The Heartbeat
Chapter 20
"A Secret Uncovered"
What Leon and Gwen were talking about the day he arrived to Camelot was a mystery. None of them said a single word about it to another soul. It was theirs and they were going to keep it this way.
Gwen asked also for Mithian's individual visit when she found out that Leon was going to be a father soon. The women talked for over an hour and Gwen looked surprisingly relaxed afterwards. They didn't know each other too well, and once they had been sort of rivals for Arthur's affection, but they found a way to get on together. Leon suspected that they were sharing some embarrassing stories about him but he didn't hold a grudge against them. Anything that could bring smile to Gwen's face was worth it.
"It was a good day," Gwen said to Arthur when they were finally going to bed. "Thank you for arranging it all."
"I'm glad it made you happy," he said quietly. There wasn't much he could do to help her but he wasn't going to refuse her something that was manageable.
Gwen sighed heavily, thinking about something very intensely. Arthur noticed it instantly and became quite protective.
"Is something bothering you, Guinevere?" he asked, watching her steadily. "Do you need anything else?"
A delicate blush spread over her cheeks. She bit her bottom lip and looked at him shyly. "We haven't made love for a long time," she murmured finally.
Her words surprised Arthur to the core. He had been busy recently and ever since he found out about Guinevere's health issues, he couldn't think about such trivial things. Finding a cure had become a priority in his mind. Nothing else mattered.
"You're in pain, Guinevere," he said reasonably. "I don't want to make you suffer more."
"I won't suffer," Gwen assured him instantly. " I just want to feel your love, wholly and completely." She didn't add for the last time, but these words were hanging in the air. Even Arthur could hear them.
"I won't forgive myself if I hurt you," he whispered almost pleadingly, caressing her hand tenderly.
"I want this," Gwen insisted. "I want to feel something good and beautiful. I want to feel alive."
Her last sentence moved Arthur deeply. He couldn't argue with that because it hurt too much.
He looked into her hopeful eyes and knew right away that he couldn't deny her this wish. It didn't matter that he wasn't in a mood. Despite all the confusions he was going through, Guinevere was the woman of his life and he loved her dearly. She was everything that he hoped for in a woman. She deserved so much more than he could give her. That was why he just couldn't say no to her. Not when she was looking at him like this.
"I'll try to be delicate," he finally said, and his words brought smile to her face. "Just promise me to tell me if you feel uncomfortable in any way."
"I will," she gave him her word and kissed him gratefully on the mouth. "You don't need to worry."
Arthur helped her lie down in a comfortable position, but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that it was a bad idea. He wanted her to enjoy it, although he couldn't find the joy himself. He kept telling himself that he needed to forget about his worries and fears for a moment. He needed to do this for Guinevere.
oOoOo
Merlin didn't expect his visions to come back in the time like this. The picture of Arthur and Gwen making love was vivid in his mind's eyes. The sight brought a piercing pain to his heart. However, he wasn't going to pity himself. Not this time. Deep down he knew that it was their goodbye. He could almost feel what was running through Arthur's head. It was most likely the last time they were making love. Arthur was completely focused on Gwen. He was slow and careful, not wanting to bring more pain to his wife. It was probably the most intimate love making that Merlin had ever witnessed. A part of him wished not to see it, but not because it was painful to watch. He got used to that feeling long time ago. Besides, he couldn't care less about himself at this moment. The truth was that Merlin felt as an intruder. He wished that Arthur and Gwen could have this loving goodbye for themselves. Watching them felt like robbing them of this precious moment.
When their love making was over and the vision faded away, Merlin started crying. The pain that he was feeling deep in his heart suddenly became stronger. It never felt like this before.
Merlin bit his lip, trying to muffle his scream. There was no one to hear it but screaming would bring him relief and Merlin didn't want that. He felt that he didn't deserve it. He felt that he failed Gwen and Arthur. Despite all his magic and combined efforts with Gilli, he couldn't find a way to save her. He deserved this pain. He felt guilty.
The true surprise happened to him in the morning. He woke up not feeling much better than the previous night. He felt defeated and was keen on spending the whole day sleeping. However, it was out of the question. He couldn't leave Arthur at such a difficult time. His friend needed him.
The knocking at the door brought him back to the reality.
Merlin got up to open it. He could do it easily with his magic but he needed something physical to focus on. It kept him composed.
"Arthur," he greeted his friend, surprised. After such an eventful night, he expected Arthur to sleep in. "You're up early."
"Guinevere woke me up," he explained. "She wants to talk to you and insists that it can't wait," he added sadly.
"Is she...?" Merlin hesitated. He didn't want to say dying. This word was too brutal. "Has her state worsened since yesterday?" he asked instead.
"Not much. I have no idea what she has in mind but she's persistent." Arthur sighed heavily. "She wants to see you and only you. She emphasised that I should stay away from our chambers for an hour." He let out a nervous laugh.
Merlin frowned. He understood that Gwen wanted to talk to him but kicking Arthur out of their room in such a direct way didn't sound like her at all.
"Will you do this for her?" Arthur asked after a moment of silence. Merlin didn't realise that he was supposed to say something.
"Of course," he said, a bit confused. "I'll go see her immediately. It must be important."
Arthur nodded approvingly. "Merlin?" he said when his friend was about to leave.
"Yes, Arthur?" He looked at his king with his blue tired eyes.
"May I stay here?" he asked. "No one will bother me in your chambers." That wasn't the whole truth. Arthur felt safe and good there. It was his second home.
"You don't need to ask," Merlin told him and squeezed his arm. "You're always welcome here." With these words said, he rushed towards Arthur's chambers where Gwen was awaiting him.
oOoOo
Merlin knocked on the door and went inside at Gwen's quiet "come in." She was smiling at him mysteriously, which only made him feel more intrigued and nervous.
"Take a seat," she asked him, pointing the chair that was standing next to her bed. "We need to talk and I want you to be completely honest with me, Merlin. There's no need to hide anything since I'll be gone soon."
"Gwen," Merlin whispered. He hated the way she was talking about her upcoming death. It almost seemed that it didn't matter to her at all.
"But that's the truth," she said calmly. "I'm dying and I know it. So do you and Arthur."
His face visibly saddened. He wasn't sure what Gwen was planning but it didn't start well.
"Don't be sad," she told him. "Wait until I'm dead so I don't have to watch it." She attempted to joke to light up his mood but it didn't work as she hoped.
"Gwen..."
She sighed lightly. "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about anyway," she changed the subject.
"So you don't want to say goodbye," murmured Merlin bitterly.
"Not exactly." She gave him a weak smile. "I intend to talk about my husband and your feelings for him."
Merlin raised his gaze and looked directly into her eyes. That wasn't something that he had ever expected to hear from her. For a short moment he thought that he misheard her, because Gwen just couldn't know about his feelings and stay so calm at the same time.
"Did you really think that you could hide it from me, Merlin?" she asked, a bit amused. "I always knew that you and Arthur shared a special bond. It was so obvious. And after Camlann... Let's say that it changed something in you, Merlin. It only made me realise how deep your feelings for my husband run."
Merlin let go of a breath that he didn't know he was holding. He felt as if his whole world collapsed.
"I assure you that I never acted on these feelings," he finally uttered. "Arthur is your husband and he loves you. I would never come in between you two."
"I know that, Merlin," she said quietly. "You're an honourable and selfless man. I never perceived you as a threat."
"How can you be so calm about it?" he asked, not being able to hold this question any longer. "And why are you bringing it up now?" He started trembling and couldn't stop. It was too much for him. He wanted this world to make sense to him again.
"Why should I be mad at you?" she said. "You can't help the way you feel about other people. Besides, how can I blame you for loving Arthur when I love him too?"
Merlin shuddered at her words. It was the first time she used the word love to describe his feelings for her husband. It felt so odd to hear it out loud. He knew how he felt about Arthur but hearing it so plainly from another person was something new. He had no idea how to deal with it.
However, it was her next words that made his world crumble.
"I'm glad that you love him, Merlin." She reached out for his hand and squeezed it lightly. "I'm glad that he won't be alone after I'm gone. He needs to be loved for who he is and not for his titles, and you already love him for that."
"I..." Merlin couldn't make himself say anything more. He was speechless and confused. Nothing seemed right.
He could only gape at Gwen with his sheepish eyes. Gwen, who was a wonderful woman with a big heart. How such a good person could exist in this world was beyond his understanding.
"You don't have to worry, Merlin," she said in a quiet tone. "I meant every word I said. I'm not mad at you. Quite the contrary, actually."
Merlin hid his face in his hands. It all was too much for him. He couldn't believe that it was happening.
"You don't need to hide from me, Merlin," Gwen told him after a moment of silence.
"I just feel so embarrassed," he finally admitted. "And guilty." Then he looked at her so she could see the tears shining in his eyes.
"Don't."
"How can I?" He sighed heavily. "I was supposed to find a cure, as I always did, and you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with Arthur. That was supposed to happen," he said angrily. "A happy ending."
Guinevere smiled sadly at him. "How can you be certain? Perhaps this is how it was meant to be all along," she said.
"But you are his Queen," Merlin argued. "You were supposed to rule together. That was a perfect match!"
"But was it foretold?" she asked him. "Were there any prophecies about me and Arthur? You once mentioned that Arthur was the Once and Future King who would unite this land. I never heard you mention the Once and Future Queen."
Merlin hesitated. He never thought about it in this way.
"I assume that these prophecies mentioned you as his guardian," she continued. "Arthur needs you to fulfil his destiny, not me."
"You're important too," said Merlin stubbornly. "He chose you."
"That he did," she admitted. "But you were the one who was keeping him safe all these years. You were the one who saved him when all hope was gone. To be honest, I still have no idea how you managed to save him after Camlann. You are a walking miracle, Merlin."
Once again Merlin shuddered at her words. Deep down he hoped that she was never going to ask him about what exactly happened on the Isle of the Blessed.
"What is it?" she asked and Merlin realised that she must have noticed his reaction. "You shuddered when I mentioned Camlann."
"Arthur almost died there," he tried to explain.
She shook her head. "That's not it," she insisted. "You always avoid this subject. What are you hiding?"
"Nothing."
Gwen raised her eyebrowin the same manner Gaius used to do. "I asked you not to lie to me today," she reminded him. "I want to know the truth, Merlin. How did you save my husband? Arthur was wounded by the blade that could kill an immortal being. How did you manage to reverse that?"
There was so many questions. Merlin didn't know what to do anymore.
"Tell me, Merlin," she said as firmly as she could.
He gulped and looked at her closely. He knew that he had to choose his words very carefully. "I bound him to myself," he finally said.
Gwen was looking at him, intrigued. "How?" she asked.
It was the hardest part to explain. He had no idea how to put it in a delicate way. Gwen knew about his feelings for Arthur but telling her that her husband was carrying half of his heart seemed much worse. In Merlin's eyes it was like a betrayal.
"Please, be honest. You don't have to worry about my reaction," Gwen assured him.
"If only it was so easy," murmured Merlin, sighing.
"It is. Just say it."
Then Merlin nodded lightly and met her eyes. "You were right. Arthur was destined to die on that day but I couldn't let it happen. I was ready to do anything to save him, even if it required giving my own life for his."
Gwen didn't appear to be surprised in any way by his confession. She was always certain that Merlin was capable of such a sacrifice.
"But you didn't do that," she pointed out. "You're still here."
"Only because those we met in Avalon weren't willing to take my life. They told me that it couldn't be traded," he explained.
"So you found another solution," she said, smiling. "What was it?"
Merlin bit his lip. He knew that he couldn't escape this question any longer.
"Arthur's heart was poisoned by the blade of Mordred's sword. It could be cured in Avalon but it required time that Arthur didn't have," Merlin started the story. "When I heard it, I knew that I didn't want to leave him there alone. I was determined to stay with him in Avalon."
Gwen gasped. "It would most likely kill you," she whispered. "You wanted to die with him."
"That's true," Merlin admitted, blushing madly. He understood Gwen's reaction. Giving his life in exchange for Arthur's was one thing, but dying without any gain was a sacrifice on a completely different level. "When they realised what I was planning to do, they became furious," he continued. "They couldn't let it happen."
"So they did help Arthur after all," said Gwen, smiling a little bit wider.
"They told me about an ancient rite that could save him but there was no guarantee that it would work. I believed that the chances were slim but I had to try." He took a deep breath, wondering if he should explain it in more detail. "If it hadn't worked, I would have died too, but I was ready for that all along."
"I already know that," Gwen assured him. "Please explain what you had to do. I need to know it to find peace at last."
Merlin nodded, understanding. He also needed to finally confess it to her.
"As I said before, Arthur's heart was poisoned and needed time to be cured." He looked her in the eye. "He needed a new heart."
Gwen shook her head, saying, "But it can't be... you're alive."
Merlin took her hand and put it on his chest. "What you can feel under my skin right now is only half of my heart. Arthur has the other half."
She took her hand away in fear. "How is that possible?" she whispered. "How can you live with only half of your heart?"
Merlin didn't want to answer that question. He didn't want her to feel less worthy. She already had doubts about her relationship with Arthur and there was no need to confirm them.
"Because of magic," he decided to say.
"No, there's more than that," she insisted. "You said yourself that the chances were slim. Something could go wrong and you don't want to tell me the whole truth." Then her pupils widened and she gasped. "You are his other half," she whispered. "That's why it works."
Merlin shook his head. "Gwen... it's not like that."
"Don't lie to me, Merlin!" She wasn't angry, just a bit sad and overwhelmed.
"Arthur loves you," he said firmly. "He chose you."
"Yes, but he made a mistake."
"No, Gwen, you are his world. He couldn't have made a better choice," he said, meaning his every word.
"You must mean more than the world to him, then," she said in a surprisingly calm voice. "I know that Arthur loves me. I can feel it but you... you are his true soulmate. You two share a heart." Then something occurred to her. "Does Arthur even know?" she asked.
"Of course not."
"He deserves to know," she said firmly. "Don't hide something so important from him."
"I will tell him one day. You can be certain of that," he assured her.
"Don't wait too long," she asked him. "I want him to be happy. Don't let him mourn me too long."
"Gwen..."
"I mean it, Merlin." She gave him a warning look. "I will come back to haunt you if you fail," she joked.
"You're not dead, Gwen," he reminded her.
"Yet." She sent him a weak smile.
"You're impossible," he mumbled.
She straightened up. "Now that we have it clarified, please lie down on the bed next to me and tell me about all the adventures we had. I want to keep all the good memories in mind," she said fondly.
Merlin smiled at her and followed her request gladly. He was relieved that the serious subjects were over.
He didn't mention his and Arthur's immortality. After all, Gwen didn't have to know everything. Besides, he thought that it would be cruel to tell her about their immortality while she was dying before her time. It was better this way.
Arthur found them giggling on the bed half an hour later and couldn't help smiling himself. It was good to see his wife so happy one more time.
oOoOo
Gwen's state worsened dramatically afterwards and a few days later she was not able to get up from her bed at all. Arthur was spending almost every moment with her, limiting his kingly duties as much as possible. Merlin was using his magic to soothe her pains but even his powers couldn't stop the inevitable. Her life was coming to an end sooner than they expected.
"Will you stay awake with me?" Gwen asked Arthur in the evening. "I don't want to be alone when it happens."
"You don't need to ask," Arthur assured her immediately and kissed her hand tenderly.
Gwen tried to smile but it was too painful. She could only look at her dear husband with her big brown eyes. She wanted to keep the image of his face in her mind forever, hoping that in the afterlife she would be able to come back to the good moments they shared.
Arthur lay down next to her and embraced her.
"Hold me tighter," she whispered and he did. Arthur knew that it must have caused her more pain, but apparently she needed his closeness more. He could not argue with her in such a moment. He needed to be there for her until the very end.
Guinevere died an hour later, surrounded by the man she loved. While dying, she thought that it wasn't the worst way to leave this world. Despite everything she learnt from Merlin, she felt loved, and that was the most important thing.
oOoOo
Merlin felt it when Gwen died, not because of a special bond that he shared with her, but because of Arthur's despair. It was strong enough to fill both halves of their heart.
Acting on an impulse, he rushed towards Arthur's rooms. He couldn't leave Arthur alonein a moment like this. The king needed a friend, someone who would care for him, and Merlin was there to fulfil this duty.
He waited patiently when Arthur was crying, still holding Gwen's body. When the king had no more tears to shed, Merlin came closer to him and held him tightly.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. It should have been me, he thought but didn't dare say it out loud.
"I can't believe it..." mumbled Arthur. "She was so full of life. She deserved to live..."
"I know."
They stayed in a silent embrace for several long minutes. Merlin didn't care much about his own discomfort but he was worried about Arthur. It wasn't healthy for him to cling to Gwen's body through the whole night. Staying up wasn't going to bring her back. He needed to let go.
"Arthur... Someone needs to take care of her body," Merlin whispered, fearing his reaction.
Arthur raised his head and looked at him as if he just noticed that he was there. His eyes were puffy from crying and his hair was tangled.
"I don't want to stay here alone," said Arthur in a vulnerable voice. The very sound of it shattered Merlin's heart to tiny pieces.
"You won't," he promised him. "Come with me to my rooms."
Arthur hesitated. "Someone should inform the people," he murmured.
"I'll take care of everything," Merlin assured him and helped him rise to his feet. I'll take care of you, he thought.
Arthur had no strength to argue so he followed Merlin obediently. He didn't want to stay in his chambers this night. It would be too painful.
To his surprise, he saw that the servants were already awaiting them in the hall next to his rooms. Merlin had already informed them. He probably took care of everything else too.
"Merlin?" he whispered.
"Don't think about it," Merlin told him firmly. "Not tonight."
He led him to his chambers where he put him in his own bed. That was the least he could do.
"I won't be able to fall asleep," murmured Arthur.
"You will," Merlin assured him and put his hands on Arthur's temples, ready to cast the right spell.
"Don't you ever leave me, Merlin," whispered Arthur, looking into his eyes.
"I wouldn't dream of it," the warlock replied. Then he whispered foreign words of a spell and added, "Now sleep well."
Merlin knew that it was a wishful thinking but at least he was able to give him a dreamless sleep for the night. Arthur needed it more than any time before.