The Heartbeat
Chapter 5
"All the little fears"
Arthur Pendragon was lying in the bed, thinking. His wife was sleeping next to him but he couldn't fall asleep. It was unusual because after making love to her, he was always exhausted and slept like a baby. That was natural. However, this time Arthur just couldn't rest. He had a weird feeling and couldn't quite describe it. If he had to tell what it resembled most, he would have said that he felt guilty but it was ridiculous. He did nothing wrong. He made love to his beautiful wife after an extremely stressful period in his life. That was perfectly natural.
Arthur sighed inwardly. He knew that he hadn't been completely into it in the evening but Guinevere was eager and he didn't want to disappoint her. Once they started, he tried to pay full attention to her in order to give her maximum pleasure and he was sure that he succeeded.
It wasn't also that he didn't like it. He enjoyed their sexual intercourse. He truly did. However, it seemed that his wife enjoyed it much more than he did.
Arthur didn't know why he was contemplating on that. There was nothing to worry about. He should focus on calming down and falling asleep. That was a reasonable thing to do.
The sinking feeling, however, didn't want to let go.
That was why Arthur woke up in the morning tired and a bit grumpy. He didn't get much sleep during the night and once he had finally fallen asleep, he had some weird dreams about Merlin and the Isle. He didn't remember much in the morning but the strange feeling was still there and he couldn't dismiss it.
oOoOo
Merlin woke up at dawn. He didn't get much sleep either but he couldn't make himself get back to sleep again. It was pointless. He wouldn't get much more rest anyway and he could focus on more urgent things while staying awake, such as the preparations to the Council meeting.
He no longer felt a piercing pain in his chest but his heart was aching with longing. He knew that he was jealous and he was hating himself for that. Gwen was his friend and he adored her. Nonetheless, he loved her husband so much more and he was jealous and slightly angry. He understood that Arthur and Gwen were together. In a way, he helped them bring their marriage into existence. He prompted it and encouraged Arthur on many occasions.
The worst part was that he couldn't even regret that. Arthur's commitment to Gwen brought a lot of good things to Camelot. The kingdom was flourishing and it was becoming the place that Merlin knew it was meant to be. His personal feelings didn't matter in the great scheme of things. He was going to love Arthur silently. No one had to know. He just needed to learn how to hide his true feelings. After all, it couldn't be much worse than hiding his magic and he'd managed doing that successfully for ten years.
If he had to learn to get used to the occasional pain in his chest at night and cruel visions of Arthur with another, then he would take that burden as well. He promised himself to pay the price for Arthur's life, whatever it was, and he was ready to do that.
No one else had to know about his tears at night and longing stares from afar during the day. He sacrificed a lot for Arthur and Camelot. It was just one more thing that he had to add to the list.
oOoOo
Guinevere was watching her husband closely.
"You seem nervous," she finally said after Arthur opened and closed his wardrobe a few times without any purpose.
"I'm just wondering how to put in words what I want to announce at the Council," he admitted. "This is a very important meeting and I'm expecting that some of the older counsellors won't approve my decisions."
"It won't be easy but you know how to deal with politics," Gwen assured him. "You had the difficult matters before and you handled them well."
"I'm not worried about myself."
Guinevere smiled warmly at him. "You're worried about Merlin, then." She nodded knowingly. "I should have known... but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to worry about it. Merlin's proven to be brave and tough. Your Council won't break him."
"You're right, of course, but..." Arthur looked at his wife attentively. "But since I found out about the sacrifices Merlin made for me and about all the things he's being doing for Camelot for the last ten years, I started to feel more responsible for him. It occurred to me that he cares about everything and everyone but himself." He shook his head. "And that's not right. If he doesn't take care of himself, I will do that for him. I want to protect him from all the things that I can and this Council is my responsibility."
Gwen pecked her husband on the cheek. "You will manage them and Merlin will be fine. You just need to be yourself." She smiled even wider. "You could charm anyone, even Sir Lamorak."
Arthur chuckled. "I doubt anyone could charm Sir Lamorak. He is a stubborn middle aged man. Besides, my father always said that he was his greatest supporter in the fight against magic. I'm worried about his reaction."
"You are the king, Arthur," Guinevere reminded him. "And you have Merlin by your side. I have a feeling that the two of you can convince them all. You need to have faith."
"I have something more than faith," said Arthur. "I know that this is the right thing to do. For Merlin and for the others. This is justice."
oOoOo
Gaius raised his eyebrow, seeing bags under Merlin's eyes.
"You don't look well," he pointed out.
Merlin looked at him, trying to make the best impression he could. "I couldn't fall asleep. I'm just a bit nervous before the Council meeting. That's all."
Gaius doubted that it was all but he wasn't going to press Merlin to tell him the truth. Not during such an important day.
"I could give you some tonic," the old man suggested. "You don't want to scare Arthur and the Council members, do you?"
"Tonic sounds great," Merlin said shortly and before he could add anything else, Gaius handed him a vial. "You have it done already?" he asked, surprised.
"When you came back yesterday evening, I thought it could come in handy in the morning," Gaius told him.
"So you prepared it for me, instead of going straight to bed?" Merlin shook his head in disbelief. "Gaius... that wasn't necessary but thank you."
"You should have seen yourself yesterday," Gaius replied. "You were shaking all over."
"That's an exaggeration," said Merlin.
"Is it?" Gaius smiled warmly. "I know that this day means a lot to you," he said. "You deserve it."
"It just seems so unreal. Me... sitting by Arthur's side at the Council meeting. Taking your place..." Merlin looked hesitantly at his mentor. "I'm not entirely sure it's right."
"That's more than right, Merlin. I'm glad you will take that seat," Gaius assured him. "I've already told you. I'm happy for you and I will support you. No one deserves recognition more than you."
Merlin couldn't express it in words but he was truly touched by all the support and care that Gaius was giving him. He was glad to have him in his life. Merlin never had a chance to get to know his father well but Gaius was able to fill the hole in his heart that should have been filled by his father.
That was why Merlin hugged his old friend tightly, trying to put all his gratitude into this gesture. The words were redundant.
oOoOo
Laying his eyes on Arthur for the first time after the incident of the previous night, brought back some mixed feelings to Merlin. On the one hand, he was happy to see his king. He was happy that said king smiled at him warmly, when he noticed him at the doors. On the other hand, he felt a little pang in his chest, a bitter reminder of what happened at night. It made him wonder if such conflicted feelings were going to occur every time he saw Arthur. Perhaps he could get used to it after some time.
This thought made him shudder.
He lowered his gaze and took a deep breath. Arthur needed him at that moment. The most important Council meeting in their lives was about to begin. He needed to focus on the important things which concerned the whole kingdom. His personal sentiments had to be cast aside.
"Nervous?" Arthur asked him when he finally approached his king.
"Not at all," Merlin said in his teasing tone. "It's just another Council meeting. Why should I be worried? There's nothing to worry about."
Arthur couldn't help himself and smirked. "I know the feeling," he said quietly so no one but Merlin could hear him.
Merlin looked around. The Council room was slowly getting crammed with all the Council members. Gaius was talking to one of the knights, avoiding Merlin's gaze. The warlock knew that his mentor was giving him space, as this day belonged to him and Arthur.
Merlin felt a little bit better at that thought. He knew that he could always count on Gaius and his tact.
"I never realised that your Council had so many members," Merlin pointed out.
"Well, it doesn't, but I invited the members who already retired from that position," Arthur admitted. "I thought it was important because some of them were in the Council back when my father changed the law."
"And now I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have eaten the porridge," said Merlin, half-jokingly.
Arthur had to use his strong will to suppress his laughter.
"But that was very thoughtful of you," Merlin added, this time seriously.
"I thought that was fitting," said Arthur.
"Although that's also nerve-racking," Merlin continued at the same time.
"I want them all to understand," the king explained.
"I know." Saying that, Merlin gave him a reassuring smile.
Someone who was standing nearby cleared the throat and said, "Arthur."
Both Merlin and Arthur raised their eyes. It was Guinevere. They didn't even notice when she entered the room.
"I think we should start the meeting," she said quietly. "Your Council is waiting."
Guinevere was right. There was no time to waste.
"I wanted to greet all of you," he announced. "Please take your seats."
Arthur was glad that his wife took care of the adjustments in the Council room. She made sure that there was enough chairs for all members, including those who no longer attended the meetings on regular basis.
He was also pleased to see that Merlin took his request to heart and took the seat by Arthur's side. However, he decided not to dwell on that feeling at the moment.
He also noticed that some of the Council members, especially the older ones, frowned upon seeing Merlin by his side not as his servant, but as a participant, as one of them.
Arthur knew that he had many things to explain and that was one of them but he also knew that he needed to do that in order. That was essential for them to understand.
The king looked around, silencing some murmurs with his gaze. When all members started to pay their full attention to him, he began his speech.
"I asked all of you to attend this meeting because I have some very important information to share with you before it becomes public," Arthur started. "I am aware that there are many rumours concerning the events at Camlann as well as the days succeeding the battle. I want you to know the truth. You all deserve it." At that moment, he glanced at Merlin and sent him a short but fond smile. "The truth is that I was mortally wounded on the battle field and that blow was given to me by someone who was one of us. By Sir Mordred."
The members started whispering among themselves but only one of them dared to speak up. It was Sir Lamorak.
"Wasn't he one of the commoners you knighted?" he asked viciously.
Arthur looked directly at him. If gazes could kill, Sir Lamorak would be as good as dead.
"It doesn't mean anything, Sir Lamorak," Arthur said. "The commoners can be great knights or advisors and the noblemen can be vicious and cruel. One's background doesn't define a person. Their actions do."
"It seems that Sir Mordred didn't deserve his position after all," Sir Lamorak said boldly.
"He had potential and he was given a chance," the king continued. "Everybody deserves a chance. Unfortunately, Mordred made some terrible choices but the fault isn't entirely his."
"Arthur," Merlin murmured so only the king and Gaius could hear him.
Arthur ignored him and kept talking. "Mordred was a victim of the contemporary circumstances and Morgana. I pity him but he paid the highest price a man can pay. He's dead." These words silenced the whole gathering. "I don't want to hear any other questions concerning Sir Mordred. This meeting isn't about him. He's the past and I want to talk about the future of this kingdom."
Guinevere put her hand on his arm reassuringly. He appreciated the gesture but it was not the right time and place so he shook his shoulder lightly to give her a sign to let go. The Queen seemed to understand as she removed her hand obediently.
"There would be no future for me, if not for my friend who is sitting at the moment on my right." He looked at Merlin and Merlin looked back at him with true devotion. Arthur had to use all his will to turn his gaze away and look at his people. "You all must know Merlin. He's been my manservant for the last ten years after all."
"Exactly, my lord," Sir Lamorak interrupted him once again, which started to get on his nerves. "He is your servant. Should he occupy such an important place at the Council meeting?"
"I would like to remind you, Sir Lamorak, that this is the Round Table. One's station doesn't matter here," Arthur stressed the last sentence. "Besides, Merlin has proven more than once that he deserves it. He's proven it by his actions and by his devotion to Camelot."
At that moment, Merlin turned red. He was aware that Arthur thought highly of him, but thinking and saying it so boldly in front of the entire Council were two different things. He knew that Arthur had to prepare some explanation but he thought that it was going to be more moderate.
"Merlin has been showing his wisdom by giving me some very good advice for years. The problem was that I wasn't very keen on listening to him for a very long time."
Some members laughed lightly at these words and Merlin blushed more. Arthur smiled warmly at him and made a mental note to tease him about it later.
"A man learns to listen in time. Luckily, it wasn't too late for me," Arthur continued his speech. "Luckily, Merlin was patient enough to stay here in Camelot as my servant, even though he could be so much more elsewhere. He could be safer elsewhere. Nonetheless, he's chosen to keep the position of a lowly servant and endured all its consequences. For that, I am more grateful than I can say."
"Arthur, you don't have to..." Merlin murmured and now only the king could hear him.
Arthur only shook his head. "Even though he doesn't look very strong, Merlin is the most powerful person I know. But I'm not afraid of his power. No, I admire it and believe me when I say that it means something coming from the Pendragon." He took a deep breath. It was now or never. "I don't want you to be afraid. Keep in your mind that it's still Merlin you know."
"Why should we be worried?" One of the knights asked impatiently.
"It's just Merlin," another knight added.
"It is Merlin, you're right," Arthur confirmed. "But he's so much more than we thought and he never sought any credit for that." He straightened up and looked regally over his Council. "Merlin has magic," he finally stated.
The people gasped and gaped both at Arthur and Merlin. Some of them stood up in rush and gripped their swords.
"That's unnecessary," Arthur assured them quickly. "If Merlin wanted, he would have defeated you easily. Believe me, I saw it with my own eyes. There's nothing to fear."
"But Sire," protested one of young knights, Sir Galahad. He was one of the few who grabbed their swords. "Magic has caused so much evil. It corrupts."
"Many things can corrupt one's mind," Arthur replied calmly. "Your sword could corrupt you."
"It's entirely different, my lord," said Galahad but he no longer sounded so certain.
"Is it? Think about it." Arthur looked over the faces of his people. "You all should think about it."
"It doesn't change anything," Sir Lamorak spoke up. "Magic is banned. Merlin shouldn't be here, he should be..."
Hanged, Merlin thought.
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Sir Lamorak,"Arthur said way too sharply. He knew that this Council meeting wasn't going to be easy but that was a step too far.
"That's what the law says," the older knight pointed out stubbornly.
"The law can be changed," Arthur stated firmly. "It will be changed."
Half of the Council gasped in disbelief. Keeping one, apparently loyal, sorcerer by king's side was one thing but changing the entire law was a completely different matter.
"Are you going to destroy everything that your father was building?" Lamorak asked. "After everything we went through with Morgana? Or are you going to say that she was another victim of Camelot's law?"
Arthur was furious but he wasn't going to give Sir Lamorak more satisfaction so he tried to respond calmly.
"My sister was many things. In a way she was also a victim," he said. "It doesn't justify her at all. We all know what she did but she's dead now. She's dead because Merlin was able to kill her. He saved us all. He saved this land. We should move forward. Dwelling on the past won't bring us any good."
"And allowing magic into our world will?" asked Lamorak. "Uther had very good reasons to ban magic. It cannot be controlled. It's dangerous."
"As I said before, your sword is also dangerous but you keep it at your side," replied Arthur. "I'm not saying that we're going to let people use magic in whatever way they want. I want us to prepare some regulations concerning magic. People would have to follow the rules and they would have to suffer the consequences if they broke them."
"Sire, allow me to point out that it's going to be extremely difficult," Sir Lionel spoke up. "I can't imagine how it's going to work. There's so many doubts..."
"Thank you, Sir Lionel, for your concern. I am aware that this is a huge change and it won't be easy." Arthur looked at Merlin. "But it will be just and fair."
"You've already made your decision," Sir Lamorak said bitterly. "Why did you call us here if it's already decided?"
"Pay attention to your words, Sir Lamorak," Percival spoke up suddenly. "You're speaking to your king."
"That's not necessary, Sir Percival," said Arthur, seeing that his friend was about to put up a fight with the older knight. "This is a difficult subject and I expected tough reactions."
"He should show you more respect, Sire," Percival mumbled but sat down obediently.
Arthur decided to continue his previous thought. "My decision is final. Today, the law concerning magic is being changed. We will discuss the details in the nearest future but I'm changing the law now."
The Council members started whispering.
"But is it wise to change the law without some definite plan?" asked one of the oldest members.
"I have a plan," Arthur assured them. "That's why my second decision today is the promotion of my former manservant and most trusted friend to the position of Court Sorcerer," he stated.
The people started whispering some more but Arthur didn't care. He looked at Merlin and saw a pleasant surprise in his eyes. They were talking about his promotion the previous evening but Arthur didn't tell him this. The position of Court Sorcerer was something much more prestigious than an ordinary advisor. It sounded very regal. It bore the responsibility.
Merlin was speechless.
Guinevere started applauding and half of the Council followed her lead.
However, the other half looked uncertain and shared some suspicious glares. Sir Lamorak and a couple of other members from the older generation stood up and left the room in complete silence.
Arthur had a bad feeling about it but dismissed the thought for the time being. This moment belonged to Merlin and he would handle Sir Lamorak and whatever he had in mind later.
"Would you like to say something, Merlin?" Arthur asked, smiling at him encouragingly.
Merlin hesitated but Gaius gave him a short nod and he just couldn't disappoint his mentor and friend.
He stood up and slowly looked around.
"I would like to thank our king for what he's about to do for the people of magic. People who very often didn't have a choice and were born with the gift, like me." He blushed a bit and turned towards Arthur. "I would like to thank you for your trust, my lord. I'll try to do my best to prove you, all of you, that the title of the Court Sorcerer wasn't given to me in vain." Saying that, Merlin sat down. That was enough for his first public statement as the Court Sorcerer. He promised himself to be more eloquent in the future.
"Thank you, Merlin," said Arthur and turned his attention back to the other members of his Council. "I know that you must have many questions and doubts and I promise that we'll come back to them tomorrow. That was one of the most important Council meetings during my reign and I believe that we all need time to think it through and come back to it later with fresh minds. That's why I'm closing the meeting for today."
The people were leaving the room slowly, whispering and mumbling among themselves.
Arthur knew that they felt conflicted and that was why he decided to give them some time to adjust. It was the first step on a very long way. Tomorrow they were going to take another step and the day after that, one more. They were going to take as many steps as necessary.
With Merlin by his side, he wasn't afraid of what the next day would bring. They were in this together. Two sides of the same coin.