Things had happened quickly after Lincoln's miraculous recovery. We were escorted back to Arkadia and Clarke left to negotiate with the Grounders' commander, Lexa. Lincoln was escorted to the infirmary, and Octavia followed. I stayed outside, waiting with Bellamy and Raven.

'It should be enough for a truce, right?' Raven asked. 'The whole thing with Lincoln, I mean.'

'I hope so,' I answered. 'The Grounders seemed impressed. They've been fighting Reapers for decades, so knowing how to turn them back…it's priceless.'

'Enough for them to forget about Finn, I hope,' Bellamy said.

We waited for a little more than two hours. Finally, the moonlight showed two Grounder riders escorting a blond girl back to Camp Jaha. Clarke was back. Bellamy, rifle trained on the Grounders, shouted at the other guards to hold their fire.

The riders stayed outside as Clarke entered, and the gates were shut once again. She grabbed Finn's sleeve and dragged him further away as we followed, eager for information. We were quickly joined by Abby, who embraced her daughter. People watched, their faces tense.

'What did the Commander say?' Abby asked. 'Is there a chance for peace?'

'Yes,' Clarke answered. But her face was dark.

'What's wrong?' Finn asked.

Clarke turned to him, slowly, her eyes sad and defeated.

'They want you. If we want a truce, we have to give them Finn.'

Whispers broke out around us, the crowd shifting on their feet as the information was passed around. Finn. Finn was all that stood between war and peace.

'What are you talking about?' Raven asked.

'That's their offer,' Clarke answered.

'That's not an offer.'

'It's punishment,' Finn whispered. 'For what happened at the village. Blood for blood.'

'That's insane,' Bellamy said.

'If we refuse?' Abby asked.

'They attack,' Clarke answered.

The crowd got restless. Shouts were heard, people screaming for us to give Finn up. Byrne and the other guards tried to calm things down, but the yells only got louder. I was painfully reminded of what had happened a few weeks ago, when Murphy was almost hung by an angry crowd.

'Give him to the Grounders!' a man roared, approaching Finn menacingly.

'Back off!' Raven shouted, shoving him away.

He went to shove her back, but a guard stopped him as Clarke dragged a struggling Raven away.

'Raven, listen to me!' she said. 'Nothing is gonna happen to Finn. I promise, ok?'

'Maybe,' I began, and they both turned to me. I hesitated. 'Maybe he should leave. Sneak out of camp.'

'What?' Clarke gasped. 'They'll hunt him down!'

'At least he would have a chance!' I argued.

'How can you say that?' Raven snapped. 'We can't give up on Finn. We have to protect him!'

'Why?' I said, my voice so low it was a wonder they heard me at all. 'I'm not- I'm not saying he should die. But he killed people. He killed children! I don't want to see more innocents die because of him.'

Raven's face turned pale, anger simmering in her eyes. She looked at me with such loathing that I took a step back. I felt terrible, the words bitter in my mouth. But I was telling the truth, and I refused to back down.

'He isn't innocent, Raven,' I insisted. 'What he did…you weren't there. You didn't see. Nothing can excuse it. Dragging the rest of our people into his mess is a mistake. He should go.'

'How dare you?' Raven seethed. 'You act as if he was alone! But you were there too, Y/N.'

'I tried to stop him.'

'But you didn't! You're as much to blame as he is. He might have killed people, but so did you!'

I stumbled away from Raven, air catching in my throat, heart hammering against my ribs. She opened her mouth, but before any words could come out, I was stumbling away. There was a dull roar in my ears, muting all but the faint echo of memories. The sound of bullets piercing skin filled my head as I made my way to my cabin, half-blind with tears.

I had done nothing. Nothing, as innocents died around me. Raven was right, it was my fault. I was just as guilty as Finn. Maybe even more. A broken sound tore out of my throat at the thought. I ran faster and sobbed in relief when I finally reached my door. I threw it open, stormed inside and slammed it close.

I couldn't breathe. My entire body was tense, limbs shaking as I paced in the small room. I could barely think. The memories in my head were too loud, too violent for any rational thought to filter through.

The door opened, and Bellamy entered the room. His jaw was clenched, hands tightened into fists at his side. There was a deep, sharp anger in his eyes. There it was, proof that he blamed me as well. Was he here to yell at me, like Raven had? Had they decided to give me to the Grounders, to save Finn? I inhaled sharply, my throat burning as I desperately tried not to break down.

'I'm sorry,' I choked out, my eyes glued to the ground. 'I'm so sorry.'

Bellamy shifted, but I couldn't stand to look at him. He stayed silent and I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

'It wasn't supposed to happen this way,' I whispered. I lifted my hands to my face, and in the harsh light of the cabin, I could have sworn they were stained red. 'Oh God, what did I do?'

I rubbed my hands together, trying to get those stains to fade. But it only made them redder and redder.

'Y/N,' Bellamy called quietly.

I heard him, distantly, as if I was underwater. But I couldn't stop, and angry red lines appeared on my skin as my nails racked over it. The pain was almost a relief, drawing me away from the memories.

'Y/N, stop,' Bellamy ordered. He took my hands in his, thumbs smoothing over my inflamed palms. 'Look at me.'

My eyes stayed fixed on the ground, and he hooked a finger under my chin, lifting my head until I was forced to look up. I stopped breathing, the anticipation of what he was about to say eating me alive.

'It wasn't your fault,' he whispered, and my heart skipped a beat. 'There was nothing you could have done. I talked to Murphy. I know you tried to stop Finn, you both did. But short of shooting him…I don't think you could have. He was too far gone.'

'I can't,' I choked out. 'I can't take that as an excuse, Bell. People died. Innocent people. And now, there's an army outside our gates and they're going to slaughter us all. Maybe…maybe I should have shot him.'

'Maybe,' he said, his words strained. 'But…would have been able to look at yourself in a mirror afterwards?'

I didn't bother telling him that I hadn't been able to look at my reflection for quite a while. But he must have seen it in my eyes because his face softened. He let go of my hands, only to rest his fingers on the side of my neck. I shivered at the feather-light touch.

'You can't torture yourself like that,' he whispered. 'It doesn't matter whose fault it was because it happened anyway. All you can do is accept it and move on. You have to keep fighting, Sunshine. Or all the people we've lost, our friends, died for nothing. Charlotte wouldn't want you to give up.'

The pain that tore through me at the sound of her name was staggering in its intensity. I hadn't thought about her in a long time, pushing my grief and pain away in a dark corner of my mind. I screwed my eyes shut, trying to will the tears away, and pushed Bellamy as far as I could. He stumbled backwards, barely catching himself.

'Why would you say her name?' I seethed.

'I'm sorry. But you know it's true. She would want you to keep fighting.'

'She's dead!' I yelled, all pretence of control disappearing. 'She doesn't want anything. All that's left of her is a body, rotting away. I failed her, like I failed the Grounders, like I failed my grand-mother and everyone in my life. So don't you come here and tell me to move on, Bellamy Blake. I don't deserve to move on.'

Bellamy's eyes were wide, his mouth open in shock. But I didn't care. I was furious. At him, at myself, at my father for sending me to the ground, at everyone. I was eighteen years old. I wasn't supposed to be dealing with armies, bombs and death.

With a scream of rage, I sent my fist careening into the wall. The metal bit harshly into my knuckles, pain radiating through my arm. I didn't care. I hit the wall one more time, then another, and another, until my skin tore, and my throat burned.

An arm wound around my waist, pulling me away from the wall. Bellamy. I twisted in his arms and hammered his chest with my fists. He grunted, but only tightened his grip.

'Let me go!' I roared.

'I can't!'

'Why?! Why can't you leave me alone?'

I stopped fighting him and lifted my head to look at him, breathing harshly. He was staring at me, his jaw clenched, his dark eyes filled with anger. I was about to push him away when he did the last thing I could have expected.

He dipped his head and kissed me. I froze, my eyes wide open. He pressed his lips against mine, the touch as soft as the wind. Once, twice. Three times, and then drew back. I gaped as he let go of me, staying close but no longer touching me. He looked afraid, tense, as if he was expecting me to fight him again. Some part of me wanted to. The other, the one that had been dreaming of a kiss from Bellamy for months, that part was quiet. Assessing. Wondering.

I touched my lower lip with a trembling finger, and Bellamy sighed.

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I shouldn't have done that.'

'No,' I whispered. 'You shouldn't have.'

And then, I surged forward. Bellamy caught me, eyes wide in both fear and anticipation, as I kissed him. The kiss wasn't soft, like his had been. There was nothing romantic about it. It was violent, clashing teeth and sore lips, fingers tugging on both hair and clothes. Bellamy groaned, a rumbling sound that echoed in my bones as he closed his arms around my waist and kissed me back.

There. This was what I needed. A distraction from the memories that haunted me. I knew, deep down, that I was making a mistake. I loved Bellamy, I loved him with all I had. I had thought about what it would be like to be with him before. I had fantasized about a romantic night, passionate and full of love. But this…this was wrong. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to care.

Not when he bit down my neck, pain and pleasure mixing into something both terrifying and wonderful. I pushed him until the back of his legs hit the bed, and he sat down, chest heaving. He looked up, eyes dark with lust, as I took off my shirt. With a snarl, Bellamy then tugged on my waist until I collapsed on his lap, one leg on either side of him.

Another man might have asked me if I was sure, argued that I wasn't in my right mind, that I would regret it later. It would have been the right thing to do. But Bellamy didn't, and I was immeasurably grateful for it. He didn't say a word, not when I tore off his shirt or when he undid my bra. He didn't ask for permission to slip off my pants either, fingers digging into the soft skin of my thighs. I didn't ask when I pushed him onto his back, kissing him with a passion that I could only describe as punitive.

I forgot everything, from the armies outside our gates to my missing father. I forgot who I was as the sheets tangled around my legs, as the bed rocked against the wall. I forgot it all, and it was glorious. Afterwards, as I gasped for breath, Bellamy besides me, I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Or as if someone had put a lid over the mess that was my mind. And as I fell asleep, curled against Bellamy's chest, I realized that for the first time in years…I was at peace.

I woke up several hours later, stretching lazily, a small smile on my lips. I was in an excellent mood, the kind that I hadn't seen for months. My body was pleasantly sore, showing the signs of what had happened the night before. My eyes still closed, I reached over the small bed, expecting to find warm skin. I only touched cold sheets.

My eyes snapped open. The bed was empty, and when I sat up, my vision still blurry, I realized that I was alone.

'Bellamy?' I called.

There was only silence. I stood up, pulling the sheets around me in a makeshift robe and made my way to the bathroom. But when I opened the door, I realized there was no one inside. Bellamy was gone.

Hurt flared in my chest, followed quickly by embarrassment. But I shook it off. It didn't mean anything. The Grounder army was still waiting for us to give up Finn, and war was imminent. Bellamy was needed out there, and although I would have preferred for him to wake me up or leave a note, I couldn't blame him for leaving.

I got dressed, smiling as I noticed a few love bites scattered around my body. I schooled my features in a blank expression before I left, though. It wouldn't be appropriate to get out and be seen smiling when death was upon us.

I stepped outside the building, and my mood was quickly darkened as I saw the hopelessness of people's faces. The Grounder army was still out there, waiting. So were the riders at the gate.

I still thought that Finn leaving was the best option. It was heartless, but there were children in this camp. They didn't deserve to die because of one man's mistake. And Raven was right in a way, it was my fault too. If the Grounders had wanted me as well, then I wouldn't hesitate. I would leave, to spare my people from more pain. Finn should as well.

I spotted Bellamy in the crowd and smiled. But as I made my way to him, I was surprised at how cold his face had turned when he saw me.

'You alright?' I asked, laying a hand on his arm.

He stepped back, and my hand fell. I frowned.

'Bellamy?'

'You should get back inside,' he said, and his voice was so devoid of emotions that I shivered. 'It isn't safe here.'

It was a dismissal, as clear as I had ever heard one. But I refused to leave.

'Bellamy, what's wrong?' I insisted.

'Nothing's wrong,' he said. 'You should go.'

Dread crept up my spine. He was acting as if we were strangers. As if he didn't remember what had happened the night before. As if it hadn't meant anything.

'But-'

'Look,' he sighed. 'It's fine. We both needed to let off some steam. It was good, but now that it's over with, we should stay away from each other. It's better this way. We can't afford sentimentality.'

I inhaled sharply. My throat closed up, my eyes burned, but I thought the tears. I couldn't cry. Not like this.

'Why are you doing this?' I whispered, for fear my voice would break.

But Bellamy didn't answer. He looked at me one last time and left. I stayed behind, my eyes glued to the ground. I felt small, and stupid, and disgusting. Embarrassed that I had let my feelings get the better of me. I had been so blind. Here I'd thought he might have been just as in love with me as I was in love with me. Oh, how wrong I'd been.

I was just another Raven. A friend of his, in need of a good lay. And now that he'd provided that, he was gone. How stupid had I been to expect anything different?

'Y/N?' someone asked. 'You okay?'

I turned, swallowing my tears. Octavia was staring at me, confusion filling her eyes.

'How much did you hear?' I asked, my voice small and weak.

'Enough,' she answered. 'But I don't understand. I thought Bellamy was crazy about you. What happened?'

'We were both wrong,' I said. 'That's what happened.'

Octavia looked furious. But before she could say anything else, a strange noise rose from the woods. Thousands of Grounders were shouting. Repeating the same words, over and over again. Blood must have blood.

It was starting.

I pushed Bellamy away from my mind. Forgot about my feelings, about the memories of the previous night. I had to stay focused on the present, and on the imminent threat.

Octavia nodded, and we headed for the gates. She had her machete in her hand, I had my bow. Whatever was coming, we would not go down easily.

Abby soon joined us and ordered the guards to open the gate. She stepped outside, staring down the two riders.

'Where's the boy?' the one on the right asked, his words distorted by the mask he was wearing.

'We're not giving him up,' Abby answered firmly. 'We're ready to fight, if that's what it comes to.'

Suddenly, a horn was heard. Not the kind that announced acid fog, or any I'd ever heard. The riders turned their horses around and galloped back to the forest without another word.

'Watch the woods!' Bellamy ordered. 'Watch for movement!'

I refused to look at him. Instead, I kept my eyes fixed on the trees, my hand clenched around my bow. Only mere seconds later, I saw a shape step out of the darkness. It was a man, and he was walking towards us with his hands raised.

'Don't shoot!' the man shouted, and I stopped breathing. I knew that voice. I knew it better than I knew my own.

It was my father.

I let go of my bow and it fell in the mud, but I couldn't care less. I started running. Hands tried to grab me, keep me back, but I escaped them and ran for the man.

'Dad!' I shouted.

My father smiled widely as he recognized me and opened his arms. I crashed into him, my hands clutching his jacket as I laughed. Or perhaps I was crying. I couldn't tell.

'You're okay!' I exclaimed. 'You're okay, oh god, you're okay. I thought you were dead!'

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, his arms wound tight around my back.

'I'm alright, kiddo. I'm just happy to be back.'

He pulled back and cupped my chin, raising my head so he could look at me in the eye. His face had grown serious.

'Don't think you're out of the woods, though,' he said. 'We're having words later. I haven't forgotten about you running off.'

I laughed. It was such a ridiculous thing to say, when there was an army outside about to slaughter us all. But it was comforting, as well, in its normalcy.

'Come on, let's get inside.'

He kept an arm around my shoulders as we turned, entering the camp, and I clutched at his jacket, afraid to let go for even one second. We stopped in front of Abby, who was looking at my father with so much emotions in her eyes that it shocked me.

'Marcus,' she said, and although her voice was steady, her hands shook.

'Chancellor,' my father answered. I twisted my head, so I could look at his face, and I smiled. He was looking at Abby Griffin the same way he used to look at my mother. With surprise, as if he couldn't quite believe she was real. And although I knew that could be attributed to the fact that he had been captured by Grounders, there was something genuine underneath.

I slipped away from underneath his arm, stepping closer to Clarke. My father and Abby exchanged a few more words, never looking away from the other.

'I thought I'd never see the day,' I whispered.

Clarke didn't need to ask what I was talking about. She knew. And although there was sadness on her face, there was relief as well.

My father soon explained that he had managed to buy us some time. He left with Abby to talk about a solution, and I stayed outside.

Their meeting lasted for hours. The people around me grew more and more restless, fear making them angrier with each passing second. They were going to turn on Finn soon, I had no doubt about it. These were parents, brothers, sisters, wives and husbands. They would protect their loved ones at all costs. And who was I to tell them they were wrong? If Finn didn't leave soon, he wouldn't have to worry about the Grounders. Our people would get to him first.

In the end, it seemed he had reached that conclusion as well.

'We're leaving,' Bellamy said.

He had joined me outside, fuming. He believed Abby was about to give Finn up.

It was hard to remain impassive, in the face of all that had happened between us the night before, but I was stubborn. I would not show weakness.

'Good,' I said. 'Finn isn't safe here.'

'We're going to the dropship,' Bellamy told me. 'Come on.'

I stayed put. When he realized I wasn't following him, he turned to me, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

'I'm not going anywhere,' I said.

'What? Y/N, Finn needs us.'

'No. Our people need us. I won't abandon them, not when the Grounders might attack any second. There are innocents here. Finn is not innocent, and I won't put him before them.'

'I thought he was your friend.'

'He is. But that doesn't change anything. I can't afford sentimentality. Isn't that what you said?'

Bellamy flinched. I stayed strong, unwavering. I knew I was making the right choice, and nothing he could say would convince me otherwise.

'Go,' I said when he kept silent. 'Keep him safe, if you can. Hopefully, the Grounders will leave us alone when they realize he's gone. If they do, I'll find you. I promise.'

Bellamy took a deep breath. He seemed conflicted, and I felt sorry for him.

'Stay safe,' he choked out.

He turned on his heels and was out of my sight in a matter of seconds. I sighed, letting the mask fall. My hands were shaking, my knees buckling. I stumbled to a crate and sat down, burying my face in my hands.

'Y/N?'

I looked up. My father was staring at me, his eyes kind. He sat down next to me and put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him.

'It's going to be alright,' he said. 'There will be no battle.'

I laughed, but it was a weak and broken sound.

'I'm not scared of dying,' I said. 'Or killing. I've got so much blood on my hands, Dad. What's a little more?'

My father saw through the façade right away.

'The massacre was not your fault,' he said firmly. 'There was only one person who pulled the trigger, and it wasn't you. That is all that matters.'

'They still died.'

'Yes. And you will carry that weight the rest of your days. But you didn't kill them, sweetheart. Let go of the guilt. It will only drag you down.'

'I can't.'

'Yes, you can. You just have to allow yourself to do so. It won't be easy, and it will take time. But you will get there. Trust me.'

I smiled, thanking him without words. Suddenly, things didn't seem so terrible. Not when my father was here. Bellamy, the Grounders, the village…it all faded away. The sun was going down, golden light shining on the fields. It was beautiful. And I felt at peace.

Peace, as it turned out, would last. But the cost would be high.

Finn had turned himself in, slipping away from the dropship. A defeated Clarke had told me that he had tricked them. All they had been able to do was watch as he was taken by the Grounders and come back to camp. Night had fallen, but the torches from the Grounder army shone and we all saw as Finn was tied to a post at the edge of the woods.

'They want us to watch,' Clarke said in a hollow voice.

'We'll get him,' Bellamy said. 'We'll get in close and we'll hit them hard.'

'Son,' my father answered gently. 'There's thousands of them. Even if we could kill hundreds, they'd still wipe out this camp and your friend would still die.'

'We have to try,' Bellamy insisted, his eyes frantic.

The urge to reach out and grab his hand was strong, but I resisted. Barely. Raven turned to Abby, calling the doctor's name in a desperate plea. But Abby looked at her and shook her head.

Clarke's face turned dark. She slipped away, and Raven, Bellamy and I followed. Clarke took out her dagger and gave it to Bellamy as she headed for the gates.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'I'm gonna talk to the Commander.'

'What else do you have to say?'

'I don't know!' she exclaimed, raising her voice. 'I- I don't know.'

Bellamy called her name, but even he had nothing to say and he closed his mouth, his brows furrowed. Raven stepped forward, pressing something into Clarke's hand.

It was a blade, small and thin, and invisible once slipped into Clarke's sleeve.

'Raven, no,' I said.

'If she won't let him go,' Raven told Clarke, ignoring me, 'kill her. Things will go crazy and we'll grab you and Finn. Clarke, you have to help him. I owe him my life.'

It was an insane plan. But Clarke nodded, and I couldn't find it in me to tell her that she would only get herself killed if she tried to harm the Commander. Like Raven, I was clinging into one last hope: that Clarke would be able to persuade the Grounders to let Finn go.

Clarke slipped out of the gates, heading for the woods as we watched.

'I hope you're happy,' Raven snapped, glaring at me.

'I never wanted this,' I said. 'I didn't want him to die. I was just trying to protect our people.'

Raven scoffed.

'You're a hypocrite,' she glared. 'You deserve to be out there just as much as Finn.'

'Raven,' Bellamy said, his voice low and dangerous.

'It's okay,' I smiled ruefully. 'She's not wrong.'

Bellamy looked like he wanted to argue, but I turned away before he could. I would deal with Raven after Finn was either saved or killed. All I could do was hope that our friendship hadn't been destroyed irrecoverably.

We watched as Clarke approached the Grounders, as she crossed their ranks until she stood in front of the Commander's general. We watched as she was kept back by a spear, as she moved forward anyway and as blood stained her shirt.

'Let her pass!' the Commander ordered.

Clarke stepped forward. We couldn't hear what they said to each other, we were too far away. All we could do was wait.

'Come on, Clarke, do it,' Raven said next to me, shaking.

Clarke, to my relief, did not try to stab the Commander. Instead, she walked away and headed for Finn.

'What is she doing?' Raven whispered.

Clarke ran for Finn and embraced him. Kissed him. Next to me, Raven breathed in sharply. We watched as Clarke embraced Finn, tightly and his head fell to her neck.

'Something's wrong,' Bellamy whispered.

And he was right. When Clarke stepped away, there was something metallic in her hand. And Finn was slumped forward, unmoving. A dark stain was growing on his shirt.

'Oh God,' I whispered.

She had killed him. She had used Raven's blade and killed him, before the Grounders could.

Raven was shaking, tears sliding down her face as she slowly realized what had happened. She then screamed, the sound raw and filled with so much pain that I couldn't bear it. She slid to the ground, Bellamy catching her as she broke down.

Finn Collins was dead, and our truce with the Grounders had begun.