The Heartbeat

Chapter 4

"Many evenings to come"

Merlin wasn't sure what to expect out of the dinner he was invited to. Arthur and Guinevere had told him that they wanted to discuss some things but where they would start and where their discussion would follow was a mystery.

The table in Arthur's chambers was prepared for three people. Arthur and Gwen were already awaiting him but there was also one more person in the chamber. It was George. Apparently, he was going to serve them during the dinner. It seemed quite ridiculous to Merlin. Last week it was him who served the King and Queen at their dinner. He started to wonder in what direction it all was going.

"Merlin." Arthur walked up to him and welcomed him with a warm embrace. That was something that Merlin didn't expect. Arthur wasn't shy and could act this way in some extreme situations but it wasn't one of them.

"Let him breathe, Arthur," Gwen said to her husband but once the king released Merlin, she hugged him as well. "Arthur told me about all the things you did for him," she whispered into his ear so Arthur couldn't hear. "Thank you."

Merlin wanted to say, out of courtesy, that it was nothing but these words didn't seem right. It simply wasn't nothing. Arthur's life meant everything to him.

"I only did what was right," Merlin said instead.

"Because that's what you do," said Gwen, smiling. "There's nothing we can do to repay you for all the years that you were here in Camelot, risking so much..."

"That's all right, Gwen." Merlin didn't want to get into the details of previous ten years. That would be time-consuming and all that he wanted at the moment was the celebration of Arthur's life.

"We will talk about it later, Guinevere. Merlin must be starving," said Arthur.

"But of course." Gwen let Merlin go and walked towards the table. "I hope I remembered all your favourite dishes."

It turned out that Guinevere indeed remembered well Merlin's taste in food. The sorcerer didn't remember when he had so many fine food in his life before, if ever. He wanted to behave elegantly and not to eat too much but the Queen encouraged him to enjoy his meal.

"That's for you, Merlin," she assured him. "That's the least I could do."

George was silent all this time as was expected of a well trained servant. Not that Merlin cared about such irrelevant things much. Arthur, on the other hand, also remained silent almost through the whole meal and it made Merlin wonder and worry.

"I'd like to hear about all the adventures that you had, Merlin," Guinevere finally said when they finished their meal and were drinking wine. "There must be plenty of them."

"It's true but you experienced many of them yourself," Merlin said truthfully.

"Perhaps, but I don't really know them from your perspective," Gwen insisted. "Also, there must have been things that we don't know about."

"There were," Merlin admitted, hoping he didn't blush too much.

"Such as?" the Queen asked, excitedly.

"Merlin cheated during one of our first encounters," Arthur finally spoke up. "And now when I think about it, he also cheated the last time we played dice. Merlin?"

"Well... you might be right," the warlock admitted. "It was just too good. I had to do something with your smugness and it was innocent."

"Innocent? You won my money," Arthur accused but his tone was rather playful.

Gwen started to giggle. "You two are impossible sometimes," she said when she finally calmed down. "You're never going to change, are you?"

"I hope not," said Arthur and looked at Merlin attentively. "I have no such intention."

Merlin couldn't help it and gulped. There was something intense in Arthur's stare. Something that made him shiver all over his body.

"Any other adventures that you'd like to share, Merlin?" Gwen asked.

"Maybe another time. I really need to think about what is appropriate to say and what's not," Merlin told her.

"I'm not going to judge you," Guinevere assured him, "but if that's what you wish then that's alright."

"I think I should go," Merlin said suddenly, already standing up.

"Nonsense," Gwen said firmly. "I know my husband so I can tell that he's impatient to talk to you about all your stuff. I'll go to have some rest in my own chambers and you two can stay here and talk without me."

"You can stay, Guinevere," Arthur assured her.

"I know that, Arthur." She smiled wholeheartedly. "But it will be easier for you two to talk without me. I can tell that you still have some issues to resolve. You don't need me here and honestly I'd like to have a peaceful evening after the events of last weeks."

"As you wish, my Queen," said Arthur.

"Goodnight, Merlin," she said and hugged her friend once more. "I won't say goodnight to you, my husband, as I hope you'll join me for the night." With these words, she left the king's chambers and left the two men in the presence of George.

Merlin tried not to focus on the implication of Gwen's last statement. That was too painful.

"You're dismissed, George," said Arthur to the servant.

"Would you wish my assistance later, my lord?" George asked him politely.

"Dismissed," the king said firmly. "I won't need you for the rest of the night."

"As you wish, Sire." George bowed with respect and walked out of the king's chambers quickly.

"I think I'll keep him," said Arthur when George was finally out of the hearing range.

Instantly, Merlin tensed. "What do you mean?" he asked, watching Arthur intently.

"George was born to be a servant, don't you think? I honestly think he considers it his life's mission."

"You already have a servant," Merlin pointed out. "And George's boring. You said it yourself."

Arthur frowned. "Did you really think that I would keep you as my manservant?" asked Arthur in disbelief.

"Oh..." Merlin gulped. "I understand now." He didn't expect to hear these words after everything they went through and after everything Arthur had told him. He thought that everything was good between them. Or at least good enough. Apparently, Arthur didn't feel comfortable with keeping him, a warlock, by his side all the time.

"Good," said Arthur, almost grinning. That was a bit terrifying if someone asked Merlin.

"I think I should go then," Merlin mumbled. He didn't want Arthur to see his break down that Merlin felt was coming. It was a blow and he had to deal with it on his own.

"What? Why?" asked Arthur, clearly confused.

"I understand when I am not welcomed," Merlin said quietly but Arthur heard his every word.

"I beg your pardon?" Arthur walked up to Merlin and grabbed his shoulders. The sparks went through their bodies, but they both ignored it.

"You made it quite clear. You want George's service, not mine," Merlin explained.

Arthur stared at him as if he couldn't believe what he just heard and then he started laughing. Quite loudly. Merlin just stared back at him, not knowing what to think or do. It all was very confusing.

"It puzzles me Merlin how you can be like this," the king finally uttered, waving his hands, trying to suppress his laughter.

"Like what exactly?" Merlin asked.

Arthur shook his head in disbelief. "Sometimes you just seem so wise but other times... you're just a hopeless simpleton." He laughed some more.

"What's so funny?" Merlin demanded. He wanted to make sense out of this situation but he was utterly confused. Arthur was sending him some mixed messages. That wasn't funny at all.

"You are," Arthur replied. "I can't believe that you thought that I'll just keep you as my servant after everything you've done for me."

"I..." Merlin hesitated and decided to let Arthur continue.

"Do you want to be a servant, Merlin? For the rest of your life?" Arthur asked him. "Because if that's what you want, then it can be arranged. As you said, George, despite his undeniable serving skills, is unbelievably boring."

I only wish to be by your side. As I always am, thought Merlin but didn't dare to say it out loud.

"I don't want you to get bored." He tried to make it sound playful but it lacked the right vibes.

Arthur shook his head. "Unbelievable," he mumbled. "You look like a beaten dog. Did you think that I was trying to get rid of you, Merlin? Really?"

"No," Merlin replied in an act of desperation. Arthur made him feel so conflicted and uncertain. He didn't notice it before but it was prominent at the moment.

"Yes, you did," Arthur insisted. "And you are jealous that George is going to take your position in the household. That's unbelievable."

"That's not true," Merlin said but even he could tell that his line of defence was weak.

"After all we went through, after all I said to you, you still seem... insecure." Arthur hesitated for a little while. "Why is that, Merlin?"

"I still have a feeling it's just a dream," Merlin admitted. "I don't know where I stand in all of this. The events of the last few days were overwhelming, to say the least. Over a week ago, you had no idea I had magic and I feared you were going to die from Mordred's hand because I wasn't able to protect you."

"You were and you are able to protect me and Camelot," Arthur told him almost softly. "You've proven it more than once. You don't have to hide it any more. I know what you're really capable of and now everyone in Camelot may find out. Of course if that's what you wish."

Merlin raised his gaze that he just realised he lowered a while ago. "Really?" he asked, timidly.

"Really."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Merlin, I am," Arthur said decisively and laughed. "Camelot is ready for you as long as you are ready for her to find out."

"Does it mean that...?" Merlin fell silent in the middle of his sentence. He couldn't finish it. He didn't dare to hope.

Arthur smiled warmly. "I intend to change the law concerning magic," he confirmed. "Your example made me realise that this is the right thing to do."

Merlin was truly touched and it made him speechless. His blue eyes shone in the dim light with hope and adoration. Arthur had no idea what his words did to Merlin. That was beyond anyone's comprehension.

"That's where I need you Merlin," the king continued, a bit amused by Merlin's startled state. "We need to create some regulations that would be a guide for magic users. One can break a law in many ways by the use of magic and that's something that shall be forbidden."

"No one should violate the freedom of others," Merlin finally spoke.

"Exactly." Arthur smiled a bit wider, "but they can use their magic to ease their lives. To be themselves."

"Including me?" asked Merlin without thinking.

There was something wild in Arthur's gaze that made Merlin shiver all over his body. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought that Arthur wanted to pin him to the wall and kiss him senseless.

"Especially you," he whispered and his words made Merlin blush.

"That's very thoughtful of you," said Merlin and lowered his gaze breaking the eye contact again. He thought it was better this way. He didn't want to get more confused. Arthur was his friend and he was just grateful for the years of his friendship and protection. There would never be anything else between them.

Arthur cleared his throat and discreetly made a step back. He didn't realise until that moment that they were so close. Too close.

"I'd like to discuss this further with the Council tomorrow," Arthur continued in a casual way. "But I need to ask you about one thing before I'll make it official."

"What is it, Arthur?" Merlin took a deep breath and met his king's eyes once again.

"I know I never said it before but despite you being my servant through all these years, I always valued your opinion," he started. "I think it would be good for the kingdom and of course for me to still seek your advice. This time, however, in an official way."

"Is it a promotion?" Merlin asked. "Do you want me to be your... advisor?"

"Something like that," Arthur confirmed. "I need to have someone who knows magic by my side. Someone who's bold enough to speak up his mind and tell me when I'm wrong. You have ten years of experience in that field," he said half-jokingly.

"I don't know what to say," Merlin admitted. He was truly touched by Arthur's proposition.

"Say that you agree," said Arthur as his eyes were piercing through Merlin. "Say that you'll help me make Camelot greater. Better."

"I will do that gladly," said Merlin, smiling warmly at Arthur. "That's what I always wanted for you and Camelot. I will be honoured to take part in that."

Arthur put both his hands on Merlin's shoulders and looked deep into his friend's eyes. "Then I want you to join the Council meeting tomorrow. But not as my servant. I want you to take a seat at the Round Table. On my right."

Merlin gasped. "But Arthur... that's Gaius' seat."

"He won't mind. I'm sure of it," said Arthur. "You will be sitting between me and him. I want to have you by my side if that's all right with you."

"That's more than all right," Merlin said and looked at him longingly.

"That's settled then." Arthur's smile widened which made him look truly pleased. "You can retire now, Merlin. You look tired and tomorrow we'll have a very long and eventful day."

"I don't doubt it," said Merlin. He really didn't want to leave Arthur's side but it was quite late and he needed more rest after the recent events. He needed it to keep protecting Arthur and Camelot. "Goodnight, Arthur," he said quietly, almost whispered.

"Goodnight, Merlin."

The king was looking at the doors long after Merlin was gone. He couldn't help himself and lingered on a small dose of sentiment.

oOoOo

Merlin was lying in his bed, trying to make some sense out of the things that happened during the day. It was a very long day and he was no longer sure if he could trust himself with all these mixed feelings. He thought that he acted like a young maid who didn't know much about the world and that was embarrassing. He was a grown man after all. He had to get a grip and start acting like one. His own feelings couldn't come first if he wanted to do a good job of protecting Arthur and Camelot. He had to be rational about everything. Especially after he found out that he was going to occupy a new position at the court.

That thought made him shiver. It was both scary and exciting. He was always there by Arthur's side, but he was working from the shadows. Now he was going to get recognition. He was dreaming about it for years but now when it was going to come true, he started to feel confused.

First of all, that was a great responsibility. People would look for his advice in difficult matters. They would expect him to know things and to take full responsibility for his words. Merlin wasn't sure if he was ready for that.

Moreover, this new position meant lack of privacy. People were going to watch him carefully and probably suspiciously. He got used to being unrecognised. It was easier in many situations to pretend that he was no one. He looked like no one. He could be more efficient as no one.

Merlin was about to calm down and try to fall asleep before another long day that he was going to have tomorrow, but then he felt a sudden pain in his chest. He followed his instincts and put his hand there, just above his heart. A half of his heart. It was beating madly so Merlin tried to take a few deep breaths. Just when he thought that there was nothing worrisome about it, as the pain significantly eased, he felt another wave of a piercing pain. This time stronger and almost breathtaking. Merlin shut his eyes, groaning in pain, and then another unexpected thing happened.

The moment his eyes closed, he saw an image in his mind. A vision of some sort. It was blurry at first, but then it started to get clearer and clearer. He recognised Arthur and Guinevere. They were in bed but it was not sleeping that they were doing. They were kissing but it was far from the chaste kisses Merlin saw them share before. This kiss looked almost vulgar. Arthur was attacking Gwen's neck, and the Queen was moaning loudly.

Merlin opened his eyes, trying to escape this mad vision but it was too late. He couldn't get rid of this image. With eyes closed it was clearer but even with eyes opened he could see it.

That was devastating. His heart was aching and his whole body was sweating. He didn't want to watch Arthur, who meant everything to him, with his wife in such an intimate act. That was wrong and cruel and Merlin didn't know what he'd done to deserve that. He could do anything for Arthur. He gave up a half of his own heart for a chance of keeping the king alive. Apparently, that was the price for the alteration of destiny. The time to pay had come.

Merlin gulped, feeling tears running down his face. He couldn't control them. He thought that his body was trying to protect him. The vision became even more blurred because of his tears but he could still recognise the movements of two bodies. Arthur was making love to his wife. That was unquestionable.

Merlin decided that there was no other way but wait. He hoped that this nightmare would end soon.

After several minutes, which felt for Merlin like hours, the vision blurred even more and then vanished completely. The pain in his chest also eased and then stopped entirely. It seemed that it was the end of his slow agony.

Merlin was lying in his bed, looking up at the ceiling numbly. He wasn't exactly sure what just happened to him but it was definitely related to the half of his heart that was beating soundly in Arthur's chest. He didn't know if it was just a one-time thing or if it was going to be repeated every time Arthur was intimate with his wife.

Merlin had a sinking feeling that it was the latter.