The Heartbeat

Chapter 18

"As a Last Resort"

The weeks went by and Merlin was gradually getting used to the idea that he would have to tell Arthur the truth soon. He was slowly building his courage, thinking about choosing the right moment. He even started to believe that the outcome wouldn't be as tragic as he initially feared. Arthur clearly enjoyed the time they were spending together, and although spending the eternity as immortal was an entirely different thing, perhaps spending it with a friend wasn't as bad as spending it alone. It didn't mean that Merlin stopped being afraid of telling Arthur all his secrets. He was terrified. As he once told Gilli, Arthur was a warrior king who wanted to live and die for his kingdom. Staying alive and watching his kingdom fall one day was going to be a terrible experience for him.

Obviously Merlin remembered about Excalibur and that it wielded the power to kill those who were immortal. However, the idea of telling Arthur about it frightened Merlin even more. He couldn't imagine watching Arthur taking his own life. It just didn't seem like something his brave Arthur would do. Besides, if Arthur truly was the Once and Future King, he would be needed again one day. Merlin knew that he would have to explain it all to Arthur in details, which could also be problematic at first.

Merlin wasn't worried about himself too much. He didn't care about what would happen to him if Arthur were to die by Excalibur. Their lives were connected by one heart, but Merlin didn't want to live without Arthur anyway. He would rather die than stay behind without his other half for all eternity.

These thoughts haunted him every night. It was tiring but he didn't feel ready to confess the truth. He was confused and scared, and Arthur's hopeful eyes that looked at him every day didn't help at all.

Merlin felt that Arthur was expecting to hear his confession soon. Every time Merlin started a new topic during their conversations, his posture changed and he started listening more carefully. Arthur wasn't saying anything out loud. He didn't have to. His whole body was sending Merlin voiceless questions and it made him feel even more anxious. The fateful day when he would tell Arthur the truth was approaching fast. Too fast to stop it.

Then the unexpected happened.

It was an early afternoon during a cloudy autumn day. It made Merlin feel slightly melancholic but not more than any other day during this season. He didn't have any pressing matters to attend to, so he was reading one of his books, not really paying much attention to it. His thoughts were wandering around. He even started considering taking a short nap when somebody knocked on his door hesitantly.

His first thought was Arthur, even though it didn't sound like king's knocking at all. Merlin rose from his armchair and walked up to the door quietly. For a moment he thought that the person on the other side gave up but then he heard the knocking again. This time a little bit louder.

Merlin opened the door and to his surprise he saw the Queen's face.

"Gwen," he greeted her, not hiding his surprise very well.

"Hello, Merlin," she said. "I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"Not at all," he assured her hastily.

"Good," she said, and not waiting for an invitation, she let herself in. It wasn't something that Gwen would normally do, so Merlin was slightly intrigued. "I would like to talk to you about some delicate matter," she explained.

"Does it concern Arthur?" Merlin asked instantly, worried.

The Queen shook her head. "No, it concerns me," she said quietly.

For a short moment Merlin feared that Gwen somehow knew about his secrets, so it was a relief to hear that her visit didn't concern her husband.

"What is it then?" he asked her.

She sighed heavily. "It is a long story and I didn't want to bother you at first, but then Gilli suggested that I should..." She started babbling like a young serving girl that Merlin had met many years ago.

"You need to calm down and tell me everything slowly," he told her. "Please, take a seat. I can see that you need it."

Gwen smiled at him weakly. "Thank you," she said and gladly took a seat in one of Merlin's armchairs.

Merlin sat in an armchair opposite her, so he could listen to her story more attentively.

"Now please explain to me what is worrying you," he asked her. "One thing at the time."

"You're right," said Gwen. "Sometimes I can't stop babbling when I'm nervous. It's just so easy to forget that I'm the Queen when I'm here with you. It's like old good days."

Merlin smiled warmly because it sounded a lot like a compliment.

"You're very kind," he said, "but please tell me why Gilli told you to come here. I can see that it is important."

"I think I should start from the very beginning," she said. "However, before I do it, I would like to ask for secrecy. Arthur can't find out about it. At least not yet."

"You want to hide something important from him?" Merlin asked, surprised.

"You and me have something in common, then," she pointed out.

Merlin lowered his gaze. "You're right," he said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I will tell Arthur everything. Eventually," she added after a while.

"Just like me," said Merlin understandingly.

"Just like you," she confirmed. "Do I have your word?" she asked to be certain.

"I won't tell him anything," Merlin promised her. "You have my word."

"Thank you," she said, this time more relaxed. "I just don't want him to worry, Merlin. He has a lot on his mind already."

"I understand, Gwen," Merlin assured her. "Now please start your story because I'm starting to worry myself."

Gwen blushed slightly like a serving girl she used to be, but then she straightened up and started looking more regally again.

"That wasn't my intention," she assured him. "You see... I haven't been feeling well recently so I went to Gilli for an advice," she stared her story. "It wasn't anything too serious. Just small pains here and there. Sometimes they made me feel weak but it was bearable."

"I assume that it worsened," Merlin suddenly cut in.

"Indeed," Gwen confirmed his remark. "I didn't mind it too much at first, but then the pains became stronger and they persisted for longer periods of time. I could no longer pretend that they didn't bother me."

"So then you went to Gilli," said Merlin and Gwen confirmed it with a short nod.

"He examined me thoroughly but didn't find anything that could cause such pains. He gave me some tonics that were supposed to soothe the pains," she told him. "They even worked for a while. At least to some extent. However, soon the pains became even stronger, and now the tonics are no longer bringing me relief." Then she hesitated.

"What is it, Gwen?"

The Queen sighed heavily. "For a short moment I thought that I was pregnant," she admitted shyly. "You see... my monthly bleeding stopped. I thought that my pains could be somehow connected to the pregnancy. There are women who experience various pains when they're pregnant."

"Did you tell Arthur about your suspicions?" asked Merlin, truly worried.

"Of course not. I needed to be sure," she said. "It would be cruel to raise his hopes and then take it away from him."

Merlin felt a relief. He didn't want that for Arthur either.

"Gilli examined me again and excluded the possibility of pregnancy," she said sadly. "He thinks that the lack of my monthly bleeding is another symptom of the disease but still he doesn't know what disease it is exactly."

"That's why he sent you to me," said Merlin, understanding it completely.

"Yes, he hopes you may find something that he didn't notice." Gwen looked at him, determined. "He would like to hear a second opinion and I would like that too."

"That's understandable," said Merlin. "I need to examine you thoroughly." He looked around, thinking how to do it. "With my magic if that's not a problem."

"That's why I've come here. Your magic doesn't bother me, Merlin," she assured him hastily. "What should I do?"

"I think my bed is the best option in these circumstances," he said. "But we could go to Gilli's quarters if that's what you want."

"Don't be ridiculous, Merlin," she scolded him playfully. "That would be a waste of time. Besides Arthur could notice something. If you don't need any equipment for the examination, that can be found in Gilli's quarters, then your room is perfectly fine."

"I only need my magic," Merlin told her. "In this case, please lie down and try to relax."

Gwen followed his request without hesitation.

"You can close your eyes. I may not be able to focus if you keep watching me like this," he said sheepishly. "You make me nervous."

The Queen obediently closed her eyes. "Better?" she asked.

"Much better," Merlin confirmed. "Now please tell me in which parts of your body you can feel these pains."

"It depends on the time of the day," she told him. "When I wake up, my back is usually hurting, but during the day the pains shift to my hips and legs."

"So they go downwards," Merlin pointed out, wondering what it could mean.

"It's true but my head aches sometimes too," she added.

"It could be related to the general state of your health, not necessarily to the cause of your pains," Merlin explained to her. "It's like a warning."

"That's what Gilli told me," she said. "Do you think it's likely?"

"I need to examine you first," he told her and closed his eyes himself, trying to focus on his magical instincts.

His hands hovered above her body. He could feel his magic tickling his fingers but he wasn't ready to let it go yet. He knew that he needed to collect more power in his hands. When he finally deemed that he was ready, he pushed the wave of his magic into Gwen.

Merlin's eyes opened involuntarily and they turned gold. He noticed that Gwen's body was glowing too.

"What's happening?" she asked, alarmed, but kept her eyes closed nonetheless. "It's getting warmer and warmer."

"My magic is running through your body but you don't need to worry about it," Merlin explained. "It won't take long," he promised.

After a moment, the glow started fading until there was no trace of it at all.

"You can open your eyes now," Merlin told her quietly.

Gwen opened them and sat up, looking at him hopefully.

"Did you find something?" she asked him.

Merlin bit his bottom lip and shook his head. "Nothing unusual." He sighed heavily. "I should be better at this. The healing magic was never my strength."

"Perhaps it's nothing serious, then," she suggested.

"Perhaps." He looked at her sadly and sat on the edge of his bed, by her side. "If it was related to magic, I would probably feel it. If it's a natural disease, something might have slipped my mind."

Gwen put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. "That's all right," she told him quietly.

"No, it's not," he said firmly. "I should pay more attention to studying healing magic. I should know how to help you."

"You can't know everything," she pointed out. "No one can."

He looked at her intensely. "I know it's not what you expected but at least I could try to soothe your pains with my magic."

Gwen smiled at him warmly. "I would appreciate that," she said and hugged him lightly because her body was hurting too much to give him a strong embrace.

Merlin whispered something and she watched, amazed, as his eyes turned gold for a short moment. She felt another wave of heat running through her body, bringing her some relief.

"How are you feeling?" Merlin asked her afterwards.

"Better," she replied, smiling at him. "Thank you, Merlin."

"Come back to me if it worsens again," he told her. "I am at your disposal any time you need me."

"You're a good friend, Merlin," she said to him. "I will never forget it."

"That was the least I could do. I wish I could be more helpful." Saying that, he lowered his gaze.

"Don't hide from me, Merlin," she told him and he looked back at her. "I'm grateful."

He knew that she was telling the truth but it didn't make him feel any better.

"Just remember to keep it from Arthur," Gwen reminded him. "It's better this way."

"He would disagree," Merlin mumbled and she sent him a concerned look. "Don't worry, I won't tell him anything. I gave you my word."

Gwen nodded, pleased.

oOoOo

Keeping the truth from Arthur was one thing but pretending that Gwen was perfectly fine was another. Merlin wasn't going to just sit and forget that his good friend was in pain. He wasn't stupid. He knew that Gwen wasn't going to come back for his help until she felt utterly weak. He knew that she was going to suffer in silence as long as she could hide it from Arthur.

Merlin felt that he needed to do something but he couldn't do it alone. Luckily, he knew that Gilli was also aware of Gwen's health problems, so they could discuss and analyse them together.

"So you didn't find anything," said Gilli when Merlin finished telling him about the examination he conducted on Gwen. "That's bad."

Merlin couldn't agree more. "I'm not really good in this kind of magic," he admitted. "Perhaps if I studied it more, I could find something... but for now..." He just shook his head.

"You shouldn't blame yourself. It won't help the Queen," Gilli told him firmly. "Perhaps if we join our efforts, we'll find something."

"That's what I thought," said Merlin and looked at his friend steadily. "What do you suggest?"

"We should examine the Queen once again. This time together," he said. "We need to focus on the symptoms and look for the diseases that match them."

"It won't be easy to hide it all from Arthur," Merlin pointed out.

"It shouldn't be our main concern," said Gilli firmly.

"I know but Gwen won't like it." He sighed heavily. "It would be easier if she just told Arthur."

Gilli looked at him pointedly. "I could say exactly the same thing about you," he murmured.

Merlin looked him in the eye. "It's not about me," he replied. "We should focus on Gwen's health right now."

"Of course," said Gilli but Merlin knew what he thought. They understood each other too well.

In the evening, when Arthur visited him, Merlin had to try very hard not to show him that something was wrong. Arthur brought some wine and was generally in a good mood, which made Merlin's job even harder. He laughed at his jokes and teased him back but he didn't put his whole heart into it. He only hoped that Arthur wouldn't notice anything.

On the next day, Merlin and Gilli managed to examine Guinevere in her chambers when Arthur was outside training with his knights. Merlin couldn't chase away the feeling that they were doing something wrong, but he had given Gwen his word and he couldn't break it. He understood why she didn't want to worry Arthur. He would have done exactly the same thing.

Unfortunately, the examination was once again fruitless. They tried to combine their whole medical and magical knowledge but it was in vain. Besides the pains and the lack of her monthly bleeding, there were no other symptoms that could push them in some direction.

Nevertheless, they weren't going to give up. Not without a fight.

"How are you feeling?" Merlin asked Gwen afterwards.

"I've been worse," she said elusively.

Merlin looked at her pointedly. "Gwen..." he said.

"I would appreciate if you soothed my pains again," she told him, defeated. "It helped before."

Merlin helped her gladly but couldn't get rid of the sinking feeling in his stomach.