The Heartbeat
Chapter 23
"Shattered"
The moment Hunith saw her son's face, she knew that a lot had changed since her last visit in Camelot. She was certain that it was partially caused by Gwen's death but there was more to it than just that. There was something new.
Hunith was invited to have dinner with the king. It was a cosy meal, as there were only the three of them. She called Arthur by his name as she used to do but he didn't seem to mind it. She had a feeling that he actually liked it. Arthur had to grow up without mother and Hunith believed that she was the closest person to a mother figure that he had ever had in his life.
It was good for Merlin's sake. She had known for years that her son was hopelessly in love with his king. She suspected that she'd known long before Merlin realised it himself.
She remembered very well her last visit to Camelot. She had been moved by Merlin's confession for days. The circumstances were different now but she didn't know what to think. Guinevere was dead and the kingdom wasn't the same. Her death changed both Arthur and Merlin. She could still remember the letter she received from Merlin after Gwen's passing. It was filled with grief and guilt and hopelessness. She wanted to go visit her son right away but Merlin emphasised in his letter that he had to focus on Arthur and that she should wait with the visit she planned. Hunith didn't like it but she understood and respected her son's decision. Arthur was his priority and Merlin had to find his place in these new circumstances on his own.
During the dinner, Arthur was very polite towards her. It felt as if he wanted to make a good impression, which only made Hunith wonder about his intentions. She knew that deep down he was a caring man, but he was also a king and she was only a peasant woman. He had reputation to uphold and impressing an older woman, who wasn't even his subject, should be at the bottom of the list of his priorities.
There could only be one reason for Arthur's actions. He wanted to impress her son in this elliptic way.
It didn't escape her attention how he was looking at Merlin. Arthur thought that he was subtle but he couldn't deceive her. Mothers knew how these things worked.
She couldn't stop thinking about how many things had changed between her son and Arthur during these past few months after Gwen's death. It was obvious to her that these two men were pining for each other. She wondered if Merlin noticed it too, so she couldn't wait to talk to him in private later that evening. She wanted what was best for her son and she was determined to make him happy. The circumstances weren't perfect since she herself was very fond of Gwen, but the thought about her premature death only confirmed Hunith's conviction that Merlin couldn't waste his chance at happiness.
She glanced at her son, who seemed completely unaware of her inner battle. However, it didn't surprise her in the slightest. Merlin had his eyes only for Arthur.
oOoOo
Later that evening, when Merlin and his mother said goodnight to Arthur and left his chambers, Hunith noticed that her son grew more nervous. It was clear that he wanted to tell her something. There was a battle inside his head and she decided to interrupt it.
"We can talk in your chambers," she told him quietly, making his eyes widen.
"I didn't say anything," he murmured hesitantly.
"You didn't have to." She smiled at him reassuringly. "I'm here for you, Merlin."
He nodded understandingly and led her to his room. When they were finally seated in Merlin's comfortable armchairs, he glanced at her nervously, blushing.
"I planned to wait until tomorrow," he murmured eventually. "You must be tired, mother."
"Don't worry about it," she told him quietly. "I wouldn't rest properly until I found out what was troubling you, my son."
Merlin sighed heavily. "Many things have changed since your last visit, mother," he admitted. "I have no clue where to start."
"I'll help you," she offered and asked, "What's changed between you and Arthur? Please note that I won't take nothing for an answer."
His lips quivered in an attempt to smile. "It's definitely not nothing," he admitted. "It's just difficult to describe."
"I saw the way he looked at you today, Merlin. If you ever had any doubts about his feelings, you should be certain of them now," Hunith told him.
"I'm not blind, mother," he replied. "I notice Arthur's glances and I'm flattered by them. In a different life I would be thrilled but here and now... it's just complicated."
Hunith tilted her head and said, "You feel guilty because of what happened to Gwen."
"That's one of the things," Merlin admitted. "There are others."
"Of course there are others," she told him. "There will always be multiple obstacles on your way but you shouldn't be discouraged by them."
Merlin had to close his eyes for a moment in order to calm down. He had many things to explain to his mother and it was just the beginning.
"There are things that I can't change," he finally whispered.
"Then you need to find a way to accept them."
Merlin wished it was so easy but it was the lack of Arthur's acceptance that he feared the most.
"Arthur loved Gwen and I can't just erase that. I saw how her death hurt him. It just can't be described in words." He took a deep breath. "You are right. I feel guilty about what happened to Gwen. I can't get rid of the feeling that there was something I could do to change her fate. Besides... she knew, mother. She knew that I loved Arthur. She told me that she was glad." He could no longer hold his tears so he let them run down his cheeks. "Gwen was so loving and accepting and now she's gone because I wasn't able to find a cure. I was supposed to save her."
Hunith jumped out of her armchair and rushed towards her son in order to hug him tightly. "It's not your fault," she assured him. "Certain things are inevitable."
"There's more," Merlin told her, sobbing. "She asked me to be completely honest with her, and then she asked about how I saved Arthur. I told her about my heart... our heart..."
"You did the right thing, my son."
"Gwen was a clever woman and she guessed how the heart-sharing worked," Merlin continued. "She died thinking that I was Arthur's other half. Not her."
Now Hunith understood the depth of Merlin's guilt. She felt that she had to do something to console him. "I'm sure that she knew that Arthur loved her too," she whispered.
"It's not the same," Merlin argued.
Hunith lifted his chin and made him look into her eyes. "Gwen is in a better place now," she told him firmly. "Perhaps she had her other half too and she's reunited with him now."
Something changed in Merlin's eyes. "What... What do you mean?" he asked.
"Years ago when Gwen was banished from Camelot and lived with me in Ealdor, she told me about the man called Lancelot," Hunith explained. "I know how conflicted she felt about her feelings to him and Arthur."
"Lancelot... He loved her. I'm certain of it. But Gwen... she chose Arthur," Merlin murmured. "There was a time when Lancelot came back to Camelot but she still stayed with Arthur."
"Perhaps she made the wrong choice," Hunith suggested.
Merlin shook his head. "She loved Arthur. I'm sure of that."
"I'm not denying that she loved Arthur but it occurred to me that in the great scheme of things he wasn't the one for her." She sighed lightly. "Sometimes it takes years before we realise that we made the wrong choice. You shouldn't despair, Merlin, because you can't change what happened to her. Instead, you should hope that she's reunited with her true half. Arthur clearly wasn't her soulmate so perhaps it was Lancelot after all."
Merlin knew that she was trying to console him, but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that there might have been something in what she was telling him. He wanted Gwen to find peace and rest in the afterlife. Perhaps she could find love too.
Merlin was surprised that this thought reassured him. Despite all the things Gwen had said to him, he felt guilty that he deprived her of something important. Now he felt a strange wave of relief. Perhaps Arthur had never been Gwen's true half. Perhaps she could be reunited with her soulmate in death.
He knew that he would never find out the truth but he wanted to believe it for Gwen's sake. She deserved something better than premature death.
Then his mother brought him back to Earth. "I assume that these were not your only concerns," she said quietly.
Merlin looked at her and nodded. "Arthur still doesn't know that we share a heart," he murmured.
"Last time we talked about it, you said that you didn't plan to tell him at all," she pointed out, taking a seat once again. Her son calmed down a bit so she could relax too.
Merlin sighed heavily. "I fear I no longer have a choice," he said sadly. "Since your last visit I learnt something that changed my view on this matter completely."
Hunith looked intrigued. "What is it?" she asked.
"By giving Arthur half of my heart, I ensured that he'll live as long as I do," he started his explanation. "I thought it was a perfect solution at the time but now it's become more complicated. I didn't know certain things about myself then. Things that changed everything." He had to pause for a moment to take a breath and control his voice.
"You don't need to tell me if you don't want to," his mother told him. "I'll understand."
Merlin shook his head. "I need to tell you. I want it," he said quietly. "I said it out loud only once, to Gilli, and I was in a terrible state back then." He didn't want to admit how drunk and devastated he was that day but judging by the look on his mother's face, Hunith guessed it on her own.
"We can talk tomorrow if you need more time to think it through," she suggested.
"No," said Merlin firmly. "I need to say it now." Then he looked at her sadly. "Some time ago I found out that apparently I am an immortal being," he spat it out.
"Immortal?" Hunith whispered, shocked.
"Yes, and now Arthur is immortal too, and I don't know how to tell him," he explained.
"And this is your main concerned?" his mother asked him in disbelief. "That Arthur doesn't know?"
"What else should be my concern?" Merlin asked her in return. "He lives for this kingdom and wants to die for it. That's crystal clear to me. And no kingdom can last forever, even if it's ruled by such a wonderful king as Arthur. How is he going to bear the fall of Camelot that he'll have to witness one day?"
"For once in your life you should think about yourself, Merlin," she told him firmly. "You worry about Camelot and Arthur... Did you ever think about yourself being immortal? About what it means to you?"
"I doesn't matter," Merlin replied instantly. "I don't care what happens to me."
"Merlin..." Hunith looked truly worried and he hated himself for doing it to her.
"All I do is for Arthur and you know it," he said in a much quieter voice.
"You do it because you love him and I understand that but you can't forget about yourself." She squeezed his hand. "Do you regret that you saved Arthur?"
The answer was easy. "Of course not."
"To be honest, the concept of immortality is beyond my understanding but I know one thing..." She looked into his eyes. "It must be really lonely to watch everything you knew pass. I would never want that for you, my son, but knowing that you'll share it with someone you love is somehow reassuring. You should be glad that you won't spend eternity alone."
Merlin gasped and started trembling again. "I'm not sure if Arthur wants to spend it with me," he revealed his concern. "I didn't tell him about our heart and then about our immortality. I should have told him about these things long ago. I would have avoided so many lies."
"He will forgive you sooner or later," his mother assured him. "It will be surely hard for him at first but in time he'll understand."
"I was lying to him about my magic for ten years. I was supposed to be honest with him ever since he found out," he said. "I hated lying to him but then I did it again. I am a terrible person."
"You are not," Hunith told him firmly. "You did it all to protect the man you love. You took this burden on yourself to make Arthur's life easier. That was honourable."
"It doesn't change anything. I lied to him about things that concern him directly," said Merlin bitterly.
"I saw the way he looks at you, Merlin. He will forgive you because he loves you too." Saying that, his mother smiled at him reassuringly. "It won't be easy but you'll get through it. I'm sure of it."
Merlin smiled lightly at her too. "I've already decided that I will tell him this week," he said.
"When I'm gone," Hunith guessed.
Merlin nodded, blushing lightly. "I don't want you to witness this," he admitted. "Arthur will surely be mad at me and he may have a problem with holding his temper."
"And you don't want me to scold my future son for his nasty behaviour towards you," she joked.
The blush on Merlin's cheeks deepened. "Mother! He won't be your son. Even if he forgives me, we won't... you know..." He had to bite his lip to refrain himself from babbling. "We're two men," he said as if it could explain everything.
Hunith didn't seem to be affected by Merlin's embarrassment in any way. "If he loves you, he'll be my son too. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks," she said decisively. "I just want you to be happy."
"I need to confess the truth to Arthur first and he needs to forgive me," he murmured. "Then I will be happy."
"I will pray for that, then," she told him and kissed his forehead. "I will retire to my room now but we can talk about it tomorrow too. Remember that I'm here for you, Merlin."
"Thank you, mother," he said and walked her up to the door.
When he was left alone, he sank on his bed and started thinking about all the things his mother told him. She really seemed to believe that Arthur was going to forgive him sooner rather than later. He sighed heavily, wishing that he had so much faith too.
oOoOo
Hunith stayed two more days in Camelot, trying to convince Merlin that everything was going to be all right. Arthur gave them space but Hunith managed to talk to the king in private for a short while. Merlin wished he knew what they were talking about but when he asked his mother she only told him that he shouldn't worry about it. This time her words weren't reassuring at all.
When she finally left Camelot, Merlin was both scared and thrilled. There was nothing else to stop him from telling the truth to Arthur now. All he had to do was to arrange a private meeting and tell him everything in a delicate way. He sighed heavily at this thought, as it was easier said than done.
Merlin decided that the only reasonable place for this confession was his own chamber. He felt safe there and Arthur could leave the room at any time if he felt the need. If the confession took place in the king's chambers, Arthur would have to order Merlin to leave, which could turn awkward and too emotional.
Arthur accepted Merlin's invitation gladly. The warlock tried not to think about the consequences of his decision so he focused on preparing something to eat, even though he knew he wouldn't touch the food himself. He was too nervous to even think about eating.
"Merlin," Arthur greeted him with a secretive smile.
The warlock gulped as he couldn't help noticing that Arthur's hair was glowing beautifully in the candle light.
"Hello, Arthur," he said, glancing at the table to distract himself. "Are you hungry?"
Arthur shook his head, not even looking in the direction of the table. His eyes were completely focused on Merlin.
He walked up to him quickly and put his hands on Merlin's shoulders before his friend could tell anything else. "I've been thinking a lot these past few days," he murmured. "I wasn't certain if it was appropriate but then I decided that I didn't care." He slid his right hand up Merlin's neck and tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear, caressing his skin in the process.
"Arthur..." whispered Merlin and gasped.
"Please tell me it's not only in my mind." Arthur's voice was so pleading and vulnerable that it pained Merlin to hear it. Besides, he needed to reveal the truth first, despite Arthur's words being so tempting. It was the only fair way.
"You wanted me to reveal all my secrets, Arthur, and I'm finally ready," he said, bringing smile to his friend's face.
"It's a great day, then," said Arthur cheerfully.
"I wish," murmured Merlin and laughed nervously. "I think you should sit down, Arthur. What I'm about to tell you may be shocking to you."
"I'll be fine," Arthur assured him, not moving at all towards the chair.
Merlin sighed heavily. Arthur looked so hopeful and Merlin was about to ruin it.
"I need to finally tell you how it's possible that you're still here... how I managed to save you after Camlann," he said as quietly as he could.
"You mean to tell me what exactly happened in Avalon?" asked Arthur, clearly excited by the prospect of learning the whole truth.
"Yes," Merlin confirmed with a heavy heart, "But it's complicated."
"I have time," said Arthur, squeezing his arm.
Merlin smiled nervously. "There's no easy way to say, Arthur, but you were meant to die on that day. The title that I called you sometimes, the Once and Future King, it was a prophecy and a promise. You were meant to die and return one day."
"Return?" Arthur was genuinely surprised. "How? When?"
"I don't know," Merlin admitted. "Certainly thanks to magic but the details were never revealed to me."
"If that's true and I'm still alive... What does that mean? How is that possible?" Arthur kept asking.
"I defied the prophecy, changing our destiny in a way that I couldn't imagine then," Merlin told him. "But I couldn't let you die, Arthur. Not when I found out that there was a slim chance to save you. I had to take a leap of faith. You need to remember that."
"I do. Just tell me what worries you so much," said Arthur.
Merlin nodded at looked Arthur in the eye. "I was told about a very ancient rite. It scared me but it was your only chance," he said. "Just don't panic, please. It sounds crazy but it worked and I'm glad for that."
"Just say it," Arthur encouraged him, smiling.
"Your heart was poisoned, Arthur. It could be cured but it required time and you didn't have it," whispered Merlin.
Arthur touched his chest instinctively. His heart was beating soundly under his palm. That was certain. "But I have a heart," said Arthur, watching him closely.
"You have a heart," Merlin confirmed. "A half of my heart to be more precise."
The king glanced down at his chest and then back at Merlin. "A half of your heart..." he repeated, bewildered. "And you?"
"I have the other half," said Merlin, being grateful that Arthur was taking it better than he thought.
Arthur touched Merlin's chest, not asking him for permission. It was clear that their hearts were beating in the same rhythm. "I had some weird dreams," Arthur admitted suddenly. "I wondered if they could be true but now I think that they were."
"That's possible," whispered Merlin.
"You said those things... I don't remember them well but then you..." he hesitated. "You kissed me?"
Merlin nodded. "I had to seal the pack," Merlin told him. "I had to do this to make your new heart beat again."
"That's why you didn't tell me?" asked Arthur. "Were you scared that I would find about the kiss?"
"It's more than that. I didn't want to make you feel guilty," Merlin explained.
"You should have told me," said Arthur decisively. "I would have understood. A moment ago I thought that you were just going to tell me about the confused feelings you have for me."
"They're not confused," he said quickly. "I know very well how I feel about you... how I've felt for a very long time." His voice was trembling but he didn't care. Arthur had to hear it all. "The heart-sharing rite only helped me fully realise it."
Arthur smiled at him. "I admit that the idea that we share a heart seems weird but it's also reassuring," he said quietly. "I'm glad that the heart is yours. It makes me feel safe."
"You are safe," Merlin told him. "You have no idea how much."
The king frowned slightly. "What does that mean?" he asked.
"The heart-sharing magic didn't just save you from Mordred's blade," Merlin started his explanation. "It bound your life to mine."
"So...?" Arthur wasn't certain if he understood it correctly.
"It means that you're going to live as long as I do," Merlin clarified. "I ama giver and you are a recipient. Not the other way around."
"So if something happens to me, I won't die as long as you're alive," said Arthur.
Merlin nodded to confirm it.
Arthur's smile widened. "But isn't it good?" he asked. "It's true that you'll have to be more careful with your life but at last I won't need to worry that you're careless. I know you will care for your own life since mine depends on it," he said cheerfully. "Besides, neither of us will have to watch the other die. One day we'll leave this world together. It's perfect for me."
Merlin understood Arthur's way of thinking. After Gwen's passing, the king had become extra worried about the prospect of being left alone. The consequences of heart-sharing must have felt as a blessing to him.
He hated himself because he was about to ruin this perfect picture that just formed in Arthur's mind.
"I'm not saying that I'm happy that you were hiding it from me for such a long time and I hope that it won't happen ever again," Arthur continued in excitement. "For a short moment I feared that it was something worse. You really are as pale as death, Merlin. We should do something about it." Saying that, he leaned closer to him and whispered, "We share a heart, Merlin. Our lives are connected. What can stop us now from spending them together?"
Merlin gulped. "There's more," he said, moving away from Arthur, as the king was about to kiss him and he couldn't allow it until he knew the whole truth.
Arthur straightened up. "What is it?" he asked, clearly worried. "Did I read it all wrong? Don't you want this?"
Merlin shook his head, trying to suppress a sob but failing. "I want it with all my heart, Arthur," he assured him. "You should never doubt my feelings towards you."
"Then what's the problem?"
"There is one more thing that comes with our heart-sharing," he whispered. "I didn't know about it when I was saving you in Avalon, but even if I had known, I would have done the same. I hope you will understand it one day and that you will find a way to forgive me."
Arthur was scared by these words. For a moment he thought that everything was finally going to be all right but something that could put Merlin in such a state had to be significant.
"Before I say it, please bear in mind that the rite wouldn't have worked if we weren't two halves," said Merlin. "And afterwards please think about what would you do if you were in my place." Merlin knew that it was a weak line of defence but he had to try it.
"For goodness sake, Merlin, just say it," said Arthur both firmly and pleadingly. It was clear that he was confused and clueless.
Merlin nodded, understanding Arthur's irritation. "As I told you before, Arthur, you were meant to die on that day and come back in the future as the Once and Future King," he said in a trembling voice. "What you don't know is that I was meant to wait for your return for centuries."
"How would you wait for me for centuries?" asked Arthur, even more confused. "People can't live that long."
"You see... The Druids always called me Emrys. Some time ago I found out that this name was a prophecy too." He wanted Arthur to understand it all. It was now or never. "Apparently, Emrys means immortal." Then he looked at Arthur with anticipation, waiting for an outbreak of emotions.
Arthur blinked a few time and asked, "So you're... immortal?"
"We are immortal," Merlin corrected him.
"We are immortal," repeated Arthur and shook his head in disbelief. "That's crazy. How... how long did you know?"
"I'm not sure but certainly over a year. It was shortly after Gaius' death so probably closer to two years than one," he admitted, looking down. "I know that I should have told you earlier but..."
"You certainly should have," mumbled Arthur. "You were hiding it for so long. You were lying to me all this time. How long were you going to keep it a secret? Until all our friends would be dead?" His tone was harsh and merciless.
"You would find it out sooner," murmured Merlin timidly. "You haven't noticed it yet but we stopped ageing."
"So you were going to lie to me until the day I would confront you about it?" he asked.
"I wanted to tell you all this time but there was never an easy way," Merlin attempted to defend himself. "You are devoted to this kingdom and to your people. You were happy when I found out about it and I didn't want to ruin it prematurely."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Arthur asked angrily. "You decided that you knew what was best for me but you had no right. I deserved to know right away. I thought you respected me but instead you kept lying to me about something so important. How can I trust you, Merlin?"
"I did it to protect you," Merlin tried to explain. "I never meant to hurt you."
"But you did," said Arthur coldly. "By lying to me, you hurt me more than the revelation about immortality ever could. I understand why you were hiding your magic from me. It was forbidden back then and you were scared and uncertain. I can even understand why you didn't tell me about the heart-sharing. You must have been embarrassed and confused but this... this information changes my life completely, and yet you decided to keep it from me."
"What would it change if you knew earlier?" asked Merlin before he could bite his tongue.
These words angered Arthur further. "Everything," he said through his teeth. "I came here trusting and hoping that my feelings were reciprocated."
"They are," Merlin assured him hastily.
Arthur snorted. "I doubt it. If they were, you would respect me enough to tell me earlier," he murmured bitterly.
"You know that I did it to protect you. You must know," said Merlin pleadingly. "It was never a matter of trust or respect, Arthur."
"Don't call me that," replied Arthur angrily. "I am your king and you must address me properly."
Merlin gasped at his words. Arthur had never been like this. Not even when Merlin revealed his magic to him.
"Don't go after me. Don't come to my chambers," Arthur continued harshly. "Don't talk to me unless I demand it. Avoid me at all costs. I just don't want to see your face."
"Arthur..."
"I told you to address me properly." He wagged his finger at Merlin warningly.
"My Lord," Merlin corrected himself. "Why don't you just banish me already, if you feel that way?" he asked defiantly.
Arthur looked him in the eye but didn't say anything. He just turned on his heel and rushed out of Merlin's chambers, slamming the door.
Merlin was gaping at the door for a few minutes, naively hoping that Arthur would come back, before he crashed down to the floor, sobbing. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, and it was all his fault.