The Heartbeat

Chapter 22

"Inner Fight"

The weeks turned into months and Arthur was clearly getting better. He no longer appeared to be sad, just a bit melancholic from time to time. Perhaps it was the spring that improved his mood. Perhaps it was the influence of something entirely different. All Merlin could do was wonder and listen to Arthur's every word, but he was already doing the latter anyway.

However, one day something new happened. Arthur asked him to join him during the horse ride.

"It's a lovely day," the king said cheerfully. "It would be a pity to spend it inside these cold walls."

Merlin agreed with him gladly. Every opportunity to see Arthur like this was worth it.

As he found out later that day, it was more than a horse ride. Arthur had planned a picnic and this time his surprise wasn't ruined by rain.

"And you still don't like surprises?" Arthur asked him when they finished their picnic meal.

"What?" Merlin looked at him, frowning.

"Don't you remember? I tried to surprise you with a picnic when we got rid of Sir Lamorak, but the rain ruined it and we had to stay inside," Arthur reminded him. "You told me then that you didn't like surprises."

"Well... This time you did quite well so I can accept it," he teased.

"You're generous," Arthur teased his friend back and smiled at him.

They were lying on the blanket in silence, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the quietness of their surroundings. It was perfect.

Suddenly, Arthur turned on his side to look directly at Merlin. The warlock thought that he was going to come back to teasing him but nothing like that happened.

"Guinevere told me that she wanted me to be happy," he said in a very serious tone.

Merlin was a bit startled by the suddenness of his confession, but not by its contents. He knew that Gwen wanted everything that was best for Arthur. He would have told him the same if he had been dying.

"Are you happy?" Merlin asked him hesitantly.

"I am, here with you." This time Arthur whispered his words, and then reached out his hand to touch Merlin's. "But I could be happier."

Merlin's heart started beating madly and there was no possibility that it could escape Arthur's attention.

All sorts of things crossed Merlin's mind at these words. One of them was that Arthur was enchanted because there was no way that he could be like this towards Merlin when there was no threat or emotional breakdown on the horizon.

"I want you to be happier too," said Merlin because what else he could say. However, at the same time, he punched Arthur in the shoulder to ease the tension. He needed more time to process it all.

Arthur moved away his hand instantly. He tried to hide it but it was clear to Merlin that his face slightly saddened.

Merlin was aware that he ruined the moment. However, it was the only thing that came to his mind, which could give him more time to process what had just been said.

"I think we should come back to the castle," he murmured and got up before Arthur could voice his objection.

oOoOo

Merlin didn't know how to handle what happened during the picnic. He had to start reacting somehow to Arthur's advances, but how to do it reasonably was a mystery to him. That was why he decided to ask Gilli for an advice. After all, the young physician was the only person in Camelot who knew his secret.

"You finally remember that you have a friend here," Gilli greeted him, but there was no bitterness in his voice.

"I'm sorry," said Merlin sheepishly. "I know that I am the worst of friends but I need your advice."

"As always, Merlin, as always," he said and nodded his head towards an empty chair. "Take a seat."

Merlin did it gladly. He wasn't sure if he was able to carry this conversation standing. He was too overwhelmed.

"What's the problem?" Gilli encouraged him, seeing Merlin's hesitation.

"I can't get rid of the feeling that Arthur tries to... court me," he finally said it out loud, and instantly felt amazingly relieved.

Gilli smiled mischievously under his nose.

"You don't seem surprised," Merlin murmured.

"Because I'm not," Gilli told him. "It's been obvious to me for a long time that our king is jealous and that he has his eyes only for you."

"Gilli." Merlin sounded scandalised. "He lost his wife merely six months ago. That's not what the recent widower should do."

"It's good then that he's started feeling all these things long before the Queen died," he said as if it could make anything better.

"Gilli!"

"But that's the truth."

Merlin bit his lip and said, "Even if it was true, it wouldn't be appropriate. We're... you know... two men." Saying that cost him a lot of embarrassment, and as a result, a huge blush spread all over his face.

"It doesn't seem to stop Arthur," Gilli pointed out. "Why should it bother you?"

Merlin gulped and lowered his gaze. That was another thing that troubled him.

"What is it?" Gilli asked him. His tone suddenly changed from a teasing to a serious one.

"What if he's not acting entirely voluntarily?" he murmured.

Gilli frowned, not being sure if he understood his friend correctly. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Do you think he's enchanted by someone?"

Merlin shook his head. "Not by someone. By something."

"Please elaborate," Gilli asked him.

The warlock sighed heavily. "I fear that the half of my heart that beats in his chest may influence his feelings," he finally admitted. "Arthur has changed after Camlann. I know that deep down he always cared for me but he never showed it in such a plain way. He always denied it when he was confronted about it."

Now Gilli understood what was going through Merlin's head. "First of all, you should calm down," he told him. "You shouldn't jump to such conclusions. The near-death experience might have as well changed his general attitude to life. His attitude towards you, to be more specific."

"Maybe... or maybe he's confused because of my heart," said Merlin and groaned loudly. "What shall I do, Gilli?"

"If it's so important to you, then you should find out the truth," his friend told him. "I know that I advised you against going to the Sidhe before but perhaps you should visit them again."

Merlin looked at him in disbelief. "You were afraid that they would trick me," he said.

"Yes, but you already gave them what they wanted. It can't get any worse," Gilli pointed out. "Besides, as far as we know, they're the only creatures that may know the answer to your questions. Unless you want to try to get to Avalon itself."

"I doubt they would let me into Avalon again," said Merlin honestly. "The Sidhe seem to be my last resort but I already gave them my protection. What else could I offer them in exchange for answers?"

"Nothing. You are their protector. You shouldn't pay them for the answers," his friend suggested.

"I doubt they will look at it in this way but I have an idea," murmured Merlin. "Thank you, Gilli."

"You're welcome, but next time you come here, you should pay me a friendly visit. No more ground shattering news, if that's possible," he joked.

Merlin smiled at him lightly. "I'll keep that in mind," he said and rushed out of Gilli's quarters.

oOoOo

Merlin went to tell Arthur that he needed two or three days off. He knew that the king would raise some questions but disappearing without a word seemed to be a worse option.

"Is that another quest of yours?" Arthur asked, watching him closely, if not suspiciously.

"It is," Merlin confirmed, trying not to sound too nervous.

"And you can't tell me what it is exactly," the king continued.

Merlin bit his bottom lip. "Not yet," he admitted.

"That's another secret you want to keep from me," said Arthur. "You promised to tell me everything soon but you didn't." His eyes suddenly became implacable.

Merlin sighed. "I know it's frustrating but many things happened recently and..."

"You mean Guinevere's death," Arthur cut in.

"Among other things, yes."

"Whatever it is, I can bear it," Arthur assured him. "You don't need to protect me from everything. Just tell me the truth."

"That's complicated." Merlin took a deep breath. "I know that you hate it but you need to wait some more. Not much, I promise. I need to learn something before I reveal all my secrets, and then I will tell you everything. You have my word."

Arthur nodded and looked at him a bit hopefully. "Go then and learn what you must learn. I can wait some more for the answers."

Merlin smiled at him warmly. "Thank you, Arthur," he said. "I appreciate your patience."

oOoOo

When Merlin reached the Lake of Avalon he knew what had to be done. The Sidhe respected power so he needed to be strong. Otherwise they could deem him unworthy of their attention.

When he called them, he was surprised by the the firmness of his own voice. It didn't tremble even for a second.

The waters of the Lake opened and this time Merlin stood face to face with only one Sidhe. It was the oldest one of those he had met before.

"You shouldn't overuse your power, Emrys," the Sidhe spoke, watching him suspiciously. "We are not your puppets."

"I don't mean to offend your kind but there are certain matters that I can't ignore," Merlin told him. "Last time we spoke I was overwhelmed by the things you revealed to me and I didn't ask the right questions. I've come here today to finally get the answers that I seek."

"You had your chance before and you wasted it," said the Sidhe. "This is your problem, not ours."

Merlin expected such an answer so he was prepared. "I don't ask you for help. I demand the answers," he said, unaffected.

The Sidhe flew closer to him and looked him in the eye. "You demand?" he asked, curious.

"I gave you my protectionfor the centuries to come. You owe me the answers when I demand them." Merlin hoped that it would be enough. He didn't want toput his magic to use but he was ready to do that if it was necessary.

"You're bold, Emrys," said the Sidhe. "To be honest, I didn't know that you had it in yourself."

"Elaborate," said Merlin. He had to focus to avoid using such words as please. In the eyes of the Sidhe they were the sign of weakness.

"I always thought that you wasted your potential. You have so much power, yet you seem so fragile. However, your determination has finally come to the surface. Better now than never." The creature sounded genuine but Merlin couldn't let himself be distracted in such a way. He needed to keep in mind the reason why he had come to the Lake of Avalon.

"I don't seek compliments. I'm here for the answers."

The Sidhe smirked. "You repeat that you're here for the answers but you didn't ask any question yet," said the creature. "Do you expect me to read your mind?"

Merlin had to use all his strength to keep his excitement at bay. He couldn't help wondering if it meant that the Sidhe was willing to answer his questions. However, hekept the straight face, not revealing any emotion.

"I only wanted to make my point clear," he said coolly.

"You did, so now tell me what you want exactly and I'll see if I can give you your answers," the Sidhe told him. "Then we can end this game and hopefully we won't need to see each other for a very long time." The magical creature almost seemed dispassionate and bored but Merlin could sense that it was just a part of their game.

"I need to know more about the heart-sharing ritual," he started. "How does this magic work? What impact does it have on the recipient?"

"You know how it works, Emrys. You gave half of your heart to Pendragon, binding his life to yours in the consequence," the Sidhe told him. "That's a very old and unpredictable magic. Very few survived it when the ancient magic thrived on this Earth."

Merlin gulped at these words. He had been told that the rite was dangerous but he didn't know that the positive outcome was so rare.

"Does it influence the recipient in any other way?" Merlin finally asked. "Does it have impact on his thoughts, beliefs or feelings?" He couldn't put it in a more direct way. It would be too embarrassing.

"You think that the young Pendragon is influenced by your thoughts and beliefs and feelings?" the Sidhe asked, smirking. "That's interesting."

"I'm not here for your amusement, but for the answers," Merlin reminded him firmly. "Is it something beyond your knowledge?"

"It depends... The heart-sharing magic is older than me. Those who practised it before you are long gone," the Sidhe said. "However, there are somepointers that can guide you to your answers. The heart-sharing rite was rarely successful. Do you know why, Emrys?"

"The giver and the recipient must be each other's halves," said Merlin, remembering what he heard in Avalon.

"Yes, and finding one's true half is rarer than people want to believe," the Sidhe told him. "Two halves must complete each other and that's barely achievable in human form."

"People know how to love but they rarely complete each other," Merlin murmured to himself. "That makes sense." Then he glanced at the Sidhe. "In what way it answers my question?" he asked, confused.

"You surprise me with your ignorance, Emrys," the creature said. "You and Pendragon survived the rite. You are each other's halves. What else do you need to know to see it?"

"I know that Arthur is my other half but I'm worried that my heart changes his behaviour in some way," Merlin admitted, revealing his weakness. It wasn't a wise thing to do but the Sidhe already knew all of it.

"You may be powerful, Emrys, but you are still a victim to earthly needs. At the same time they make you weaker and stronger," he said curiously. "You are scared by the sudden attention Pendragon pays to you," he said, smirking. "You believe that yourheart caused it and you feel guilty about it."

Merlin felt that he was losing their game and that he needed to do something to get the answers before it was over.

"It's true," he said, deciding that honesty was his last chance. "Has my heart changed Arthur's feelings?"

"I gave you an answer and you still can't decipher it," the Sidhe said. "Unbelievable."

"When did you give me the answer?" Merlin asked, watching the creature carefully.

"Pendragon is alive. It proves that you are his true half."

"Does it?" Merlin looked at him defiantly. "Arthur chose Gwen to be his other half. Perhaps it was just my magic that kept him alive."

"That's not how the rite works, Emrys, and you know it."

"What does it have to do with anything?" Merlin asked angrily. "I didn't come here to discuss the probability ofme being Arthur's soulmate. I'm here to find out if he still has his free will."

"If you paid more attention to the basic facts, you would know that these two things are connected," the Sidhe said quietly. "The heart-sharing couldn't change Pendragon's feelings because the very fact that he's still alive means that these feelings must have been there before."

When it was finally plainly stated, Merlin understood how stupid and ignorant he must have seemed to the Sidhe. However, most of all, he felt a relief. Finally it all made sense to him.

"So it comes from Arthur, not from me," he whispered to himself, relieved and happy. It was a wonderful feeling.

"You are the most powerful sorcerer, Emrys, but your ignorance is greater than your powers," the Sidhe told him once again. "There are so many things that you still need to learn."

"I will learn them all," said Merlin cheerfully, as he forgot to keep his pose.

"You must remember that this help wasn't given for free," the Sidhe told him. "When the dark times come, you will ensure the survival of my kind."

"I gave you my protection before. I can give you my word now but I thought that you don't trust humankind," said Merlin.

"The paths of destiny are winding. In the future we may have no choice but to trust you." The Sidhe flew even closer to him than before. He was right in front of Merlin's face. "My brothers and sisters may not like it but it's true. The Sidhe will need you and the Once and Future King. That's certain."

"That's why you helped me today," murmured Merlin.

"Indeed. Once again I ensured your protection," he said. "You may be a human but you're also a creature of magic and you're honourable. You will feel indebted to us."

Merlin understood it very well. This Sidhe did something unthinkable, he put his trust in a human, just in order to ensure the survival of his kind. Merlin respected that because he also did the unthinkable to save Arthur. He and the Sidhe had that in common.

"I hope that we will not need to see each other sooner than it's necessary," the Sidhe said as his goodbye.

Merlin nodded, but before he walked away, he had one last question. "What's your name?" he asked out of the blue.

The Sidhe seemed genuinely surprised. "Humans never cared for our names," he said.

"I'm the first one, then," said Merlin boldly.

"Gobaith. My name is Gobaith."

oOoOo

Arthur seemed pleased to see him returning safely on the next day. It was the evening and the king watched him from the window of Merlin's chambers. It didn't escape Merlin's attention and it made him certain that the king was awaiting him and his answers. He sighed inwardly. He felt much better than before but he needed more time to process everything he learnt from Gobaith. Arthur needed to wait some more and Merlin had to quickly find a way to placate him.

"Hello, Arthur," Merlin greeted him. "You waited for me in my chambers. How did you know that I would come back this evening?"

"I didn't," Arthur admitted. "I just got used to spending my evenings here." Then he walked closer to Merlin and stopped right in front of his face, looking into his eyes. "How did your quest go?" he asked.

Merlin expected to hear that question so he was prepared. "It was enlightening," he said the truth.

Arthur's expression turned from suspicious to hopeful. "So you're ready to reveal your big secrets to me?" Saying that, he tilted his head.

"Almost," Merlin told him truthfully, making Arthur's face fall.

"You're doing it again," the king accused him. "I believed that these secrets would end with your return. You keep going on these small quests and you're so secretive about them. Why can't you just trust me?" Arthur didn't want it to sound so dramatic but he failed miserably.

"I do trust you, Arthur. I told you that before," said Merlin as calmly as the circumstances allowed him. "It's not the matter of trust. I learnt some things during my quest and I need a little bit more time to think them through. I need to decide how to tell them to you gently."

"I'm not a child, Merlin. You don't need to tell me anything gently," murmured Arthur grumpily. "I am ready to hear it, whatever it is."

Merlin only shook his head. "Don't push me into telling it all to you before I'm ready," Merlin asked him. "I don't want to start avoiding you again, Arthur. Don't make me hide from you."

Arthur sighed heavily, defeated. Merlin avoiding him was the last thing he wanted. He was just frustrated because he truly believed that the secrets would end once Merlin came back. He should have known better.

"I'm sorry, Merlin, I won't push you," Arthur promised. "It wasn't my intention to make you feel trapped."

Merlin smiled at him warmly. "That's all right. I understand," he said. "I'm grateful."

The rest of the evening was calm and quiet. They didn't talk much, as Merlin was tired after his quest and Arthur respected that. They just enjoyed the silent company of each other.

oOoOo

Another week went by and Merlin couldn't deny it any longer. Arthur wasn't just acting friendly towards him. There was so much more in the way Arthur treated him these days. His touches could no longer be described as shy. There was an intention hidden behind them. A very obvious intention. If Merlin had any doubts before, now he was certain that Arthur was trying to seduce him. The king had taken him for a picnic twice this week and paid attention to his every move and every word. That was something that Arthur used to do for Gwen when he was courting her.

This very thought made Merlin feel dizzy. He was tempted to give in and let Arthur do to him whatever he wished. However, the part of him that still remained rational, stopped him from acting on his urges. Deep down he knew that it wouldn't be fair. Arthur didn't know how dishonest Merlin was with him, and the king hated being lied to, especially since he trusted Merlin in every aspect of his life. The reveal of the truth was going to be a blow, and Merlin would be the one to deliver this blow very soon.

The evenings with Arthur were becoming longer and longer. The king seemed to always find an excuse to return to his chambers later than the previous day. Merlin adored his company but it was becoming more and more difficult with each day to reject his advances. Merlin started wondering when Arthur had become so persuasive. He started to suspect that it was Arthur's way of convincing him to reveal all his secrets. It seemed that the king had changed his tactic from asking questions to making actions.

At the moment, Arthur leaned dangerously close to Merlin. He felt that he had to do something to stop him from getting any closer.

"My mother will come visit me next week," he said quickly, killing the mood entirelywith the mention of his mother.

Arthur straightened up and cleared his throat. "Do you want me to ask servants to prepare a room for her?" he asked.

"Yes," Merlin confirmed. "The one next to my chambers seems available. It would be perfect for her."

Arthur nodded but he didn't manage to hide his disappointment. Merlin knew what he must have thought. Hunith's visit was going to postpone Arthur's advances.

That was Merlin's attempt at buying himself more time. Besides, he was looking forward to hearing some advicefrom his mother. He was going to kill two birds with one stone.

However, after his mother's visit, he was going to reveal all his secrets to Arthur. He couldn't deceive him any longer. It wasn't fair.

That was decided.