The Heartbeat

Chapter 12

"Anniversary"

The time was passing by quite peacefully in Camelot since Sir Lamorak was gone. Merlin couldn't believe it but it was almost a year since the battle of Camlann and Morgana's death. It was nearly a year since he almost lost Arthur.

However, Merlin decided not to dwell too much on the painful memories. After all, their victory over Morgana was worth celebrating.

Gwen was put in charge of this celebration. There was no better choice, as she was born to organise such events.

Merlin was wandering through the castle the day before the great celebration. He was deep in thought when a familiar voice brought him back to the reality.

"Hello, Merlin. What are you doing here?"

It was Gilli. Merlin smiled and nodded welcomingly at his relatively new friend.

"I'm just walking around, contemplating on the events of the last year," he admitted.

Gilli nodded with understanding. "It wasn't a boring year," he confirmed.

"Definitely not for you," Merlin remarked.

"Yes, my life has changed a lot. But so did yours," Gilli insisted.

"You're right."

Gilli looked at him seriously. "You don't look very content right now. Shouldn't you be happy? It was a good year after all."

Merlin hesitated but answered eventually. "It was mostly a good year. Recently, at least. It started bad, tragically even. So many people died during the battle. So many friends..."

Gilli walked closer to him. "You saved so many people during the battle. You ended it before it could get really bad."

"I could have saved more," said Merlin grumpily. "If I had come earlier."

"But you couldn't get there earlier," Gilli insisted. "You told me what happened before the battle, remember? You couldn't save them without your magic. You needed to get it back first."

Merlin looked at Gilli a bit sadly. "I know it, Gilli. I know that I tried to get to Camlann as soon as possible. I'm not really blaming myself. Not more than Arthur blames himself, anyway." He sighed. "I'm just grieving over these losses, you know? Tomorrow, there will be a celebration. I'm expected to be happy and I will be, because the battle could have ended so much worse. However, today, I want to think about those we lost," he said. "Like Gwaine."

"He was your very good friend, wasn't he?" Gilli asked.

Merlin smiled lightly, remembering how he had met Gwaine all these years ago.

"Gwaine once told me that I was his first true friend," Merlin admitted.

"You helped him become a knight," said Gilli, smiling.

"That's right. He found his home here in Camelot and he found his true friends," added Merlin in a more cheerful way. "He met Percival and they became like best friends in the world. Gwaine's death hurt him deeply. I can still see the grief in his eyes. I know he blames himself for his death and I can't do anything to change that."

"Merlin, you don't have to make everything better. Some things are beyond repair," Gilli told him wisely.

"Gaius taught you that, didn't he?" Merlin asked.

"Yes, he did. That's very important when you're learning to become a physician," Gilli confirmed his suspicions. "Sometimes you just can't help others. With or without magic."

"He tried to teach me that too," Merlin admitted. "Thank you, Gilli. I almost forgot about it."

"I'm glad I could help," he replied.

Merlin felt a little bit better.

"Gilli?" he asked. "How do you like your position as Gaius' apprentice?"

"Very much," he admitted. "I wasn't sure at first that I could do it but now I'm more convinced."

"I'm glad to hear it," said Merlin.

"I've got my chance. I won't waste it," Gilli promised.

"I'm sure you won't." Merlin smiled at him frankly and walked away in the direction of his chamber. It was a difficult day for him but thanks to Gilli his mood improved vastly.

When Merlin finally got to his room, something seemed odd. He looked around and then he noticed someone sitting in one of his armchairs.

"Arthur?" he asked hesitantly.

It was indeed the king. Arthur stood up and looked at him a bit accusingly.

"Finally," he said. "I've been waiting for you."

"I don't think you mentioned that you were going to visit me today," replied Merlin calmly.

"Do I have to?"

"No, but then you shouldn't be angry that you had to wait," Merlin pointed out.

"Fine." Arthur sighed. "Have you been doing something interesting?"

"I was wandering around the castle, thinking about the last year, and then I met Gilli and we talked for a little while," Merlin told him honestly.

"Gilli," mumbled Arthur a little bit bitterly. "How is he doing?"

"It seems that he enjoys working for Gaius. I think that he starts to believe that being a physician is something for him."

"Good," said Arthur but he didn't seem too content about it.

Merlin looked at him pointedly. "You promised not to be mean to him," he said.

"I'm not mean," Arthur denied.

"One day he may become the Court Physician here in Camelot. You should try a bit harder," Merlin gave him an advice.

"I'm not mean," Arthur repeated firmly.

He's jealous of my friendship with Gilli, Merlin thought but decided not to touch such a sensitive topic.

"All right. Why did you want to see me, then?" he changed the subject.

Arthur looked at him sheepishly. "I'm hiding," he admitted. "Guinevere keeps on asking me questions about tomorrow's feast. She wants to know my opinion about everything. It's tiring."

"You always were a type who enjoyed the feasts for their food but not for arranging them," Merlin pointed out.

"I'm the king, Merlin, not a cook, or a jester or a servant. I know nothing about organising feasts. I always let other people do it for me," Arthur told him.

"I know. I was your servant after all," said Merlin teasingly. "So you're hiding from Gwen in my room. To be honest, it's not the best hiding place. She'll know that it's very likely you're here."

"She won't be looking for me," Arthur assured him. "I used some excuse."

"Fine. But you can't hide here all day. As far as I remember, Princess Mithian may arrive any time soon," Merlin told him.

Mithian, as well as Arthur's other allies, was invited for the celebration. Other guests were supposed to arrive in the evening or on the next day.

"Leon will let me know when she's here," said Arthur. "I told him where to find me."

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?" Merlin joked. "What do you want to do, then? I suppose that you're not going to sit here for a few hours, looking at the wall."

Arthur rolled his eyes in a very unkingly manner.

"Of course not. Guinevere told me that you are going to perform a special show during the feast," said Arthur.

"Yes, but what does it have to do with anything?" Merlin asked.

"You could show me something you prepared so I could judge if it's fitting for the occasion," Arthur said hopefully.

Merlin raised his eyebrow. "You just want to see me doing magic."

"I don't want you to compromise yourself in front of our guests," Arthur insisted.

Merlin shook his head. "You just enjoy watching my magic. Admit it."

The king bit his bottom lip. "All right. I like it. Is that wrong?" he asked. "I'm bored and I demand some entertainment."

"You know that I'm not a jester or something like that. I occupy a very serious position at the Court," Merlin teased.

"A position that I gave you so it can always be changed," Arthur teased him back.

"You wouldn't dare," said Merlin but smiled softly.

"Then show me some magic."

Merlin smiled a little wider. "You convinced me, Sire," he said as his eyes turned gold and the show began.

oOoOo

The celebration started amazingly. The hall was lavishly but still tastefully decorated. The Queen had seen to it.

The food on the tables looked delicious and all the guests couldn't wait to taste it.

However, the celebration had to start with Arthur's speech. He looked around and smiled at his guests and subjects. It looked genuine but Merlin could see that there was something hidden in his eyes. There was something wrong but Merlin couldn't tell what. He decided to find out once the feast was over.

During his speech, Arthur turned his attention directly to his special guests, Queen Annis, Princess Elena and Princess Mithian. Unfortunately, the fathers of the princesses couldn't make it to the celebration. Merlin heard that Mithian's father was in poor health but it was a sensitive topic.

Arthur spoke of the battle and of those who sacrificed their lives to bring peace at last to this land. He also turned towards Merlin and thanked him in front of everyone for his contribution to the battle and the events that followed. He also thanked him for his service as the Court Sorcerer and for the changes that he helped bring to the kingdom.

After the official part of the celebration, the feast started. The people were eating, drinking and talking loudly. It seemed that they enjoyed their time. Only Arthur seemed a bit reserved.

Merlin thought that it was the perfect moment for the show. After all, Arthur seemed to enjoy it the previous day. He hoped that it would cheer his king up this time too.

Merlin stood up and asked all guests for attention. "It's time for the show," he announced his own performance.

The guests stirred with excitement. Merlin sent a short glance towards Arthur and the king gave him a short nod. With this encouragement, Merlin moved towards the middle of the hall so everybody could see him in plain view.

The show began. It was simple at first with the colourful butterflies and birds flying around over people's heads. Then it started developing. The butterflies turned into the stars and the birds formed a circle and turned into a full moon. All candles in the hall went out at the same moment so the stars, moon and Merlin's golden eyes were the only source of light. Then the stars started dancing around the moon, turning into different colours. In their dance, they started forming different shapes, and before anybody could get what was happening, they all turned into a giant dragon that was breathing a colourful fire. The guests gasped at that. Finally, the dragon shattered into thousands of tiny pieces that immediately faded away. When it happened, the candles lit themselves again. The show was over.

The guests gave him a standing ovation. Merlin bowed gracefully to show them his respect and gratitude.

When the people slowly came back to their affairs, Merlin looked shortly at Arthur. To his surprise, the king wasn't entertaining his royal guests with talk. It was Gwen who was doing it in his stead. Arthur was sitting rigid, clearly thinking about something very intensely. Now Merlin was certain that there was something wrong with Arthur this day. He needed to find out what it was. He had a feeling that it was important.

The celebration went on and the guests started to move around the hall, engaging themselves in conversations with various people. Merlin liked observing them. It was his favourite part of any feast. People started to put aside their everyday masks to be more themselves.

Merlin even noticed Leon talking to Princess Mithian. They both seemed relaxed and content. There was something heart-warming about them. Merlin couldn't help feeling a punch of jealousy. For Mithian and Leon it was just the beginning and it could develop into something real and special. Merlin could never be like this with Arthur. Not in this life.

Suddenly, Merlin felt a tug at the sleeve of his robe. He turned around and stood face to face with Gwen.

"Merlin, we need to talk," the Queen told him hastily.

Merlin's heart started beating faster with worry. "Has something happened?" he asked in a whisper.

"Not here," said Gwen and led him towards the door.

Merlin wasn't sure if it was appropriate for the Queen to leave the guests in the middle of the feast but he followed her nonetheless.

Guinevere led him towards the small room which was usually occupied by servants but it was empty at the moment, as all servants were attending to the guests at the feast.

"What is it, Gwen?" Merlin asked when she finally closed the door.

Gwen turned towards him and sighed heavily. "I'm worried about Arthur," she said. "He hasn't been himself recently."

"He seemed fine yesterday," Merlin told her.

"Maybe... but I know you can see that there's something wrong with him today," Gwen insisted. "You've been watching him for an entire evening with worry written all over your face."

Merlin bit his lip. "I've noticed that he's a bit off," he admitted. "But you shouldn't worry. I'm sure it's temporary. Arthur almost died a year ago. He lost some really good people then. It leaves a scar..."

"That's not it." Gwen sounded certain. "You should talk to him. He doesn't want to share his worries with me. He needs a friend, Merlin. He needs you."

"We talk every day, Gwen," said Merlin. "Whatever it is, he doesn't want to share it with me too."

"He will if you insist." She was looking at him with hopeful eyes.

Merlin sighed. "We talked yesterday. He didn't seem off then."

"Arthur tries to hide it but something is bothering him," said Gwen. "I'm sure he doesn't want to worry you. Perhaps he feels comfortable enough around you so he forgets about his concerns for a moment. I don't know it." She smiled hopefully at him. "I only know that you can help him, Merlin. Whatever it is, please don't let my husband be in this on his own. I know that I'm asking too much of you but..."

"That's not it, Gwen," Merlin interrupted her. "I will gladly help Arthur but I'm not sure if he's going to let me. Arthur is a stubborn man."

Guinevere laughed lightly. "You don't need to tell me that," she said. "I'm his wife and I need to deal with his temper on daily basis."

Merlin only nodded silently. He understood Gwen very well.

"I really appreciate your help, Merlin," the Queen continued. "I'd love to talk to Arthur about it myself but there are certain things you don't want to share with your wife. I'm afraid that's one of them."

"As you said, Arthur needs a friend," Merlin told her quietly.

"Exactly," she confirmed, smiling at him.

"I'll try to find out what's wrong," Merlin promised her.

She hugged him tightly at these words. It felt good to be in close relations with Gwen once again. He almost forgot how much he missed her friendship. It all would have been so much easier if he wasn't head over heels in love with her husband.