Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on titan, nor do I own the characters.
Blood. Death. Helpless. Screams.
The perfect words to describe whatever was going on in the raven's mind. Unwanted flashbacks seemed to be circulating her mind, torturing her mentally. Her breathing became heavier as each fragment of that unknown torturous memory flashed into her dreams. Dreams that soon became nightmares. She wished to see that memory as a whole instead of bits and pieces of some sort of shattered memory puzzle, but it seemed that her brain had decided to block out the last few pieces of the puzzle, or was it her broken and pained heart that refused to remember?
She didn't know why she couldn't remember what had happened before darkness took over her vision. She didn't know how she became blind. She didn't believe that everyone didn't know how as well. All she remembered was her taking off for the war, taking down some titans... and then every other pieces of her memory of what had happened after were scattered into demolished, tormenting fragments that haunted the poor and pitiful girl every chance that it had.
Recurring nightmares were provable evidence that the word 'tormenting' wasn't too far off of what was happening in her mind. Especially when her caliginous thoughts seemed to mix with her poignant and distressing memories.
'They're all liars, I know they know something.' She thought to herself silently.
Bodies were ripped into shreds.
'Why are they hiding something from me?'
People were brutally consumed by the army of titans.
'Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?'
And in a second, something far worst consumed her.
'WHY MUST IT BE ME?' her aching mind shrieked.
"Mikasa? Mikasa??" the familiar warmth filled melody rang through her ears, releasing her from the chamber of sorrow and torture that had caged her.
The brunette continually nudged her worriedly until the raven sat up slowly. "W-What happened?" Mikasa questioned softly, wincing in pain. Seems that mental torture can affect her physically as well.
"You were… sweating in your sleep. Your body was shaking as well…" Eren spoke, his eyes averting away from hers, unable to face her.
"Oh... it's just… the nightmares." Mikasa chuckled lightly in hope to liven the mood since she sensed a similar tension she had felt before from the brunette. A tension that could even send shivers down her spine. "It's only been a day after all...since this. But I'll be fine sooner or later." Mikasa smiled in hope of reassuring Eren.
Yet, Eren only bit his lip when he glanced up and noticed the smile that formed on her lips, which original intention was to reassure him. Except, what Mikasa didn't know was that her smile seemed more forced rather than reassuring—that smile was anything but reassuring. That smile had seemed to bother Eren, as that smile brought back a familiarity of emotions that burdened his shoulders.
That smile she wore, was the same smile she had that day.
"She's awake!"
"Shh! Don't frighten her!"
"Is she alright?"
"Mikasa? Mikasa?"
Worried and concerned voices could only be heard echoing around in that room. The room where Mikasa had been unconscious for the past week. Only one person remained silent, observing the raven carefully with a fearful look painted on his face. And that was Eren.
"…Huh..?" Mikasa mumbled softly to herself when hearing those voices, before sitting up immediately with an anxious expression. "Where am I? What happened? Is everyone alright? Where's—"
"Calm down, Mikasa. The war's over. Everything's peaceful as of now." Armin spoke, cutting her off as Eren gripped her hand tighter, but in a caring matter.
"I'm here, we're here..." Eren comforted in a relieved and soothing tone.
"Damn it Mikasa! You had us worried!" Sasha and Connie exclaimed in sync as Jean scratched the back of his head, sighing in relief as a smile crept up on his face, "Glad you're awake..." he spoke finally.
Almost everyone who was Mikasa's friends or close acquaintance was coincidentally there, except some others who Armin had then said to be busy.
As the relieved words continued flooding out of everyone's mouth, Mikasa's expression only remained… odd. She didn't seem happy, relieved or whatsoever emotion that associated with positivity. Rather, she looked…troubled.
"What's wrong…?" Eren questioned, observing her odd behaviour which seemed to have put an end to Eren's relief, and soon, everyone else's as well.
"I…Is the light on?" Mikasa asked, as an obvious gulp went down her throat uneasily.
"What do you mean? It's broad daylight!" Connie said, not knowing the circumstances of whatever was running through the raven's brain, as the raven's expression only became worse.
"I-I…" She took a deep breath. "I can't see anything… all I see is... darkness." She spoke, sensing the atmosphere around her suddenly tensing.
"Hey... Hey Mikasa... now's not the time to joke." Jean spoke, his voice lacking any tranquillity at all.
"I don't think she's lying… her eyes look... a little more lifeless than before..." Armin whispered.
Unhesitatingly, Eren stood up, "It can't be..." Eren murmured in shock, standing up, taking a few steps back.
"Eren don't—"The blonde got cut off as he sprinted out of the room, searching for help from any professionals nearby.
Mikasa only remained silent, trying her best to comprehend what had just happened. "How..?" she uttered quietly, her voice shaking as tears soon dripped from her eyes. She seemed to be 'breaking', or rather, she was already shattered. "Mikasa… deep breathes. Eren's getting help..." Armin mumbled, trying his best to maintain his composure as he gripped her hand in comfort, in replacement of Eren's. His hand was quivering though, and Mikasa felt that. He was trying to be strong. Everyone in the room was, though soft, she could hear faint sobs from them, thank goodness she couldn't see the expressions that they were making, if she could it'd probably wreck her even more. "I'm fine... don't worry..." She said her tone reassuring as she inhaled in the air shakily, already knowing that 'fine' was the last thing she felt.
After a few moments, she was then brought to Hanji's office for some tests, Eren obviously following along since he was the one who rushed Hanji over. Whereas, Armin and the others stayed behind, knowing to give privacy to the one who was probably suffering the most inside, Eren.
"The nurses told me you had severe injuries when you were recovered, surprised to see you awake this fast, then again you are an Ackerman..." Hanji mumbled as she helped her to sit down, Eren sitting next to her. After examining her eyes, she started asking some questions. "Do you remember what happened?" Hanji questioned.
Mikasa had seemed to flinch at her question, wincing slightly as flashbacks tore through her mind, causing the raven's heavy breathing to arrive again, causing Eren to shoot Hanji a menacing glare of warning or most likely a threat towards the other brunette. "Sorry. Shouldn't have brought it up." She said adjusting her tone to a firmer one than before. "In that case... I'm not that sure what caused it… but you're blindness was either caused by your head hitting hard on the ground or trauma…" Hanji sighed. "Either way, I'll do some further testing. Eren, I would need you to leave. Although she can't see, you're emitting some... disturbing tension that even I could sense and I'm sure it would be bother—"
"You must be joking if you think—"
"Eren." Mikasa cut into their conversation, finally talking ever since she entered the room wearing a sullen looking expression which seemed to have changed to a serious one as she turned towards the direction where she heard Eren's voice which was on the edge of becoming a yell.
"Hanji's doing her best..." she started off, sounding as strong as she could. She had to be strong. If she was a crying emotional mess, it'd only affect the others who she assumed were still silently crying in the other room. "I'm... fine." Mikasa spoke, with that painful, forced reassuring smile. "Just do as she says, please." She pleaded.
Biting his lips, he turned around making his way towards the door. "Come back in 2 hours." Hanji spoke before Eren left the room, closing the door on his way out.
"It's alright now, Mikasa. He's gone. You don't have to put on that façade of being strong in here." Hanji sighed as the raven's tears started coursing down her cheeks again. "It hurts..." Mikasa cried softly. "I know sweetheart, I know..." Hanji spoke pulling her into a reassuring hug. "But I know you'll be just fine, you're a strong person. That's something I'm definitely certain of."
Though the two barely knew one another, Hanji knew she needed comfort and someone to seek solace to right now, and this was what she could offer. Moreover it wasn't that awkward, since she seemed to resemble a certain someone she knew closely.
"Tsk..." A certain male eavesdropper clicked his tongue, who was standing outside the room long enough to hear their conversation before leaving in utter rage, back into the room where the others were, still gathered, still left in dread.
"Is she okay?" Jean asked almost immediately in worry when the brunette had entered the room.
"She's…doing some tests for now... and I have to tell all of you something…" Eren grumbled miserably as he looked up from the ground to see everyone's eyes fixed on him which added pressure to the male. "I have something to speak of as well." Armin spoke out, in an unusually grim tone. Just a moment ago he was in tears with the others and it was odd to see him change expressions that quick.
Then again, everything's different.
Everybody's changed.
Eren looked up at the blonde, he was as unsure as everybody else on what the blonde had to say in such a stoic tone, and to be frank that terrified them.
"And I'm sure it's going to be similar to what Eren was going to say..." He took a deep breath.
"About…Mikasa…"
"Eren? Eren? Eren?" Mikasa's worried voice resonated into the brunette's ears when he went silent for too far long, dragging him back to what he dreaded to be reality.
"Ah! Sorry! I was spacing out and—"
Before he could've completed his sentence, the door was kicked open by a certain someone whose face was able to frustrate Eren within a second due to the sudden and rude interruption.
"Oi! You can't just kick the damn door—"
"Shut up idiot! You're late and everyone's wait—"
"Jean? Is that you..?" Mikasa spoke softly turning towards the direction where she heard his yelling.
"Wait… Mikasa you're here and with Ere— Oi. You piece of shit..." Jean cursed as he glared daggers at Eren, clenching his fist while Eren cursed under his breath. "Excuse me— "
"Eren. Jean." Mikasa said, cutting into their argument. "Can we just go and not argue for once?" Mikasa sighed helplessly, being obvious that she didn't had the motivation nor power to even stop them physically, by dragging Eren out of the situation like back then.
"You heard her… and sorry." Jean apologized before leaving. He didn't want to stand there any longer. He knew his place, and like almost everyone else, he couldn't bare seeing Mikasa like that, without breaking pitifully.
Sighing, Eren helped Mikasa up. "Let's go." Eren smiled before cautiously leading her out into the open field.
Once they've arrived at the field where everyone else was, they had assume Levi was going to give them some sort of a reprimand since that was what all the other meetings with him were. Either that or it was for purposes like scheming and plotting gruesome things.
To their shock, it wasn't a reprimand, schemes or a long monotonous lecture. It was a thanks.
"Thank you." The male raven started, causing some gasps from the crowd which only caused him to grunt, and Hanji to chuckle. "You guys being in a squad with me was a huge pain in the ass but… it was indeed memorable and..."
"And Levi here can't express himself so—"Hanji cut in before being silenced by a punch from Levi, causing Hanji to fall back dramatically—also too dramatically, which seemed to cause some snickering.
"Tch. You brats get what I mean. With the war over... you brats are free from the survey corps, go and start your own life or whatever and treasure every moment of your freedom." He spoke, eying at Armin and Eren especially, as he continued, "I just wanted to thank of all of you." Levi spoke sighing. "You brats have really grown, you're what? 19? 20? Now... hm... but still as bratty as ever." He chuckled lightly which again, caused some gasps in the crowd. Rolling his eyes, his stern expression returned before dismissing them, except for one.
"Mikasa." He called. "I want to speak to you for a moment." Levi said, noticing the brunette's suspicious expression as he led Mikasa over. "Alone. And don't worry brat, I won't say anything shitty, just an Ackerman talk." Levi added which reassured Eren who still had full trust for his formal captain, nodding and handed over Mikasa to his care before Levi led her somewhere not far away to sit down and have a chat.
"What is it? Capt—"
"No need for formalities." Levi cut in, but she still continued. "Captain Shortass." She joked, cracking a small smile which Levi seemed to have returned, seeing that even in her situation, she could crack a real smile every once in a while. "Damn you.. gloomy brat..." Levi sighed. "I just wanted to check on you, as gloomy and irritable you are, I still consider you as both a comrade and friend worth my trust. At that, is everything alright since... your sight has been—"
"I've been doing fine." Mikasa interrupted. "But…I do have a question." She said, her head facing down, while Levi stared out at the sky. "And what specifically is it?" Levi questioned as his focus soon turned towards Mikasa. "It's about…them…and this." She muttered, pointing at her eyes before she slowly looked up towards the direction of his voice, though she didn't lift her head up that high enough to even face Levi's face, considering Mikasa still saw him as short, due to his height and such. But he took no offence. Despite wanting to bring it up that he wasn't that short, he knew it wasn't time to have their usual squabbles.
"Go on." He said, voice gentle, knowing she was still hurt on the inside. It had only been a day since she woken up to this tragedy, and despite the fact she looked perfectly fine, she wasn't fooling him.
Eren was leaning against a tree, watching the two Ackermans having some sort of pep talk, and it sure caught him in a surprise that they weren't having any squabbles or whatsoever, and what especially astounded him was when he noticed the two having calm expressions as they exchange words of some importance, or so it had seemed.
"Eren." Armin called as he gripped Eren's shoulder, causing Eren to tense as the blonde had caught him off guard.
"Armin..." Eren muttered with a tone hinting unwillingness to even hold a proper conversation with him. "I know what you're going to say and—"
"If you knew what I was going to say for this long, why haven't you came up with a proper answer?" Armin snapped, which again caught the brunette off guard.
For almost a year or two, their friendship had been unsteady due to their different opinions during then and a change or rather, an evolvement of both of their personalities, especially Armin's who had learnt to stand up more often and Eren who matured, not the reckless and rude boy he once was. But that aspect of him would still linger in him and come up every now and then.
"And it's not about that… kind of." Armin started as he ran his hand through his hair, seemingly stressed. "We both don't have much time left right? Especially you. With that amount of time left, can we at least make her happy?" Eren only crossed his arms, clicking his tongue in response. "What do you mean by that?" Eren asked, his voice sharp, wary of Armin, not wanting to fall for his manipulative trap if he was plotting one.
"That we both stop acting like this and… you start being more honest towards her."
"Armin. How many—"
"I don't mean that issue. I meant, your feelings." At those words, it was enough to cause the brunette's eyes to widen. "What are you—"
"You're the only one who can make her happy."
Hearing that sentence was enough to leave the brunette stunned. He didn't know how to respond to that. Though the war was over, he was still a huge mess inside, especially with whatsoever emotions Armin was hinting at. Turning to face Armin, he bit his lip as his emerald orbs soon met his ocean ones, which was clearly expressing the same curiosity he remembered he had back then when they both wanted to explore the outside world. A ravenous curiosity that could devour anyone, and especially him right now too.
"I can't make her happy." Eren blurted out after hesitating for quite a while, assuming he'd be free of Armin's ravenous aura for answers when he fed him an answer. But boy, was he wrong. He knew he was wrong when he felt that very aura still clawing at him, clutching tighter onto him.
Chaining him mentally, refusing to let him out of that situation he was currently in.
"You can't keep running away, Eren. What's the truth?" The blonde demanded, cornering the brunette.