The Heartbeat
Chapter 14
"Always too soon"
These things always come too soon. Merlin knew it but this knowledge didn't make it any less painful.
Gaius died peacefully in his sleep the previous night. No one expected it. No one could. Gaius was full of life, and despite his old age, he was in great condition. He could live for a few more years but apparently his time had come. There was nothing Merlin could do to change that but he felt guilty nonetheless.
It was Gilli who found Gaius in the morning. After all, they shared the quarters and they worked together. At first Gilli didn't want to believe it. He checked Gaius' pulse several times before he let himself acknowledge the truth. He didn't know what to do and whom he should inform first. It never truly occurred to him that the day like this would come.
Eventually, he decided that he needed to inform the king. He wasn't ready to tell Merlin. He knew that the Court Sorcerer was going to be devastated.
Arthur was saddened by the news. He and Guinevere went to Gaius' quarters to pay their respect to their late friend. There were many things that had to be done before they were going to bid him a final farewell, but first of all they needed to inform Merlin. It was the hardest part.
oOoOo
Merlin was in the middle of his morning routines when someone knocked on his door. He didn't think too much about it and said: "enter!"
"Arthur?" he asked, surprised. Arthur visited him often but not in the mornings. The king had many duties that he needed to attend to before he could let himself have some leisure time.
"Sit down, Merlin," Arthur asked him. There was something decisive in his voice that made Merlin follow his request.
"What happened?" Merlin asked him when he sat down. "Arthur?"
Arthur walked up to his chair and kneeled in front of him. That wasn't something that Merlin could ever expect. It was somehow terrifying.
"You need to promise me that you won't do anything stupid," Arthur told him quietly.
"You're scaring me," whispered Merlin.
Arthur took a deep breath. He knew that there was no way to put it delicately but he had to try.
"Just say it."
"Gaius died in his sleep last night," Arthur finally dared to tell him.
Merlin's face paled instantly. "What?" he uttered in a broken voice.
He wanted to stand up and run to Gaius' rooms to see it with his own eyes but fortunately Arthur was faster. He stood up from his kneeling position and caught Merlin in his arms just before his friend's knees gave in.
"I've got you," Arthur whispered into Merlin's ear.
"I need to see him," Merlin protested but leaned on his king for support.
"Later," Arthur promised him. "When you calm down."
Merlin started sobbing on his shoulder. He'd been holding back his tears for a moment but couldn't do this any longer. Arthur stood patiently, caressing Merlin's neck in an attempt to soothe him.
"It's too soon," Merlin whispered and Arthur couldn't agree more.
Slowly, he led Merlin towards the bed and helped him lie down in it.
"Stay," Merlin whispered shyly.
"I'm not going anywhere," Arthur promised and lay down by Merlin's side.
That was something that Merlin needed at this moment. He moved towards Arthur and hid his face in the crook of Arthur's neck. Arthur didn't mind it at all. He moved closer to his friend and put his arm around his waist to hug him. Their position was a bit uncomfortable but he didn't care. Merlin was going through hell this very moment and he needed Arthur to be with him and to keep him sane.
"What shall I do now?" whispered Merlin after a long moment of silence.
"Live," said Arthur almost pleadingly. "You need to live your life. That's what Gaius would want."
Merlin took a deep breath. "I'm not going to do anything stupid," he whispered.
"I know," said Arthur. "I'm glad."
Merlin moved a bit, changing their position to a more comfortable one. They were very close with their bodies pressed into one another. It was an intimate moment and in different circumstances Merlin wouldn't have dared to let himself be in such a position. However, at this moment, he needed Arthur more than ever. He needed his consolation and understanding. He simply felt loved and cared for, and although it could never be like this between them, he couldn't care less for the time being. It almost seemed that the time stopped and that he was Arthur's and Arthur was his.
Merlin's eyes closed slowly and he fell asleep. Arthur stayed awake, watching him all that time until he woke up nearly two hours later.
He was confused at first, not knowing why Arthur was there. Then the realisation came to him, and he sat up on the bed quickly. Arthur followed him immediately.
"It wasn't a bad dream, was it?" he asked weakly and Arthur's sad eyes gave him his answer.
Merlin lowered his gaze, trying very hard to stay calm.
"Merlin..." Arthur whispered softly.
"I want to see him," said Merlin decisively. "I need to see him with my own eyes."
Arthur wanted to protest but he realised that it was pointless. Merlin needed to say goodbye to his friend. It was essential in the process of grief.
"All right," the king agreed. "We'll go to see him."
Merlin smiled at him faintly. His heart filled with an overwhelming warmth. Arthur was going to go with him. It was a small thing but Merlin was grateful. Arthur was very patient with him and displayed his care. Merlin couldn't hope for a better person to be his other half, despite all the other obstacles that were in their way.
However, nothing could prepare him for this moment. Merlin was standing in front of Gaius' body that was covered by a sheet, but he couldn't make himself lift it up.
"Take your time," Arthur told him quietly. He knew what Merlin was going through. He still remembered the day when his father died, and despite all the differences that he had with Uther, his death hurt him deeply.
"Can you do it for me?" Merlin asked him. "I need to see him but I can't make myself..."
"Of course."
Arthur walked up to him, grabbed the sheet and slowly pulled it down.
Merlin gasped. Gaius looked as if he was asleep but Merlin could see that there was no life left in him. It was just a body. A vessel. Gaius was long gone.
Merlin felt a few tears run down his cheeks. Gaius wouldn't want him to cry but the loss was stronger than that thought. He need to grieve and the tears were part of it.
"Do you want me to leave?" Arthur asked him tactfully.
Merlin didn't want to stay alone. Not in a moment like this. "No," he said firmly and grabbed Arthur's wrist to make him stay.
"All right," said Arthur and moved closer to his friend. "I'll stay as long as you need me."
Deep down Merlin felt that it wasn't right. Arthur was the king and he had kingdom to rule. It wasn't fair to occupy so much of his precious time. After all, Merlin was an adult and he had dealt with death of others many times before. He could manage on his own.
Nonetheless, he wasn't strong enough to tell Arthur to go take care of his kingdom when he was willing to stay there with Merlin. He wanted to be selfish this one time, so he gave in and let Arthur stay by his side.
oOoOo
The funeral was beautiful, at least as much as such a sad ceremony could be. Gaius was dressed in elegant robes and the boat in which his body was put was decorated with the finest flowers. Almost the whole Camelot came to bid him goodbye but it wasn't surprising. Gaius was respected by the poor and the rich equally. He was the type of man who could gain the trust of almost anyone. He had many friends during his life and this thought almost consoled Merlin.
Even Hunith came to see her old friend during his last journey. Merlin was grateful for her support. She stood firmly by his side, understanding very well what her son was going through.
When the boat with Gaius' body was ignited, she embraced Merlin tighter. The only thing that Merlin was missing was Arthur's embrace but the king couldn't display such affection towards him in public. It wouldn't be appropriate.
Hunith stayed the night in Camelot, wanting to spend as much time with her son as possible.
"You have a great life here, Merlin," she told him in the evening. "You have a respected position at the Court and you are free to use your magic."
Merlin could sense that there was a but in the air. He knew his mother too well.
"But?" he asked after a few moments of silence.
Hunith looked him in the eye. "You're not happy, son," she said sadly.
"Gaius just died, mother," he tried to explain. "I have right to be sad."
"That's not it, Merlin." She sighed. "You try to hide it but mother always knows when there's something wrong. And I can see that something is missing in your life."
Merlin lowered his gaze. "That's not important, mother. You shouldn't be worried."
"Merlin, I'm your mother. I want you to be happy," she told him.
"I am happy," he said. "At least as much as it's possible."
Hunith looked at him understandingly. "It's about Arthur, isn't it?"
Merlin's heart started beating harder at her words. He was aware that his mother knew him well but he hoped that he could hide his feelings better. He didn't want to worry her in any way.
"You're embarrassed," she said quietly. "You shouldn't be."
Merlin started trembling slightly. It was too much for one day. Gaius' funeral and this conversation. He didn't feel ready for any of this, let alone for all of it at once.
"It's complicated," Merlin told her finally.
"Perhaps you need a break," she suggested. "Perhaps you could come live with me for some time..."
"No," said Merlin firmly. "I won't leave Arthur. I can't."
"Think about it. You've been through a lot recently. You should rest and it's impossible here in Camelot. I'm sure Arthur would understand."
"He would," Merlin assured her. "He's a great... he's great. But I don't want to live apart from him. You may think it's wrong and that I'm... disgusting but..."
"Don't even think that!" Hunith scolded him. "You're not disgusting. You have a beautiful and caring heart. You shouldn't be ashamed of what you feel."
"But not all of my thoughts are beautiful and pure," he admitted. Saying it to his mother was difficult but he felt that he needed to share it with someone. Merlin wasn't as pure and selfless as some people believed. He couldn't help being jealous more often than not. He couldn't get rid of some impure thoughts that were haunting his dreams. Merlin wasn't perfect and his mother needed to know that.
Hunith looked at him sadly. "That's completely understandable," she told him. "But you have a good heart. You've sacrificed so much for this kingdom and for Arthur."
"I still lie to him," said Merlin and a couple of tears ran down his face. "I don't want to but I have to."
"I'm sure you have your reasons," said Hunith. "Sometimes we lie to the people we love the most. I'm not saying it's right or healthy but we do it to protect them."
Merlin nodded silently and Hunith hugged him tightly. Her son needed love and support. He needed her. She regretted that they were seeing each other so rarely.
"I need to visit you more often," she told him and finally released him from her embrace. "You're a grown man and you make your own choices but I can tell that you would benefit from my support from time to time."
"You could even move to Camelot if you wanted," Merlin told her.
"No," she said. "You need to live your life on your own and I need to live mine. Camelot isn't for me. I'm a village woman and that's where my place is."
"Then you should visit me more often," Merlin agreed with what she said before.
"That I can do," she promised him.
Hunith felt that her son wanted to change the subject. They had a difficult talk and he needed something to cheer him up. However, before they could do this, she felt that she needed to clarify something.
"Merlin," she said seriously and he looked at her a bit uncertainly. "I wish you could have a happier life. A life that wouldn't be full of sacrifices. A life in which you wouldn't have to hide anything from the world."
"Mother..."
"Let me finish," she asked him. "I just want my child's happiness. That's what all parents should wish for their children. But these are just my wishes... Arthur may never understand it and you deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved and cared for as much as you love and care. I want you to live your life fully. To experience it all but... but I also know that you wouldn't have been happier without Arthur in your life."
Merlin felt that it was a moment to reveal his greatest secret to his mother. He needed her to know and understand.
"You're right," he whispered. "I'm glad to live this life with Arthur as my king and my friend. I'd rather live like this for a thousand years than live my life without him. I almost lost him and I did everything I could to keep him alive. You could say that it was noble but it was selfish. I couldn't imagine a life without him. Look," he said and put her hand on his chest. "Can you feel my heartbeat?"
Hunith was surprised by his question. "Of course," she said.
"It's just a half of my heart. Arthur has the other half. Literally," he explained.
"What did you do, Merlin?" she asked, both curious and terrified.
"It was the only way to save him," he said. "And it wouldn't have worked if Arthur wasn't my other half."
"My boy..." Hunith whispered. "I used to think that you were like two sides of the same coin but I never thought that... Does Arthur know?"
"No, and he should never find out," he said firmly. "It was my choice to split my heart in two. I don't want him to feel guilty. After the years of serving him I found out that I never really had a choice. He was chosen for me by the gods or fate or I don't know what. But I also learned that even if I had a choice, I would have still chosen him. I am happy to serve him, mother. I'm happy to have him in my life and I know that he cares for me too. This is enough."
"And you say that you're selfish," she said and hugged him tightly. "Arthur doesn't know what he's missing."
"And I want to keep it that way."
oOoOo
Hunith went back to Ealdor on the next day. Merlin wasn't sure if he had done well to share his secrets and worries with her but she seemed to appreciate that. He couldn't wait for her next visit. It was good to have her around. No one could love him and accept him the way his mother did.
Once Hunith was gone, all saddening thoughts about Gaius came back to him. Luckily, Arthur was still there to keep him company in the evenings. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they laughed and other times they remained silent. It was almost perfect. Merlin kept on catching himself thinking about what could have been if the circumstances were different. It wasn't healthy but it was somehow comforting.
However, he didn't spend all his time with Arthur. It was impossible. Although they both grew even closer these days, Merlin had other friends that needed him, and he was willing to be there for them too. Moreover, their company made Merlin feel better as well. Especially Gilli's.
Gilli had become a physician after Gaius' death. Merlin was fully aware that it was scaring for his friend, therefore he was ready to help him as much as he could. Besides, it was good to occupy his thoughts with something important. Merlin had lots of experience in this field and he and Gilli made quite a team. Of course Arthur, being Arthur, was a bit grumpy about it, but even he understood that it was good both for Merlin and the kingdom. That was why Arthur learned to tolerate the quickly developing friendship between Merlin and Gilli. It was difficult but he managed. Guinevere even told him that she was proud of him which made Arthur embarrassed. He didn't realise until that moment that his jealousy of Merlin's new friendship was so transparent. He used to believe that he could hide his true emotions better than that. When he said it to his wife, she just laughed loudly and said, "Oh, Arthur. Who knows you better than your own wife? You were always like this when it concerned Merlin."
Arthur didn't like her words at all. He was a king. He was supposed to know better than to display such raw emotions as jealousy. It hurt his pride.
Their conversation was interrupted by the knocking at the door.
"Enter," said Arthur, glad that his humiliation was over. Guinevere knew him way too well. That was annoying because he couldn't read her as well as she read him.
To his surprise, it was Sir Leon who entered the room.
"Leon? Has something happened?" Arthur's voice was filled with concern. It was quite late and the knights didn't visit him at such hour unless it was something important.
"Don't worry, my lord, it's nothing horrible," Leon assured him quickly. "I just wanted to talk to you and the Queen in private. It's a personal matter but I need your permission, Sire."
Arthur was intrigued and so was Guinevere, judging by the look on her face.
"What is it, then?" the king asked.
Leon looked at him uncertainly, slightly embarrassed. "There is a woman I would like to marry but the marriage would require me to leave Camelot," he finally said.
That wasn't something that Arthur ever considered. "Is it really necessary? I wouldn't want to lose one of my best knights and my old friend," he admitted. "Can't you bring your future wife here to Camelot? I'm sure we could think of some suitable house for the two of you."
Leon smiled lightly. "I appreciate your proposition but I'm afraid it's not possible." The knight sighed. "The woman I intend to marry can't leave her home."
"It's Princess Mithian, isn't it?" Guinevere suddenly spoke up. "You two seemed very friendly during the anniversary feast."
Arthur looked at her, surprised, and then he looked back at Leon. The knight was blushing. "Yes, it's Princess Mithian," he admitted.
"That would make you the future king of Nemeth," Arthur said.
"That's not why I want to marry her," Leon assured him hastily. "Gaius' death made me realise that life is short and that I'm not getting any younger. Princess Mithian is a remarkable woman who practically rules her kingdom. Her father won't live much longer and I'm afraid that without his support, some of the counsellors will require her to marry a man of their choice. This world doesn't praise strong and independent women."
"They may choose someone from their midst," the Queen pointed out. "It may not end well."
"Precisely," Leon agreed with her. "If she marries now with her father's blessing, the counsellors will have to accept her spouse."
"Leon..." Arthur started. "Do you want to marry Mithian because it's an honourable thing to do or because you have feelings for her?"
"Both, my lord," the knight said honestly. "But I won't do it, if you don't release me from my vows to you. You are my king and only you can decide on my fate." Saying that, Leon knelt down in front of him. "I only ask you to consider all factors."
"Stand up, Leon," Arthur told him. "There's nothing to consider. As I said before, it will pain me to lose such a fine knight, but you should follow your heart and your honour. You are released from my service."
Leon's face broke out in a wide grin. "Thank you, Arthur. I mean... my lord. It means the world to me."
"I know," Arthur said. "I just lost a great knight but perhaps I'm about to gain a true ally for a lifetime."
"You can be certain of that," Leon assured him. "You are a good king and friend."
Gwen clasped her hands. "I think it calls for a celebration," she said with a wide smile. "I'm happy for you, Leon. You deserve it."
"Thank you, my lady," he said, thinking it was her that he had secretly loved many years ago. He'd loved her when no one else noticed her and when it was impossible for a nobleman to be with a peasant girl. A lot had changed since then and now he knew that Guinevere was meant for the greater things than him and his youthful affection.
"It's Gwen for you, Leon," she reminded him. "Just Gwen."