The Heartbeat
Chapter 13
"An Heir"
In the end, it was Arthur who came to Merlin for help or advice or whatever fancy word he was going to use. It took him a few days after the celebration, during which he was clearly reserved and saddened, to knock on Merlin's door with determination to talk about what was bothering him recently. Merlin had tried to engage him in such conversation a few times during these days but Arthur always found an excuse to dismiss himself.
At the moment, Arthur was standing at his doors with his eyes sad and afraid but also hopeful. As Gwen put it during the feast, Arthur needed a friend and Merlin was there for him.
Merlin let his king in without a word.
Arthur stopped in the middle of the room, not being sure what to do. Merlin noticed that his shoulders were slightly trembling and this sight made his heart ache. Arthur should never be in this state. Never.
Merlin walked up to him and stood behind him. He dared to put his hand on Arthur's shoulder in order to soothe him. He knew that it wasn't much but it was something. It was a start.
"You were right, Merlin," Arthur finally spoke up. "You knew that there was something bothering me these past few days. But I couldn't make myself speak of it then. I'm not sure if I should speak of it at all..."
Merlin took a few steps to face Arthur and look into his eyes. Only in this way could he assure his friend that whatever it was, Arthur wasn't in this alone.
"You can tell me anything," said Merlin calmly. "Whatever it is, I'll be here for you."
Arthur tried to smile lightly but it was a weak attempt and his face turned into a grimace instead.
"You're always here for me," he said. "And I'm grateful for that."
"Then you know you don't need to worry," Merlin told him.
Arthur shook his head. "I'm not worried of what you're going to say. I know you won't hurt me. You're Merlin," he mumbled. "I'm worried that when I finally say it out loud, it'll come true and there'll be no denying it."
Merlin started to truly worry. He had never seen Arthur like this. The king was as vulnerable as a child. Something was clearly eating him from the inside. It was terrifying.
"Just share it. Share your worries with me. You don't need to deal with it on your own," Merlin assured him.
"That's why I'm here." Arthur gulped. "I just need a moment. I don't know how to start..."
"That's all right. I'll wait here as long as you need," said Merlin and went silent.
He could wait for Arthur forever. There was no hurry.
"The kingdom needs an heir," Arthur finally started and that wasn't something that Merlin expected. "And we tried with Guinevere. We tried all these years and there's still nothing." Merlin's heart filled with sudden pain. He knew exactly how many times Arthur and Gwen tried to conceive an heir this past year and it was a painful knowledge.
"Have you tried to talk to Gaius about it?" Merlin asked as delicately as possible. He couldn't believe that he was holding this conversation with Arthur.
"I don't think Gaius will be able to help," Arthur told him honestly.
"He is a great physician. You should at least ask for his opinion," said Merlin.
"There's no point!" Arthur sighed heavily. "He can't help it because it's my fault. I can feel it."
Merlin straightened up. "You don't know it, Arthur. Whatever problem you and Gwen have, perhaps it can be fixed.
Arthur looked at him sadly. "I can't be fixed."
"Don't say that!"
"It occurred to me a few days ago and I can't stop thinking about it ever since." Arthur hid his head in his hands. "It's so embarrassing. I shouldn't bother you..."
"You did well to come to me," said Merlin firmly and pulled Arthur's hands from his face. "Don't hide from me, Arthur Pendragon. I don't understand what you're talking about but you'll explain it to me this instant."
Arthur lowered his gaze but Merlin caught his chin and pulled it up. "I told you not to hide from me," he said. "Just tell me why you think it's your fault."
"Because I'm cursed," said Arthur.
"That's nonsense."
"Is it?" Arthur looked at his friend seriously. "It suddenly occurred to me, and when it did, everything started to make sense," he said.
"You make no sense right now," Merlin insisted. "None at all."
"My mother could not conceive a child," Arthur pointed out. "My father had to use magic to have me."
"It doesn't mean you can't have children," Merlin tried to reassure him.
"How can you know, Merlin? We've tried for years and still there's no heir." Arthur sighed. "Guinevere... she was examined by Gaius. She was worried that there was something wrong with her but Gaius didn't find anything. She should be able to conceive a child."
"It proves nothing," Merlin told him. "You went through a lot these past few years. You need to rest and calm down and..."
"I'm not going to be delusional," said Arthur. "Can't you see that what my parents did explains everything? They needed magic to have me. I was born of magic."
"It's not an answer," Merlin insisted but deep down he started to doubt it himself.
"To create a life, a life must be taken. I'm an abomination, Merlin."
"Don't you dare say that." Merlin gripped Arthur's shoulders and shook him. "You are not an abomination. Even if what you suspect is true and you're infertile because of your origin, it doesn't make you less worthy. Don't you ever forget that." Merlin was pissed off. Not with Arthur but because of what he was thinking about himself. Arthur didn't deserve that. He was the greatest and the kindest king Merlin could imagine. The matter of his supposed infertility didn't change that.
"I'm obliged to bring stability to Camelot. I can't do it without an heir," mumbled Arthur.
"You shouldn't worry about it now," Merlin told him. "You're still young and we still have time to think of something. Perhaps it doesn't have anything to do with magic and it can be fixed. But if it's not, then we will think of something different."
Arthur suddenly paled. "I'm not going to make the same mistakes my father did," he said firmly. "No matter what."
"I would never suggest that," Merlin assured him quickly. "I would never sacrifice Gwen and I know you wouldn't allow it too."
"Good," said Arthur and embraced Merlin out of the blue. He needed some consolation and Merlin was ready to give it to him. "Could you do something for me, Merlin?" he asked in a whisper after a few moments of silence.
Merlin straightened up and looked Arthur in the eye. "What is it, Arthur?"
"Could you try to find out if the way I was conceived influences my ability to have children?" he asked timidly. "It's important to me."
"I will try only if you promise me that you won't blame yourself if it does," said Merlin quietly. "And you must mean it," he emphasised.
Arthur smiled lightly for the first time this evening. "I promise," he said.
"Then you have my word too."
Merlin knew that this information could change Arthur forever but he couldn't let his friend live his life like this. He hoped that together they could go through the worst of things.
oOoOo
Weeks went by and there was still no heir. Merlin was spending most of his free time on investigating Arthur's case but there was nothing about it in all the books that he could find. He was aware that Arthur didn't give up completely and tried almost every night to father a child. The visions in his mind were very vivid and they didn't help him at all.
Finally, he came to the conclusion that he needed to seek some advice from someone older and wiser than him. The idea, however, made him feel nauseous. Arthur clearly didn't want to share the details with Gaius but if there was someone who remembered well the times when the Old Religion and its Priests and Priestesses thrived, it was him.
"Gaius, I would like to discuss a very delicate matter with you," said Merlin instead of hello and looked around, checking if they were alone in his friend's quarters.
Gaius noticed his examining gaze. "Gilli is out with the errands," the old man told him. "What is it, Merlin, that makes you so worried?"
Merlin sighed and took a seat by his mentor's side. "It's Arthur," he admitted.
Gaius nodded. "It's always Arthur, isn't it?"
Merlin couldn't help smiling lightly at these words.
"It appears so," he murmured but became serious almost immediately. "As I said, it's very delicate."
"I'm listening," said Gaius with a heavy sigh. He knew it couldn't be anything easy.
"Could you tell me more about the way Arthur was conceived?" he asked.
Gaius frowned. "Why do you need this information? You don't want to tell me that Arthur and Gwen want to..."
Suddenly, Merlin understood how his question must have sounded in Gaius' ears. "No, no, nothing like that," he assured him immediately. "Arthur would never do this to Gwen."
"I hope so," said Gaius but he sounded far from content. "Why do you need this information, then?"
Merlin sighed. It was the hard part that Arthur didn't want to share with others. Gaius, however, was their last hope. Merlin needed to take that risk.
"Arthur told me that you examined Gwen and that you couldn't find anything that could prevent her from getting pregnant," Merlin started. "Arthur came to the conclusion that he is to be blamed."
"He never came to me for examination," said Gaius. "I never dared to suggest it."
"I think that Arthur wanted to spare himself humiliation," Merlin explained. "He has his own idea about the reason why he can't father a child. He thinks it's related to the way he was brought to this world." Saying that, Merlin looked at Gaius steadily. "Is it possible that he's right?"
Gaius didn't give him an immediate answer. He leaned in his chair and closed his eyes, thinking about something very intensely.
"Gaius?" Merlin whispered his name. He didn't want to intrude him but it was very important and Merlin didn't want to waste time.
Gaius opened his eyes slowly and looked at his friend sadly. "It could be true," he admitted after a long moment of silence.
Merlin's heart sank a bit. "But you're not certain," he said hopefully.
"You know the rules, Merlin. To create a life, a life must be taken." The old man sighed heavily. "I used to think that Ygraine paid the price but perhaps the spell was more complex than any of us could think."
Merlin didn't like this answer. There was nothing certain in it and this uncertainty was worse than the worst truth. "Is there any way to be sure?" Merlin asked him.
"I'm afraid not," said Gaius sadly. "All the Priests and Priestesses that could know the answer are long gone. I'm not even sure if Nimueh would have known the answer. The Old Religion is very complex and tricky and all its secrets were never uncovered.
Merlin understood. He wanted to help Arthur but he didn't know how.
"Arthur asked me for help but I don't know what to do," he said, resigned. "He blames himself for the lack of heirs, but even if he can't have children because of the spell that brought him to this world, it's not his fault. He didn't choose it."
"And that's what you should tell him when he asks about it," Gaius advised him. "Merlin, I know that you would like to have control over everything but there are certain things beyond your power or understanding. You may be the most powerful sorcerer that ever walked the Earth but you're still a human."
"But it's important and it's annoying that I can't find the truth," mumbled Merlin.
"That's part of life. You need to learn to deal with it," said Gaius wisely.
Then the door was opened and Gilli walked in with a smile on his face.
"Hello, Merlin," he greeted him. "You've finally come to visit your friends? You shouldn't be neglecting Gaius like this." There was no accusation in his tone. It was more playful than anything but Merlin had to admit to himself that Gilli was right. He had been so focused on searching for any information on creating a life and its consequences that he neglected his oldest friend.
"It won't happen again," Merlin promised. Suddenly it occurred to him that Gaius was indeed very old and no one knew how much time he had left.
oOoOo
Weeks turned into months and Merlin let himself have a little break. He still fulfilled all his duties but when he had some free time, he spent it with his friends. He visited Gaius almost on daily basis. Moreover, he still had his talks with Arthur in the evenings but since Arthur never came back to the matter of his infertility, Merlin decided not to bring this subject back himself. Besides, Arthur's mood vastly improved these past few weeks. Merlin didn't know what was the reason but he was glad. Arthur shouldn't waste his life on dwelling on things that he couldn't control. He should live and enjoy his life as much as it was possible for the king.
"I'm going hunting tomorrow morning," Arthur told him one evening. He looked as happy as a child.
"It's beyond my understanding why you enjoy killing wild animals this much," said Merlin truthfully.
"Hunting is not about killing wild animals," Arthur protested.
"Is it?" Merlin asked. "I think that a deer or a boar that you're going to hunt tomorrow is of a different opinion," he said sarcastically.
"What did I expect? You never understood hunting," mumbled Arthur. "So you don't want to go with me tomorrow?" he asked.
Merlin looked at him steadily. "I'm flattered but I think I'll pass," he said honestly. "As you mentioned, hunting is not really my thing. As your servant, I was obliged to go with you, but since I'm the Court Sorcerer, I think I can decline your invitation."
Arthur looked almost sad hearing these words.
"If you say so," he mumbled. "I just hoped it could be like years ago."
Hearing that, Merlin was ready to agree to go despite his personal conviction, but Arthur could tell what Merlin was planning and he didn't want that.
"Don't make yourself," the king said before Merlin could utter a word. "I don't want you to do this, if it's not fun for you. I'll find someone else to go with me. Someone who enjoys hunting."
Merlin wished he could take his words back. He didn't want to make Arthur sad and the king clearly hoped for a few hours of hunting with him by his side. However, it was too late. Arthur didn't want to force him to do this.
oOoOo
On the next day, Merlin was occupied with his usual tasks. Since Arthur went hunting with Leon and Percival, he had more time to fill some reports and prepare materials for young witches and wizards who just started to embrace their gifts. Merlin was willing to help them on their way. Besides, it was a perfect opportunity to shape the minds of the future generations of magic users. Merlin was going to make sure that none of them needed to follow Morgana's path. To fulfil that, these young people had to feel secure and needed in the kingdom they lived.
Merlin was deep in his thoughts when someone knocked on the door urgently. He raised his gaze and said shortly "come in."
The door was pushed open and he saw George entering the room. However, the man didn't look his usual stable self. He was pale and clearly shaken.
"What happened?" asked Merlin, standing up from his desk in rush.
"The king's got hurt during the hunt," said George with a slightly trembling voice.
Merlin felt his heart skip a bit. "Where is he?" he asked hastily. There was nothing in this world that could stop him from getting to his king as fast as possible.
"In his own chambers. Gaius is already with him," George informed him. He wanted to add something but Merlin no longer listened to him. He walked past him and rushed towards Arthur's rooms.
He didn't waste time on knocking and burst into the royal chambers like a mad man with his magic boiling inside him.
"Arthur," he whispered and rushed towards his bed, not paying much attention to Gwen and Gaius.
"He will be all right," Gaius assured him. "The wound is quite deep but he's reacting nicely to my medicaments."
"I want to make sure," said Merlin and put his hand on Arthur's bandaged side. He whispered a few words in a language long forgotten and his eyes turned gold for a short moment. His magic was penetrating Arthur's wound, making sure that everything was going to heal nicely. When he was done, he looked at Gwen and asked, "what happened?"
Guinevere sighed heavily. "It was a boar. Leon and Percival say that it came out of nowhere and Arthur didn't have much time to make a dodge," she explained.
"It shouldn't have happened," mumbled Merlin. "I should have been there by his side, protecting him."
"You can't be by his side all the time," Gwen pointed out. She glanced at Gaius and he gave her a sign that he was leaving them alone. Arthur was safe. He was certain that from now on, Merlin was going to keep an eye on him.
When they were left alone, Gwen hugged Merlin tightly. She had a feeling that Merlin needed it.
"Arthur asked me to go with him on this hunting trip," he said. "It's my fault I wasn't there."
"Stop this nonsense," Gwen told him firmly. "Arthur is safe and strong. He'll learn to be more careful in the future."
"I'm just worried about him," Merlin admitted. "I work so hard to keep him safe and he puts himself in danger time after time."
Gwen smiled at him. "That's what he does," she said. "Do you want to stay with him until he wakes up?" she asked. "I know you won't rest until you make sure that he's completely fine."
"I would like to stay but I don't want to bother you," he said.
"You won't," she assured him. "I'll go to my side chambers to have some rest but please let me know when he wakes up. I need to talk to him very seriously about the hunting trips in the future."
Merlin smiled fondly at her. "That's two of us, then," he said. "I'll stay with him. Thank you."
"You're welcome. I know how much you care for my husband," she said. "I would never try to keep you two apart." With these words, she walked towards the doors to her private chambers.
Merlin didn't think too much about what Gwen just said to him. His attention was mostly focused on Arthur and his well-being. Deep down, Merlin knew that Arthur was safe and that he couldn't die as long as Merlin lived. Their lives were entwined, as they shared one heart. Arthur could feel pain and he could be bruised but he was going to live as long as Merlin. After all, it was half of Merlin's heart that was beating in his chest, not the other way around.
When Arthur finally gained back his consciousness a couple of hours later, Merlin scolded him for being careless but Arthur knew that it was a pose. Merlin was simply happy to see him awake.
Gwen also stated her strong opinion on Arthur's attitude towards safety. He knew that she would be coming back to the subject for the next few days because she was worried. However, it didn't matter. He couldn't focus much on what Merlin and Gwen were telling him. He couldn't stop thinking about the weird dreams that he had while he was unconscious. They were much more clear and vivid than the dreams that he usually had these days and they made him wonder about his life and his choices.