The Heartbeat
Chapter 15
"Doubts"
Merlin and Gilli worked a lot together. There was something refreshing in the physician's occupation that let Merlin forget about his worries. Gilli was also a great companion and Merlin enjoyed their talks very much. He was always happy to give an advice to the young physician and in return Gilli was ready to listen to Merlin's problems if it was needed. Moreover, they often understood each other without words, which sometimes irritated Arthur, so they silently decided not to show it in public too often. Nonetheless, this ability made their work much easier and quicker so they didn't want to give it up completely.
It didn't mean, however, that Merlin stopped missing Gaius. He missed his old friend a lot but in time he learnt to deal with the loss, and the pain lessened significantly. The thought that Gaius had a long and meaningful life made it easier. Besides, Merlin knew that Gaius would want him to go forward with his life. So he did.
He was missing his mother as well. He wished that she could live somewhere closer to Camelot but she told him that Ealdor was her place. Merlin understood that. The small village had its charm and his mother spent there her entire life. Merlin couldn't expect her to leave the only place she considered home just because he was missing her madly. He was a grown man who needed to live his own life. He didn't need to have his mother around all the time.
"You're distracted," Gilli pointed out one day.
"I'm sorry," murmured Merlin in response.
Gilli shook his head. "Don't be sorry." He sighed. "What's happened?"
"Nothing," Merlin assured him. "I was just thinking about my mother."
"You miss her. That's natural. You don't need to be ashamed."
"I'm not ashamed," said Merlin hastily. "I miss her because I always could tell her anything."
Gilli looked at him seriously. "You know that you can tell me anything too, don't you?" he asked. "I won't judge you."
"I know," said Merlin. "I just don't want to be a burden."
"You won't be," Gilli assured him."I know you had this kind of relationship with Gaius. He was your confidant and your friend. I know I'm not Gaius. We don't share as many memories as you did with him but I can be your friend. You're not alone in this world."
Merlin smiled at him lightly. "Thank you, Gilli, I appreciate that," he said. "You can count on me too."
"I already do," said Gilli and they both laughed wholeheartedly. It was a good start.
oOoOo
The life in Camelot started to be surprisingly peaceful these days. It didn't seem like the old Camelot Merlin remembered, full of threats and dangers. He wasn't going to complain. It was a nice change after all these tough years.
However, the peaceful life couldn't last forever. Merlin learnt that in a hard way.
It started innocently at first. He was helping Gilli as he usually did these days and they were talking about some irrelevant things when suddenly Gilli said something that made Merlin wonder.
"Is the Queen older than the King?" he simply asked.
Merlin looked at him, clearly surprised. "They're more or less the same age. You know... the Queen was once a peasant girl and no one notes the exact birthdate of us peasants but I'm almost sure that Elyan once mentioned that Gwen was born during the same year as Arthur."
"Elyan?" Gilli asked.
"Gwen's brother," Merlin explained. "He's already dead."
Gilli nodded understandingly. That was why he didn't recognise the name.
After a moment of silence, Merlin couldn't stand it any longer and asked a question himself. "Why are you asking about the Queen's age?"
"It's nothing important," the physician mumbled.
"Gilli." Merlin insisted. There was something suspicious about Gilli's behaviour, and once Merlin noticed that, he couldn't just let it go.
Gilli sighed. "I'm their physician and I notice certain things," he started. "The Queen is still quite young but I can see some signs of ageing in her body. And that's perfectly normal. She's ageing slowly and nicely but the King..."
"Is something wrong with Arthur?" Merlin started to be a bit worried. He didn't notice anything new about Arthur recently but he could have skipped something.
"There's nothing wrong," Gilli assured him hastily. "King Arthur is in a great shape. There's just something strange about him."
Merlin frowned. "What exactly?"
"He doesn't seem to age at all to me," Gilli admitted. "Perhaps it just runs in his family. I don't know the medical history of his ancestors very well. I haven't been in Camelot that long. But perhaps..." Gilli went silent and glanced curiously at Merlin.
"Just say it, Gilli," Merlin asked him.
"Couldn't it be your magic?" he asked hesitantly.
The frown on Merlin's forehead deepened. "I'm not doing anything to stop Arthur from ageing," said Merlin. "I never even thought about it."
"Perhaps you do it unconsciously," Gilli suggested. "You don't seem to age much yourself. At least recently."
Merlin wanted to deny it but he couldn't. He didn't give it much thought before but it seemed to be true. He always looked younger than he actually was. Perhaps it made him so oblivious to his recent lack of ageing. Merlin was no longer sure what was true and what wasn't. Half-consciously he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. His complexion was as smooth as always. He could see a few wrinkles on his forehead but they were there before Camlann. He was sure that he'd gained them because of his constant worrying about the prophecy about Arthur and Mordred. It all made him wonder if his magic was doing it to him without his knowledge. Some sorcerers and witches made themselves look younger deliberately. Nimueh was a perfect example. She must have been at least as old as Uther but she looked very young until her last days.
"If I knew it would make you worry, I would've never mentioned that," Gilli said, interrupting his chain of thoughts. "I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't be," Merlin told him. "I'm glad you made me notice certain things. I need to investigate them," he said decisively.
Gilli looked at him suspiciously. "I don't like it, Merlin," he said honestly. "It's surely nothing serious. It must be your magic playing tricks..."
"Perhaps you're right," said Merlin and sighed heavily. "But it could be something else. I need to find out the truth to be certain."
"How are you going to find out?" Gilli asked him. "You read all the books you could find about magic. That's impressive, by the way, but since all other high priests and priestesses are gone, you are the most knowledgeable person in the field of magic."
"Exactly," said Merlin. "A person."
Gilli gasped. "Are you going to call Kilgharrah?" he asked in disbelief.
"No, of course not," Merlin assured him. "I think I told you that I set him free. He took a great part in rescuing Arthur. I promised him that I would never call him again. It was out of gratitude. I will not break my word."
"Who, then?" asked Gilli, fearing the answer.
"The Sidhe," Merlin said firmly.
"It's not a good idea," Gilli told him. "You know what they're like."
"I know it very well," Merlin confirmed. "I'm sure they won't be happy to help me but they're the only creatures old enough to have answers to my questions. I should have paid them a visit long time ago. I waited too long."
"It's insane," said Gilli but smiled lightly. He knew that there was nothing he could do to stop Merlin. Once the idea was born in his mind, he was unstoppable. "Promise me to be careful."
"I will be," Merlin promised him and smiled back.
"Don't promise them too much," Gilli warned him. "They are greedy."
"Don't worry about it. They may have the knowledge I seek but I am Emrys and they fear me," he said half-jokingly. "I'm sure we will find a compromise."
"Merlin, you can't be too cocky with them," said Gilli warningly. "You may be Emrys but they know things we can't imagine. It's their advantage. If you're not careful, they will trick you in one way or another."
"I met them before, Gilli. I know how to deal with them," Merlin assured him.
"It's still risky," said Gilli. "They hurt many people before. Wise people. I don't know why you insist on visiting them so much but it must be important to you."
"It is," Merlin assured him.
"I know you met the Sidhe before but every Sidhe is different. I heard many stories about them. I met people who lost their loved ones because of them." Gilly looked at him seriously. "You went through a lot in your life. I don't want you to get hurt more. You are my friend."
Merlin smiled warmly at him. "That's very touching," he said. "I understand your worries but there's no need for them. I know what I'm doing."
Gilli shook his head, resigned. "Are you going to tell the king where you're going?" he asked.
"Of course not," said Merlin. "I don't want him to worry. I'll just tell him that I need to do some research. It won't even be a lie."
"It won't be entirely true either," Gilli pointed out.
"I know what you think, Gilli, but it's important to me. I just want you to back up my story if Arthur starts asking you."
Gilli looked at him pointedly. "I don't think the king will come here to ask me questions about your little quest. He requests my presence only when he deems it necessary."
"He would do it, if he found my behaviour suspicious," said Merlin. "He knows I've been spending a lot of time here recently."
"And he doesn't like it," Gilli murmured. "He's jealous and you know it."
"It's not important right now," said Merlin firmly. He didn't want to have this conversation again. "I just need to know if you're on my side in this. Will you back up my story if Arthur asks you about it?"
"Of course," Gilli confirmed. "I always support you, even if I don't really like what you're doing."
"Thank you," said Merlin honestly. "It's good to know."
oOoOo
Luckily, Arthur didn't ask many questions about Merlin's little quest.. The king looked a little sad when he heard that Merlin was going to be absent for a few days but he understood that it was essential for Merlin's research. He didn't understand magic very well but he understood and admired Merlin's commitment to his position as the Court Sorcerer.
Arthur asked only one question when Merlin informed him about his plans. "Is it dangerous?"
Merlin didn't want Arthur to worry about him but his concern was touching. "Not more dangerous than my previous quests," he answered not entirely honestly. The truth was that he had no idea how dangerous his mission was going to be.
Arthur nodded and said, "Just don't do anything stupid."
"I won't," Merlin promised and said his goodbye. Being far from Arthur felt different these days but he couldn't be always by his side. Sometimes, he needed to have a quest of his own. Alone.
He started his journey at dawn. There was no time to waste. He took the fastest horse he could find because he wanted to come back as soon as possible. They lived in quite peaceful times but he didn't want to tempt fate. Arthur and Camelot needed his protection regardless of circumstances.
The day was quiet. It didn't feel at all as if something life-changing was going to happen.
Merlin had breaks only to feed and water his horse. He was too anxious to eat himself.
When the day came to an end, he knew that he had to let the horse rest. However, he wasn't far from the Lake of Avalon and he didn't want to waste more time. He was certain that he wouldn't sleep anyway. His anxiety was too strong for that.
Not thinking too much, Merlin tied his horse to a tree and put a protection spell on its surroundings. He didn't want the horse to get hurt by some wild animals while he was gone. He made sure that it would be safe until he came back.
Having it done, Merlin rushed towards the Lake. He was going to reach it in an hour or two, depending on his pace. He wasn't too good in estimating.
The journey to the Lake went by quicker than he expected. He had a clear aim in his mind and he was completely focused on it.
When he reached the shore, the moon was high in the sky. The air above the Lake was cool but Merlin liked this refreshing feeling. He was ready for what was to come. He took a deep breath and said as loud as he could, "The Sidhe, I'm calling you!"
Nothing happened, as he expected. The Sidhe weren't the compliant creatures. In order to get to them, Merlin needed to be patient and insistent.
"The Sidhe!" he started again. "I want to talk to you as a creature of magic with other creatures of magic. We were born of the same elements."
"It's not going to be enough," suddenly, he heard a female voice. He turned in the direction of its source and couldn't help smiling when he saw a young woman. "Freya," he greeted her. "I didn't expect to see you."
Freya smiled at him from the Lake. "I know," she said. "So many years have passed."
"And you're still here," he whispered.
"I will always be here," she told him. "Even when you can't see me, I'm here. This is my home, as long as the Lake exists."
"You deserve more," said Merlin a bit sadly.
"I like it here," she said honestly. "It's peaceful. Most of the time."
Merlin nodded understandingly. He wasn't sure what else he should say. He once loved that girl and wanted to build his future with her. It seemed like ages had passed since those times.
"You don't need to feel guilty," Freya told him as if she could read his mind. "I understand. Your heart belongs to someone else now."
"Quite literally," Merlin couldn't help saying, which only widened her smile.
"You're looking for some answers," she said eventually.
"It would be too much to expect that you know them, wouldn't it?" he asked.
"I'm afraid so," Freya confirmed it. "You need the Sidhe but they are proud creatures. It won't be easy."
"Do you know them well, Freya?"
"Not well enough," she told him sadly. "They don't trust people, even if they have magic."
"What shall I do, then?" Merlin asked her. "I need to talk to them."
"Show them that you mean it," she gave him an advice. "They respect power. They're drawn to it like a moth is drawn to a flame. You need to gain their respect."
"Thank you, Freya," he said. "I think I know what I should do."
"You're welcome, Merlin. It's always good to see you." She looked at him almost longingly which made Merlin feel a bit guilty.
"Can I do something for you?" he asked her.
"Love your king in a way you couldn't love me. He's worth it and the world needs this love," she told him.
Merlin blushed slightly. Talking to Freya about his feelings for Arthur was both embarrassing and thrilling.
"I already love him in a way that scares me," he admitted sheepishly.
"I know," she said quietly. "Good luck, Merlin."
Before Merlin could add anything else, Freya was gone. He sighed inwardly. Perhaps it was better this way. Then he remembered why he had come to the Lake and what Freya told him a moment ago. He knew what he had to do.
Merlin closed his eyes and raised his hands, trying to focus all his magic on the surface of the Lake. He took a few deep breaths and started reciting words the meaning of which he didn't know. They were coming deep from inside of him, pouring into the world. Suddenly, he opened his eyes, feeling that they were emanating more gold light than usually. His magic was wild and beautiful. The Sidhe had to feel it too. It was too strong to be ignored.
In less than a minute, Merlin found out that Freya was right. He noticed a small rip in the water and then it started growing and growing. Before he could do anything, three creatures got out of it and hovered above the surface of the Lake, leering at Merlin suspiciously.
Merlin withdrew slowly his powers and looked at the Sidhe triumphantly.
"Why did you call us?" asked the creature that looked the oldest.
"I need some answers," said Merlin in an authoritative voice. "I believe you have them."
"Why would we help you, Emrys?" asked the only female Sidhe that came to see him. "You're no friend of ours."
"I admit that we had a difficult past but what's done is done," Merlin told them. "I never meant to torment you."
The oldest one snorted. "We do not trust you."
"As far as I know, you trust no one," Merlin pointed out. "But we are creatures of magic. We should be on the same side."
"We will never be on the same side as the son of men," said the one that remained silent until that moment. "We're Sidhe."
"I understand," said Merlin, "but perhaps there's something I could give you in return for your answers."
The Sidhe looked at one another.
"Perhaps," said the oldest one. "Tell us what you want to know and we'll consider it."
Merlin had to stop himself from expressing his joy. He needed to stay calm, otherwise the Sidhe would deceive him. "I need to know how the heart-sharing works and how it influences me and Arthur. I have a feeling that my magic does things that I don't control, and I don't like it. I just need to know the truth."
The female Sidhe snorted. "Shouldn't you have asked these questions before you decided to split your heart in two?" she asked viciously.
"There was no time then," said Merlin truthfully. "I had to save my king."
"You altered your destiny, Emrys," said the oldest one. "These things always come with consequences."
Merlin started getting impatient. "Do you know the answers to my questions or not?" he asked, wanting to end it once and for all.
"Of course we do," said the Sidhe.
"Will you share them with me?"
The female Sidhe smirked. "It depends," she said.
"On what?" asked Merlin but he didn't like the tone of her voice.
"On your decision. You have no idea what's ahead of us," she told him.
"A difficult time for Albion and magic is coming," the most silent Sidhe added. "We need an alliance."
"With me?" Merlin had to clarify it. "I thought you didn't trust me."
"Of course we don't trust you," the oldest one confirmed. "The Sidhe keep the knowledge of many generations but we're not as powerful as we used to be. We're decimated and we may not have a choice but to create an alliance with you."
"We need protection," the female Sidhe explained.
"And you believe that I can protect you from all the threats that are coming?" asked Merlin in disbelief. "I'm not as powerful as you deem me to be."
The three of them sneered. "You have no idea," said the oldest one.
"All right." Merlin had enough. "If you believe in my powers so much, then you have my word that I will protect you," he said.
"We don't want your word. The word of man is worthless," said the female Sidhe.
"What do you want, then?" Merlin asked. He wished the creatures of magic were more direct in their interactions with people.
"A few droplets of your blood, Emrys," the oldest explained. "That shall be enough to protect our home."
Merlin frowned. He did not expect such turn of events.
"What kind of magic is that?" he asked suspiciously.
"This is the first protection spell that was created," the Sidhe explained. "It's also the most efficient one."
Merlin knew that he had no choice if he wanted to find out what was happening to him and Arthur.
"I agree to your terms," he said, "but if you deceive me in any way, you'll know my rage."
"There will be no need for your rage," the oldest Sidhe told him. "Your protection is in our best interest."
"Very well, then. How should I give you the droplets of my blood?" he asked.
"Pour them into the Lake right from your finger," the Sidhe said. "That shall be enough."
Merlin nodded and did as he was told. He felt a sudden wave of his magic surrounding the Lake. It surprised him a bit that it went so quickly.
"I did my part," he said. "Now I require the answers."
"What exactly do you wish to know?" the Sidhe asked him.
"First of all, I think that I and Arthur stopped ageing," he explained. "I didn't put any spell on us. At least not intentionally."
"It's easy," the oldest Sidhe told him. "All your answers are in your name, Emrys."
"In my name?" he looked at them suspiciously. "What does it have to do with anything? I did what you wanted and I require straight answers."
"It's easy, Emrys. Haven't you ever wondered what your Druid name truly means?" The Sidhe asked him.
"It's just a name," said Merlin. "It doesn't have to mean anything."
"You people are ignorant," he said. "You focus on trivial things while you completely ignore what's most important."
"Enlighten me, then," said Merlin impatiently. "What does Emrys mean? The one who's naïve?" he asked mockingly.
The Sidhe snorted once again. "How someone as ignorant as you can be the great Emrys is beyond my understanding. Emrys is not just a name. It's a prophecy and it means Immortal."
Merlin gaped at them in disbelief. They couldn't be serious.
"You're lying," he accused them.
"You're in denial," they replied. "Whether you want it or not, you are immortal. The Once and Future King was supposed to die in the aftermath of Camlann and you were supposed to walk the Earth for centuries, waiting for his return. However, you changed your destiny. You saved Arthur Pendragon, creating a completely new path of your destiny."
It was too much for Merlin. He wanted to run away and hide somewhere where no one could find him, but he needed more answers. He needed to know the whole truth.
"If I'm immortal and Arthur is going to live as long as I do, does it mean...?" Merlin couldn't make himself to finish this sentence. He feared that once it was said, there would be no denying it.
"When you split your heart in two and put its half in his chest, you made him immortal too," the Sidhe confirmed his fears.
"That's why we're not getting any older," Merlin said more to himself than to them. "But it can't be true... it just can't."
"It is the truth. You were told that the alteration of your destiny would have dire consequences," they said. "Does it answer all your questions?"
Merlin gulped. A few moments ago he had dozens of questions running through his head but this one thing answered them all. He was speechless. He needed to think it through.
"That's all," he told the Sidhe, letting them go. He was too dumbstruck to face them. He wanted to stay alone.
The Sidhe didn't have to be told twice. In mere seconds Merlin was left alone on the shore of the Lake that once again seemed quiet and innocent. However, Merlin couldn't admire its beauty while the storm was raging inside him.