The Heartbeat

Chapter 3

"Cold walls"

The journey to Camelot went quite smoothly. Arthur, Merlin and Percival didn't encounter any suspicious people on their way and the few people that they saw were some peasants who observed them from afar. They doubted that these people recognised them. All in all, it was better this way.

There were many things that Arthur wanted to talk about with Merlin but he didn't want to involve Percival in these conversations. The knight was not in the best shape and clearly struggled with Gwaine's death. Besides, Arthur didn't want Percival to hear certain things as they were very personal. He and Merlin had gone through a lot on their way to the Lake of Avalon and they still had some unresolved issues. There were so many questions Arthur wanted to ask but he wasn't happy to share them with Percival. He respected his fellow knight and trusted him with his life but it was different. It was about him and Merlin and no one else.

They had to spend another night in the woods as they didn't manage to reach Camelot before the sunset. This time, however, Arthur and Merlin kept their distance.

Merlin was relieved, even though a part of him longed to be closer to Arthur. It was a bizarre feeling as he wanted to both protect his king and be protected by him. Merlin had never struggled with such feelings before and started to suspect that these were the side effects of the pact that he'd made on the Isle of the Blessed.

"Are you all right?" Arthur asked him from a small distance.

"Yes, I'm just tired," he replied, dismissively. "Tomorrow we'll be back in Camelot and we'll finally have something decent to eat," he added to change the subject.

"I can't wait," mumbled Arthur.

"And I am still hoping to have these two days off," Merlin continued. "You promised."

Arthur looked at him cockily but said, "I believe I have."

They talked some more about irrelevant things before finally falling asleep. Percival remained silent the entire evening and then fell into a restless dream too.

oOoOo

The next morning, they hurried towards Camelot. It seemed like ages since they had been there the last time, even though it wasn't really long. A lot of things had happened since the day they'd left the castle behind and nothing was going to be the same again.

Arthur was surprised that they didn't encounter any patrol on their way to Camelot. They were already quite close to the castle, but there was no sign of his knights.

They gave up on me, thought Arthur but didn't say it out loud. It was a sad thought but he understood it completely. That was a rational thing to suspect. He disappeared after the battle and wasn't seen ever since. The other horrible thought that crossed his mind was that after Camlann, Camelot couldn't afford as many patrols as before. There weren't probably enough knights since many of them fell during the battle and among those who survived were the injured warriors who needed time to recover.

"Are you worried?" Merlin asked him. "We'll be home soon. They're awaiting your return."

"I know," said Arthur. "I just fear what we'll going to find in Camelot. How many of our friends suffered during this war?" he continued, glancing at Percival. The knight didn't seem to listen but Arthur knew him well enough to notice the tension in his posture.

"Whatever happened and whatever we'll see, we're going to face it together," Merlin assured him. "We'll rebuild this kingdom with those who survived."

Merlin wasn't sure if his words were appropriate but he didn't care. Arthur smiled at him and that was all that mattered. It would always matter the most.

"I'm glad to hear that you're still going to stay by my side," he said.

"I'm still your servant," Merlin replied. "I'll always be your servant, although it would be nice if you allowed me to use magic to do my chores," he teased.

Arthur smirked. "I'll think about it," he said but Merlin knew Arthur more than that. He could see that Arthur changed his views already. The king finally recognised Merlin in the way he wanted to be known for years. Arthur accepted him and even though there were still many things that weren't said out loud, it was going in the right direction. Even if Arthur could never know everything about him, it was better than before and Merlin was grateful for that.

Finally they reached Camelot's gates. They were greeted by the surprised and relieved faces of the guards and the citizens of the city.

"The king's returned," someone among the people gathered in the courtyard yelled.

"The king's alive," someone else accompanied him.

Merlin was certain that in a few moments the whole city would know that their king came back.

The news must have also reached the Queen as she ran out of the castle in a highly not royal manner.

"Arthur," she gasped and jumped at him, embracing him tightly. Arthur returned the gesture but not with the same enthusiasm. He almost died a couple of days ago and was simply tired. The revelations of the last few days were difficult and he had still a lot to process.

"I thought I'd never see you again," Guinevere whispered into his ear. "You ran out of the tent so quickly... We didn't even have time to say goodbye."

"I know," said Arthur, "and I'm sorry for all this mess."

"It's not your fault," Gwen told him. "You did what you had to do and now you've returned to me. I couldn't be happier."

"It all wouldn't be possible if not for Merlin," said Arthur.

The Queen released Arthur from her embrace and turned towards Merlin.

"So I've heard," she said and smiled knowingly. "I will never forget this Merlin. Never."

Merlin was conflicted. He adored Gwen and admired her devotion and love for Arthur and the kingdom. She was his first friend in Camelot and she'd been supporting him in many ways through all his years in this kingdom. Nonetheless, she was also the wife of the man he loved most in the world and it made him jealous. He never dared to think about Gwen in such way but it was true. He was jealous and he would probably always feel like this.

"I did what I always have and what I'll always be doing," said Merlin truthfully. "I'll serve the king and the kingdom as it makes me who I am."

"Oh, Merlin," said Gwen, clearly touched by his words, and hugged him too. She didn't care about what the people of Camelot would think.

Merlin looked at Arthur over her shoulders. The king was capable of hiding his emotions better than Gwen but Merlin could read from his eyes that he was also moved by it all. Momentarily, Merlin's heart started beating harder and he had to turn his gaze away to calm down. All these emotions never were so clear to him and he needed more time to adjust to this new situation. He could only hope that in time he would learn to cope.

"I think we should take it to the castle. We're making quite a scene and the people are watching," Merlin told her.

Gwen straightened up and cleared her throat. "You're right, Merlin," she said. "I'm just so happy and grateful. You have no idea..."

"I think I have," Merlin told her.

They all moved towards the castle, even Percival, although he remained silent this whole time and kept himself a few steps behind them.

"We need to have an official feast to celebrate your return, Arthur," Guinevere said once they all entered the throne room.

"Not today, I hope," Arthur told her.

The Queen smiled knowingly. "Of course not," she said. "You need to rest. You all do." She looked at Merlin and Percival. "But I'd like to know what happened."

"That's a long story, Guinevere," her husband said. "Definitely not for today. All you need to know now is that I wouldn't be here if not for Merlin. I owe him my life."

"Arthur..." Merlin started.

"That's all right, Merlin," said the king. "That's the truth. I'll never be able to thank you enough. Not only for the last few days but also for the last ten years. Guinevere needs to know..."

"I know," she said firmly and they all looked at her, surprised. "I started to wonder and I had my suspicions. Gaius just confirmed them."

"Gaius... I'd like to see him. He must be so worried," said Merlin and looked at Arthur.

"Go to him," Arthur told him understandingly.

Gwen looked at Merlin. "I'm not going to stop you but please be invited to our dinner. There are so many things I'd like to discuss with you."

Merlin nodded. "I'll be honoured," he said, "and thank you."

After that he rushed out of the throne room towards his mentor's quarters. It pained him a bit to be parted from Arthur, especially after the last few days during which they were inseparable. He knew, however, that Arthur was safe and that he would see him again soon. He couldn't be by Arthur's side all the time. That wouldn't be healthy to anyone.

Merlin entered Gaius' rooms and smiled wildly seeing his old friend in a good shape.

"Merlin, you're back!" said Gaius and moved as quickly as his old bones let him towards the man whom he treated like a son. "I assume that Arthur is alive."

"He is," Merlin said and embraced him.

"That's a relief, my boy. You'll have to tell me everything."

Merlin's smile slightly faded. "I will but it's complicated," he said quite seriously. "I need you to help me understand it all."

Gaius looked at him earnestly. "What happened?" he asked. "What did you give them for Arthur's life? Is it a... goodbye?"

"No, that's not what you think, Gaius. I didn't give them neither my life nor anybody else's life for Arthur's," Merlin assured his old friend. "I was ready to do that but they said it was impossible, that it wouldn't work like this. They said my life was different and it couldn't be given or taken."

"Who were they? The Sidhes?" asked Gaius.

Merlin shook his head. "I don't know who they were but they weren't Sidhes. At least not all of them... I couldn't really see them. I don't... I'm not sure..."

"Calm down, Merlin," Gaius said firmly and made him sit down. "We're not in any rush."

Merlin was breathing in and out, in order to cool down and then he continued.

"For a moment, we weren't on Earth and Arthur was definitely dead," he finally said.

"Were you in Avalon?" asked Gaius.

"Yes," Merlin confirmed. "That must have been Avalon or at least some space between our world and Avalon. I'm not even sure how we got there. We reached the Isle of the Blessed but it wasn't like I remembered it. They must have somehow let us go to their version of the Isle. I know it doesn't make much sense but that's what it felt like."

"You don't need to explain yourself and your instincts," Gaius assured him. "I'm not here to judge you but to help you. Don't ever forget about it."

Merlin smiled lightly. "Thank you, Gaius," he said and continued his story. "As I said, I'm certain that Arthur was dead and I was desperate. I wanted to give my life to bring Arthur back but they couldn't take my life."

"Did they tell you why?" Gaius asked.

"No, they didn't. But they said that I could try something else..." Merlin hesitated for a moment. He wasn't sure how Gaius was going to react to the truth. "It worked, Gaius. I can't believe it but it worked."

"If you don't want to tell me be about it, then you don't have to," Gaius told him.

"But I do," Merlin said. "I need your advice but it's not easy to explain. I made a pact which was based on the bond between me and Arthur," he explained, carefully choosing his words. "Two sides of the same coin. We were called that way many times before." Merlin laughed a bit hysterically. "I never knew how true it was and what it really meant."

"What did this pact require?" asked Gaius, trying to come back to the core of their conversation.

"Something that Arthur doesn't know about and I wouldn't want him to find out," said Merlin. "It's very personal, Gaius. I'd even say that it's... intimate."

Gaius looked intrigued but he didn't dare to utter any word. He patiently waited for Merlin to continue his story.

"They said that Arthur's heart needed a lot of time to be cured. Time that we didn't have," Merlin continued. "Even Avalon couldn't help it. But apparently... apparently I could." He looked at his old friend. "They told me about this ancient rite or pact or whatever they called it. There was a slight chance that I could change Arthur's fate so I took it. I had to, Gaius, you of all people must know that." He took a deep breath. "I split my own heart in two and put its half in Arthur's chest."

There it was. He finally said it out loud but Gaius remained silent.

"Gaius, please, say something," Merlin almost begged him. Everything would be better than this silence. "I know it's insane but it was the only thing I could do and now Arthur will live as long as I live. Our lives have been bound then and there. Forever."

Merlin was trembling. Telling the truth was somehow freeing but he was completely overwhelmed by all the events of last few days. He needed Gaius to understand and advise him.

"My boy," whispered Gaius and embraced Merlin as tight as he could. "What you chose... What you did... I can't imagine what you had to go through. But... are you feeling all right?"

"Physically, yes. I mean, I'm tired but the last few days were very tough and that's understandable," said Merlin. "But inside I feel like a mess. Arthur accepted me and my magic and it felt wonderful that finally I don't have to lie to him. And now... I can't just tell him what really happened. It would be too much for him."

"I know Merlin that it's difficult but perhaps it would be better if Arthur knew," Gaius suggested. "Think about it. I know how your life looked like these past 10 years. You hated lying to Arthur."

"That's true," Merlin admitted, "but it's different than my magic. He'd feel guilty for what I've done and I'd never want that."

"He would understand," said Gaius. "He'd do the same."

"Perhaps," said Merlin. "He's noble not only in title but also in his soul but I don't want him to feel conflicted again. That was my choice and that will be my burden."

"I understand," Gaius told him. "Just please remember that whatever happens, you can always count on me, as long as I live."

"Thank you, Gaius. There are things that I worry about. Things that I cannot comprehend... There was a moment when I thought it all was over, that Arthur wasn't going to make it," he admitted. "Then I realised some things that scare me. The things about myself." Merlin glanced at Gaius, hoping that his friend would understand it all without further explanation. Gaius, however, looked just puzzled. "I didn't want to live without him. I was ready to grab Excalibur and kill myself."

"Merlin..."

"I know," he said firmly. "I know... but I felt that I had to follow him. And when they realised what I was about to do, they told me about the pact. They sounded terrified. They said something about breaking my destiny but Arthur is my destiny. What did they expect me to do?"

"I don't know, Merlin. I wish I could have some answers but it's beyond my knowledge," Gaius admitted sadly.

"I understand. That's probably beyond everyone's knowledge." He sighed. "I'm just glad that I have you to share it all with. It would be so much worse to face it on my own."

"You're not alone in this world, Merlin. You need to finally understand that."

Merlin nodded. "I will try." He smiled lightly. "Now I think I need to have some rest. Arthur invited me to have dinner with him and Gwen later. I need a few hours to calm down so I can face them again."

"That's understandable," said Gaius. "Go get some sleep. You deserve it like no one else. I'll wake you up in a few hours."

Merlin walked slowly to his own room and closed the doors behind himself. The walls were cold and the room didn't seem familiar. It was stupid but without Arthur by his side, nothing seemed complete or right.

"I'll have to get used to it," he thought, lying down on his empty bed.