The Heartbeat
Chapter 17
"The Missed Opportunities"
Guinevere was determined to solve the conflict between Merlin and Arthur once and for all. She always took her word seriously, as it was the matter of her honour. Besides, her husband was unbearable when he was apart from Merlin for too long. It was in everyone's best interest to help them reconcile.
"My Lady," Merlin greeted her, clearly surprised when he saw the Queen at the door.
"May I come in?" she asked him politely.
Merlin made room for her and let her in. He was still surprised to see her in his own chambers so early in the morning.
"Has something happened?" he asked, a bit worried.
Gwen was certain that this question concerned her husband, even though he didn't say Arthur's name out loud.
"That's actually a question I wanted to ask you," she said as she looked him over.
"I don't understand, my Lady." Merlin was clearly confused and Gwen decided to use it for her advantage.
"Drop the formalities, Merlin," she asked him. "I crossed the door of your chambers not as your Queen but as your friend and wife of your best friend."
Merlin lowered his gaze. Now he understood why she was like this.
"Has Arthur insulted you in any way?" she asked him quietly. "I know how he can be sometimes but I thought you could see right through it and ignore his prattish behaviour."
"It's nothing like this, Gwen," he assured her. "Arthur hasn't done anything."
"Then why are you ignoring him?" she asked almost pleadingly. "He's been unbearable this past week. He's confused and he blames himself for it all."
"He shouldn't," Merlin told her quietly. "I am the problem. Not Arthur."
He sounded surprisingly honest which made Gwen worry about him more than before.
"What happened?" she asked. "You can tell me anything."
Merlin shook his head. "It's nothing you should be worried about," he assured her. "I will deal with it on my own."
"You have friends here in Camelot, Merlin," Gwen reminded him. "I can't imagine how difficult it was for you to hide all your problems from us for ten years, but you no longer have to do that. You can share your worries with me and Arthur. Believe me, Arthur will appreciate it and he'll be thrilled to help."
Merlin smiled sadly. "I never doubted it but it's something different," he said. "You can tell him that he shouldn't blame himself."
Gwen walked up to him and looked him in the eye. "You're scaring me, Merlin," she said. "Don't do it to yourself. Let us help you."
It was awkward. Merlin didn't want everyone to fuss about him. Certainly not Gwen.
"It's nothing, Gwen," Melin assured her. "Soon everything will come back to normal."
"I mean it, Merlin." Guinevere was not going to give up easily. "I know how much you care for my husband. You wouldn't avoid him if it was nothing. I came here to reconcile the two of you but I can't do it if I don't know what's wrong."
Merlin looked at her closely. "You don't have to reconcile us. I'm not mad at Arthur. He didn't do anything. I told you that it's me."
"You realise that you're hurting him, don't you?" she asked. "He'll keep blaming himself no matter what you say."
"Hurting him was never my intention," Merlin told her. "Please, tell him that."
Gwen shook her head. "You should tell him," she said. "He won't believe it as long as you avoid him."
Merlin sighed heavily, defeated. Deep down he knew that Gwen was right. He couldn't keep doing this to Arthur. It was childish and the king didn't deserve that.
Merlin wasn't ready to tell him the whole truth yet but he could try to be more civil to him. If there was any chance that one day Arthur would forgive him what he had done to save him, he couldn't keep rejecting his friendship time after time. Besides, he missed Arthur terribly. He missed their evenings and talks. They were something he was looking forward to every day.
"Tell him that I have a short show for children after his training today. At the courtyard," he said. "He can join us if he wants."
Gwen smiled at him widely. "I will tell him," she said. "I'm sure he'll be thrilled. Thank you." Then she hugged him tightly.
When she finally left him alone, Merlin lay down on his bed and groaned. It was going to be a long day and he needed to get prepared to confront Arthur in the afternoon.
oOoOo
The time for the show had come and the children gathered at the courtyard. Merlin smiled at them, as he always did, but deep inside he was disappointed. There was no sign of Arthur. He was worried about this encounter but certain part of him yearned for it. Now he started fearing that he crossed the line with his recent behaviour. He started fearing that Arthur had enough.
Merlin started his performance according to the schedule. He couldn't let the children down too. The show was for them, even though he wasn't in a festive mood.
Then he noticed something. He couldn't stop the show but he started watching the shadows out of the corner of his eye. Someone was standing there. Someone who had a very similar silhouette to Arthur. After a longer while of observation Merlin was certain that it was the king, and that made him smile under his nose. It seemed that Arthur didn't stop caring about him after all.
It was a boost for Merlin. He felt a sudden urge to show off. He wanted to put a smile on children's faces but most of all he wanted to impress Arthur.
It didn't take long for the children to be awed. They loved the shapes and colours that Merlin was creating out of thin air. They especially enjoyed the shapes of animals that were chasing each other around them.
Arthur stayed in the shadows this whole time. Merlin couldn't see if he enjoyed the show too but he hoped to find out once it was over. For now, however, he decided to focus fully on the show. So he did.
When the show was over and the children walked away, laughing and talking loudly, Merlin took his time to collect his things. He wanted to give Arthur a chance to walk up to him and talk.
"It was a good show," said Arthur suddenly, startling Merlin. The warlock didn't hear him coming.
"Thank you," Merlin replied simply. "I just wanted them to enjoy the show."
"They certainly did," Arthur told him honestly.
"What about you?" asked Merlin and looked him in the eye.
"As I said, it was a good show." It was a dismissive answer but it was clear that Arthur enjoyed his performance.
An awkward silence fell between them. Both of them felt the necessity to come back to their previous dynamics but it wasn't easy.
"Are you hungry?" Merlin asked eventually. "We could have a dinner together."
Arthur looked at him steadily. For a short moment Merlin thought that the king was going to decline his invitation. There was something hesitant in Arthur's eyes that Merlin didn't like.
Finally, Arthur nodded and Merlin let go of the breath he was holding.
"What do you propose?" asked Arthur a little bit too formally for Merlin's liking.
"We could steal something from the kitchens," he suggested.
Arthur sent him an almost scandalous look.
"It could be fun," said Merlin innocently, trying to defend his idea.
"You do realise that these are my kitchens, so if I take food from there, then it's not stealing," Arthur told him, which only made Merlin shrug.
"You spoil all the fun." He tried to sound disappointed but failed miserably at that.
In the end, they didn't steal the food. They just went to the kitchens and asked nicely for two servings of dinner. The cook was surprised to see the king himself in her kitchens and she started acting in a very servile way. It was something that Merlin never saw her doing.
They walked towards Merlin's chambers with the trays hovering before them thanks to Merlin's magic. Arthur murmured something about showing-off but he didn't really mean that. He loved watching Merlin doing magic but he couldn't just say it out loud. Especially not in public.
When they finally reached Merlin's rooms, Arthur didn't know what to do. Merlin took care of setting the table for the two of them, so he just stood there, feeling a bit anxious.
"Take a seat," Merlin told him quietly. He could tell that Arthur was unsure what to do with himself. "It's almost ready."
Arthur obediently followed his friend's suggestion. He sat at the table and watched Merlin in silence. There was something elegant in his gestures when he was doing magic. Most of the time, Merlin was quite clumsy but when he started using magic, he became more graceful. It never ceased to amaze Arthur.
They started eating in silence. It was awkward at first and Merlin wanted to break it but he had no idea how. All topics that were coming to his mind were either plainly boring or simply inappropriate in these circumstances.
Arthur stubbornly awaited an apology or at least some explanation but it was clear that Merlin avoided it as much as possible. Nonetheless, he wanted to talk to him about something. He wanted them to have their little talks back. They felt like home and this awkward silence was slowly killing him.
"The children adore you, Merlin," he finally chose to say. "They were truly amazed by your show."
Merlin looked at him steadily. "They don't adore me. They love the magic tricks," he replied.
"That's not true," Arthur denied stubbornly. "They love your magic, that's certain, but there's more to it. I could see how you interact with them. You have a great approach."
Merlin shrugged dismissively because he didn't know what to say. He just did what he knew he could do well. That was all. The children somehow learnt to enjoy it.
"You'd be a wonderful father," Arthur added suddenly, to his own surprise.
Merlin looked at him, clearly bewildered.
"I mean it," said Arthur, as there was no point in denying his own words now.
"Maybe in a different life," murmured Merlin and Arthur nodded in understanding.
"I really wanted to be a father," the king continued his confessions. "But eventually I got used to the idea that I won't have a natural heir. Sometimes we need to pay the price for something we didn't do."
Merlin gulped at his words. He knew that this one thing wasn't really his fault but he felt a bit guilty. He could just tell Arthur that he didn't really need an heir in order to relieve him from this burden but he was a coward. One day Arthur would learn the truth but Merlin wasn't ready yet. Arthur needed to wait a bit longer.
"There are other ways to appoint an heir," said Arthur more to himself than to Merlin. "I will have to consider them soon but..." he hesitated. "I was always fascinated by the idea of having a child that would be partially me. I know it's natural but in a way it's so unbelievable. You die but you leave a part of yourself behind. What do you think of it, Merlin?"
The warlock hesitated. He needed to choose his words very carefully.
"Nature is a mystery," he decided to say. "I completely understand your fascination."
Arthur nodded but his face clearly saddened. "Sometimes I think that it's better this way," he said quietly.
"What do you mean?" Merlin asked.
"Perhaps it's better that I won't be a father after all," Arthur clarified. "My father didn't set a good example."
"You are completely different than Uther," Merlin assured him frantically. "I know that you loved your father but most of the time he was cold towards you. I can't imagine you being like this with your own child. You don't have such bitterness in yourself."
"I'd like to believe that," said Arthur. "Sometimes I almost do..."
"You have no reason to doubt that you would be a better father than Uther," Merlin told him. "I'm certain that you would."
"Maybe... but I won't have a chance to prove it." There was no pretence in his voice, only a little bit of regret.
Merlin didn't know what to say so he remained silent. He couldn't do what Nimueh had done to Ygraine. Arthur would never agree to that. Merlin would never forgive himself if something happened to Gwen because of it.
Then Arthur bit his lip and asked, changing the subject of their conversation entirely, "Why were you angry with me?"
Deep down Merlin hoped that Arthur wasn't going to return to this sensitive topic. However, the king wasn't the type who gave up easily. Merlin should have known better than that.
"I wasn't angry with you," Merlin whispered, trying to keep his emotions in check.
"It looked as if you were," Arthur insisted. "You avoided me... you were giving me some weak excuses. Even a child would notice that you were hiding something."
"I admit that my attitude towards you wasn't typical but I wasn't angry with you. I am very sorry that you felt that way," Merlin told him. "You need to believe me that it was just me."
"I don't understand it, Merlin... Please explain to me what happened and what was worrying you," Arthur asked him. "I'm your friend and I wanted to be there for you but you didn't let me."
"It was better that way," Merlin assured him.
"No, it wasn't!" Arthur's tone was firm and decisive. "Has it occurred to you that I could help you in some way?"
"That wasn't necessary." Merlin tried very much to stay calm but it was becoming harder and harder with every second.
"I can see that you're hiding something from me, Merlin, and it's hurting me," Arthur finally admitted. "I'd like you to trust me."
"I do trust you."
"Not entirely," Arthur accused him. "There are still things that you try to keep away from me and I don't know why." He sighed. "I thought you could stop this nonsense after Camlann but every time I start to believe that we're finally honest with each other, something shattering happens. Something like the last week."
"I didn't mean to hurt you," Merlin told him. "Quite the opposite, actually."
"You don't need to protect me in this way," Arthur assured him. "You don't need to hide all the problems from me. I'm the king and I can help you. Just tell me what's wrong."
Merlin wanted to confess the truth very much. He was so close to doing it. He started believing that Arthur was ready to hear it, and perhaps he was ready to forgive him all his sins. It was so tempting. There would be no more lies between them. A perfect state of things. His own life could become so much easier.
Then Merlin started doubting it all over again. He wasn't ready yet. He wasn't sure if he was ever going to be truly ready.
"One day, Arthur..." he whispered. "One day I will tell you everything. I promise."
Arthur looked at him steadily. "When we're grey and old?" he asked a bit mockingly.
"No," said Merlin firmly. "Sooner. I will tell you everything sooner."
"Does Gilli know?" Arthur asked him suddenly.
This question surprised Merlin. He was looking at his king dumbly for a short moment.
"Of course he does," said Arthur to himself. "You trust him more than you trust me."
"That's not true," Merlin assured him.
"You tell him about the things that have such a strong impact on you and you don't tell me anything," Arthur proved his point. "Why is that?"
"It's complicated," said Merlin truthfully. "You will understand it once you find out. It will be soon. I promise."
Arthur's features softened slightly. "You could tell me now," he suggested quietly.
"Not today."
"Tomorrow?" the king kept asking.
"One day. Sooner rather than later." Merlin gave him his word. Once he did that, he knew that he would have to keep it. He had no doubts that Arthur would ensure it.
"I wish you could tell me now," said Arthur, "but I will wait."
Merlin could see a hopeful look in his eyes. It was clear that Arthur didn't like his secrets but he decided to wait nonetheless. It almost looked as if Arthur understood, and it made Merlin wonder what his king was expecting to hear once Merlin decided to finally reveal all his secrets to him. It was a mystery to Merlin. He didn't want to let him down but he also knew that it was inevitable.
"I only have one request," Arthur added after a while.
"What is it?"
"Stop avoiding me," he asked quietly. "I hate it when you do that. It makes me think that I wronged you in some way."
"I promise that I won't be avoiding you any longer," said Merlin. "Just don't push me into telling you everything too often. As I said, I will reveal it to you when I'm ready, and if you keep pushing me, I'll feel trapped and I may start avoiding you again."
Arthur grunted, displeased. "Can I at least remind you about it from time to time? In case you forget. I promise it won't be too often."
Merlin sighed heavily and smiled sadly. "There is no way that I will ever forget about this promise," he said. "But all right, you can ask me about it from time to time."
Arthur nodded, this time pleased. After all these promises their conversation became much lighter. It felt good to have these little talks with Arthur once again. Merlin didn't realise how much he missed them until he got them back.
oOoOo
Arthur came back to his chambers in a much better mood.
"I can see that it worked," Gwen greeted him, smiling. "I'm so happy for you."
"It's not perfect but it's something," Arthur told her.
She looked at him steadily and asked, "What do you mean?"
He lay down on his bed, tired, and looked at her uncertainly. "Merlin is still hiding something. He even admitted it."
"Do you have any idea what's wrong?" she asked and joined him on the bed.
"I'm not entirely sure but I have some suspicions," he admitted.
"What are you going to do?" She touched his hand tenderly. "Just don't pry too much. You may push him away by doing so."
"I won't," said Arthur. "Merlin will tell me everything himself. He gave me his word. I just need to wait."
"You don't like waiting," she said, kissing his cheek lightly.
"Of course I don't." He sighed heavily. "It's stupid. He could just tell me now but he insists that he's not ready. It's clearly bothering him but he's afraid to trust me. I think... I think he believes that I won't accept him."
Gwen looked at him pointedly. "You weren't too forgiving when Merlin revealed his magic to you," she said. "You can't blame him that he wants to be careful."
"That was different," Arthur protested.
"You don't know what he's hiding," his wife pointed out. "How can you know that this is different?"
"I just know it. I can..." he hesitated. "I can feel it," he eventually said. "Now I know the greater picture. It can't be as bad as Merlin believes it is but he's stubborn."
"So are you," she said and sighed too. "You're not really that different," she murmured.
"What do you mean?" Arthur asked her.
"Nothing you should worry about right now," she told him. "You are clearly tired. You need to have some rest." Saying that, she got up.
"Where are you going, Guinevere?"
"To my room," she said. "It's too early for me and I can still look through some papers. I don't want to bother you in your sleep."
"You never bother me when you're around," he assured her.
It made Gwen smile. "You're sweet sometimes," she said and gave him a goodnight kiss. "Sleep well."
Despite being tired, Arthur couldn't fall asleep long after Guinevere left him alone in his room. There were too many thoughts in his head. Too many possibilities that concerned Merlin. He needed to think it all through.