Clary woke up in midday sunlight to a bed that held an echo of warmth. Though the sheets were pulled back and Jace was no longer next to her, she could hear him through the open doorway. She was still naked, and his silk sheets felt so good against her skin that she relaxed for just a moment more before slipping from the bed. She paused as she moved to slip on one of Jace's too-big shirts, opting to instead go without clothes entirely.

Why are you doing this? Do you have any respect for your body or-

Clary cut the Voice off, silencing her mind. She felt peaceful, content. Plus, she didn't have to wear clothes, so why should she?

It was strangely liberating, walking past the floor to ceiling windows in just her skin and blush. It made her feel vulnerable, anyone could look up and see all of her, but Clary remembered the way Jace's lips felt on her own, her body yielding to his hands, her heart fluttering in his presence, and she started to think that vulnerability wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

Jace heard her footsteps as she crossed the threshold into the kitchen, his broad-shouldered back turned towards her. She needed more training if he could hear her so precisely. "I started making pancakes, but I didn't have any milk so they're gonna turn out to be more of crepes than anything," he said, flipping one of said pancakes on the stove. The warmth and the humbling scent of batter mixed in the air, but Clary's feeling's contrasted quite drastically with the modest atmosphere. All she could see was the tense and release of Jace's muscles, the broadness of his back, the narrowness of his waist. She closed her eyes and felt the echo of his mouth on her thighs, on her sex, the whisper of his tongue as pleasure coursed through her. She breathed in deeply and opened her eyes. She wanted to make him feel what she felt, what he made her feel.

Distantly she could hear his words from last night too. ' I need you…to need me.'

Clary didn't like to admit it but she did need him. To help find those men…and because she just….liked him.

Stop that! The Voice was starting to get on her nerves.

You don't need Jace, you survived for 17 years without him, the only thing you need is yourself

And me.Clary brushed the thought away. She didn't like being at odds with the Voice. Didn't like how every word that it-she-whatever the Voice was- thought conflicted with her own. She couldn't even remember when that started happening. But she pushed that away too, she'd deal with it later, because Jace was talking again, and she leaned against the doorframe to bask in the tenor of his voice.

"Carlin's hosting another party in a month or two so I thought we'd stay with the Lightwood's-" he started to turn around, pancake pan in one hand and a spatula in another, "-and train you some mor-" His golden eyes landed on Clary's body and the pan and spatula clattered as they hit the ground.

"Morning" Clary smirked, and unfolded herself from the wall.

Jace stood gaping just slightly at her as she sauntered towards him, his eyes flicking up and down, leaving no inch of her body unseen and not an inch without the tingling sensation that accompanied his gaze. It felt as if he was touching her with every flicker of his iris, like the batting of his eyelashes were the flutter of his fingers against her sides, and the heat in those pools of gold was returned in the blaze of desire in her core. "Morning" he whispered back in a rough voice, so low it made Clary's breath speed up. She was close enough to kiss him now, but she settled for laying a delicate hand against his chest.

"What's this all about." He muttered before dipping his head to plant a kiss on her shoulders, teeth nipping and tongue fluttering against her skin.

"I wanted to be naked."

"I can see that," his chuckle was sensual and one of the sexiest things Clary had ever heard. "I can feel it too…" he murmured as he ran calloused hands down her sides, dipping to caress her inner thighs before molding them to the dip in her back, pressing her body to his.

She took one of his hands and brought it to her chest, so he could cup one of her small but full breasts. She caught his mouth with her own, running her tongue against the seam of his lips before pulling away just enough to tease his lips with hers as she talked. "I wanted to be naked," she started again, voice low, and ran her hands down his front, teasing the zipper of his pants with her fingertips. "when I sucked your cock."

Jace let out a scattered exhale as Clary revelled in the power her words had. He was hard already, had been steadily growing since he'd seen her naked, waiting for him, but now he was rock solid against her palm. She groaned at the weight of him as she slipped him into her open palm, twisting his jeans so they rested below his hips. Jace's knees wobbled as she stroked him, and so he sat down on the kitchen table for support. Clary lowered herself to her knees, fitted herself between Jace's thighs and looked up at him from beneath her eyelashes. He didn't last long when she started to work him, licking up his length just to suck on the tip, then engulfing him in the warmth of her mouth. He groaned, their eyes still connected, and Clary moaned with him still in her mouth, if only because she knew he loved that. He gritted his teeth and a hand gripped her hair lightly.

Clary dipped her head down, still teasing the tip of him with her tongue, but as she bobbed back up she dragged her teeth lightly against him, making him grit his teeth and hiss out his reath, a strangled cry trapped behind his lips.

Without warning he came.

She looked him in the eyes as she swallowed, and she could swear that his eyes sparked with arousal again.

"I'd better get some clothes on before going to the Lightwood," she smiled at him, all pearly white teeth and innocence even though she was still in between his knees. Though he'd never admit it, Clary could see blush tinting his tanned cheeks. Clary giggled at the absurdity of it- she'd made Jace -of all people- blush. As Clary walked away she looked over her shoulder, caught Jace's eye, and winked.

His laughter followed her all the way to the bedroom.

Clary finished dressing, pulling on underwear from her bag (she needed new ones that weren't torn and old) and leggings. One of Jace's shirts came next, and Clary was just shoving all the papers and bills she'd confiscated into the bottom of her bag as Jace walked in. She zipped her backpack up as fast as possible and straightened, trying not to look too guilty. She didn't want Jace seeing those papers, not when it had documents on Luke, not when she still could barely trust herself.

Jace didn't seem suspicious, but his arms crossed over his chest, and that kind of body language was never a good sign.

Your doing the right thing. The only thing you can trust is me, and yourself.

The Voice might be right...but Clary wanted to trust Jace. She wanted...wanted him to trust her back.

"Ready to go?" Jace asked, offering her a hand. She took it and held on as they made there way out the door of the apartment. The were to take the back alley way into the parking garage, one or two policemen were still lingering in the lobby.

"I didn't have much to take," Clary joked, forcing a laugh. It was sad, almost, how she owned nothing but rage, revenge, and a few papers.

you have yourself. And that's more than enough.

Clary knew she still listened to the Voice for a reason, the wash of relief at the words comforting her in a familiar embrace.

Jace was scowling as they got into his car, the fluorescent lights of the underground garage grating against his golden skin. "I'll have Isabelle take you out, buy you some real clothes." He shook his head and turned to her before starting up the car. There was regret in his eyes, a kind of self-loathing and disgust. Clary was confused until he cupped one of her cheeks and let out a breath. "I can't believe I've let you go this long without offering that. I can't believe how selfish- how careless- I've been-" Clary cut him off with a kiss.

"You are no such thing. You took me off the streets..."Clary rested her forehead against his. "I owe everything to you." The realization shocked her. How selfish and terrible she'd been, to even think of using him-

selfish? terrible? Bah, never! Try smart, cunning, wise! You aren't him Clary, you're more, you're better-

no she was nothing. She was so terrible to him, and it was hitting her now, as she leaned back in the seat and Jace pulled into the street, that she really did owe him. And god if she did leave him after all this, if she just used him for sex and clothes and shelter and then walked away- she was no better than her father. She was stooping to Valentine's level, treating Jace like he was some whore for her to push aroun-

STOP! You're being smart! Don't you see!

What do you think he's keeping you around for? Love?! Don't be so goddamn foolish!

Clary was suddenly reminded of her first night at the Lightwood's, when he ushered her into his room just so they could fuck, just so he could use her, as she was using him. That was their agreement in the first place. She looked at Jace, watching the light of the world outside create contours on his perfect face. He glanced over, surprised to see her already staring. A smirk flit across his lips, cocky and true to himself- completely opposite of the shivering mess she'd encountered last night when she'd first came through the door.

There was hunger in his gaze now, lust and respect and some kind of admiration for sure, the exact same feelings she felt for him, but love?

No.

Love was something so foreign to the both of them that Clary doubted she would ever find it in his gaze.

But last night she'd thought...she'd wondered at the sparkle in irises, the parting of his lips, she felt...

Nothing. You felt nothing, you should feel nothing, it's better that way.

Love

is

useless.

Clary turned away and stared at the passing buildings, the crowds of people bustling to work. Something deep in her chest, something that had started beating last night, when she thought the name Jace sounded synonymous with home, slowly sputtered to a stop. No. Love would get her nowhere in this world. Besides

Who

would love

her

anyways.

She pretended to sleep the rest of the drive to the Lightwoods mansion, something unfamiliar biting deep inside her where her heart should be, something Clary had thought she'd stopped feeling, something even the Voice's reassurances couldn't shake. It was cold. It was bitter. Desperate.

It was loneliness.

Clary didn't walk two steps into the Lightwood's before being engulfed in a hug. Isabelle had pulled her close and due to their height differences Clary's head was pillowed against her very generous chest.

Not exactly a bad position to be in.

"Red!" she cheered and pulled Clary away to look her over. "I'm so happy you're back! Jace stole you away and I thought I'd never see another girl my age ever again!" She tugged at Clary's too-big shirt, her gaze lingering over her worn leggings. "I'll have to take you shopping, these clothes just won't do."

Clary smiled at her, big and genuine. Clary hadn't ever had a friend before...but Isabelle seemed like she'd make a good one. A great one actually. The cold inside her bit again, nipping painfully.

Isabelle would be just another person you have to use. No attachments.

Clary wanted friends. But revenge-

comes first. Always.

"Yah these are getting pretty gross" Clary faked a smile, gesturing at the cloth hanging over her body. A light flickered in Isabelle's eyes, her dark gaze knowing too much as it once again flicked over her body, taking in the prominent bones, the scars layering her skin, instead of the loose fitting clothes.

"Come on," she said in that pretty voice of hers. "Let's get you in the bath. The boys have to talk anyways." Her eyes were like daggers over her shoulder, digging into Alec's icy eyes.

"Yah," Alec drawled, catching onto Izzy's tone but not quite why she was using it. "Yes. Yes we have-um-I need to-ugh...talk to Jace about..."his hand twirled as Clary could almost see the wheels in his head churn into motion, trying with all their might to create a lie. "ummm...Mayrse? And...Max?" He looked at Isabelle for confirmation but she just sighed and dragged Clary towards the stairwell leading to their rooms. "Yes." she heard alec say as they made their way upward. "They're coming to the institute tomorrow. Apparently, they have a meeting with Jonathan in the next few days..." Alec's rambling trailed off as Clary shouldered her backpack and braced for Isabelle's upcoming inquisition.

The brunette speed-walked to her room and shoved Clary in, and before she could say a word Isabelle pounced on her...not literally though. That would be...more exciting than this. "Is he hurting you?!" she whisper-shouted, clutching Clary's shoulders. "Because i know Jace, and even though I don't think he would ever hurt a woman he was with I'm not going to think twice if he's done something to hurt you. You can tell me okay? Because your clothes are in tatters and you're so skinny and pale and ohmygod I just want to help-"

"Isabelle" she cut off in a calm voice that she didn't know she owned. "Isabelle I'm fine, he hasn't done anything. I just..." Clary shook her head. Isabelle pushed a pile of clothes from the foot of her bed so they could sit down, and Clary quickly took note of the cluttered space. Clothes were everywhere, sparkled and bedazzled and hanging all over the furniture and floor. With the paint job of gold and silver and black the whole thing looked like a tornado of glitter...she loved it.

"Listen," Clary started, "I left Jace's for a night or two, walked to my old house. We kind of...had a fight. It was nothing...I've just had a rough couple of days."

Clary really did want to tell her. About the men, her mother, about her quest for revenge. Isabelle would understand. Isabelle could help-

Isabelle will be nothing but a distraction. She's just as useful as Jace. Being friends will only hinder you.

Clary stopped the story from stumbling from her lips. She gave Izzy a tight smile. She didn't know how she let jealousy make her hate Isabelle Lightwood. The girl was so beautiful...and...and if Clary wasn't hung up on revenge or Jace, she might even be interested in her.

"I want to dye my hair" Clary blurted out, not realizing why. She didn't want to dye her hair. She probably should- she'd been thinking about it since that news report- but she didn't want to.

Izzy's eyebrows raised in surprise. "I have a few boxes of temporary stuff...what colour were you thinking?' Clary shrugged.

"Any colour will do...I just"she swallowed and tried to hide her blush. What would Izzy think if she knew Clary was stupid enough to get herself caught up with the police? "Red is too recognizable."

Realization dawned in the girl's eyes. "Ah...I've gotten into a few scandals myself. That's actually why I always keep a good box of dye handy, to disappear for a while." She ran an appraising glance down Clary's body. "I think honey-blond will do nicely, liven up your pale complexion. and after that, we'll get you clothes, food, then actually shop for clothes that fit you. Sound good?"

Clary nodded. It was nice to be cared for, she thought. Nice to have a frie-

Not a friend.

The cold spread to her lungs. It was necessary. To make these alliances. Necessary. To kill those men.

Necessary.

Even if Clary still got joy from it. In the end, joy didn't matter.

If she's learned anything from the Voice and her father, that was it. That joy wasn't a necessity. And maybe the tremble of apprehension that racked her body was at the thought of a joyless life. But maybe it was at the thought that the Voice and her father had something (had many somethings) in common.

Maybe it was doubt- at if her safety net was actually safe.

Sorry for the short update guys (this ended up being a super long chapter so I split it into two and decided to post this part first. Thanks all for sticking around, I really do try to write but I only get inspired once in a while (and sadly don't have the time to motivate myself lol) Anyways I love you all-remember that, and I hope you enjoyed the tiny bit of smut in the beginning. Next chapter is gonna be real tense and heavy on the emotional developement and relationship development.

THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT REVIEWED! I'm sorry I haven't really replied I just honestly don't have the time rn... But yes, know that I read all your ideas and thoughts and I love absolutely every one of them!

See y'all later, Lovestory112! :)