The Heartbeat
Chapter 16
"Mad inside"
Merlin didn't know how he managed to come back to Camelot. His way back was blurred and it went quickly. The night turned into the day and then into another night. All he knew was that he reached Camelot in the late evening and that someone took the reins from his hands and led his horse to the stables. Merlin didn't even acknowledge who it was.
When he was left alone, he wasn't sure what to do. Coming back to his chambers where he would be left alone with his own thoughts seemed unbearable. Merlin wanted to forget about his problems, even if it could only be for a short moment. He wanted to be oblivious again. He couldn't believe how much he'd wanted to find out the truth.
That was why he found himself going in the direction of the Lower Town with an intention of finding the most disgusting and godforsaken tavern.
Before he entered it, he pulled a hood over his eyes, hoping that no one would recognise him. He didn't want any rumours to reach Arthur's ears. It would raise the questions Merlin wasn't ready to answer.
He ordered an ale, and then another one and another. After some time he stopped counting them. He had enough money to drink himself to death but then again he couldn't do that because he was immortal. Merlin groaned, wondering if there was enough ale in the world to make him forget about it even for a moment. He started doubting it.
Finally, Merlin reached the moment when he couldn't drink any longer. His whole body was aching and his bladder was full. He needed to relieve himself but to do that he needed to stand up first and it was a challenge in his current state. Merlin would like to call it walking but it was more like crawling. Nonetheless, he eventually managed to get out of the tavern. He heard some sneers but he just couldn't care less. These people considered themselves superior to him because they could handle their alcohol better. Merlin hoped that he would never get to their level of tolerance to alcohol and it meant something since he was going to have a very long life. And again this thought haunted him. Merlin just felt defeated.
Once he emptied his bladder, he decided that there was no point in coming back inside. He couldn't stop thinking about his and Arthur's future even in this state. He just couldn't forget.
His way back to the castle seemed impossible but Merlin needed to try and with a little help of his magic he managed to do that. However, passing by the guards unnoticed was another story. He hid himself in the shadows, wondering how to do this, when he thought about Gilli. The physician told him that he could always count on him. Merlin wasn't sure if he was ready to face him but it was a better alternative to facing Arthur, and he was certain that the guards would inform the king about his state. He groaned inwardly and tried to focus on the magical connection that most people of magic had. He needed to call Gilli telepathically which was difficult with his head dizzy with alcohol.
Merlin closed his eyes and focused on his friend. He wasn't far from him and in different circumstances it would be an easy task. This time, however, it took Merlin a few minutes to find the connection and once he felt it he lost it immediately. It was frustrating.
Luckily, Gilli heard his first call and formed a connection himself. It was much easier to respond to one than to maintain it.
Are you back? Gilli asked him in his head.
Yes...need help, Merlin managed to reply.
You're hurt? Gilli was clearly worried about him and Merlin hated it.
No... just drunk...the guards...
I'm coming, said Gilli and broke the connection.
Merlin was glad more than ever that he and Gilli had this ability to understand each other so easily.
It didn't take long for Gilli to find him. Merlin was aware that he was in a horrible state and expected to see disappointment in his friend's eyes. Gilli, however, was mostly worried and only a little bit annoyed.
He stretched his arm to help Merlin stand up.
"We need to hurry," Gilli told him.
"The guards...?" mumbled Merlin.
"Let's say that they won't bother us for a few minutes," he said and pulled Merlin towards the gate.
When they walked through it, Merlin noticed two guards sleeping on the ground.
"They'll wake up in a moment," murmured Gilli. "They won't remember anything."
Merlin was grateful for such a friend as Gilli. He did it all without asking any questions.
"Don't worry. I'll interrogate you later myself," Gilli assured him, knowing very well what he was thinking about.
That much Merlin already knew. He only hoped that this later would really come later. It didn't. Instead of taking Merlin to his chamber upstairs, Gill led him towards his own quarters. At first, Merlin wanted to protest but he wasn't able to do that efficiently in his current state.
"Sit down," said Gilli when they finally reached his quarters and helped him take a seat in a chair. "You should drink some water," he added and rushed to bring him a jug.
That was exactly what Merlin needed. He drank the water quickly and looked at Gilli gratefully. That was all he was able to do with so much alcohol still running in his veins.
Gilli watched him with worry written all over his face which made Merlin feel even more guilty. Gilli deserved a better friend than him. That was certain.
"I don't know what could push you to do that to yourself but it can't be as bad as you think it is right now," Gilli told him reassuringly.
"It is bad," mumbled Merlin and hid his face in his hands. His head was pounding and he felt utterly helpless.
"We will talk about it in the morning when you're sober," said Gilli in a highly authoritative voice. "You should sleep in your old bed tonight. It's safer this way."
"Nothing's safe," murmured Merlin. "Definitely not me. Arthur will be mad when he finds out... and he will..."
"You need some sleep," Gilli told him but this time in a much friendlier tone. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it won't seem as bad in the morning."
Merlin snorted and said, "Sleep won't change anything."
"We shall see."
"Gilli..." Merlin looked at him seriously. For a moment he seemed quite sober and it scared Gilli. There was something disturbing in his eyes that made Gilli shudder.
"Yes, Merlin?" he asked.
"What would you do if... if someone made you immortal without your knowledge?" Merlin finally dared to ask. He still felt terrible but the alcohol no longer seemed to have such a strong effect on him. Getting drunk was a mistake. It didn't make him forget. It just made him feel sick and generally worse than when he found out the truth.
For a short moment, Gilli gaped at him in silence. Then he realised that he should say something. Merlin was expecting some response. He needed it.
"You turned Arthur immortal?" Gilli just couldn't believe it. "How?" Suddenly, he forgot that Merlin needed to rest. The news was too shattering. He just needed to find out what happened.
"Not on purpose," Merlin assured him.
Gilli shook his head. "How is it even possible? Immortality is not an elemental magic. It couldn't just happen out of nowhere."
Merlin sighed. "It didn't," he whispered. "I never told you how exactly I saved Arthur after Camlann and it's a consequence of what I've done. Arthur was dead and I couldn't stand it," he admitted. "I made a pact to bring him back. Arthur's heart was too sick to sustain a life and the only way for him to live was to give him another heart."
"Merlin, what did you do?" Gilli looked at him both with sadness and fear.
Merlin bit his lip and continued his story. He needed Gilli to understand. He couldn't bear the news on his own.
"There was a small chance of Arthur's survival with half of my heart. So I did what had to be done and I changed our destinies," he admitted, trembling. "Now he's going to live as long as I live and the Sidhe just told me that I'm immortal. The Once and Future King was supposed to die in the aftermath of Camlann and I was supposed to wait for him. For centuries!"
Then Gilli understood it all. "So if you're immortal and half of your heart beats in Arthur's chest... it makes him immortal too," he finally said.
"Exactly," said Merlin through tears. He couldn't hold them any longer. He was too weak.
Gilli had many questions but it was not the right time for them. Merlin was in a terrible state and he needed to have some rest.
"I know it all seems horrible right now but you should have some sleep before you decide what to do," Gilli told him caringly.
"I won't fall asleep," Merlin mumbled. "Not with all these things running through my head."
Gilli looked at him sadly. "I will help you," he said. "Come on. You need to stand up. I won't carry you to your old bed."
To his surprise, Merlin followed his request without any resistance. The truth was that the warlock simply didn't care what was going to happen to him any longer.
Gilli led him to his old room. It seemed small and empty in comparison to his new chamber but Merlin preferred it that way. Gilli helped him lie down in his old narrow bed and before he could say anything, he heard his friend murmur something. It was a sleeping spell but Merlin failed to realise that because he fell into a deep dreamless sleep right after it was spoken.
"Sleep well, Merlin," Gilli whispered and put a blanket over his body.
He needed to have some sleep too, in order to have a clear mind in the morning. He couldn't just leave Merlin on his own with this mess. His friend needed him more than ever.
oOoOo
Merlin woke up in the morning with a massive headache. He was a bit confused, wondering where he was for a few moments. Then the realisation hit him like a blow. He fell back on the bed, groaning. He remembered that he got terribly drunk the previous night but most of all he remembered why he did that. His heart was beating madly in his chest, and he knew that sooner or later he would have to face Arthur. It just seemed too much for him.
He was lying in his old bed for a longer while but the thirst made him get up eventually. He didn't want to look Gill in the eye after the events of the last night, but he knew that he couldn't avoid it. His friend needed to hear an apology and explanation. Merlin was ashamed of himself but he needed to bear it bravely.
"Hello, Gilli," he said timidly when he entered his friend's room.
Gilli looked at him, surprised.
"I didn't expect you to wake up so early," he said honestly and rushed towards the table. "Please drink this," he added, handing him a mug. "It's for a hangover."
Merlin took the mug from his friend and looked at him with embarrassment.
"Thank you," he said, not knowing what else he could say, and drank the contents of the mug in one gulp.
It tasted horrible but Merlin knew that he deserved far worse.
"Now water," said Gilli and gave him another mug.
Merlin drank it obediently. "I don't deserve you," he said eventually.
"Don't say that." Gilli sighed and looked at him seriously. "We should talk now."
Merlin nodded. He knew it was inevitable.
"I should have never put this burden on you," he said quietly.
"You did the right thing," Gilli assured him. "You don't have to face your problems on your own. You have friends in Camelot who are here for you. When are you going to understand that?"
Merlin shook his head. "That was too personal to share," he explained. "What I did yesterday was immature. How could I believe that getting drunk could solve anything? That was just stupid."
"With that one thing I agree," Gilli said and smiled at him lightly. "But you did well to ask me for help."
"I had no choice. If the guards had seen me in such a state, they would have informed Arthur, and he can't find out." Merlin hid his face in his hands. His head was still aching but the pain was slowly decreasing.
"Merlin..." Gilli started delicately. "You realise that Arthur will find out sooner or later, don't you? It's not something you can hide from him forever. One day he'll notice that he's not like the others, and he'll start asking questions."
Merlin raised his gaze and looked at him in horror.
"You can't tell him," he said firmly. "Promise me you won't."
"Of course I won't tell him," Gilli assured him. "But you should. You will have to do it one day."
"I know," said Merlin, "but I'm not ready yet. I just don't want him to find out the truth. I don't want him to hate me."
"I don't think he's capable of hating you, Merlin," he said softly. "You two share a special bond and I know he wasn't given a choice but perhaps he won't consider it the worst thing in the world."
Merlin looked at him doubtfully. "How could he not?" he asked. "Arthur has a life here in Camelot. He loves his wife dearly. The knowledge that one day it all will crumble and he will be the only one to stay... it will just crush him."
"He won't be alone," Gilli pointed out. "He will have you."
Merlin snorted. "Me who made him suffer in that way. That's very comforting," he said bitterly.
"Think about the alternative," said Gilli. "If you hadn't done that, he would have been dead right now."
"Arthur's a warrior. I'm sure he'd rather die in a battle, protecting his people, than slowly watch all the people he cares about die," Merlin told him. "And I will be the one to blame."
"You should let him decide that," said Gilli. "Surely, he may be angry and confused at first but in time he'll understand."
"I know you're trying to console me but it's pointless." He sighed. "I did it myself and I'll face the consequences when the time comes. Now I should come back to my responsibilities as the Court Sorcerer. I've neglected them long enough."
"Are you going to pretend that nothing happened?" Gilli asked him in disbelief. "You'll just face Arthur, knowing that you hide the truth from him? The truth that concerns him the most?"
"I will try," said Merlin honestly.
"Don't do it to yourself, Merlin," Gilli asked him. "Don't live like that."
"Don't worry. I have plenty of life ahead of me. I can afford wasting some of it," he said bitterly.
"Merlin..."
"I made up my mind, Gilli," he said firmly. "Now please excuse me. I have work to do." Saying that, he walked out of Gilli's chambers, leaving him stunned.
oOoOo
Merlin resumed his duties with an extraordinary commitment. The truth was that he was ready to do anything if it meant that he could avoid Arthur a bit longer. However, when the king realised that Merlin came back and didn't let him know about it, he was slightly surprised. He came to Merlin's chambers as soon as his own duties allowed him but Merlin didn't seem pleased to see him.
"Has something happened?" Arthur asked uncertainly.
"No, why?" Merlin mumbled, looking through some papers.
"You didn't come to me to say you're back," the king said. "Hasn't it occurred to you that I could be worried?"
"I have a lot of work to do, Arthur," he said. "I didn't want to lose more time and I assumed that you would find out I'm back one way or another."
Arthur didn't like the tone of Merlin's voice in the slightest. There was something dismissive and emotionless about it.
"I understand that you're busy but could you at least enlighten me about the outcome of your mission?" asked Arthur in the most neutral tone he could muster at the moment. "You were very secretive about it."
"I found what I was looking for," Merlin answered honestly.
"Which is?" Arthur asked curiously. He tried to get him to talk about anything. There was something strange about Merlin at the moment and Arthur just wanted to get the old Merlin back.
"You won't understand it anyway," he lied. "It concerns ancient magic."
"If it's about the question I asked you months ago, you can tell me," Arthur assured him.
Merlin looked at him, surprised. He had no idea what Arthur was talking about.
"If you confirmed that I can't have children because of the way I was conceived, that's fine," Arthur clarified. "I came to terms with the idea that I won't be a father some time ago."
Merlin felt even worse than before. He completely forgot about this request. He hated himself for being such a terrible friend.
"Your case is complicated," he said a bit dismissively.
"Just tell me if you believe it's true. I can handle it," said Arthur in an almost pleading tone.
"It's most likely true but I'm not certain," Merlin told him finally. "I'm sorry."
Arthur nodded silently. Merlin had a feeling that Arthur needed consolation but he wasn't able to give it to him. Once again he scolded himself for being an awful friend, but at the moment he was a mess himself and he just couldn't be there for Arthur.
"Now if you excuse me, there is somewhere I need to be." Merlin hated himself for saying that, and when he saw hurt written on Arthur's face, he felt even worse.
"I won't stop you then," said Arthur a bit coldly and rushed out of his chambers.
Merlin wished he was brave enough to deal with it in a better way. He felt like an utter coward.
oOoOo
Arthur didn't understand it. Merlin was cold and he avoided him all the time. He knew that something must have happened during Merlin's quest but he had no means to find out what it was. He was desperate enough in his attempt to understand it to try to get something from Gilli. Unfortunately, Gilli was a loyal friend and told him that if he was worried about Merlin, he should talk to him directly. Now Arthur was certain that Gilli knew the truth and it made him even more annoyed.
"That's unbelievable," he said to Gwen. "Something's happened to Merlin. He's not himself and no one wants to tell me what's wrong."
Guinevere looked at him knowingly. "I understand that you're worried and angry but perhaps you should give him more time," she said wisely.
"I've given him enough time, Guinevere," said Arthur. "It's been over a week and every time I try to talk to him, he finds some weak excuse. That's not how he should treat his king."
"Calm down, Arthur. That's not how you should look at it." She led him towards the armchair, and once he was seated, she started massaging his shoulders to ease the tension. "You're not angry because Merlin is ignoring his king. You're angry because he's avoiding a friend," she continued. "Don't mix these two things or else you two will never find a common ground."
"He doesn't let me find it," Arthur pointed out. "How am I supposed to fix it if he doesn't let me know what the problem is?"
Gwen smiled at him lovingly. "Merlin won't be like this forever," she assured him. "You're unbearable when you're apart for too long. Both of you. Merlin misses you too and he won't be able to avoid you much longer."
"He's so powerful. He could be anywhere... Why is he still here in Camelot if he can be anywhere he wants?" Arthur asked her out of the blue.
"I thought that was obvious," his wife told me. "He's here for you, Arthur. He believes in you."
"It doesn't seem true any more," said Arthur sadly.
"It's been only a week, Arthur, and you're dramatising. Merlin is not going anywhere," Gwen assured him.
"How can you be sure, Guinevere?"
"I just am," she said firmly. "And I'm going to end this nonsense tomorrow. I'll have a little chat with Merlin since it bothers you so much."
Arthur wanted to say that he was a grown man, a king, and he could handle it on his own. Instead, he smiled at his wife, kissed her hand and said, "Thank you, Guinevere. You're the best wife I could imagine."