Some cringe-y talk about sex with godawful phrasing. Pretty awkward. You've been warned.
Clary pulled at the belt clinching the fabric at her waist, Isabelle's jean shorts too big for her smaller hips. The belt Clary was wearing didn't help much, slipping around every couple of minutes as the three assassins walked down the halls of the mall. Clary hadn't been to a mall this big or fancy before, and though it kind of overwhelmed her, it was also exhilarating. Jace pulled her closer to his side as they walked, Clary sipping on the mixed berry smoothie they'd bought at breakfast. She'd woken up to Jace between her legs again, and after returning the sentiment they'd dressed, gotten a big breakfast with 'muscle building' fatty foods, and headed to the nearest mall to look for clothes that actually fit Clary.
She honestly didn't know why Isabelle made such a big deal about her not having her own clothes. She was just going to wear Jace's shirts anyways.
Jace's arm was wrapped around her shoulders, less of a claim (although the heavy weight of it did hint at a possessive streak), and more of a comforting closeness. Clary liked it. She imagined what they must look like; her with her blonde-strawberry hair and too-big clothes, him with his black outfit and dazzling bad boy curls, his arm curling her close and his fingers playing with the ends of her hair. They must've looked like a couple from a movie poster, or an obscure perfume ad, and Clary loved it. She felt her hand move, on its own accord, raising past her hip towards the tips of Jace's brilliant fingers. She wanted their finger tips to meet, to slide her own over the small bones of his hand, covered by just a thin sheet of golden skin. She wanted to feel him in a way no one could deny, to touch him in a place where he wouldn't feel arousal, but wonder. The same way his arm on her shoulders made her wonder. She wanted to hold his hand.
But that'd be too weird. Right? They'd never been intimate besides sex before, and starting that now, in public, and maybe he'd reject you, he'd push you awa-
Clary shook her head. The Voice wasn't real, the Voice was her, she was the Voice, and either way it could just fuck off.
Clary did drop her hand, though. And it felt a little bit like defeat.
"So, I'm thinking we stop by Victoria's Secret to get you a nice pair of underwear too. If you'd like that?" Isabelle said, grinning as she winked at Jace. When Clary glanced at him she seen keen interest in his eyes, a dark pleasure at the thought of a nice pair of underwear adorning Clary's body. Clary chuckled, because of course Jace would want to buy her lingerie.
"Sounds good," she replied just as Jace murmured a quiet "Hell yes." She laughed as they moved towards the opening of the boutique.
It was almost overwhelming, the amount of delicate lace and thick padding and colour- there were so many colours. Isabelle didn't catch onto Clary's discomfort, and pulled her and Jace to look at a rack of lacy push up bras. While she stared at a beautiful baby blue set, Clary realized she didn't know how to feel about lingerie. She wanted to look good for Jace, she wanted to feel sexy, but she also didn't want to market her body like it was an object. She didn't want to be her mother.
Jace felt her tense and pulled her from Isabelle. He leaned his head down to whisper in her ear, his breath intimately brushing the side of her neck. "Buy something for yourself, Clary." He breathed her name so quietly, even she could only barely hear it. But it helped, to have him know her, to have him reassure her, not the nicknamed killer Isabelle and Alec knew. Jace knew Clary. "Don't worry about looking a certain way, just...just buy whatever you like."
Clary smiled against him, turning her face into his chest. Intimate. Today they were being very intimate. Clary felt it hit her like a drug,and high on their closeness she whispered, "But you need to like it to."
"I really don't, Bondie." Jace laughed.
"Oh, but you do." She twisted a hand into the front of Jace's shirt, pulling him closer to her. "If you're going to be fucking me in them, then I want you to like what you see." Clary felt Jace huff a breathy laugh, and his big hand ran down her back, heavy and sensual. A promise.
"I like black. Black lace." He whispered down to her. She nodded against him, and finally pulled her face way from the warmth of his chest.
"I like this shirt," she smoothed her hands over the front. Sometimes she wished she could disappear from the world, and in Jace's arms, snuggled into his chest, it sometimes felt like she did, like she traveled to a safer, warmer universe.
"Well, you'll probably steal it at some point." Jace's amber eyes smiled down at her. "You steal all of my clothe-"
A high voice came from behind Clary's back, cutting Jace off. It was high, breathy, and probably sexy to some people. "Jace!" it exclaimed, and Clary took in Jace's contained frustration before spinning around. "Jace, what in the world are you doing here!?" A very curvy woman came towards them, wearing the Victoria Secret uniform and a full face of makeup. She was gorgeous, in a weird asymmetrical way, fae-like and whimsical. Her hair was long and so blonde it was almost white, and her eyes were an ice blue. They were cold, not just the colour but the emotion in her gaze, as they stared at Jace's face. His lips were pressed in annoyance as he pushed out the words, "Hi, Kaelie."
"Hi, Kaelie?!" the woman guffawed as she came to a stop before them, plopping a hand on her hip. Her nails were long, white, and definitely fake. She waved them around as she talked. "You lead me on for a year and then don't talk to me for a solid month and all you have to say is hi?!"
Clary held down her jealousy at the fact that this woman and Jace were together, for an entire year at that. She wasn't even jealous of the intimacy, but rather the amount of time they'd had together. Clary had only gotten a month of Jace's time. A month. Not even that.
"I texted and called you over 15 times, Jace! I thought you were dead!" Kaelie shrieked, swinging an acrylic tipped hand right beside Clary's face to poke at Jace's chest. Clary took the pointed finger in between two of her own and lowered the offending hand.
"You could take an eye out with those," Clary warned as Kaelie snatched her hand back. "Be careful."
"Blondie," Jace sighed, "meet my ex, Kaelie."
Kaelie stepped back, a hand on her chest. She had a flare or the dramatic, this one. "Your ex?! Last time we saw each other you were ready to fuck me until I wouldn't be able to walk!"
Jace sighed again, "Kaelie, I texted you that we were over, like, 4 weeks ago."
"Jace! We've been on and off for goddamned 2 years, what the fuck do you mean you texted me we were over." Clary sniffled a giggle at the mockingly deep voice Kaelie used to impersonate Jace. It was pretty spot on. "And who the fuck is this?!" Kaelie swung her attention to Clary.
"This," Jace started, swinging his arm back around Clary's neck. "Is my girlfriend-" the world stooped spinning, "-Blondie, as we call her." Clary's heart stopped for a second- no, time itself had frozen. She replayed the moment in her head, trying to see if she might've hallucinated, if she may have misheard, if it was another voice inside her head. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. She was elated, and terrified, and disgusted, but also strangely calm; as if she knew all along that a relationship was possible and there was hope, hope for them, for everything- "Actually, we're engaged. gonna be married in 2 days. Our entire relationship has progressed so quickly and I just didn't have the time to tell you." Jace's fake smile was blinding. Plastic teeth and false words. Because of course he was lying to get out of his relationship problems. Of course he didn't think of her romantically. Of course she was just sex and a loose cannon that liked to kill things. Of course, of course, of course. "So I guess you could say she's my fiance. My wife, even. And I'm nothing if not a loyal soon-to-be-husband." Jace's phone started ringing and quickly took the opportunity to flee the situation. "Whoops, this is the boss, gotta go!" he hurried away, abandoning Clary and her aching heart with his ex.
"Fuck you, Jace!" Kaelie shouted after him, flipping his back the bird. She turned to Clary, her eyes not as filled with hatred as Clary expected. "You guys aren't really married, are you?" Her tone was disbelieving, but also casually nervous. An non-jealous, ex girlfriend kind of tone.
Clary shook her head. "No." They would never be anything more than fuck buddies. Their relationship, the cuddling, the intimacy all day, was fake. If they were a couple on a movie poster, then they were also just actors, posing to make a pretty picture. They weren't casually intimate. Clary would never have that, disgusting creature she was, unworthy of whatever a relationship was-
"Good." Kaelie said, interrupting Clary's downward spiral. Without the Voice to consciously stop her from degrading herself, Clary found it hard to stop the bad thoughts. "It's good you're not married, you can still get out clean." Kaelie smiled at her, canines sharp. "Us girls have to stick out for each other, and trust me when I say he doesn't mean it, and he's not worth it."
Clary chuckled a little, detached but still intrigued. "How long were you guys together?"
Kaelie chuckled without humor. "Far too long, girl. I mean, we were on and off fucking for like 2 years, and then this last year I thought it was going somewhere, like he started to actually talk to me and stay with me, like after we fucked." She shook her head, clearing the image of Jace from her mind. And Clary wasn't mad or jealous because she knew the feeling. Jace was sticky, like gum, trapped in the fibers of ones memory. "But I guess it wasn't, if he's with some other chick- no offense."
Clary laughed, taken aback at how much she actually didn't mind Kaelie. "None taken."
"Well, if I can't persuade you to break up with him-"
"I couldn't" A person had to be in a relationship to end it.
"then can I at least help you pick out a nice bra?" Clary nodded, as she actually needed professional help and Isabelle had disappeared into the discount racks.
"I was looking for-" black lace, Clary was about to say, but she stopped herself. She didn't like black on herself, it made her look pale and sick. She wanted to feel healthy, flushed, sexy. "Something red, I think. Or a pastel colour, maybe."
Kaelie's eyes brightened, "Oh, red would look so nice on you! We have some really nice lace stuff in the back, I'll show you." They walked over towards the rack of lace bras, and as the pondered over the selection Kaelie kept sneaking glances at Clary. They next time she looked, Clary caught her gaze.
"Anything you want to say?" she asked, a little harshly if not defensively. She didn't mind Kaelie, sure, but she wasn't ignorant to the falsity of an attitude, and she'd be on guard around people she just met that had every reason to judge her. Some small part of her sighed on the inside, wondering when it'd have to stop being on edge, wondering when it could rest. Clary told it, not kindly, to quiet down. Without the Voice, her edge was her only defense.
Kaelie smiled abashedly. "Actually, this is super inappropriate but, well okay I was wondering because I'd stayed with him and put up with his shit for so long like just because he was super good at, like, sex. So, I mean, I guess what I'm asking i-is he still amazing at it-like- fucking?"
Oh.
Clary huffed out a laugh, shocked and taken aback because yes, yes he was. "Why do you ask?" she got out. "Do you miss it?" Okay, that might've been too much petty and gloating.
Kaelie just giggled. "I mean yes, I'm not gonna lie. His dick is like, gorgeous, he's gorgeous, as you clearly know..." Kaelie trailed off as she realized how awkward it was to be talking about sex with her ex's current girlfriend. Clary didn't catch the awkwardness though, she didn't understand it. She was curious about Jace with other girls, the things he did, the way he acted. She was curious if she was any different. And that's why she continued the conversation, edge be damned.
"Yes," she said, fingering a piece of dark, maroon red lace in her hand. "He's still amazing at sex." Kaelie laughed, and Clary thought back to all the times Jace had been wrapped around her. She got sucked into that part of her memory often, the intimacy and sensuality easily surprising her, enticing her. "I mean, you would already know this I guess, but he's amazing at, like, uhh" Clary didn't know exactly how to phrase what Jace did with his tongue,so she just gestured to the general lower area.
Kaelie's eyes were hazed in confusion. "Like fingering?" she whispered, "Yah he definitely knows how to use his hands. It's cause he's a musician."
A musician. Jace could play instruments. Clary didn't know that, and she filed that piece of information away for later. Why hadn't he told her?
Clary shook her head absentmindedly, heading towards the fitting room with an underwear set in a few different sizes, "No, like, the stuff he does with his tongue?" Definitely not her most eloquent statement.
Kaelie looked at her with a sort of shocked and stunned expression. "He ate you out?" she exclaimed quietly. So that's what it was called.
"I-yah, why?"
Kaelie shook her head as they reached the dressing room, "It's just, like I had to beg him to try, he's not really a fan of it. And the first time he did it was, like, a year after we started regularly fucking." She took out her key and led Clary into the room. "He literally told me that he was a germaphobe with that kind of shit and that he'd just rather use his fingers."
Clary felt something in her spark, because she was different, she wasn't the same as fuck-buddy Kaelie. And that was as scary as it was relieving, but a good kind of scary. She felt the inner, vain, self-conceited monster in her purr. "He does it pretty often." Clary simpered, bragging a little bit. She didn't want to be mean to Kaelie, who was a nice girl, she just wanted more information. Off course she wasn't basking in her moment of feeling self-worth. Of course she wasn't bragging to make that feeling last. Of course, of course, of course.
"Oh don't tell me he fuckin talks a lot too." Kaelie laughed rolling her eyes. When Clary didn't join in she once again looked at her in shock. "You're kidding? He talks to you while you fuck? I tried to get him to do dirty talk for fucking years but he was always so quiet!"
He wasn't quiet for Clary though. He was quite loud recently, in fact. She smiled at Kaelie, "I guess every girl is different, right? Anyways thank you, for the help." Kaelie nodded her welcome while Clary closed the door on her still-stunned face.
She smiled to herself for a moment, self-indulgent, before stripping down and trying everything on. She looked at her body, snug in red, maroon lace. She felt...sexy, and she didn't feel guilty for feeling sexy. She didn't feel dirty. She felt special. Because there was something in her that made Jace want her. And more importantly, there was something in her that made her proud. She was taking her life back, she was getting revenge. She was doing that, and it wasn't the Voice's manipulation, it wasn't her father's commands, it wasn't anyone else's accomplishments but her own.
And maybe it was strange. To think of her kills as accomplishments, as trophies.
But that's just what killers do, right?
Kind of short and filler but I wanted to post, and I also wanted to show some development with Clary. She's been really dependent on Jace's and the Voice's opinions on her, and this chapter was a way to transition out of that now that the Voice is gone and Jace is kind of serious about her. Some romantic and sexy shit coming soon, and some Jace POV I'm thinking in the next chapter. Thank you all who review, y'all make me want to write and finally finish this story!