One of the things that Maura is sure she will never get used to is Jane's unwavering trust in her. Her boundless loyalty and love never fail to astound the doctor, not least of all because these emotions seem to be reserved exclusively for her.
Jane loses the next child.
After fourteen long months of treatments without result, they'd finally gotten pregnant. They'd thrown a party, and talked about finally getting rid of Jane's apartment, or getting rid of both their places, and moving someplace entirely new.
For nine weeks, they were both excited. Dazed and nervous, definitely, but also thrilled and eager and happy.
And then Jane miscarried, and the future seemed to sag and wash away like a wet piece of paper.
Maura is sure they will break up. Jane will blame her for this new heartbreak, and it will be too much to bare. But the days slide slowly by, and Jane takes no action that seems to indicate an exit strategy.
"We…could try again," Maura says in bed eleven days later. "Dr. Hicks says there's still a good possibility you could carry to term."
Jane tenses when Maura puts a hand on her shoulder, and then she rolls to face her. In the dark, it is hard tell what she's thinking.
"Okay," she says after a while. Her fingers push some of Maura's hair out of the way.
"Okay?" Maura doesn't know how to ask for confirmation any more clearly than that.
Do you still love me?
Do you still want this?
Are you okay? Please talk to me.
"Yeah," is all Jane says, but she moves without hesitation into their favorite sleeping position, pressing a kiss to Maura's neck.
"Love you," she murmurs.
"I love you too," Maura says, and she stays awake for a long time, listening to Jane's deep breathing.
When they meet with their fertility doctor for the second time since the miscarriage, Jane sits in the chair next to Maura and holds her hand, nodding at the appropriate times, but she doesn't really seem to be listening.
"How are you holding up, Jane?" Dr. Hicks asks. She came highly recommended by Aisha, and her face is both concerned and compassionate without tipping the scale towards pity.
"I'm good," Jane says automatically.
Maura frowns, and she sees Dr. Hicks mimic the gesture.
"You know it's perfectly alright to feel a whole range of emotions surrounding your miscarriage. Especially since this is not the first child-"
"Really," Jane says her voice firm and unwavering. "I'm fine. We can try again, right?"
"Yes," Dr. Hicks says. He frown has deepened, and she looks at Maura. "But I think you both should take some time. Talk to each other."
Jane looks at Maura too. "Are you having second thoughts?" she asks, her dark eyes searching Maura's face.
"What?" Maura answers, surprised. "No. Of course not, honey."
She presses Jane's hand between both of hers, and the other woman looks at her for a long moment before looking away.
"Okay," she says.
She doesn't sound convinced.
…
Aisha is in the waiting room when they emerge. She and Maura are working the night ER shift, and she's come to get Maura so that Jane can go directly home without dropping her off. Although she and Maura hug, she then turns and appraises Jane, and decides not to encroach on her personal space.
"I'm sorry," Aisha says. There is something about her tone that makes her sound genuine in all emotions. After the awkwardness of that morning in Maura's kitchen, Jane had warmed to her very quickly. Now she gives the doctors a tired, halfhearted smile.
"I'm…going to head out," she says quietly. "I'll see you in the morning, Mo."
Maura reaches out to pull Jane back as she walks away. She presses her lips to the corner of Jane's mouth.
"I love you," she whispers.
Jane holds on a little longer than normal, a little tighter. "I love you, too. See you at home."
And with a small wave at Aisha, she turns and strides out of the room.
Aisha waits until almost the end of the car ride, and then she appears to lose the internal battle with herself.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks, as though unable to help herself. "Is she okay? Are you okay? Is it over?"
Maura shakes her head, not because she means no, but because she has no idea how to answer any of her friend's questions, and anyway she is too choked up.
Aisha squeezes her knee, and doesn't ask anything more.
The night in the ER is mercifully slow, and 6:45 the next morning finds her sliding into bed next to Jane in only her underwear. She doesn't bother to put pajamas on.
Jane is on her side, facing away, and Maura inches up behind her, fitting herself into the shape that Jane's body has made.
"I'm home," she whispers softly. "I love you."
She is about to close her eyes and try to settle into sleep when Jane speaks, making her start.
"I'm sorry, Maura," Jane says quietly,
Maura props herself on her elbow as Jane rolls onto her back. "What?"
"I'm sorry. I... maybe it was selfish of me to want to try again." she finishes this sentence like a question, her cadence fading upwards at the end. "I never meant to hurt you."
Maura reaches out to cup Jane's face. "No," is all she can say for a long while. "No!"
She lifts the covers up and moves so that she is sitting on top of her girlfriend, straddling her. Jane's eyes wander down her chest.
"I thought..." she begins. "I thought you were mad at me. Today at the doctor. It took so long and then I fucked it up. And I just want use to...Jesus, is that the bra you wear to work? I can't concentrate!"
Maura leans down to catch Jane's eyes, not diverted "I could never be mad at you over this, Jane," she says clearly. "I was trying to let you process in your own time. If you want to try again, we'll try again. I'm worried about how you're handling the disappointment, but I love you. I love you so mu-"
This is as far as she gets. Jane presses up and kisses her, tentatively at first, and then harder when Maura responds at once. Here is another thing she is slow to get used to: that her body reacts to her girlfriend in ways she hadn't believed possible.
"I love you," she murmurs as Jane kisses along her jaw and down to her chest. "I love you. We can try again."
Jane bites at her collarbone. She pulls Maura closer, hand pressing against the middle of her back.
"I love you, too," she says, just this side of breathless.
She slips her hands up Maura's sides. "Can I?" Maura nods, and gets goosebumps at the feel of fingers on her ribcage, and then, suddenly, under her bra.
"God," she groans. "Jane."
"I need you," Jane rumbles. "I want to feel you. I kept thinking you wouldn't come home. That I didn't try hard enough to tell you how I was feeling, and you'd go and then what would I do? I just kept…I…fuck, you're so soft." Jane flips them.
She kisses Maura's neck, but her hands are already lower, slipping the doctor's hips out of her underwear.
"Okay? Too tired?"
Five minutes ago, Maura would have said that she was too tired for this. Now her entire body is awake and on edge.
"Touch me," she whispers against Jane's ear. "God. Touch me."
Jane obliges, groaning as she does.
"You feel so good," she hums, making Maura squirm. She pushes two fingers inside her, pulls them out, and then presses back in. "So good," she repeats, and her lips are on Maura's shoulder, on her collarbone. They linger on the sensitive rise of a nipple.
Lower, lower, her fingers never stopping.
Maura is panting.
"I'm so close," she says, eyes shut tight.
Jane smiles against the inside of her thigh. "Me too," she growls. "Ready?"
Maura's answer is lost in her gasp as Jane's mouth replaces her fingers.
Her orgasm makes the world dim for a moment, like lights in a brown out. She feels Jane's hands on her hips, keeping her in place, drawing the feeling out until Maura can't take it anymore. She tugs gently on the hair wound around her fingers, and Jane makes her way up the doctor's body, kissing as she goes.
"I love you so much," Jane says softy. "You know that don't you?"
"And I love you," Maura murmurs back.
They should talk. Maura should force herself into full consciousness and they should have a real conversation about feelings, and futures, and fears.
But the night shift, combined with the power of her climax, is already pushing her toward slumber, and all she manages to do is roll into her girlfriend's arms, kissing the skin closest to her mouth sleepily.
"I'll hold you until I have to get up for work," Jane says. She pulls Maura tighter her, kissing her head.
"Jane," Maura tries, her mouth clumsy. "We should-"
"Hush," Jane says. "Right here."
Maura doesn't know if she manages an answer.
…
…
Jane and Angela fight.
Jane is gearing up to try again, working late at the precinct to close her open cases, and finish her paperwork, and although Angela could not be happier at the prospect of a grandchild, she is slow to warm to the idea of Maura's continued presence.
The comment that ignites the argument is a throwaway remark from the older Rizzoli. Another Sunday dinner is coming to an end, and Frankie, and Jane are clearing the table, while Maura and Angela linger over their coffee.
Tommy and Frank senior have both retired to Maura's living room, making good on the promise that if they "came and sat through dinner, they could watch the game on the 60inch television."
Both the doctor and the detective had been careful, during dinner, to steer the conversation towards safe topics: the weather, the job that Mayor Marty Walsh is doing, and the shopping that Angela hopes to get done before the holiday season is fully upon them.
But now that it is just the two of them, Angela falls into her favorite topic of conversation. Maura thinks she takes a perverse pleasure in their pregnancy struggles, as well as in the sadness she claims to feel at having no one for which to purchase tiny shoes.
"Jane's not so very old," Maura says now, smiling slightly as Jane snorts on her way to the kitchen with a serving dish. "She's thirty seven. Women have had children long after that age."
Angela nods. "I said that to Frank the other evening, and he said he didn't think it had anything to do with her age."
"Yes," Maura says, "It could be-"
"He says it might be God's way of letting the two of you know he doesn't totally approve."
For a moment, there is silence. Angela has made this declaration with a perplexing combination of boldness and regret, like she didn't quite believe it, but also could not restrain herself from saying it.
Maura does not feel anger at the statement, but rather a deep and resounding sadness at the other woman's need to press religion into a place where it doesn't belong.
"Enough," It's Jane who speaks first, striding out of the kitchen, dishtowel still over her shoulder. "That's enough now, Ma. You have to make a choice."
Her voice brings Tommy to the doorway between the living room and dining room, and Maura sees Frankie framed by the doorway to the kitchen.
"Jane," Angela begins, but the detective doesn't let her continue.
"No," says firmly. "You don't get to come into our house and say horrible shit like that. And what's worse, Ma, is that tomorrow, you'll call Maura and ask her a thousand questions about the nursery she's planning, like you never did anything wrong."
Angela's eyes are wide and wounded. "Well excuse me for being excited about the birth of my first-"
"But that's just it," Jane interrupts again. "That's why I'm telling you to make a choice. You can be happy that we're trying, or you can be devastated that we're defiling your religion, but you can't have it both ways!"
Behind her, Maura sees Frankie look impressed and amused.
"I'm not-" Angela tries again.
"Maura and I are going to be a family," Jane continues over her. "We want kids, and whether I have them, or she does, or we abduct a kid out of a stork's bundle, which is how you and Pop told me babies were born until I was sixteen!
"We're going to be parents. And you can be its loving, doting, wonderful Nona, or you can be my mother, who doesn't get to see her grandkid because she can't stop vomiting garbage."
Silence falls at the end of the speech, and Maura is about to try and say something to change the subject, when Tommy calls from the doorway.
"Wait, Ma, babies don't come from the stork?"
Frankie guffaws. "Come into the kitchen, little brother, I'll show you how our sisters are doing it. Hey, Jane, where's your turkey baster?"
Jane snorts, grinning, and she turns back to the kitchen, smacking Frankie in the back of the head as she goes.
Angela does not apologize that night, but it is also the last time she comments on Jane and Maura's relationship.
Maura takes this as a victory.
Though the argument with her mother seems to refocus Jane's determination regarding pregnancy, Maura still feels like the brunette is holding something back from her.
They go together to the insemination appointment, and when they are left alone in the exam room, Maura gives Jane an orgasm, pressing her forehead to her girlfriend's sweaty one at the moment the pleasure hits her, and murmuring how in love she is.
Jane's eyes fall shut, her breathing coming in short bursts. They've done this six times out of the nine they've been here, Jane finally overcoming her worry that they'd be walked in on.
"I love you, sweetness," Maura says now.
Jane's brow furrows. "Forever?"
Maura nods, caught a little bit off guard. "Yes," she says softly. She kisses Jane's cheek. "Forever."
Jane's eyes open, and Maura is just able to make out the question there before Dr. Hicks' gentle knock comes from the other side of the door.
Jane looks away, struggling to sit up, and Maura straightens her sweater.
…
It turns out that the 9th time's the charm. Jane gets pregnant, and she stays that way as the first six weeks tick by.
Eight weeks, Nine weeks, Ten.
In four days, they are going to have their first trimester checkup, and Maura decides that she can no longer postpone the discussion that she and Jane have been avoiding.
So she catches her girlfriend one morning, as she stares into the refrigerator, and turns her around so that they are eye to eye.
"Talk to me," she says firmly. "Tell me what's going on."
"Nothing's going on, Maura," Jane says, but she drops her eyes to the ground, a dead giveaway.
"You know, your tell may not be as visible or as itchy as my hives," Maura says with a little smile, "but I can tell when you are hiding things from me." She puts her arms around Jane's waist, rubbing her hands up to her shoulder blades and then back down. "Are you scared that this pregnancy isn't going to work out?"
"No!" Jane says quickly. "I mean, yes. But…it's not…It's nothing," Jane sighs deeply, though she doesn't pull away.
"I mean. We decided we wouldn't celebrate until we were absolutely sure, right? So there's no reason to be scared…or to be excited."
Maura tries to decipher the tone in her girlfriend's voice.
"We can be both," she says finally. "Just because we're still in a sort of limbo, doesn't mean-"
"I want to marry you." Jane mumbles the words as quickly as possible, cutting her off, and so for a moment, Maura is sure that she's misheard.
"What?"
Jane looks up at her, and then away, a smile tugs at her lips. "I want to marry you," she says more clearly. "I...want to spend the rest of my life with you, regardless of children."
Maura stares at the woman in front of her, trying to convince herself that what is happening is not a hallucination brought on by nerves and worry.
"I...want that too," she says after a moment. "But, why does that make you-"
"You do?" Jane searches her face. "You wouldn't resent me? For putting you through all of this?"
Maura puts her hands on either side of Jane's face so that she can't look away. "You," she says slowly. "Have not put me through anything."
Jane shakes her head as much as she can with the doctor restricting her movements. "What if I can't do it?" she asks. "What if I can't get pregnant? Will you still want to get married to me?"
Maura pulls her hands away, frowning. "What is this about?" she asks. "Have I ever given you any reason to doubt that I love you?"
Jane shakes her head. "No," She says. "I worry that I have."
Maura swallows the follow-up comment she'd had ready as Jane's words settle. She pushes Jane so that she is sitting on a stool in front of the breakfast bar, and then steps between her legs, draping her arms gently on her shoulders.
"What are you talking about?" she asks gently.
Jane sighs. "I…want to be a mother," Jane says quietly. "I…I feel like from the moment we got together, from the moment we realized that you and I really have something, we've been talking about getting pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, or…losing a baby."
Maura nods, but she doesn't interrupt, because Jane's face is set in the expression she gets when articulation is hard, and Maura wants to hear this thought all the way to the end.
"You have been," Jane makes a vague gesture with her hands. "You are so great. You're sweet, and sexy, and you pick me up every time something happens. You're right there, saying we can try again. Saying you don't blame me."
"I don't-" Maura can't help herself.
"I know," Jane says, with a little headshake. "But," Jane pulls away from her and stands up. She reaches into the pocket of her jeans and pulls out a ring.
Maura feels her mouth drop open.
"I know," Jane repeats. "And when I got this, I had it in my head that…I'd get pregnant, I'd propose to you, and we'd live this happily ever after life that I'd never really thought was possible."
"Jane…"
"And then I lost the baby. And I saw it in your face when they told us. I saw how scared you were." Jane runs her free hand through her hair, eyes not leaving the ring. "I saw how scared you were, and I realized that you were scared of me. You thought that if I couldn't get pregnant again, that I'd begin to blame you for it. Even though I said I never would."
Maura crosses her arms over her chest, willing herself not to cry. She isn't sure if she's always been so transparent, or if no one has ever cared to look so closely before.
"And I thought, 'I don't deserve to marry this woman,'" Jane continues. She drops the ring down to her side. "I thought, 'I've done such a shitty job showing her how…even if we're both barren as hell, and Child Services refuses to even give us a seventeen year old who ages out in a month, that I want to spend my whole life with her."
Maura chokes out a laugh. "Child services has too many children to place to be so choosy as to not let us adopt a child," she says.
Jane grins at her. "This is the last one," she says. "This is the last try. If it doesn't…hold, we'll talk about something else." Jane shrugs. "Or we won't."
She holds the ring out to Maura, looking hopeful. "Or we'll really talk about something else…like…what you'd wear?"
And Maura rushes to put her arms around Jane, pressing their lips together again and again, laughing until she has to turn away to wipe her tears.
"So you'll marry me?" Jane asks, grinning.
"Of course I will," Maura says. She puts her head on Jane's shoulder and lets the other woman sway them back and forth.
"Don't you know that you're everything in the world to me?" Jane says into her hair. "I'm gonna spend forever telling you that. You don't have to prove it to me by…holding out hope for a pregnancy when there might not be one."
And Maura holds tighter, shaking her head a little against Jane's collarbone. "I love you," she says.
Jane hugs her, and then lifts her off her feet with a whoop of excitement.
"We're getting married!"
…
They go to their 10 week checkup and the 16week checkup, and both times they ask not to be told anything except that the pregnancy is still progressing normally.
They arrive for their scheduled 20 week checkup, and as Jane climbs grudgingly into the stirrups, she tells Maura that she hopes they don't get the same ultrasound technician from their first two appointments.
"I don't know if it was her first day or what, but she looked queasy both times, remember?"
Maura nods thoughtfully. "Maybe she was nervous," she offers. "Our chart must show the majority of our history."
Jane grunts, but doesn't get to say anything else, because the door opens at that moments, and Dr. Hicks steps in.
She's holding Jane's chart, and she looks more cheerful than Maura can remember seeing her.
"Hello, you two," she says brightly. "I'll be doing your ultrasound today. I hope that's agreeable."
Jane looks about as pale and nervous as Maura feels. "What's wrong?" she asks immediately. "What did my bloodwork say? Is something wrong? Should we have come back sooner?"
"Breathe, Jane," Dr. Hicks says, pressing her hand to the gentle swell of Jane's stomach. "Everything looks just fine. You're maybe a little underweight, but that's nothing a couple helpings of pasta can't fix."
"Underweight?" Maura questions, stepping up to take Jane's hand. "She's only twenty weeks. She's maybe even a little overweight for that stage."
"Thank you, darling," Jane deadpans.
Dr. Hicks laughs. "No, you're right, Maura. Jane would be considered a bit overweight for this stage in pregnancy."
"Um, Guys? Can we stop saying that I'm overweight?" Jane asks. "I'm on my back, my pants have elastic, and I'm feeling a little vulnerable."
Maura puts her free hand absently on Jane's head. "I'm sorry," she says. "Then I'm afraid I don't understand."
And if possible, Dr. Hicks' smile grows even wider.
"Jane is considered underweight in this case because she's pregnant with triplets."