The Heartbeat
Chapter 24
"Pieces"
All Arthur felt at this moment was anger and disappointment. He knew that the things he said to Merlin were cruel but he believed that he had every right to say them. He wanted to hurt Merlin in the same way he hurt him by telling all these liesand keeping all these secrets.
A rational part of Arthur tried to convince him that he overreacted but he suppressed it instantly. He deserved to know the truth from the very start and Merlin had no right to hide it from him. At least this one thing was certain.
It hurt to be lied to and Arthur hated that feeling. He had to do something to forget about it for a moment. His first thought was to get horribly drunk but he knew it wasn't going to be enough. He needed something stronger and more devastating.
Then another thought crossed his mind. It was insane but there was no one around who could advise him against this idea. Namely, there was no Merlin.
Not being sure what he was doing any longer, he acted on an impulse. He stopped the first servant he came across in the hall and told him to bring a prostitute to his chambers.
The boy was clearly shocked by this demand.
"A... a prostitute, my lord?" he asked in a trembling voice.
"Exactly," said Arthur harshly. "Do it quickly."
The serving boy, who couldn't be older than Merlin when he arrived at Camelot all these years ago, gulped loudly and then nodded obediently. Arthur thought that Merlin would have defied him if he had ever asked him to do such thing, but Arthur didn't want to think about Merlin at the moment. He tried to convince himself that he didn't care what Merlin thought anymore.
"Do you have any requirements concerning her looks, Sire?" the boy asked shyly.
"I don't care how she looks like. Just do it." His tone was final and decisive.
The servant nodded hastily and ran down the stairs. Arthur straightened up and moved towards his chambers with a rigid face. No one was going to stop him from what he was planning to do and he knew it.
"A woman will come here," he said to the guard who was standing next to the entrance to his chambers. "You will let her in."
If the man was surprised by his king's words, he didn't show it. Arthur entered his room and put the handful of coins on the table. At least he had the payment issue settled. Then he walked up to his bed where he sat down. His anger didn't lessen at all. He hoped that the woman was ready for that.
He thought about the last time he had been with a prostitute. He was a young and naïve prince back then. It took place before he met Merlin.
He dismissed the thought about Merlin immediately. He was doing it to forget about him, not to contemplate his former servant's influence on his life.
Arthur had been inexperienced when he decided to have his first tryst with a prostitute. Some of the knights were teasing him about his lack of experience back then. They used to say that he blushed like a maiden every time they mentioned their vigorous adventures with women. They made him believe that he needed to gain the experience, so on one of those days he went to the brothel and returned there several times afterwards. However, he never dared to invite a prostitute to the castle. He didn't want his father to find out about these trysts. Now the circumstances were completely different. He was the king and he could invite whoever he wished to his chambers. There was no need to sneak into a brothel like a criminal.
At this moment he was glad that he couldn't have children. Despite his anger, he was conscious enough to know that he would never want to father a bastard. He remembered too well what happened to Morgana after she found out that Uther was her father. Her anger and thirst for power and vengeance almost destroyed this kingdom.
Then he thought back to the reasons why he stopped visiting brothels. There was Guinevere who was certainly one of the reasons. Nonetheless, he was aware that stopped having trysts with prostitutes long before he realised that he had feelings for her. He wasn't going to lie to himself about that.
Deep down he knew the real reason. Ever since Merlin had become part of his life, he didn't want to disappoint him. It was stupid because at the very beginning of their acquaintance, he found Merlin very annoying. Nevertheless, there was something strange about that boy that Arthur didn't understand back then, and what he now knew was their shared destiny.
Arthur shook his head, once again trying to dismiss all thoughts that concerned Merlin. He was angry with him and he didn't need to feel guilty about what he was about to do. Merlin deserved the punishment. He deserved to feel deceived and cheated.
Then someone knocked on the door. Arthur raised his gaze, suddenly nervous, and hesitated. He still had a chance to call it all off. Then he remembered how Merlin lied to him and his anger doubled.
"Enter," he said firmly, knowing that he wasn't going to back away now.
The woman who came inside had long red curls, plumpy lips, big green eyes and large bosom. Moreover, she was very sensual, as she knew how to move her body to captivate a man. Basically, she was gorgeous.
However, the truth was that Arthur didn't care. She could be clumsy and hideous and he still wouldn't mind. He just needed a distraction to forget about Merlin for a moment.
"You asked for my presence, Sire," the woman purred.
"I did," he confirmed and patted his bed. "Come here."
The woman didn't have to be told twice. She swiftly climbed on his bed and smiled seductively at him.
"What would you like to do, my lord?" she asked, pulling her dress up. It was clear that there was nothing shy or virginal about her. She didn't even try to pretend.
Arthur hesitated. He didn't think it all through. "Your mouth will do," he said after a short moment. He wanted to make Merlin suffer but he couldn't be with another woman in the same way he used to be with Guinevere. He wasn't going to offend her memory in such a way.
"As you wish, Sire," the woman said but she was clearly disappointed. "Perhaps you will change your mind afterwards."
Arthur doubted that but he didn't say it out loud. He just wanted her to do her job.
She slid off his bed down to the floor and knelt right in front of him. Gwen had never done that for him. He always thought that it was something filthy that only prostitutes did, so he never asked her for it. Then, suddenly, he recalled one of the dreams he had recently. In this dream it was Merlin who was pleasuring him in this way. Arthur still remembered how embarrassed he felt when he woke up ans how hard he was. This thought, however, only made him more angry.
"You're tense, my lord," the prostitute pointed out. "You should relax. I'll take care of you."
Then she unfastened his trousers and pulled them down along with his underwear, revealing his manhood. She took it into her hand and started making agonisingly slow strokes. Her touch felt good and skilled but Arthur thought that it was to be expected. After all, she must have had plenty of experience.
After a few slow strokes she leaned forward and licked him teasingly. A moan escaped Arthur's mouth. It was embarrassing but he couldn't help it. He knew that he was just a weak man.
When she kissed his cockhead and then swallowed his manhood, he couldn't care about appropriateness any longer. He let himself forget about Merlin and his own guilt. The woman who was giving him this pleasure didn't matter too. It was just him and the overwhelming feeling ofupcoming orgasm.
Not thinking about what he was doing, he grabbed the woman's hair and started thrusting into her mouth in a punishing pace. He had never been like this before. Not even with other prostitutes. He always wanted women to enjoy sex too, no matter who they were, but this wasn't really sex. It was a merciless fucking, nothing else.
When he finally came with a loud groan, he let go of her hair and fell down on his bed. After a moment, the woman climbed on the bed next to him and sent him an excited smile.
"I never suspected that you could be like this, Sire," she said. There was something curious in the tone of her voice. She didn't seem to be bothered by the roughness of their intercourse at all. It became clear to Arthur that she must have witnessed far worse treatment. For a short moment, a part of him pitied her sincerely.
"The money is on the table. Take it and get out," he said harshly, trying to end this tryst as soon as possible. She was meant to be just a distraction and she did her job well. He had no desire to spend more time with her.
She tilted her head and asked, "Are you sure, my lord? I could wait until you're ready for more."
"I said: get out," he repeated in a much fiercer tone.
This time the prostitute understood that there was no chance for another round. She jumped out of bed, grabbed the coins from the table and rushed out of his chambers, leaving him alone with his thoughts and guilt.
Once she was gone, Arthur started breathing heavily. He felt that there was something wrong. His body was trembling without any reason and his heart was beating painfully. He felt guilty but it was more than just guilt. He tried to close his eyes to calm down but when his lids shut down, all he could see was Merlin.
Merlin who was in severe pain.
oOoOo
When it started, Merlin couldn't believe it. At first he thought that his conscience was playing tricks with his mind. It just couldn't be true that Arthur was with a woman.
But it was.
The pain that he started feeling was severe. It seemed much worse than when Arthur was with Guinevere. Merlin wasn't sure if it felt like this because Gwen was his friend or Arthur's wife or something else, but it didn't matter at the moment. Arthur was with a random woman, probably a prostitute, and he was fucking her. It was a nightmare that he naively hoped he would never have to experience.
Merlin was devastated. The worst part was that he thought that he deserved all that pain and humiliation. He couldn't blame Arthur for what he was doing. He was not able to hate him despite all this suffering. However, he felt hurt both physically and emotionally. It felt as if Arthur was cheating on him, even though they weren't together. This feeling was stronger than his common sense.
Arthur's tryst with this woman couldn't last long but it seemed like an eternity to Merlin. When it was finally over and the vision in his mind faded away, he curled up in the corner of his room, right next to his bed, and hid his face in his hands, sobbing. He felt utterly helpless and he had no idea what to do. The prospect that this situation could be repeated on regular basis in the near future crushed him. For the first time in his life, he was glad that Arthur didn't want to see him any more. He had no idea what he would do or say if he were to see him right this moment.
oOoOo
Arthur had to take a few deep breaths to calm down. The picture of Merlin in pain was still vivid in his memory. The vision started fading eventually but he still felt the piercing pain in his heart, or rather in the half of Merlin's heart that was beating in his chest.
Something was clearly wrong.
The anger that he felt not so long ago lessened significantly. He couldn't forget about Merlin's lies but somehow they didn't seem so important any longer. The only thing that mattered to him was Merlin. Suddenly it became so obvious.
Arthur sat up on his bed and looked around helplessly, wondering what to do. He wanted to run to Merlin to check if he was all right. However, the proud side of him was still fighting. He told Merlin that he didn't want to see him any more. It wouldn't be serious to just rush to his chambers in the middle of the night, especially after such a statement.
Then Arthur scolded himself inwardly for thinking in this way. He could be angry with Merlin but this man was more important to him than his pride. The worst thing that could happen was that he wouldmake a fool of himself and Arthur thought that he could live with that. After all Merlin already knew him inside out.
Not wondering about it any further, he got out of bed hastily and rushed towards Merlin's chambers. The guard who was outside his room sent him a surprised glance but didn't say anything. Luckily, being discreet was part of his job.
Arthur, however, couldn't care less about the guard at the moment. All he could think about was Merlin and his current state. On his way to Merlin's chambers, the king tried to convince himself that he would find him sleeping and that there was nothing to worry about. Nonetheless, his beating heart was sending him a completely different message. It made him think that Merlin was in pain and that it was his responsibility to do something about it.
The way to Merlin's chambers seemed long, even though it wasn't really far from Arthur's rooms. When he finally got there, he needed to stop in front of the door to take a few deep breaths and assess his options once again. When he decided that it was the only way to calm himself down, he pushed the door open, trying not to make it creak in the process.
The room was completely wrapped in darkness but it wasn't the first thing that caught Arthur's attention. There was a quiet but persistent sound coming from the other part of the room and it wasn't snoring. One thing was certain – Merlin wasn't sleeping.
Arthur closed the door behind himself and moved forward. It took him a while to adjust to the darkness but after a moment it became clear that Merlin's bed was empty. Arthur walked past it towards the source of the sound.
"Merlin...?" he asked hesitantly, not being sure what to expect.
The sound that must have been sobbing suddenly stopped. Arthur noticed a movement and in a second Merlin's eyes shone with gold, lighting up a couple of candles. Finally, Arthur could see the state in which Merlin was and it was a pitiful sight.
Arthur tried to come closer to him to examine his state but Merlin shook his head immediately.
"Merlin," murmured Arthur pleadingly. "I'm sorry for what I said to you," he whispered.
Merlin took a deep, loud breath and shook his head once again. "You've taken a girl," he said accusingly.
Arthur was taken aback. "How...? How do you know that?" he asked, not even attempting to defend himself. He wasn't sure if he was more surprised or scared by the fact that Merlin already knew what he had done.
"Why do you care about it, my lord?" asked Merlin bitterly. "You clearly did what you wanted to do."
"That's not true, Merlin," said Arthur hastily, trying to come up to him but Merlin used his magic to stop him from getting any closer.
"I thought you didn't want to see me, Sire," Merlin continued in the same tone. "I'm just trying to ensure it."
"You know very well I didn't really mean it," Arthur told him. "And stop calling me Sire or my lord. That's ridiculous."
"That's what you demanded not so long ago," said Merlin stubbornly.
"Just stop it and tell me how do you know that... that I've been with a woman." It was clear that Arthur was ashamed of himself. He wanted Merlin to see it too and to forgive him what he'd done.
"Do you really want to know it?" whispered Merlin, lifting his head up and looking defiantly at Arthur. "Very well." He touched his own chest and continued, "As you already know, Sire, I gave you half of my heart, and ever since I did that, I can see and feel when you're intimate with other people," he spat it out bitterly and regretted it right away. It wasn't just about the prostitute that Arthur took this night. Most of all, it concerned Guinevere, and Merlin didn't want Arthur to find out about it.
Unfortunately, it was too late for this epiphany.
Arthur was shocked and his face clearly fell. He didn't even notice that Merlin just lifted the spell that was preventing him from getting closer to him.
"What do you... What do you mean that you can see and feel it?" Arthur asked, trying to control his trembling voice. "Answer me."
Merlin turned his gaze away. "I have visions in my head when you are intimate with someone," Merlin admitted. "And I can feel it in my heart."
"Feel how?" the king asked but he feared that he already knew the answer. "Don't lie to me, Merlin. You know how it ends."
Merlin laughed nervously. "I learnt it the hard way," he murmured and glanced shyly at Arthur.
"You felt the pain in your heart, didn't you?" he asked, not wanting to wait any longer.
Merlin nodded silently, giving him the answer he demanded.
Arthur gasped. "Tonight I felt it too," he admitted. "Afterwards."
"Did you feel my pain?" Merlin asked in disbelief.
"I think so," Arthur admitted. "That's why I came here. I hoped that it was just a pang of guilt. I hoped you were all right."
Arthur fell to his knees in front of Merlin, fully realising what it meant. "Did you feel it too when I was with Guinevere?" he asked in a broken voice.
Merlin bit his lip. "Yes, I did," he admitted after a while.
"Oh, gods... You saw it all... You felt the pain all this time and you never said anything."
"Gwen was your wife," said Merlin, feeling the tears running down his cheeks. "What was I supposed to say?"
"I don't know," Arthur admitted, feeling the growing pain in his shattered heart. "But how could you lookat me every day, knowing that I would bring you more pain sooner or later? How did you manage to bear it all?"
"I never thought about it in this way," whispered Merlin. "I accepted it as a part of my new life."
Arthur couldn't believe how lucky he was for having someone as loving and selfless as Merlin in his life. It was a miracle that the man was still standing by his side after everything that happened.
Then something knew occurred to Arthur. "Beside this night I never felt this pain before," he said suddenly.
"Gwen was your wife. The pain I felt tonight was different than what I felt before. Perhaps that's why you didn't feel it when you were with her," he tried to guess.
"That's not what I meant," said Arthur. "I never felt the pain caused by your intimacy with another."
"Oh... That's because there was no intimacy," Merlin admitted, blushing.
"There was a time when I thought that you and Gilli were like this," Arthur told him. "I was so jealous."
"Gilli was always just a friend. I would never do this," Merlin assured him.
"That's not what worries me," said Arthur firmly, trying to catch Merlin's eyes. "You were restraining yourself from intimacy for my sake. You didn't want to hurt me."
"That's not just it." Merlin grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "It was my choice. I didn't want another. There was Freya once, I told you about her, but ever since then there was only you I wanted. It wasn't a hardship to avoid intimacy."
Arthur started sobbing too. "I treated you like a dirt last evening," he whispered. "I thought that you couldn't really return my feelings because you were lying to me for so long but there was so much more to it than these lies..."
"Now you know," Merlin told him. "I lied to you and I'm not proud of it but I love you, Arthur. I gave you half of my heart for a chance of keeping you by my side."
"And now we're both immortal," murmured Arthur.
Hearing that, Merlin moved his hand away from him but Arthur grabbed him instantly and pulled him closer.
"I didn't mean it as something bad," he assured him. "I mean... Immortality is hard to comprehend and I no longer know what to do with my life but I'm glad I'll get to spend it with you of all people."
At these words Merlin started shaking. It was just too much. He wanted to hear it ever since he found out about their immortality but he feared that it was a lost cause.
"Did I say something wrong?" Arthur asked him with worry.
Merlin shook his head. "I feared you weren't going to spend it with me," he admitted timidly. "I don't deserve you."
"Idiot," murmured Arthur affectionately. "It's me who doesn't deserve you."
At this point they both were shaking, kneeling on the floor, and not knowing what to do.
"We're both idiots," said Merlin eventually. "We should do something about it."
"I would like to ask you for forgiveness first," Arthur told him.
"There's really nothing to forgive," Merlin assured him.
"I hurt you, Merlin." Arthur sounded extremely serious. "The worst part is that I wanted to hurt you by inviting this woman to my chambers."
"Please, don't tell me about her," Merlin asked him hastily.
"You're right. I'm sorry." Arthur sighed heavily. "I just want you to know that when I'm mad, I do things I regret soon after."
"We all do this," Merlin murmured.
"I know... I just want you to understand that I'm no saint and that I need your forgiveness," he explained.
"I need your forgiveness too," Merlin whispered, looking him deep in the eye.
Arthur smiled at him. "I thought you already knew you had it," he said.
Merlin smiled back at him through his tears. "Likewise," he whispered.
Arthur moved forward and took Merlin in his arms, resting his head next to Merlin's and sniffing his scent. "I spent last few years dreaming about you, fearing what it truly meant," he whispered. "I fear no longer."
"I spent these years believing that it could never be... That you were my other half but I wasn't yours," Merlin whispered back.
Arthur moved his head back to look at Merlin's face. "We truly are idiots, aren't we?" he said.
"You're more of a prat," Merlin teased him, smiling. "But you're my prat."
They stared into each other's eyes for a few agonising moments before Arthur leaned inhesitantly and captured Merlin's lips with his own. The kiss was slow and careful at first because Arthur wasn't certain of Merlin's reaction after what happened earlier that night. He said he forgave him but Arthur slept with another and it could be too soon for such moves. Merlin, however, didn't seem to share Arthur's worries, as he grabbed his neck and pulled Arthur closer, deepening their kiss.
It was truly glorious. Their hearts were beating pleasantly in their chests, making them both blissfully content for the first time in a very long time.
It wasn't their first kiss but it certainly felt as such. Finally, they both could wholly feel and experience it. Arthur was practically dead during their kiss in Avalon and his dreams were quite fuzzy. Merlin's memories of that moment weren't clear either. There were much more pressing matters in Avalon and he couldn't allow himself to waste energy on keeping these memories back then. Arthur's life was at stake after all.
They pulled apart far too early for their liking but they needed to take a breath. They breathed heavily for a few seconds before their lips met in another kiss. It was too desperate to be truly perfect but they didn't care. For them the kiss was perfect in its imperfection.
"Are you crying?" Arthur murmured suddenly against Merlin's skin. He just felt something wet and salty against his lips.
Merlin pulled away for a moment. "You do this to me, prat," he whispered affectionately. He was about to wipe the tears away but Arthur grabbed his hand before he managed to do this.
"I wasn't complaining," Arthur assured him and pulled him into another kiss, this time slower and deeper.
Merlin melted under his tight grip. Most of the time, he enjoyed challenging Arthur in every aspect of his life. He had a feeling that Arthur enjoyed it too but this time he thought he was going to let him stay in charge without a fight. Arthur definitely knew what he was doing and Merlin was happy to obey.
The next time Arthur pulled away to take a breath, Merlin put his forehead against Arthur's, enjoying the warmth of his breath on his own skin.
"I think we should stop at this point," whispered Arthur.
At these words Merlin's heart fluttered with worry. "Don't you want to continue?" he dared to ask.
Arthur moved a bit backwards to look him in the eye. "Of course I want all of this," he said. "But I fear I won't be able to stop myself if we keep this pace."
"You don't have to stop yourself," Merlin assured him quickly. "I want it too."
Arthur tensed a bit and smiled nervously. "I can't do this tonight. Not after what I did with that woman," he explained.
Merlin's expression pained slightly. "I don't want to remember that," he said. "You did it and there's no way to reverse that. I only care that you're here with me now and that you forgave me."
"What I did was a betrayal and I feel filthy right now," Arthur admitted sheepishly. "I won't stain you like this."
"I betrayed your trust first," Merlin pointed out. "We can assume we're even."
Arthur shook his head violently. "That's something completely different," he said hastily. "I betrayed our heart and I knew it right away.
Merlin sighed heavily. "You're too noble about it," he murmured but couldn't help smiling at him. "I just want to be wholly yours."
"You are," Arthur told him firmly. "I want to make love to you, Merlin, but I can't do it after what I've done earlier. Not tonight. We waited so long for each other. We can wait some more to do it in the right way."
Merlin nodded. They had eternity to do everything they wanted. There was no rush.
"Will you at least do me the honour of sleeping by my side tonight?" he asked. "I don't want to wake up in the morning fearing that it all was just a dream and that you don't want to see me ever again."
"You do realise that I never really meant it, don't you?" Arthur asked, standing up and helping Merlin get up too. "I wouldn't be able to avoid you forever. I wouldn't want that."
"It felt as if you meant every word back then," said Merlin honestly. "I'm glad that you didn't."
Arthur pulled him a bit closer and put a chaste kiss on his lips. When they parted, Merlin looked at him hopefully and repeated his question, "Will you stay?"
"Always."
They lay down in Merlin's bed, completely clothed, and fell asleep innocently in each other's arms. Merlin didn't remember ever feeling this safe and good. He hoped that since that day he would spend all his nights falling asleep in Arthur's strong embrace.