The Heartbeat

Chapter 21

"The Dawn of Loneliness"

It was almost dawn and Merlin didn't sleep even one hour during that night. He kept watch over Arthur, thinking about what his friend was going through. Arthur just lost his wife and his Queen. It was going to have a huge impact on his future life. Merlin couldn't imagine his life without Arthur in it, and now Arthur had to learn to live without Gwen. It wasn't going to be easy.

For now Arthur was sleeping peacefully since Merlin ensured him a dreamless rest. However, it wasn't going to last much longer. His spell would wear off any time soon and Merlin didn't believe that putting another spell on Arthur was right. It would only postpone the inevitable.

"Merlin..." Arthur mumbled when the first sun rays appeared over the horizon.

Merlin moved on the bed towards his friend. He tried to keep a distance during the night but at the moment Arthur needed him closer. "I'm here," he whispered, touching his shoulder.

Arthur looked at him in the semi-darkness and smiled sadly. "Thank you, my friend," he murmured. "For everything."

Merlin shook his head. "I don't deserve it. I failed you," he said.

"No, don't say that." Arthur's voice was quite insistent. "You're the one who never truly left me. Even when I thought that you did, you only tried to save me."

"And I will never leave you, Arthur," Merlin assured him. "Unless you want me gone... But even then I wouldn't go far. I would watch over you no matter what."

Merlin felt as Arthur's fingers intertwined with his. It felt so intimate that Merlin feared he wasn't going to survive this.

"I felt so lonely when she died, Merlin," Arthur said suddenly. "I think that until the very end I hoped that it wouldn't happen."

"Me too," Merlin admitted quietly. "I hoped for your sake... and for Camelot's sake... but also for mine. She was my first friend here in Camelot. I can't believe she's gone now."

"Guinevere had this spark inside. She always knew what to do or say." Arthur took a deep breath to calm down. "I don't know how to run this kingdom without her."

"You will find the way," Merlin assured him instantly.

Arthur moved slightly closer to him. "But only if you stay by my side," he whispered. "I won't find it in myself if you leave me, Merlin. The loneliness would kill me if you weren't here."

Merlin gulped at this confession. "It's good that I'm not going anywhere, then," he murmured.

"Do you fear loneliness?" Arthur asked him suddenly, after a few minutes of complete silence.

"All the time," Merlin replied honestly.

It was a good moment to tell Arthur about their immortality. Merlin felt that a better moment would never come but he couldn't help thinking that it was too soon after Gwen's death. After such an emotional blow, Arthur wasn't ready for another life-shattering news. This revelation had to wait for its own turn.

"Are you lonely, Merlin?"

This question startled him a little bit. He didn't know when Arthur's face got so close to his.

"Not right now," he answered in a whisper.

"Good," said Arthur and squeezed his hand.

Merlin wasn't sure what to think about it. A part of him wanted to run away because this proximity was dangerously tempting. The other part, however, wanted to cling to Arthur and never leave his side again.

They drifted to sleep in this semi-embrace. They still had a couple of hours until the rest of the world required their presence and attention.

oOoOo

Leon and Mithian offered their support after Guinevere's death but it was Merlin that Arthur needed the most.

Gwen's funeral was the most traumatic funeral that Merlin attended. He had been devastated by Gaius' death but it was nothing in comparison to what he felt at the moment. Gaius lived a long life while Gwen's life was cut before her time. Moreover, she meant the world to Arthur, and watching him suffer because of her death made Merlin feel worse. Besides, the guilt didn't make it any easier. Arthur might not have considered him guilty but Merlin had different opinion on this matter. He couldn't help thinking that if it had been Arthur in Gwen's place, he would have found a way to save him. He feared that he didn't try hard enough because it was Gwen. This thought was going to haunt him for a long time to come.

The whole castle seemed extraordinarily quiet since the Queen died. Moreover, the day of her funeral was cloudy and rainy. It seemed as if the whole world was mourning her death.

Arthur was also very quiet during the ceremony. He said only a few words of goodbye and then turned completely silent. Merlin was the one who gave a brief speech about Guinevere. He could tell that it was something that Arthur wanted, as the king nodded shortly at him. It was the least Merlin could do for his friend.

After the funeral, Arthur went to his chambers to spend some time alone. Merlin was willing to keep him company, but Arthur didn't ask him for it, and he didn't suggest it himself, as he assumed that the king needed this time only for himself.

In the evening he was invited, along with Leon and Mithian, to a small dinner in Arthur's chambers. They were recalling their memories of Gwen, and it even made Arthur smile once or twice. Merlin was glad to see it.

Leon and Mithian were leaving in the morning. They had spent a lot of time in Camelot and their kingdom needed them too. Merlin understood that very well.

When he walked up to Mithian to say his goodbyes, she whispered into his ear, "Take care of Arthur. You're the one who can make him happy again."

Merlin wasn't sure what she meant exactly but he wasn't going to raise any questions during their goodbye. "I will," he promised, bringing smile to her face.

oOoOo

Camelot wasn't the same place after Gwen's death. The walls seemed colder and the corridors seemed emptier. Merlin hoped that it was only a temporary effect because Arthur was affected by it all too. The king was much more quieter. He rarely laughed these days, and when he did, he didn't put his whole heart into it. Merlin knew him well enough to see the difference.

Moreover, Arthur tended to spend more time alone. When he needed some company, he still visited Merlin's chambers, but he usually remained silent for most of the time. Merlin needed to fill the silence with his babbling because he couldn't stand it. Arthur listened to him carefully but replied to Merlin's questions only when his friend clearly expected an answer. Most of the time he was simply staring at the window or at Merlin. These two things became his favourite activities recently.

A couple of weeks after Gwen's death, Arthur surprised Merlin with an unforced remark.

"I like it here," he simply said. "Your chamber is nicer than mine."

"Your chamber is definitely larger and less cluttered," Merlin engaged in this conversation instantly. Arthur's initiative was something new and he wasn't going to waste it.

"My chamber seems too large nowadays," the king admitted sadly. "Besides, it reminds me ofGuinevere, which is good sometimes but other times... let's say that sometimes I would like to focus on different things."

"That's why you're coming here."

Arthur looked at him closely. "I'm coming here because you're my friend and because you understand why I need to be like this." He sighed heavily. "I know that I'm not going to be in this state forever but at the moment it definitely seems so."

"You should take all the time you need to mourn Gwen," Merlin told him. "The people of Camelot understand that. They know what a wonderful Queen Gwen was and they also feel this loss."

"Most of all, they need a strong leader. I need to pull myself together before something bad happens," he said.

"I won't let that happen on my watch," Merlin assured him, smiling to lighten up his mood a bit. "I'll take care of any threats that may arise."

"Camelot is my responsibility, Merlin, and people expect certain things from their king." He sighed again. "I may seem reserved but I'm not deaf yet. I'm aware of what some members of the Council are talking about behind my back."

"If they want to commit a treason..." started Merlin warningly. The truth was that he had no idea what certain members of the Council were planning. He was too preoccupied with Arthur's well-being to listen to the castle gossips.

"It's not a treason. Calm down," Arthur told him quietly. "Some of them would want to find me another wife."

"Oh... It's too soon," said Merlin as calmly as possible, while he was screaming inside. He couldn't imagine Arthur taking another wife. Gwen was his friend, and he loved and respected her, but some royal stranger that would take her place was just too much. No woman could replace Gwen. Besides, he also didn't want to see Arthur marry another woman for completely selfish reasons, but he was never going to admit it out loud.

"They want me to create a new alliance and father an heir," Arthur explained.

"But you..." Merlin hesitated, not wanting to bring up another sensitive subject.

"I can't have children," Arthur confirmed calmly. "But they don't know it."

Merlin looked at him closely and asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I don't intend to take a wife ever again," he told him. "That's pointless. I won't marry someone to gain an ally and I can't father an heir."

"They're not going to like it," said Merlin truthfully, but inside he felt a great wave of relief. He wasn't going to lose Arthur to some stranger and it felt amazing.

"They don't have to," Arthur replied and looked at him with his big blue eyes. There was something new in the way he was looking at him. Merlin could still see the sadness in his eyes but there was more. It looked very much like longing.

Merlin's treacherous heart started beating faster. The way Arthur was looking at him at the moment made him crave things, and it was scary. He knew it couldn't be true. Arthur couldn't desire him, even though it very much seemed so. Arthur loved Gwen and her death made him feel lonely and confused. Merlin had to firmly tell himself that he couldn't take advantage of this situation. Arthur was his friend and he wasn't going to ruin that by some foolish actions.

"You will have to explain it to them. I don't envy you," said Merlin in order to make himself forget about what he was thinking a moment ago.

"I will when the time comes," Arthur assured him.

Merlin nodded understandingly. It was clear that it wasn't a good time for such a conversation, although it was Arthur who started it.

"I should probably retire to my chambers," said Arthur suddenly.

"You don't have to." Merlin hoped that his voice didn't sound too pleadingly, but he couldn't be certain.

"I know." Arthur gave him a weak smile. "But it's time for me. I'm tired."

Merlin was almost sure that it was a lie but he wasn't going to stop him. Apparently, Arthur needed to spend the rest of the evening alone. It didn't matter that it saddened Merlin. Arthur's well-being was always his priority.

"Goodnight, then," he said, defeated.

"Goodnight, Merlin."

The warlock sighed heavily once Arthur was gone. His king's presence had a stronger impact on him than before, and there was no way to change that. Merlin was doomed.

oOoOo

The time went by and the people of Camelot started slowly accepting the new order of things. They had the kingdom without the Queen and with the King who was grieving.

Merlin watched it all with a heavy heart. He knew that sooner or later Arthur would come back to his old self, even though he was never going to forget Guinevere. However, the process of grief required time.

The nights had become much quieter since Gwen's death. Merlin no longer had to watch Arthur making love to her and he was relieved about it. At the same time, however, he couldn't help feeling guilty. It almost felt as if he was glad that Guinevere was dead, and it made him feel sick about himself. Arthur and Gwen didn't know what their love making was doing to Merlin. It was never their fault.

Merlin thought that he was discreet about his confusions and that he hid them well but Arthur was very observant. He started noticing certain things that he had missed before. Merlin was watching him with confusion and sadness. Arthur was in a dark place himself but he couldn't ignore Merlin. Not when he had become the most important person in his life. Not when he realised that perhaps Merlin had occupied this position long before Gwen was gone. It was one of the things that confused and worried Arthur the most. He tried to comprehend the way he was feeling about Merlin but he couldn't find the right words to describe it. Sometimes he felt as if he desired him physically and emotionally but he was suppressing that feeling because it was making him feel guilty. Arthur was a recent widowerand he needed to act like one. Besides, every time he tried to suggest something to Merlin, his friend backed away. There was no easy way to make Merlin talk about it.

All that Arthur could do was glancing longingly at him, catching his eyes. Merlin being Merlin lowered his gaze every time his eyes met Arthur's, which was partially adorable, but most of all frustrating. He wasn't sure if Merlin avoided his gaze because he was oblivious or intimidated or simply not interested. It was too soon to try to make a move so Arthur restricted himself to sending him longing glances. However, when the right time came, he wouldmake Merlin talk about all the things that they both were apparently afraid of.

Merlin looked at it all from a different perspective. He noticed Arthur's glances but he didn't dare to hope. He could tell that Arthur was confused and he understood that. There was no way that Arthur in his right mind would look at him in that way. Arthur wasn't this kind of man. He loved Gwen and was devoted to her even after her death. He wasn't going to marry another woman, even if such a marriage could bring him some political benefits. He respected Gwen too much to do that.

It didn't mean that Arthur felt nothing for him. Merlin was certain that Arthur loved him in a platonic way. They were friends and they shared a bond. It didn't matter what Gwen told him. She was dying and she didn't want to leave Arthur alone. Merlin believed that was why she was exaggerating the way Arthur cared for him. He didn't want to complicate their lives for some stupid dreams. Their bond meant more to him than earthly desires.

Besides, even if it could be possible, Merlin felt that he couldn't allow it. Not when Arthur didn't know the whole truth, and Merlin was certain that once he found out, he wouldn't want to give them another chance. The immortality was one issue but constant lying was another, and it was so much worse. Arthur managed to forgive him his lies concerning magic but he made it clear that he didn't want to hear another lies from Merlin ever again. The king had accepted that Merlin had some secrets but he couldn't know how life-changing they were. They concerned Arthur directly. That wasn't something that could be forgiven lightly.

Now Merlin knew that he should have been honest with Arthur all along. In the grand scheme of things it would have been a better choice. At least he would have avoided the lying part. Now he was so tangled in the web of lies that he didn't know how to get out of it. However, the person who was going to suffer the most was Arthur, and Merlin couldn't stand that thought.