The Heartbeat
Chapter 7
"The battle of opinions"
Merlin worked very hard to show people the better side of magic. He got involved in many activities that he'd never thought about before. For instance, he followed Gwen's advice which stated that shaping children's minds was essential in the process of accepting magic. He didn't have much experience in interacting with children but he thought that he did quite well as he managed to gain their attention. With Queen's help, he conducted the magical performances for the children of Camelot, both nobles and peasants.
Merlin soon found out that children were more keen on giving magic a chance than their parents. They were cautious at first but after a few magic tricks, they started clapping and laughing. That was quite a sight.
The Court Sorcerer started even thinking about looking for magical potential in some of these children and teaching them in the future but he didn't dare to speak about it out loud yet. It was far too soon. He was certain that most of their parents wouldn't approve. They needed time to adjust to the new circumstances.
As it could be expected, the adults weren't willing to give magic a chance. Most of them didn't want to participate in all the activities Merlin was performing. They frowned upon them, shook their heads and said that they were busy.
"You need to give them more time," Arthur tried to reassure him. "Look what you achieved with children. They adore you and they will be the future of this kingdom."
"Their parents speak behind our backs, questioning your decision concerning magic," Merlin pointed out. "Sir Lamorak's rumours crawled into their minds. They'll need something more than a magic performance if we want them to change their minds."
"They need something truly spectacular," the king admitted.
"I'm not sure what it should be. I offered to cure some of their illnesses with my magic but only two people agreed." Merlin sighed. "They don't trust me, Arthur. They want Gaius to treat them in a traditional way."
"They'll change their mind when they see the effects but it requires time," said Arthur. "Don't be so hard with yourself. I appreciate what you've done during last two weeks. That is truly incredible."
"That's not enough."
"Merlin." Arthur looked at him closely. "You need to stop blaming yourself."
"I don't blame myself."
"But you do." Arthur took a deep breath. "I see how hard you work and how much you worry. You need to start thinking about yourself. Gaius told me that you hardly eat recently."
"I might have skipped a meal or two but it's not important," Merlin told him. "I'll have some rest when Lamorak's ideas are long forgotten."
"You can't be serious," said Arthur. "I want you to calm down and rest now. That's an order from your king."
"But Arthur..."
"No buts," Arthur told him firmly. "And you'll start eating decently too. You're getting thinner and thinner. That's not good to you."
"Is it a dinner invitation?" Merlin asked.
"It could be," Arthur said, smiling. "But it should be you inviting me."
Merlin frowned, his eyebrows narrowing. "What do you mean?" he asked a bit suspiciously.
"You shall see," Arthur told him. "Follow me."
Merlin was intrigued. He wanted to protest at first and say that there was no time for any games. However, Arthur looked determined so the warlock gave up and followed him.
They were going in the direction of king's chambers so Merlin assumed that it was their destination. After a moment, however, they walked past Arthur's rooms and headed further into the castle.
"Where are we going?" Merlin asked finally.
"You'll see in a moment," Arthur replied mysteriously. "We're almost there."
They walked for a minute in complete silence until eventually Arthur stopped in front of some oak doors to which Merlin never paid any attention.
"What's behind these doors?" Merlin asked curiously.
"Open them and see," the king encouraged him. "Go on."
Merlin gave him a suspicious look but knew that Arthur couldn't mean anything malicious. Nevertheless, there was something odd in Arthur's behaviour. He seemed pleased and a bit excited, despite their current political difficulties.
"Have I ever told you that surprises are not really my thing?" said Merlin but Arthur only rolled his eyes.
"Open the door, Merlin," the king simply said. "Just do it."
Merlin gave him one short glance and finally pushed the door. He wasn't sure what to expect but he thought that it was going to be something unusual. Arthur behaved as if it was something extraordinary. However, to his huge surprise and relief, he entered a plain looking chamber. It looked exactly like dozens other chambers that were in the castle. There was nothing special inside it.
"It's just a chamber," Merlin said warily. "Why did you want me to come here?"
Arthur entered the room right behind his friend and asked, "do you like it?"
Merlin frowned and look at Arthur steadily. "It's a chamber," he repeated. "Why are you asking me whether I like it or not?"
"Just answer. Indulge me," Arthur said stubbornly.
"I don't understand what's happening here," Merlin admitted. "I refuse to answer any further questions until you explain it to me."
The king shook his head in resignation. "Sometimes you're really dumb, Merlin. Would you like to live here?" he asked finally.
Merlin wasn't sure if he heard correctly so he asked, "what?"
"Would you like it to be your personal chamber?" Arthur explained more directly. "If it doesn't fit your needs, I can arrange another room but I think that this one suits you well. It should be warm enough in winter and not too hot in summer. It's big enough for you to collect some magical objects that you may want to keep close. Also, this chamber is not far away from mine. I wouldn't have to send George to bring you every time I wanted to ask you about some pressing matter. I could just reach your chamber myself in a minute," he said in one breath. "So what do you think?"
Merlin remained silent for a few moments and when he finally regained his ability to speak, he said, "you want to give me my own chamber?"
Arthur seemed to be in the middle between amusement and irritation. "That's what I just said. Keep up."
"But I have my own room in Gaius' quarters," Merlin protested. "He needs my help. He's in good shape for his age but he's an old man nonetheless. He needs someone to help him with the patients and potions and..."
"You can still help him but the Court Sorcerer should have his own chambers," Arthur pointed out. "This is the matter of your status. People won't take you seriously if you keep acting and living like a serving boy."
Merlin didn't seem content at all.
"You don't like the idea," Arthur said after a while. "I won't make you change your room but I wanted you to see the whole picture. Also, I thought that you would like to have your own place."
"Arthur... that's not it. I would like to have my own chamber and I think this one would be perfect for me but I'm worried about my old friend. I don't want to leave Gaius on his own," Merlin explained quickly.
The king smiled lightly. "You don't have to," he assured him. "We can find him an apprentice. Someone who could learn to become a physician in the future. I'm sure Gaius would teach someone gladly."
"He taught me," Merlin said timidly.
"I know that but you can't hold two positions. You'll be very busy as the Court Sorcerer," Arthur reminded him.
Merlin sighed. "I don't know what to say," he admitted.
"There's no need to say anything." Arthur assured him. "Accept this chamber and start building your new life from here."
"I have a small sentiment for my old life with Gaius," Merlin admitted.
Arthur looked him in the eye. "I'm not asking you to abandon Gaius and everything you've done. I would never do that."
"I know." Merlin smiled a bit. "My own chamber is just so much... It seems huge. What should I put in it? I'm not sure I'm ready for such changes."
"It's too late," Arthur told him. "Your life started changing drastically the moment you agreed to become my official advisor. This chamber is just one of the perks of your decision." He patted Merlin's shoulder. "It may seem impossible now but you'll get used to it soon. You'll start wondering how you could leave in a small room with a narrow bed."
"That sounds arrogant," said Merlin. "I don't want to be like this."
"I didn't mean it in a wrong way," Arthur assured him quickly. "You'll see that you can find a way to use all this space. You can be the genuine Court Sorcerer. You could arrange some office here where you could advise people on the matters concerning magic. Whatever you want. If you like this chamber, it's yours."
Merlin looked around in silence.
"That sounds... nice," he admitted after a while. "I think I could make use of my own chamber. Thank you."
Arthur was very pleased with himself. He was thinking about giving Merlin his own chamber since they returned from the Isle of Blessed but he knew that his friend was strongly attached to Gaius. That was why he was waiting for the right moment and it seemed that he found one.
Merlin deserved to have his own place and Arthur was glad that he found it so near his own chambers. Keeping Merlin close felt somehow right. Arthur wasn't sure why but he decided not to contemplate this matter too much.
oOoOo
Merlin didn't possess many things but he needed to move the few that he had to his new chamber. However, first of all, he needed to inform Gaius about it and start looking for some help for his old friend.
"Hello, Gaius," Merlin greeted him.
"Hello, Merlin. Are you hungry?" the old man asked him. "The soup is almost ready."
"Thank you, Gaius, but I'd like to tell you something before we eat," he said.
Gaius raised his eyebrow. "Is it something bad?" he asked. "Is it about Sir Lamorak?"
"No, this time it has nothing to do with him," Merlin replied. "It's nothing bad. At least I hope so."
"What is it then?" Gaius asked, this time less concerned.
"Arthur gave me my own chamber," Merlin told him shyly.
"Finally," Gaius said simply.
"You expected that?" Merlin asked, surprised.
Gaius smiled. "Of course, my boy. You occupy a very important position now. Sharing quarters with the Court Physician doesn't look good. You need to have your own place."
"I didn't like the idea at first because I don't want to leave you here without any help," Merlin admitted.
"You don't need to worry about me," Gaius assured him.
"I'll stop worrying about it when we find you a new apprentice," said Merlin. "Arthur promised me that he would seek some candidates but you'll have the last word in that matter. You need someone smart and hard-working. I'll make sure that you'll get the best..."
"Merlin," Gaius interrupted him. "You don't need to be like this. I'll be happy to train someone to be a physician in the future and I appreciate all the efforts. However, you don't need to be nervous about it. No one is going to be like you. No one will replace you."
"I didn't mean it like this," Merlin denied quickly.
"I know you didn't really mean it but I know you very well and I can tell when you're worried and nervous," Gaius said calmly. "You're like a son to me and I'm glad to see you growing up and becoming someone you deserve to be. You'll always be welcome here in my quarters. You can always come and have dinner with me. The plate will be always waiting for you."
Merlin hesitated for a moment. He wasn't sure what to say.
"Thank you," he chose his words finally. "That means a lot to me."
Gaius smiled wider. "We can eat some soup now and then you can go and pack your things," he said.
"I can wait with moving out until we find my replacement," Merlin assured him. "I don't mind staying here."
"I know but that's not necessary. You have new responsibilities and you need to take care of them," Gaius told him. "Recently, you've been here only for meals and sleep anyway."
"I didn't think about it but you're right," said Merlin. "I've hardly helped you recently.
"That's not an accusation. That's perfectly understandable," Gaius assured him. "I was thinking about finding some additional help myself."
"Oh."
"It doesn't mean that I'm getting rid of you," Gaius told him. "You have a lot of work to do for Arthur and Camelot and you've been overworked for the last few years. Now you should focus on what is important for the kingdom. Your old friend will be fine."
Merlin was touched by these words and smiled at his friend. "You can be sure that I'll be visiting you a lot. You won't get rid of me easily," he said, moved.
"I never expected anything else."
oOoOo
Merlin moved to his new chamber. John, one of the servants, wanted to help him but Merlin refused, saying that there was no need. After all, he could use his magic to move his things without a fuss. He meant it as a nice gesture but John didn't seem pleased. Merlin had no idea why.
He only noticed that John joined Anne, another servant, and whispered something to her. Merlin couldn't hear what it was but he didn't like it. There was something suspicious about them. He usually had very good relations with other servants in the castle but since his promotion, their relations declined. At first, Merlin didn't pay much attention to it but now he started to wonder. It seemed that only George was his previous self around him but George was always odd and restrained himself from any friendly relations with other servants.
Merlin wondered if this change in servants' behaviour was caused more by the change in his status or the rumours spread by Sir Lamorak. He decided that he needed to pay more attention to the way they behaved in front of Arthur. Perhaps then, he could find the answers to his doubts.
Once Merlin moved into his new chamber, Arthur invited himself to have supper with him. It was just the two of them. No Gwen. No George or any other servant. Merlin insisted on the latter.
"The servants act strangely around me," Merlin admitted when they started their meal. Merlin brought the plates and food himself from the kitchen. It felt nice to do something simple that he'd been doing for years. His life had changed barely a few weeks ago but it seemed like a lifetime ago. The perception of time was a strange thing and Merlin promised himself to investigate it further once their problems were solved. The list of his promises to himself was growing and he wondered if he would ever find time for them.
"Your position at Court changed drastically. That was to be expected," Arthur pointed out.
"Perhaps," murmured Merlin, "or perhaps it's Lamorak's doing."
"I don't want to talk about him tonight," the king said. "This is a nice evening. Your first evening in your new chambers. Don't kill the mood."
Merlin sighed. He wished they had time for peaceful evenings but Arthur didn't seem to care about it and clearly tried to enjoy the moment.
"As you wish." Merlin felt defeated. He hated it that he couldn't say no to Arthur. He could challenge him or create appearances but he was not able to truly oppose him. It just didn't feel right. "What do you want to discuss then?"
Arthur frowned. "I don't need to discuss anything. I want to talk to you. Like a friend with a friend. I want to get to know you better."
"You know me, Arthur," Merlin replied. "We spent the last ten years by each other's sides. Now that you know about my magic, there's really nothing left that you need to know." It wasn't entirely true but he couldn't just tell Arthur the truth about his resurrection. That was a burden that Merlin decided to bear on his own.
"But you rarely spoke about yourself," Arthur pointed out. "I know nothing about your dreams or..." he hesitated, "a love life."
Merlin choked on wine which made Arthur rush up to his side to pat his back.
"Thanks," mumbled Merlin when he could breathe steadily again.
"You seem distressed," Arthur pointed out. "Are my remarks too personal? We're friends and I always thought that friends shared these kinds of things. You always supported my relationship with Guinevere. Even when I thought it was over."
"That's not it," said Merlin. "I just don't really have a love life."
Arthur leaned in his chair and frowned his eyebrows. "You mean to tell me that there was no girl in your life through all these years?" he asked.
"There was one girl," Merlin admitted. "Long time ago but she died soon after I met her."
"I'm so sorry, Merlin. I didn't mean to upset you." Arthur looked truly bothered.
"You didn't," Merlin told him. "That was a long time ago and from this perspective I can tell that nothing serious could happen between us. She was cursed and there was no way to break it. Not even by true love's kiss. Or perhaps it wasn't really love. Not yet. Our relationship was too short." Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes and saw that his friend was listening to him attentively. "I just had this connection with her the moment I met her. I thought she was like me. You see... she also had magic and there was a short moment when I thought that we could be happy. But we couldn't. She died long before her time but she became some sort of friend to me in her afterlife."
"What do you mean?" Arthur asked, intrigued.
"You see... She spends her eternity in the Lake of Avalon. Her name is Freya but I tend to call her Lady of the Lake in my mind now," Merlin admitted. "She helped me a lot. You see... your sword, Excalibur, was forged in the dragon's breath long before you became king. You weren't ready to wield it so I had to hide it. I chose the Lake of Avalon as this place is so strongly connected to magic. I didn't know Freya yet. I met her afterwards and then she was the one who gave me back your sword when it was needed."
"But I pulled it out of the stone," Arthur remarked.
Merlin bit his lip. "You did but it was after I put it there. I needed your sword to protect Camelot and I couldn't just randomly give it to you afterwards. It was too special to treat it as a regular sword. When I didn't need it anymore, I put it in the stone so no one could pull it out. It was waiting there for you because I had a feeling that sooner or later you would need it too."
"So you made up the story about the king," Arthur pointed out. "I knew it!"
Merlin smiled. "You did," he admitted. "I had to make up this story. You needed to believe that you were the true ruler of Camelot. You lost your hope and it was my duty to restore it."
"You have a point," said Arthur. "I think I owe you a thank you for that."
"It doesn't matter now. I'm glad it all worked out."
Arthur nodded and then returned to their previous topic. "So you were telling me about this girl. Freya, is that her name?"
"Yes."
"So you said that you met Freya long ago and you lost her soon after. I understand that you had to mourn her but what happened afterwards? Didn't you meet any other girl that you found..." Arthur hesitated, looking for a delicate word, "interesting?"
"No, there was no other girl afterwards," Merlin admitted. He didn't add that he learnt in time that only Arthur really mattered in his life since then.
"Do you still have feelings for her?" Arthur wasn't sure if he should ask this question but he couldn't help himself. It suddenly felt very important to find out. His heart was fluttering in his chest in anticipation.
"Not the kind of feelings you think about," Merlin told him. "Freya was very dear to me and I thought that I loved her. Perhaps I did love her in the end. I definitely felt a huge loss after she died." He sighed inwardly. "But now I know that my feelings were quite naïve. One's first fascination is sweet but it can't last. I believe that true love needs time to grow. People need to get to know each other. They need to learn a mutual respect. Just like you and Gwen."
"That's... reassuring," said Arthur in a quiet tone. "You always supported my relationship with Guinevere."
"That's because I could see that you had the potential. This kind of thing shouldn't be just cast aside and forgotten." Merlin truly believed in his own words. Gwen and Arthur were perfect for each other and had all the things that he thought were necessary to build a strong love. The problem was that he now could see that he and Arthur had all these things too and it was just painful because he knew he couldn't have it with Arthur. It wasn't meant to be for the two of them.
"Don't you regret that you don't have it?" Arthur asked suddenly and for a short moment Merlin feared that he said some of his thoughts out loud so he paled instantly. However, Arthur didn't look angry or even surprised.
"What do you mean?" asked Merlin cautiously.
"You said that there was no one else after this girl. Don't you regret it? You seem to like the idea of a mature kind of love," Arthur explained.
Merlin felt a relief. "I like the idea," he admitted, "but I never met the right girl."
"More likely, you were too busy to find one," the king pointed out guiltily.
"That's not your fault, Arthur. That was my choice and I don't regret it," saying that, he looked Arthur deep in the eyes to show him that he truly meant it.
"You can still meet someone," Arthur almost whispered but he didn't seem too pleased saying that.
"I'm not sure I want to," Merlin told him also in a quiet tone.
Arthur remained silent for a longer while, thinking deeply about something. They didn't talk about potential loves and relationships afterwards. It didn't feel right any more.
This night, Merlin was lying in his new bed for the first time. It was large and comfortable but Merlin couldn't fall asleep. He thought about Arthur and about potential that could never be.
Then he felt it again. A strong pain in his chest. He thought he was not going to feel this kind of pain again. That it was just a one time thing.
It wasn't. Arthur was making love to Guinevere for the first time in a few weeks and Merlin had to watch it unwillingly.
He bit his lip in pain and thought of Arthur. It all was for him. It was worth all the pain in the world.