Maura wakes up with a headache. It is a heavy, muddy, sludge that parks itself directly behind her eyes. She blinks several times, and rolls over, away from the window. She can't remember the last time she was in bed when the sun was so high.
She glances at the clock next to the bed, 8:33am, and then rolls onto her back to stare at the ceiling. Aisha had called in to the hospital for her last night, telling them that Maura was taking the rest of the week for personal time.
Maura has nowhere to be. It is just another first in a long line of them.
She stretches out her arms, and her hands drifts over something small and crinkly. It is a post-it, filled up to the edge with Aisha's chicken scratch handwriting. Maura stares for a long second before realizing that she is holding it upside down. She turns it right.
If you're awake and it's before 8am, I am out grabbing Jesse. If you're awake and it's after 8am come down and have some breakfast. Thinks looks better with pancakes.
Maura smiles, despite her head, despite the fact that yesterday's events are rushing back at her like a cold draft. She pushes the covers back, trying not to think about all the mornings she woke up with Jane beside her. She'd begun to think of it as normal, to wake up to the sound of the shower running, Jane's soft humming floating through the cracked bathroom door.
She glances at herself in the mirror before realizing once again that she doesn't really have a reason to dress up. She squeezes her eyes shut for a second, so that she doesn't cry. She did enough crying last night to last her a lifetime. She'd relayed the entire story to Aisha, who had indeed been there when she got home.
Jane finding out she knew about the baby, but staying to comfort her after her testimony.
Maura, too tired to do anything but allow Jane to do so, until the horror at herself and her selfishness would not allow her to stay any longer.
Jane. Not asking her to stay.
Aisha had not said much, but she hadn't let go of Maura either, not for the entire night. She'd held her hand, and then she'd rubbed her back, and then finally, Maura drifted off with the other woman's fingers in her hair. They didn't feel anywhere near as good or as familiar as Jane's, but the comfort was undeniable.
"Thank you," she'd said, fighting sleep, her head in Aisha's lap, eyes dropping closed. "I don't know what I did to deserve you."
Where those Dr. Hamilton's lips grazing her temple like that? She couldn't be sure.
She couldn't be sure that Aisha actually said the words, "everything is going to be okay," or if she just imagined it.
She runs a hand through her hair in front of the mirror, shaking herself. She manages not to cry, to not even tear up this time. Where there were tears, now she can only feel that dull brown sludge, and the uneven throb of her headache.
Aspirin. Aspirin and a cup of coffee, she thinks to herself as she steps out into the hall.
She can hear Aisha and her son in the kitchen from the first landing, and she finds herself smiling again as the sound of Jesse giggling reaches her. She'd been apprehensive about him showing up, had thought maybe she should just stay upstairs where her bad mood wouldn't affect anyone. But now she finds that she wants to see him, wants very much to still be a part of something, rather than try to keep herself afloat alone.
She rounds the corner in time to see Jesse lift a wooden spoon full of batter to his mouth, lick it clean and then plop it back into the mixing bowl. His mother, with her back to him, does not see. When Maura makes a noise – shock, with a hint of disapproval – Jesse looks up, his eyes widening.
"Hi, Auntie Maura," he says innocently, grinning at her with his gapped and lopsided teeth. He has flower in his tightly cropped hair.
"Hello, Jesse," Maura says. "I see you've lost another tooth."
"Yeah," he says excitedly. "Trevor kicked this one out in Karate!"
Aisha turns to them, rolling her eyes. "That's better than the playground incident that lost you your eye tooth, I suppose."
"Trevor?" Maura questions. "I thought you weren't speaking to him."
Jesse shrugs, jumping up onto the stool by the breakfast bar, so that he can make a grab for the ladle. "We made up," he says simply. "He said he didn't mean to step on my iPod."
Aisha pours a bowl of eggs into a pan on the stove. "And his mother replaced it," she adds. "That helps."
Maura laughs, coming to sit down next to Jesse. He has succeeded in retrieving the ladle, and while his mother busies herself with the eggs, he looks at her slyly. "You want some waffle batter?" he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
"I think I prefer to wait until they're cooked," Maura says as Aisha spins to slide the bowl away from him.
"Don't think I don't know you've had your tongue in this batter, young man!" she says, her eyes belying the stern tone of her voice. "If your aunt and I come down with some dread disease because of your cooties, I expect you to take care of us both until the bitter end."
Jesse has a laugh like a hoot. He bats his eyes at his mother. "Cooties don't exist," he counters. "And you are both full of immunities from working at the hospital."
Aisha rolls her eyes at Maura. "You try to teach them, and then they use it against you," she says it sarcastically, but her face is kind and concerned. She holds out a cup of coffee. "How are you feeling, honey?"
Maura swallows hard. "I'm glad you two are here," she says shakily.
"Of course," Aisha says.
"Auntie Maura?" Jesse says looking up at her with his light brown eyes. "Do you want me to beat someone up for you?"
Maura says "No," at the same time that Aisha says, "Um, excuse me?"
Jesse wrinkles his nose. "What?" he asks his mother. "You told me I could learn Karate for protection. Don't I get to protect Maura?"
Aisha's face softens. Maura thinks maybe she was not quite as empty of tears as she'd believed.
"Protection is different than aggression," Aisha says gently. "It's sweet of you to want to protect Maura from things, but you only get to beat someone up if they are actively trying to do harm. And only after talking hasn't worked."
Jesse's mouth turns down in a comical sullen mask. "Oh-Kayy," he huffs. "Fiiiine."
"Well," Aisha says to Maura with a smirk. "I guess grumpy over there doesn't get the first pancake!" and she sets a steaming plate down in front of the doctor.
Jesse sits up straight, putting on a smile. "I'm ready!" he says eagerly. "See?"
Aisha chuckles, and produces two more plates, pulling up a stool so she can sit herself.
"Thank you for making this," Maura says. "It all looks wonderful."
Jesse cannot be diverted by the arrival of food. "Auntie Maura?"
"Yes, darling?"
"You're sad because you and your girlfriend are not girlfriends anymore, yeah?"
Maura glances at Aisha, and when she nods minutely, she nods too. "Yes," she says, hearing the wobble in her voice. "That's why I am sad."
Jesse's face darkens a little. "Did she hurt your feelings?"
"No," Maura says, trying to smile. "No…I think we just…It just wasn't meant to be."
Aisha makes a sound of disagreement at this, but when Maura raises an eye brow in her direction, she studies her coffee with fierce intensity until she looks away.
Jesse is smirking at her when she focuses her attention back on him.
"What's so funny?" she asks.
"Mama says you guys are gonna end up together," he says. "She says you just don't know it yet."
Maura's sputter is not as loud as Aisha's. "That is the last time I ever tell you a secret, Mister Man!" she scolds.
Maura doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Perhaps this is what it's like to end a relationship when there are people there to help you through it.
"You have to go to the hospital today?" she asks, nodding as Aisha gestures to her coffee.
"Nope! I'm supposed to take big mouth over here to get him some super cool new glasses for back to school." She narrows her eyes at her son. "Though now…."
Jesse grins at Maura. "You want to come with me? Help me pick them out?"
Maura hesitates for only one small moment. "Yes," she says. "Thank you."
…
…
The door rings before they can finish breakfast, and Jesse hops down from his stool and runs into the front hall.
"Is it shoes, Auntie Maura?" He calls back excitedly. "I like the ones with the super sharp points on the end!"
Aisha grins at her. "Don't we all," she murmurs.
Maura turns towards the hall, waiting for Jesse to call her to come sign, but when almost half a minute passes in relative silence, she calls out.
"Who is it, Jesse?"
A pause. "A police lady!" Jesse calls back. "Sorry. A police woman." There is another minuscule pause, and then Jesse's disgruntled voice again. "Sorry. A De-TECT-ive!" He over enunciates the word, and Aisha snorts.
Maura stands up, and then her body freezes, and she cannot move in any direction. Jane Rizzoli is in her front hallway, and she is just standing there, with syrup sticky fingers, not moving an inch.
"Breathe," Aisha whispers. "This is a good-" but then she breaks off, because Jesse and Jane appear around the corner.
Jane is wearing a plain white t-shirt and faded denim jeans. She has taken off her shoes, and one sock is purple, the other one gray. Her hair is down, and a little wild, and Maura wants to be in her arms.
Naked.
For a moment the four of them stand there, awkward, just looking between each other. Maura notices at that Jesse is studying Jane with a suspicious expression.
"Hello, Jane!" Aisha says brightly.
"Hi, Dr. Hamilton," Jane says slowly. She is glancing between them, her expression cloudy. Maura tries to discern what she is thinking. "I'm…sorry to interrupt. I just-"
"You weren't interrupting," Maura says quickly.
"Just breakfast," Jesse points out, still looking at her with pointed eight-year old intensity. "You like pancakes?"
Jane half grins at him. "Yeah," she says easily. "Are there people who don't?"
His expression lightens by a small degree. "Do you want one?"
Jane looks unsure. She glances at Aisha, and then at Maura again.
She looks upset, She looks…disappointed? Maura stares at her, trying to figure it out.
"No," Jane says, glancing down at the floor. "No. I'm intruding. I just wanted to make sure that-"
"You are not intruding," Aisha says firmly. She is still smiling like the cat who ate the canary, despite how glaringly awkward the situation seems to be. "Jess and I were just leaving."
Jesse's eyes snap up to his mothers. "What about my glasses?" he asks.
"That's where we're going now, batboy," she says breezily.
"But Maura was gonna-" Jesse's mouth closes with a snap at the warning look his mother gives him. He frowns and, clearly confused, he slouches over to Maura and puts his arms around her waist.
"Can I send a selfie of my glasses when I get 'em?"
"Of course," Maura says, hugging back. "I can't wait."
This seems to cheer him up, and after another look at Jane, he heads after his mother towards the door.
"Bye, Maura," Aisha calls. "I'll see you at the hospital on Tuesday! Good-Bye Jane! I'll see you again too, I'm sure."
This comment turns Jane's dismayed expression sour, and Maura realizes what is wrong immediately. The understanding nearly bowls her over.
She's jealous. She's jealous of Aisha.
Jane turns to face her as the door clicks shut, and Maura speaks quickly before the other woman can even open her mouth.
"We're not lovers!" she says, her adrenaline making her voice too loud.
Jane jumps slightly. "Um…okay?" she answers, raising her eyebrows.
"Aisha and I," Maura clarifies. "We're not lovers. We never have been. I would never leave your apartment the way I did last night, and then seek solace in intercourse with someone else."
Jane goes pink. "Okay," she says again, but this time she definitely sounds relieved. "Your phone is off," she continues after a second.
Maura looks around her, as though her cell is going to materialize out of nowhere. "Oh. I…I turned it off last night when I was upset. And then I forgot."
Jane nods. "I was really worried," she says, looking away. She lifts the hem of her shirt to reveal her service weapon, and then pulls it out of its clip holster and sets it on the counter. "Like, really worried," she says.
Maura takes a step closer to her. "I'm sorry I worried you."
"It's okay," Jane shrugs.
"It isn't," Maura insists. "I should have told you I was home safely."
"I should have asked you to stay."
Silence. Jane wrings her hands together nervously, her thumb and forefingers pressing rhythmically against the scars on her palms as she looks anywhere but Maura's face.
"Do you want help loading the dishwasher?" she asks.
Maura turns to survey the breakfast dishes. "Oh," she is about to say it's fine, but then Jane steps up beside her, and begins stacking plates, and their closeness makes her feel calm. "Thank you."
Jane smiles, glancing at her.
They are silent for a while longer. Maura marvels at how messy her friend and colleague is and wonders if it happens to everyone when a child comes into the picture.
"It was Hoyt that broke me and Kira up." Jane speaks out of nowhere, with her back facing Maura, who whirls to face her, eyes wide.
"He…" she struggles to catch up. "You and Kira?"
"Yeah," Jane says, still not looking at her. "When he got the drop on me, I thought he'd just kill me, you know? But he was kind of, I don't know, obsessed or something, and he kept me in a basement and…I guess you could call it torture…he tortured me for a while."
Maura holds her breath, trying not to ruin the moment, even if she's not sure what it is.
"I…when I started working to get better…I…" Jane rolls her shoulders. "I shut her out." Her voice drops low, and she sounds dangerous, although Maura guess she's mostly upset with herself.
"I didn't want to talk about what happened with her. I didn't want her to comfort me, and I didn't want to acknowledge that she might need comfort too. It felt too hard, and I felt so guilty that a mistake I made could hurt her the way it did. I thought if we just didn't talk about it, we could go back to normal. Everything would be like it was.
"She told me right out, too. She told me what she needed, and I didn't give it to her. She wanted to hold me if I cried about it, and she wanted to come with me to physical therapy. She wanted me to listen to how scared she was when I was missing, and about how horrible it was to see me in the hospital." Jane runs a hand through her hair, which serves only to make it wilder.
"I didn't do it," she says softly. "And she left."
Maura steps up to Jane and puts her hands around her waist from behind, pressing her face into the back of her neck.
"Jane."
"I should have told you," Jane says thickly. "I should have told you right away. Then it wouldn't have mattered if you knew. I should have told you, and then held you while you cried, and told you all the things I was thinking."
Maura shakes her head, swallowing her tears. "It's not your job to-" she begins.
But Jane turns to face her, pushing her away a little so that they can look each other in the face. "I want it to be," she says fiercely. "I want it to be my job to be there for you, Maura. Do you understand? If I'd had the guts to tell you in the first place what I was thinking…Things like: 'It's not your fault,' and, 'I don't blame you,' and, 'I'd do the exact same thing over and over and over to infinity if it kept you here next to me." Jane looks away, eyes bright.
Maura closes her eyes, and the phrases appear on the back of her eyelids, glowing.
Over and over and over to infinity.
"If I'd said those things, maybe it would have kept you from letting it eat at you like it has been."
Maura bats at a tear on her cheek. "And what about you? What about your grief, and the feelings eating away at you?" she asks, angry with herself for not being able to control her emotions.
"What about someone comforting you?"
Jane takes her hand. "I don't want someone comforting me, Maura," she says gently. "I want you to comfort me."
It does not seem possible. I cannot be possible.
"I killed-"
"Gomez killed my baby," Jane says firmly. "Your husband is responsible for hiring Gomez, because he didn't believe that you could be as kind and as gentle and as good as you are. This is in no way your fault. I never blamed you, and I never will."
Maura is crying. When Jane pulls her into her arms and kisses the side of her head, she presses her face to Jane's t-shirt and cries until she feels wrung out.
"You would have been a really good mother," she says. "You're going to be a really good mother. And I hope that you try again."
And I hope that I'm with you when you do.
She looks up at Jane to see that there are tear tracks on her face too, and when she reaches up to wipe them away, Jane kisses her wrist.
"Don't run away," Jane hums against her pulse. "Especially not to misleadingly eat breakfast food with a hot doctor and her adorable son."
Maura laughs. She wraps her arms around Jane's neck and kisses her.
God, it feels so good.
"Wait," Maura pulls back, narrowing her eyes. "You think Dr. Hamilton is hot?"
…
…
It is the afternoon when Maura remembers that she has something for Jane. They have spent their time on the couch, half watching the TV, and mostly kissing.
"This is going to break my mom's heart," Jane says against Maura's lips. "I think she was actually lurking in the parking lot waiting for you to leave. That's how fast she showed up. And I didn't even call her."
Maura pulls away to let the trickle of irritation at Angela dissipate, and Jane watches her face intently. Affectionately
"No one's ever stood up for me like that," she whispers, pushing some of the doctor's hair away from her face. "No one's ever stood up to Ma like that at all. Period."
"I'm sor-"
"Don't," Jane pulls her down against her chest, sighing when Maura slid her hands under her t-shirt. "It was so hot. I almost made her wait in the car so we could," she goes red. "You know..."
Jane laughs as Maura's hands contract against her ribs like they might tickle, and then gasps when they slip under her bra.
"I'm falling in love with you, Jane Rizzoli," Maura says against her ear. Why not lay all her cards on the table?
Why not try honesty from this moment on?
Jane's smile is gorgeous. Full. "Good," she murmurs. "Kiss me."
Maura does, but then pulls away as the memory comes to her. "Oh!"
Jane groans disappointedly. "No. Come back."
"Wait," Maura says, pulling herself up, laughing as Jane tries to hold her back. "No, Jane this is serious. I have something for you from Aisha."
Jane grumbles as Maura leaves for the guest room, returning with a little, cream-colored envelope.
She holds it out. "Here. She left you this."
Jane looks at it warily. "What is it?" she asks, pulling her legs into a pretzel as Maura sits beside her.
"I asked Aisha if she could determine whether the fetus was a boy or a girl. She was in the OR…she would have..." Maura trails off as understanding flickers in Jane's eyes.
She stares at the envelope, but doesn't move to take it.
"Why'd she write it?" she asks finally. "Why didn't she just tell you?"
"You should be the first to hear," Maura says. "You should get the privilege of sharing the knowledge with whomever you want."
Jane blinks at the envelope for another thirty seconds before slowly reaching out and taking it. For a long moment, she just looks at it.
"I don't," she takes a breath. "I can't know the answer without you," she says, just under a whisper. "I don't want to know without you."
Maura leans forward to kiss Jane's cheek. When she sits back, she leaves her hand against Jane's leg.
"I'm right here as long as you want me," she answers.
Jane nods. She takes another big breath, and slits the envelope open.
Maura watches Jane's face as she unfolds the piece of paper and begins to read. Her eyes fill up with tears and spill over, faster than Maura can move her hand from Jane's knee to her cheek.
But the brunette smiles. She smiles and closes her eyes, and more tears slip down her face.
She hands the letter to Maura, but she doesn't let it go.
She presses herself against the doctor until they are no longer sitting, but lying together, Jane almost on top, cocooned in her arms. Against her chest.
"Maura," she says thickly. "Can we stay like this for a while?" Maura slides her hands into Jane's hair, nodding against her forehead.
Jane sighs a heavy, contented sigh.
"God, that feels good," she mumbles. "Your hands in my hair are like home."
Maura smiles. She says, "I know exactly what you mean."
…
…
Hello Jane,
Although Maura has several cards on hand for a plethora of occasions, there is no card in existence that is appropriate when used to tell a grieving mother the gender of the baby she lost.
Please know that there was no pain, and no suffering, and that though cut short, the life inside of you was healthy and strong, and good.
You would have had a daughter.
Yours,
Aisha.