The Heartbeat
Chapter 19
"Worried Faces"
Gwen's condition worsened vastly during the following weeks. She tried very hard to hide it from Arthur but it was becoming more and more problematic with every day. She struggled to cover her weariness with smiles but even they were becoming weaker and weaker. It was only a matter of time before Arthur would start asking questions. There was no point in denying it all any longer.
"Arthur, can we talk?" she asked him one night when they were about to go to bed.
He looked at her and saw that she was very serious. There was nothing playful in her expression and it made him anxious.
"What's wrong?" he asked her in an alarmed voice.
"Please take a seat by my side," she said and patted the bed. "It's serious."
Arthur followed her request instantly and looked her in the eye. He could sense that there was something wrong. Guinevere seemed a little bit distant recently but he thought that he was to blame. He didn't have much time for his wife during last weeks. There was always something else that required his attention.
However, at this moment, her behaviour was completely different. She was serious. Gravely serious.
"Will you tell me now what's wrong, Guinevere?" he asked her.
She nodded and put her head on his shoulder. "Before I tell you what you need to hear, please bear in mind that I love you and I didn't want to make you worried in vain," she told him quietly.
"Now you're scaring me," said Arthur, truly anxious. "What is it?"
Gwen sighed heavily and straightened up, turning her gaze away from him. It was easier to reveal the truth while she didn't have to watch worry and fear in his blue eyes.
"I haven't been feeling well recently," she said finally. "I didn't mind it at first but then it started getting worse and worse..."
Guinevere explained to Arthur her current condition and how both Gilli and Merlin tried to treat her in secret. She told him that she insisted on keeping it a secret from him and that he shouldn't blame any other person for that. She tried to skip the part about intensity of her pains but she was certain that Arthur was able to read between the lines.
The king remained silent this whole time, finally being able to put all the pieces together. He was shocked and hurt and angry but most of all worried. He understood why Guinevere tried to hide it from him but it didn't make his own pain any less real.
When she finally finished her story, she looked at him, scared. She expected Arthur to be mad at her. She expected to hear him scream and swear. Arthur had a good heart but he was also impulsive. He'd never wholly learned to hold his temper when the circumstances were so emotional.
"Please, say something," Gwen said in a whisper.
Arthur looked at her with sadness written all over his face.
"How long it's been going on?" he asked her finally. This was the first question that came to his mind. He knew it was stupid in the given circumstances, but he needed to know how long Gwen was hiding the truth from him. It seemed important.
She expected to hear this question sooner or later but she wanted to postpone the answer as long as possible.
"What exactly? My pains or my treatment?" she asked quietly.
"Both!" Arthur's tone was harsh. He was certain that Gwen knew very well what he meant, but deep down he also felt that he shouldn't be so hard on her since he would have done the same.
Guinevere understood his harshness so she didn't scold him for it. She knew that Arthur didn't mean it. He was just worried and scared. Just like her.
She decided to be completely honest with him in this matter. Another lies would only bring them more pain.
"I told Merlin a few weeks ago," she said. "Gilli found out a bit earlier."
It hurt. He just realised how long they were hiding the truth from him. He understood that Gilli, as a physician, was discreet about it. Merlin, however, was another story. He was his best friend. They talked almost every evening and Arthur just couldn't understand how Merlin could hide something like this from him. He was aware that Merlin had his secrets but it was different. It directly concerned Guinevere, his wife and the Queen of Camelot. He had right to know about it from the very beginning.
Nonetheless, Arthur decided to push this thought aside for a moment. He would confront Merlin later, once he got all the answers from Guinevere.
"And the pains?" he asked her, looking directly into her eyes. "You didn't tell me how long you've been suffering from them. I know you too well... You didn't go to Gilli the first time you felt them."
Gwen gulped and looked at him apologetically. "I've had them for several months," she admitted, lowering her gaze.
"How many?" he insisted.
She sighed heavily. "Six or seven. I'm not sure any more."
Her answer made him gasp. "Six or seven," he repeated after her in disbelief. "And when did you go to the physician? A few weeks ago?" Arthur didn't want to sound accusingly but he couldn't help himself. His emotions were too strong.
"It wasn't too bad at first," Gwen tried to defend herself.
"You waited so long..." Arthur shook his head. "And what now? You told me that Merlin and Gilli don't know what's happened to you."
"Don't blame them" she asked him quietly. "They do what they can. Merlin helps me to soothe my pains with magic."
"They would have had more time to examine your illness if you'd told them earlier," said Arthur angrily. "Perhaps they would have found something by now..."
"They can still find it," she told him reassuringly, although she was the one who needed reassurance the most in these circumstances.
Arthur looked at her sadly. His anger lessened a bit but he could still have an emotional breakdown.
Suddenly, he jumped out of bed and looked at his wife almost hysterically. "I need to talk to Merlin," he stated.
"Right now? It's late, Arthur. You can talk to him about it tomorrow," she tried to convince him.
"It can't wait," he said firmly.
Guinevere sighed heavily and said, "I'm going with you, then."
Arthur shook his head violently. "You will not do such thing!" It almost sounded like an order. "I need to have a word with him on my own."
Gwen knew that there was no point in arguing with him when Arthur was like this.
"Just don't be too harsh to him," she asked him but she wasn't sure if he was going to listen.
oOoOo
Merlin was lying in his bed, trying to fall asleep. He made a decision to have an early night once in a while, and he was trying to make it happen. It wasn't easy, even though he knew that his body needed to rest. Since he was immortal, the sleep deprivation wasn't going to kill him, but it could make his work much more difficult.
There was so many things that were running through his head this moment and it seemed impossible to let them go. Gwen's illness was his main concern. Since the day he found out about her condition, he couldn't sleep well. His brain was looking for some answers and solutions, but despite Merlin's best efforts, it all was fruitless.
Additionally, hiding Gwen's health condition from Arthur was another thing that plagued his conscience. Merlin had years of experience in lying to Arthur, although he was not proud of it, but it was entirely different. It concerned Guinevere, his Queen and wife. It could impinge upon the future of Camelot. It was important.
Merlin dismissed the thoughts that concerned any other relevant secrets that he kept from Arthur almost instantly. It was neither the time nor the place for them. He would ponder on them once Gwen was safe and healthy.
Suddenly, an urgent knocking at the door interrupted his chain of thoughts.
Before he could utter a single word, the door burst open and Arthur came inside. The king looked angry and mad.
"Arthur..." Merlin said with worry and fear. He got out of bed immediately and walked up to his friend. "What's happened?" he asked, even though he had a feeling that he already knew the answer.
"Guinevere told me everything," he said angrily.
"Arthur..."
"Don't!"
"You need to calm down. In this state you can't help anyone," Merlin tried to make him see the reason.
"Why didn't you tell me anything, Merlin?" Arthur asked, sending him an accusing glare. "I had right to know."
Merlin sighed heavily. He had a feeling that it would end in such a way ever since he had made a promise to Gwen that he would not tell Arthur about her health issues. Moreover, it only made him feel more guilty about his own secrets that he was harbouring.
"I know," said Merlin quietly. "I wanted to tell you but I gave Gwen my word."
"I thought that I was your best friend..." It hurt Merlin to hear these words. Arthur was the most important person in his life. The king should never doubt the bond they shared. Nonetheless, he understood where this accusation came from.
"You are my best friend," Merlin assured him. "But that was different. Gwen came to me as a patient. I needed to respect her request."
Arthur looked him in the eye and sighed heavily. "I know," he whispered. "I just... I needed to blame someone." He hid his face in his hands. "I don't know what to do, Merlin."
"Arthur..." Merlin whispered, and not thinking too much, he grabbed Arthur into a hug. "I understand."
"I wish I could help her," Arthur murmured. "I feel so helpless."
Merlin wanted to say that he also felt like this but it wouldn't help Arthur. He needed to be strong for his king. That was his duty.
"Me and Gilli will try to do everything to cure her," he said. "You have my word."
"But you can't guarantee that she'll be cured," said Arthur. There was no accusation in his tone, only sadness.
"That's true. I can't guarantee that." Merlin wasn't going to feed him with empty promises.
Arthur looked at him intently. "Thank you for your honesty," he said.
Merlin wanted to send him a reassuring smile but he couldn't find it in himself.
oOoOo
Merlin became even more determined to find a way to help Gwen. He started working harder, spending more hours studying healing magic and medicine. Gilli supported him all this time. They wanted to believe that together they could achieve more.
Nonetheless, the effects of their hard work were only temporary and Gwen was getting weaker and weaker with every single day. They started fearing the worst but none of them dared to tell Arthur about it. As long as Gwen was still with them, there was hope.
Guinevere was always an observant woman, and despite all the suffering that she was undergoing, she understood very well what was happening around her. She could see that Arthur was still hopeful. He started spending more time in their chambers, talking to her, asking her how she felt and if she needed anything. He was telling her where he was going to take her once she got better.
Gwen was smiling fondly at his words but deep down she knew that they were never going to come true. Arthur was still too stubborn to see it too. He felt guilty so he wanted to make everything better. She understood his behaviour but she was not going to be as delusional as he was. Merlin and Gilli worked very hard to save her but she could feel her life slowly leaving her body. Certain things were just inevitable.
However, she was going to pretend some more that she was hopeful. Arthur needed that. He needed time to get used to the idea that one of these days she would be most likely gone.
"Be honest with me," Gwen said to Merlin and Gilli after another examination. "I want to know the whole truth."
Two men shared a short look.
"It seems that our first assumption was correct and that your disease isn't magical," Merlin told her as calmly as he could. "We can't find any trace of magic. It seems purely natural."
"But it's serious, isn't it?" she asked them. "Deadly even?"
"We don't know that," Gilli told her immediately. "This disease, although natural, is a complete mystery to us."
Gwen looked at him and then back at Merlin. "But you assume that it's deadly, don't you?" she asked, looking into his eyes.
Merlin nodded shortly. Gwen had right to know their suspicions.
"Thank you, Merlin." She was grateful for this honesty.
"It doesn't mean that we're giving up," he assured her instantly. "You have my word that we will keep trying to find a cure."
Gwen smiled at him weakly. She knew that Merlin wasn't going to just let go. She admired his determination. Nonetheless, she wasn't too hopeful, as she was the one who knew best how fast her health was declining.
oOoOo
Merlin was certain that he read everything on healing magic. His head was full of information but he felt as clueless as at the beginning. Gilli tried to convince him that it was only because he didn't have enough sleep, but deep down Merlin doubted it. He didn't want to waste time on sleeping while Gwen was suffering. He didn't want to fail Arthur.
"Go to bed," Gilli told him firmly. "You won't help the Queen in this state. We will see her tomorrow morning and then we will try these new spells you found."
Merlin murmured something that sounded like "a waste of time" to Gilli.
"You can harm her if you're like this in the morning," Gilli warned him.
It seemed to work because Merlin rose from his chair with a heavy sigh and walked in the direction of his old room.
"Are you going to sleep here tonight?" Gilli asked him, clearly surprised.
"Tired..." murmured Merlin. "That's a waste of time..."
Gilli was just glad that Merlin finally listened to him. It was clear that he needed to rest.
Then he decided to follow his own advice and he went to his bed too.
In the morning, Gilli was woken by Merlin's loud groan.
He got up immediately and went to his friend's old room. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"We wasted so much time," said Merlin, clearly frustrated.
"No, we didn't," Gilli told him firmly.
"I shouldn't have listened to you."
Gilli couldn't help rolling his eyes. "You did well. Now you'll eat breakfast with me and then we will go to the royal chambers and we'll try to help Queen Guinevere once again." His tone was decisive but in order to avoid any further protests, he added, "I'll tell Arthur if you don't do what I just said. Do you want him to worry about you too?"
Merlin looked at him with irritation but he was defeated. He couldn't let Arthur worry about him when it was Gwen that needed his full attention. At this moment, Merlin hated that Gilli knew him so well.
When they finally went to Gwen, Merlin was relieved. He was in such a state that he needed to focus on something. Otherwise, he feared that he would go mad.
There was no sign of Arthur in the chambers. Merlin wasn't sure if he was happy about it or not. Gwen noticed his searching look and said, "I asked him to leave. I thought it would be easier for you."
"Thank you," said Merlin, as he knew that Arthur's presence would complicate everything. He needed to focus fully on Gwen. No one else should matter while he was treating her.
"Let's begin," Gwen asked him and Gilli. She didn't add that she wanted it to be over so she could enjoy the rest of her life that she still had.
Merlin and Gilli nodded and started the treatment. This time they combined their magical powers, as they were throwing spells at her, one after another, not even thinking about taking a break. It was tiring but it didn't matter. They were completely focused on what they were doing, not even paying attention to the passing time.
They didn't let go until they recited the last spell that they had prepared. When it happened, none of them was sure how much time passed. They were all exhausted, including Gwen.
Merlin and Gilli looked at their Queen, anticipating some response from her side. However, Gwen was too tired to even think about it.
"How are you feeling?" Merlin asked her after taking a few deep breaths. "Has something changed?"
"It's hard to tell," she said honestly. "I need to rest first..."
They understood it but weren't too hopeful. If Gwen were to feel vast improvement, she would have felt it already.
oOoOo
As they suspected, Gwen's condition didn't improve much. Arthur was devastated and it only made Merlin feel more guilty. All the spells that he found failed and they started running out of options. The only thing that Merlin believed would work was a life for a life rite. He had power to perform it but Gwen would never allow it. This much he knew without asking. The Queen would never let them sacrifice another person in exchange for her life. He didn't even dare to suggest it.
The worst thing was that it seemed that Gwen came to terms with the thought that her life was ending. She never said it directly but it was evident in everything she did. Even Arthur could no longer deny it when she asked him a question one evening.
"Could you invite Leon here?" she said in a weak voice.
Arthur looked at her, a bit confused. He wasn't sure if he heard her correctly.
"He was my dear friend when we were children. Since Elyan's gone, he's the closest person I could call my brother," she explained. "That's important to me."
Arthur smiled at her sadly. He couldn't deny her anything. Not in these circumstances.
"Of course. I'll send someone with an invitation in the morning," he assured her and kissed her hand fondly. It was cold. Too cold for his liking.
oOoOo
Leon, who was as pale as death, arrived at Camelot a few days later with Mithian by his side. The messenger had explained the circumstances shortly but he needed to find out more details himself, and most of all, he needed to see Gwen.
"How is she?" Leon asked Merlin who greeted them in the courtyard.
"Not well," Merlin told him honestly. "I'm sorry."
Leon nodded sadly. "How much time...?" He was not able to finish his question but there was no need. It was clear what he wanted to say.
"No one knows," said Merlin immediately. "She doesn't say it out loud but she wants to say goodbye to those who she holds dear." Then Merlin glanced at Mithian and noticed a small belly forming underneath her clothes. She was pregnant.
"You're not mistaken, Merlin," she said. "We're going to have a baby." Then she touched her belly affectionately.
"Congratulations," said Merlin to both of them because he didn't know what else he could say.
"Thank you." Mithian smiled lightly at him. "The circumstances aren't perfect but I couldn't leave my husband in the moment like this." Then she squeezed Leon's arm reassuringly.
The love between these two was evident. Merlin was happy for them but even this couldn't make him forget about Gwen and her suffering for a short moment.
"Would you take care of my wife?" Leon asked him suddenly. "I would like to talk to Gwen on my own."
Merlin nodded with understanding. "You know the way," he said and Leon left them alone.
Then Merlin noticed that Mithian was watching him very closely.
"He's going to need you," she said quietly.
"Leon?" Merlin asked, surprised.
"Of course not! I mean Arthur. He's going to need you when she's gone. More than any time before."
Merlin gulped at that. He was trying not to think too much about Camelot after Gwen's death. It was too painful.