.
So that's what he wanted.
It seemed like he wouldn't be participating after all.
The heavy dark red robe slipped from my body to the floor, leaving me exposed to the perverted gaze of that man raking over my near-bear form, the long red glove I wore in no way saving me from the humiliation. It was only there to conceal my arm; nothing more, nothing less.
I climbed up on the bed, kneeling in front of the girl, hands resting beside my thighs.
With a faint amount of surprise, I saw that her red-painted lips were in a thin, unhappy line.
"Sorry."
It was faint, but I still heard it. I definitely heard it.
Softly, I shook my head and tucked a stray lock of red/brown behind her ear; it had looked like it was in the way. "It's not your fault."
She moved and pushed me down so that I was beneath her, before leaning down and kissing me quietly, and when I looked into her eyes, I saw gold.
|I|I|
When I abruptly woke, my mind went into instant overdrive to assess my current condition.
My pyjamas were disgustingly sticky and clung uncomfortably to various parts my body.
My breathing was ragged like I'd just finished a marathon.
My head ached terribly.
My nose was clogged.
"Daddy?"
The voice was small and tentative, but it was enough to make me aware of the weight on my chest and the light pressure on my cheeks.
My eyes flew open, focussing on Katerina above me, who held my face in her small shaking hands. Big fat tears fell down her pale face, which was drawn with worry and dread.
Twin whines drew my attention to my two boys, their legs tucked beneath them as they knelt by me on my left, watching me with the very same cluttered expression as Katie.
I found that I could not look at a single one of my children without feeling like my stupid heart would tear itself in two from the ignominy of it all.
Bumping Katerina in the process, I wiped my face, and my hand came back wet. She took my hand and held it tightly, sniffling loudly.
"Katie?" It hurt my throat to talk. "S-sorry…" I coughed, trying to hide the roughness of my voice, and then I sniffed. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to frighten you."
Not even opening her mouth to speak again, my daughter moved off of my stomach to my right side, though never released my hand.
Neah edged closer, and my second oldest -by fourteen minutes- tugged on his brother's shirt, staring at the slightly-younger boy as though seeking confirmation for something. When Neah nodded, Mana threw himself at me.
I caught him with my one free arm, and pushed myself up into a sitting position so that I'd be able to hold him better, readjusting him so that his legs were on either side of my waist and his little arms were clenching the fabric of my shirt. I couldn't really do much about that last part.
He whined, pressing his runny nose into my neck.
"Shh… Daddy's here… I'm sorry baby… Shhh…" I chose to speak nothing of the dampness of my shoulder. "Breath baby… I'm right here… I'm okay… You're okay too, see?" My disfigured hand rubbed a straight line up and down his back while I spoke, my touch and words soothing him to the best of their ability. "I guess daddy's been a bit silly… Waking up like that wasn't very smart of me… Silly daddy… "
Mana hiccupped messily, and his head bobbed along to what I'd said.
Good. A response.
"So you agree?" The rubbing was upgraded to a fast-paced version of patting. "I guess you're right. I should probably be scolded for that. How about it? Do you want to be the one to tell daddy how silly he's been?"
Mana obstinately shook his head, the movement accompanied by a low sound of disapproval.
"Then should Neah do it? Or how about Katie? You know how much she likes to do that." I was smiling again now. It hurt to do, and I didn't really feel like it, but I had to. That's what they needed from me. "Maybe we should save that for the morning. You have school tomorrow, don't you? If we don't go back to sleep, we'll all be super tired and grumpy when we wake up."
I felt Katerina squeeze my hand.
"Yeah? What do you say?" This was not okay. It brought me actual pain to keep this charade going. I didn't have nearly enough sleep for it.
Silence followed my query.
"Mana? Did you fall asleep?"
His smaller body moving back a smidge was the only real warning I received before his fist connected with my forehead, causing me to flinch back and wack myself on the headboard of my bed. I held my tongue, habitually stopping myself from cursing in front of these three.
The anger in his brown eyes came as a surprise. Mana was never violent. He was the virtually harmless one, the kind of kid who hated conflict or all kinds.
"Stop smiling."
"But isn't it better to smile?" I asked softly, raising my left hand to gently push back his fringe.
Katie positioned my arm around her body, shifting closer so that she was side-by-side with Mana. "Not when you look like you're about to break." She pushed her face into the right half of my stomach. "We don't like it when you do that."
Her words made my heart clench harshly inside of my chest. "Am I… really that bad a father?"
"No," all three responded, instantly and without a shred of hesitation.
I was completely unworthy of that. Of this. Of them.
It was bad enough that I'd brought them into this world -into that nuthouse- and put them at risk, but to think I'd actually forced them to go through that madness because I'd wanted a family…
How selfish of me.
My bitter tears overflowing was the signal that I was beginning to break down. That wasn't good. Not now. I wasn't supposed to do this around them.
I hated it when they saw this ugly side of me.
Two small bodies latched onto my left, and although I couldn't see who they were, I knew without a doubt that they were the boys.
I was really crying now, bawling like a child as I opened my mouth to speak through my horrid-sounding gasps for air. "But… don't you… aren't you … Don't you want… better?"
"We want you!" That voice was male. More insistent. Resolute. "You're our daddy and that's what we want! Nothing else is better!" It was Neah for sure.
"W-what about… someone else…? Don't you want a… mommy or something?"
"We only want a mommy if you want one!" A softer voice proclaimed. This one was Mana.
"Or another daddy," Katerina added, her fingers brushing away my new tears.
Their kind words only made my sobs renew themselves with force, louder than before, and the three of them all hugged me tighter.
"Whatever you want," she whispered, smiling delicately, like I'd break if she wasn't careful enough. "It's your life."
Her silver eyes were looking at me so very softly, and that only made me feel worse.
Those pretty silver eyes that suited her much more than they did me. The colour contrasted nicely with her hair, whereas on me, they only made me look that much more like a ghost.
Lifeless, someone had once said.
That was true.
Then maybe, in that way messed-up way, they did suit me.
VWV
Crying myself out had left me feeling fan-bloody-tastic.
Despite my reaction last night, such dreams were a frequent occurrence. Or, that was true in part; their number had dropped significantly this past half-decade.
I was usually much better at controlling myself, especially when I was in front of my children. Often I tried to keep them unexposed to that side of me. They didn't need that in their lives.
Luckily, they'd seemed far better this morning than they had last night, though I'd have to be a fool to believe that the incident was forgotten.
However, I would not let that ruin my day, because it was finally Friday. Today was the last I'd ever see of arsehole and his stupidly smug face!
As per his orders from yesterday, I arrived about half an hour earlier than usual.
I made it to my temporary office without incident, and was rather surprised to find Komui standing in the doorway to Kanda's office. When he saw me, the purple-haired man immediately rushed over and threw his arms around me. "Congratulations, Allen!"
Huh?
He pulled back, grinning widely, then took my hands and shook them vigorously. "I didn't know what to do since no one wanted the job, but thank you thank you thank you!"
I was still at a complete loss.
He must've seen the blank look on my face, because he squeezed my fingers tightly, to the point I could've sworn they'd lost blood circulation; their colour probably bordered on purple beneath my gloves. "The promotion! You're Kanda's permanent PA, effective immediately."
I ripped my hands from his, startling both myself and him. "I-I thought you said it'd would o-only be temporary!" I hadn't agreed to this. One week. That was the most I could endure. Any longer and one of us would end up dead.
"Kanda made it a full-time thing," Komui explained, waving his hand through the air as if trying to shoo the pesky notion away. "For him to actually make the request is amazing!"
Komui… Don't you dare…
"I… No… I can't…"
"Allen, you said you'd be his PA." Behind his glasses, I could see the desperation in his eyes, which were silently begging me to do this for him. "You're taking this promotion, right?"
I slowly turned my head back to the doorway of the connecting office, only to find the blue-eyed man standing there, smirking at my apparent horror.
Somehow I'd incurred his wrath, and this was how the demonic being I called my boss had chosen to punish me. Was it because I'd left early? Because I'd had the gall to yell at him and then request that I keep my job? Because he was a jerk?
"P-please tell me that this i-is all some kind of sick joke…" My fingers twitched, and I anxiously rubbed at my left wrist. "Sir," I quickly added. I needed him to at least be in some semblance of a good mood to have any chance of escaping this situation.
He chuckled a little at my words -scaring the hell out of me in the process-, and the corners of his lips twitched, like they were ready to pull his face into an even more frightening expression.
I sincerely hoped they didn't. If he exposed those teeth of his, he'd look like some kind of predator. My poor heart didn't need that right now.
My emotional state was still fairly brittle from last night's surprise.
"There's no joke."
"If th-this is about y-yesterday, I already apologised! I didn't mean to snap! I swear! Sir, please don't do this to me! Choose someone else!" If I had to resort to pleading, so be it. Anyone working directly under him for any period of time longer than this was a disaster in the making, and I personally didn't want to be at the epicentre when it hit.
"Oh this isn't about yesterday." He strode over with confident, smooth steps, courtesy of his long legs and massive ego, and then, as if to add further insult to injury, he bent slightly, lowering himself down to my height. "Now get to work, Allen."
The way he said my name made my blood run cold, and I couldn't help but shudder.
VWV
Their mother is a no-named OC. She was originally going to be Katerina until I made Katerina one of his children too. Her only purpose is to explain where the kids came from and add some backstory.
Also, I have a question: Since Neah's and Mana's hair (in the anime) is purple, should I change the colour here (in this story) to purple?