Maura has been in the presence of the entire Rizzoli family only two other times. Once, when they all gathered to celebrate Frankie Jr.'s birthday, and another time, by accident, when they all arrived at the Dirty Robber within an hour of each other.
The doctor is awed and intimidated by the loud, aggressive, and easy way the Rizzolis interact. She is touched by Jane's genuine desire to have her company, and moved even more by the family's immediate acceptance of as they pull up to the little house on Sunday night, Maura feels more nervous than she has since before she met Garrett.
She is attracted to Jane. She has been since their first dinner together, when they ate takeout out of the container and sat on the mattress left in the middle of her living room by the movers. Maura laughed more during those three hours than she could ever remember doing with anyone else.
Until the hand holding, she had not allowed herself to imagine a world where the detective could ever return her affection. Jane Rizzoli was a straight woman expecting a child.
And while the bullet may have changed a significant part of that equation, what it did not change was Jane's sexual orientation.
They have become close that is all. Maura smooths her skirt, and then folds her hands in her lap. She is responsible for the injury that kept Jane away from work. She is responsible for the look that Jane gets on her face whenever her mother brings up grandchildren.
They have become close, and it is more than Maura could ever have dreamed of. She will be content with that.
As Jane parks the car, Maura focuses on their incompatibility. She does not have to reinforce the conviction by mentally cataloguing all of the other reasons that she is inadequate besides her gender.
She does not allow herself to contemplate the idea that this imaginary list of shortcomings would not work in this situation, because all of the things she finds fault with… Jane seems to accept without question.
"So…you ready?" Jane's voice breaks through her thoughts, and she looks around to see that Jane has turned off the ignition and that they are just sitting in the car outside the house.
"Oh!" she feels her cheeks get warm. "I'm so-" she catches the apology halfway out of her mouth, and then laughs as Jane pumps her fist.
"Yes!" she cries. "One for me!"
"That doesn't count," Maura says, still grinning. "I did not verbalize the whole thing. It does not count."
Jane shoots her a look. "Half a pint then," she says.
Maura puts her hands up in concession.
They have come to the agreement that if Maura would stop apologizing for what Jane called "things that did not remotely require an apology," then Jane would work on curtailing her swearing.
Whenever one of them slipped up, it was added to the tally of drinks she owed the other. Jane's drink of choice was Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.
Maura usually opted for a Riesling. Dry.
Thus far, Jane had purchased Maura fourteen separate drinks, and she still had yet to clinch a third beer.
"Maybe one day, you will tell me some of the things you think so hard about," Jane says casually.
"It's nothing," Maura says, though the words make her face feel even warmer.
Jane grins, Popping the door of her car open. "Well, when you want to talk about nothing out loud, I'll be around to listen."
It takes Maura a few startled seconds in the car to process Jane's words, and then she opens her own door and hurries up the walk after the detective.
"What's the saying?" Jane murmurs as she knocks firmly on the door before pushing it open.
"Batten down the hatches?"
Maura chuckles. "You're being overdramatic," she says.
Jane shoots her a dark look, gesturing that Maura should hand her coat over. "Judge for yourself."
…
…
Jane is not being overdramatic. It seems that on their own, familiar territory, the Rizzolis become louder, and more boisterous, finally feeling free enough to be themselves.
When they enter the kitchen, Frankie and Tommy are in the middle of a fierce debate over something called the WWE, voices rising and rising and rising, until Frank Senior shouts them both down with his own opinion, stated as fact.
Maura feels Jane's hand press briefly in the small of her back, guiding her to a stool pulled up to the counter.
She has not been seated more than a couple of seconds, when Angela tilts a wooden spoon in her direction. "Taste this," she says.
It is not phrased as a question, and so Maura accepts the spoon into her mouth, feeling ridiculous until she registers the taste.
"That is...phenomenal."
Angela looks smug and pleased. "Phenomenal," she repeats, looking at each of her children in turn. "Hear that? I'm phenomenal. Have her over more often, Jane."
Jane snorts, and shoots Maura a dark look that fades into a chuckle at Maura's wide eyes. "Sure, Ma," she says. "If I'm off the hook then."
Angela laughs, and hands Maura a piece of bread dipped in the sauce from the spoon, and Maura feels like she could belong. Right there in the kitchen with all of them.
They sit down to eat, and - contradictory to Maura's assumption - the volume of the family rises. She observes it all, wide eyed. They are as close as a family can be, and though Jane might complain about them all, there is no doubt that she also loves them as fiercely as is humanly possible.
What a wonderful, warm little life her child might have had.
.
"Maura?" Angela Rizzoli has been talking to her.
"I'm sorry," Maura says, smiling across the table at Jane's mother. "I got a little caught up in my thoughts. Did you ask me a question?"
"I just asked how you deal with it every day," Angela says. "All the death and injuries and pain that come through the door. I go crazy every time I know that Jane or Frankie are in danger. I don't know how you look it in the eye every day and manage to keep your head."
Maura blinks, digesting this little speech one word at a time. "Well," she says slowly. "My job is quite different from your children's. I am not the one in actual danger."
"But all the death," Angela presses, and there is definite fascination in her face, alongside the concern.
"It's not just about death," Maura replies quickly, because Jane has tensed in the seat next to her. "There are many beautiful things too." She looks around at them all, to see if they understand, and realizes that the family as fallen silent, ostensibly waiting for her to continue.
"For example, births are always very joyous occasions. The moment when a patient wakes up and is surrounded by loved ones." She pauses, trying to think. "Oh! yesterday, I had a patient who had been to seven different doctors. They all told her she was perfectly fine. She wasn't, and I was able to correctly diagnose her. Even though that was not entirely good news, the relief she felt at not being deemed crazy, was definitely a positive."
She glances around at them all. If the confused and bored looks on Tommy and Frank Senior's faces are a bit disappointing, the feeling is totally eclipsed by the way Jane is looking at her.
She blushes.
"It's rewarding," she says. "I imagine it's not dissimilar to your job, Jane," she says. "Trying, and difficult, and extremely rewarding."
Jane nods, though she looks like she hasn't really heard. Angela says something, and the conversation picks up around them, but Maura lets herself tune out, basking in the glow of Jane's undivided attention for a couple more minutes.
They manage to make it to dessert without the mention of children.
Angela is relentless. Maura thinks she wants grandchildren so badly, that it clouds her judgement and her ability to read the facial expressions of her children.
When they finally escape to the front porch, Jane's face is a thunderhead of disgruntled frustration.
She holds the door to the car open for Maura, and then goes around, sliding herself behind the steering wheel with a long sigh.
They haven't touched since Friday, and Maura stares at Jane's profile, trying to work up the nerve to put her hand on her knee. She'd wanted to stick up for Jane back at the house. She'd wanted to tell Angela that Jane had sacrificed happiness and peace for Maura's life, and that she would spend the rest of it trying to make it up. To both of them.
But she had stayed as silent as Jane had through the entire mini-tirade, and it was Frankie who finally told Angela to give it a rest.
"My parents freaked out when I told them I was going to be a cop," Jane says suddenly, eyes still on the road.
Maura looks at her profile, trying to think of a response.
"My Pop is really old school, and he thinks like, women stay home and take care of the kids, you know?"
Maura nods. "My parents wanted a different career path for me, as well." She says quietly.
"Yeah? What's better than doctor? Astronaut?"
Maura smiles. "My mother wanted me to go into politics. Or, I should say, she wanted me to marry someone who was going into politics. She's a bit old school, like your father. My father thought I should put my knowledge of science to a more…investigatory use."
Jane frowns. "Like…"
"Research," Maura supplies. "They are…not pleased with this latest development."
Jane turns to look at her. "What, that you almost died?" she says obstinately. She knows that isn't want Maura means. "That your husband almost killed you?"
Maura sighs. She doesn't know what to do with the emotions that this woman stirs inside of her. They are new, and dangerous, and so loud that she can't ignore them.
There has never been someone in her life that demands attention the way Jane does.
She reaches out and puts her hand on Jane's knee. They have turned onto Maura's street, and so if this contact is unwanted, she will only have to endure the rejection for thirty seconds.
But Jane covers Maura's hand with her own, and when they pull to a stop in front of the Condo Complex, Maura doesn't want to get out.
"The trial starts tomorrow," Jane says, looking out of the driver's side window like there is something around them besides darkness and unspoken words.
"Yes. My lawyer doesn't expect that I'll be called this week though."
Jane nods. "Mine says it will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday for me."
Silence. Jane takes her hand away from Maura's to run it through her hair. She looks nervous, and Maura doesn't know what she's done, but she doesn't want the emotion to continue.
She reaches for the door handle. "Thank you," she murmurs. "For tonight. It was lovely."
She gets out of the car, surprised when Jane is there beside her.
"I thought," Jane looks away from her face. "I'd walk you…?" her sentence ends as a tentative question, and Maura couldn't stop her smile even if she wanted too.
"So chivalrous," she says lightly, and Jane chuckles and holds out her arm for Maura to take.
"I just wanted to, uh, tell you that…" She trails off, a blush creeping up her neck.
Maura wants to touch her cheeks.
Her hair.
"Jane?"
The brunette shakes herself. "Sorry." She redoubles her effort. "I wanted you to come tonight because I wanted you to know that you have people." She looks at Maura, whose lack of understanding must show on her face, because she continues. "My Ma, and Frankie...Tommy for what that's worth...me."
Tell her.
"We're - uhm - here for you. Through all of this. Okay?"
Maura looks up at the clear night sky, trying to forestall the tears that this declaration has caused. How is it possible to feel so deeply for this woman, so quickly.
Surely it is only the high emotions of their circumstances.
Surely it is only her guilt that makes her want to take Jane around the waist and press their bodies together.
"Maura?"
They are at her front door. "Yes," she says, too thickly but not shakily, thank God. "I mean, thank you, detective. That means a great deal to me."
Jane pulls from her as though slapped, and Maura has heard it too. The stilted, distanced way she has responded.
Jane nods. "Okay," she says with an attempt at a grin. "So I'll see you Tuesday?"
Maura nods, not trusting anything that comes out of her mouth, and after another look, Jane turns and jogs back to her car.
"No running yet," Maura calls after her.
Jane doesn't hear her.
…
…
Aisha thinks she should simply go for it. She drops by Maura's office to tell her that a certain detective has been discharged from the outpatient physical therapy program and watches with ill disguised glee as Maura tries to manage the flood of emotions this news causes.
"That means she's free to recertify," Maura says.
"Yep," Aisha answers with a wide smile. "She seemed about as happy about it as you are miserable."
"I am not-"
"Don't lie. I don't have time to revive you."
Maura sets her mouth in a straight line, watching as Aisha sits down on the rolling stool in front of her desk. "Maura. You've got to tell her how you feel."
"No," Maura says. "I certainly do not."
"Yes you do. How else will you know she doesn't feel the same way?"
This is an argument they've been having for close to two weeks, and Maura can recite both of their parts by heart.
"She's straight, Aisha."
"You don't know that, because you haven't asked her out."
"She was pregnant."
This argument, never fails to make the other doctor glare at her. "We both know that a child does not a straight woman make," she says pointedly. "And I'm getting kind of offended that you keep bringing that up."
Maura bites her lip. "You're not a lesbian," she says, though as soon as it's out of her mouth, she sees the trap that Aisha had just laid for her. "And don't you dare tell me she might be bisexual."
To her surprise, and relief, Aisha laughs. "Right," she says. "Because it's only me and that RN Marta in Boston. I forgot."
Maura smiles despite herself. This is one of the things she likes about her relationship with Aisha. The woman just rolls with things. "I don't mean to invalidate Jesse, you know that, right?" She has to ask, just to be sure.
The other woman nods. Aisha's son is seven, the product of what Aisha calls her "happiest accident ever."
"I know," she says. "But Maura, at this point, you are running out of reasons not to try. You were leaving Garrett because you wanted to date women right? So date them!"
Maura shakes her head. "Not her," she says, aware of the shake in her voice. "I can't date her. I can't..." she doesn't finish. There is a sudden lump in her throat.
And Aisha senses this shift from banter to seriousness, and she rolls the stool around to the side of Maura's desk. "Darling," she says gently, "If she was expecting that baby with a man, or even another woman," Aisha holds up her hand to stop Maura's interruption, "then where is he or she? Hmm? Isn't it possible she had her own happy accident?"
"I-"
"And she held your hand in the park last week! She walked you to the door of your condo! Those things are not nothing."
Maura closes her eyes. "It doesn't matter," she murmurs. "If she finds out that I know...That I've known this entire time, and didn't…" She slides a hand to her temple, trying to ward off the sinking feeling she gets every time she imagines that particular scenario. "God. She'd think I was a monster."
I am a monster.
"Or a woman afraid of being blamed for something she had no control over," Aisha suggests. "Look, Maura, I've spent almost as much time with her as you have. I would call her fierce and brave. Loyal, funny and sarcastic, just like you. But the kindness? The sweet and gentle side that you tell me about? I don't see that. That's her with you. That means something."
She reaches out to take Maura's hand.
"You hold my hand," Maura says. "And you're not in love with me."
Aisha smiles mischievously. "Oh no?" she teases, squeezing Maura's hand when she simply looks her confusion. "Maybe I just know we're good as friends," she says. "Maybe I just know we need each other...as friends."
Maura squeezes back. She thinks it is probably true. She doesn't know where she would be without Dr. Hamilton and the firm, loving way she had pushed her into standing up for herself.
She is going to say as much when her phone pings.
"Three en route," she says, standing. "Are you on?"
"Nope, got off twenty minutes ago." Aisha stands too. "Maura. Tell her." She takes Maura's face in her hands. "If she reacts badly...if you lose her? I promise to be there to pick up the pieces."
Dr. Hamilton has the decency to look away while Maura attends to the tears in the corner of her eyes.
"That's enough now," she says, when Maura has composed herself. "Get going."
"I'll call you tonight," Maura says. "If I work up the courage to talk to her."
Aisha waves over her shoulder, heading toward the exit. "If you work up the courage to talk to her," she replies, "call me in the morning."