Chapter 4

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He couldn't take it anymore. He hated feeling weak, not knowing what anyone was saying, only getting the doctor to tell him more bad news. He had had it. He was willing to just pull the plug on everything he was hooked up too and let fate run its course.

Opening his eyes he froze and stared at the man he loved. Watching as he stood there with wide eyes Viktor felt Yuri grab his hands. He was the only reason he was trying, the reason he was still here.

"Viktor…"

Gently pulling his hand closer he got his whole body to come closer. "Did I scare you?"

"Are you alright? Having a bad dream?"

"Maybe." Not wanting to tell him the truth Viktor had him sit on the bed. "I want to go home."

"I know you do." The doctor wouldn't let him go home until after the surgery but that meant weeks of recovery time.

"Yuri."

"Forget it Viktor. I am not going back without you. I would hate being alone out there as it is and you are already depressed enough from being stuck in bed I can only imagine what my not being here would do to you."

"It's just. The Olympics are over. Makkachin needs to be picked up. I don't when they will get me in for surgery and we both know I will be trapped here for weeks as I heal. Look. I get why you want to stay but it's not logical. We have a life to get back to in Russia."

"Yurio has Makkachin. You know this. He told you this the other week before he left. I asked Yakov to send me the phone numbers of all the bills we have and I put some on hold and paid what I had to. I don't mind staying here until we can go home together."

"I know the account you use is running low though and I can't transfer money from here." He had tried to do so the other week when Yuri told him about the money issue he was facing. Right now the hotel he was staying at was on their credit card but they still had bills that had to be paid. "Don't be stupid and go home! Us going back together will never happen and you know it! You are waiting around for things that will never happen! I am going to die under that knife!" Watching Yuri recoil back Viktor bit his tongue and stopped. What did he just do? "Yuri…" Hearing him say nothing he saw him step back and walk out of the room. Shit. "Yuri!"

That was it. He had it here. He needed to run after his fiancée and apologize and he couldn't. He couldn't do anything. He was tired of being a burden to everyone. This wasn't who he was at all. Using all his willpower he got his hands to move the covers that did nothing for him anyway as he was still always freezing. Carefully getting his legs down off the bed he knew his body could do this. Even in it weaker state he was stronger than this. Holding the pole that held all of his IV's he held on tightly to it and stood up. He needed to apologize to Yuri. He needed to show everyone he was strong enough to go home. Feeling the pull of wires on his chest he took his right hand off the pole and ripped them off. He was tired of them always stopping him from doing anything. He didn't want to rely on them to keep him alive, this was no life. Taking it one step at a time, keeping Yuri at the focus of his mind, he headed to the door. Just getting to the frame he saw nurses come running into the room. Feeling his chest start to hurt he struggled against them to let him go. He had to get to Yuri, he had to apologize, he…he would do anything.

"Please…" As his eyes started to fill with tears from the pain in his chest and from being brought back to bed he tried to get them to understand.

"Viktor!" At that voice he managed to look over a nurse's shoulder and saw he had run in terrified to find the worst. "What are you doing? What is going on?"

"Yuri!" Stopping as the pain became too much he could feel his body unable to keep its strength. His heart wasn't strong enough for this. Trying to keep his eyes open he knew his body was shutting down. Was this from the nurses or from himself, before he could ask that question his eyes shut.

Coming to, Viktor felt a hand in his. That hand was shaking. Trying to adjust himself in the bed he felt the wires back on his chest. Going to sit up he stopped and felt his body want to panic as he couldn't move.

"It's alright Viktor, calm down. Relax. Please."

Looking up he saw Yuri watching him, their hands were laced together.

"Yuri. You are shaking." Feeling his hands still shaking from the other he went to try and sit up, possibly hold him, do something to help him stop only to notice he couldn't.

"The doctor told the nurses to restrain you. So you don't try to do that again. What were you thinking? I mean. You aren't well and they are trying to help you and you decide to just leave. Talk to me Viktor. What is going on with you?"

"I just…I felt bad that you walked out after I upset you. I love you and I just feel like I'm tying you down Yuri. You have a life you should be living"

"So you decided that killing yourself was a good idea?! I don't want to lose you Viktor! I…"Watching as the man he loved broke down and cried on his hands he realized what he had been doing to him. He felt awful for this and he hated that he could do nothing for him. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? I go down the hall to give us both space and the next thing I know they are paging for a code red because you stopped being read on the monitors. I thought your heart gave out. I feared…I don't…you can't…" With each fallen tear Viktor only felt worse. He never meant to do any of this to him.

Wishing he could hold him, Viktor took a breath and tried to do the next best thing. He could explain himself, he could apologize.

"Yuri…I know it's asking a lot but please, please forgive me. I know it's just words but I feel awful for making you worry. I never meant to do that to you. I just…I needed to go after you. I wanted to apologize for what I said. I wanted to show that I am not as weak as they say. I never in a million years would make you worry about me so much. That was never my intention." Seeing him nod and wipe his eyes a bit their eyes met for a moment. "I love you Yuri. With all my heart. You're the only reason I am still here. I know I wouldn't have fought so much if I didn't have you."

"I love you too. Promise me you won't try that again."

"You have my word." Tugging their hands the best he could he got Yuri on his feet to lean over and kiss him. It was an awkward kiss because of everything he was hooked up to but it was still a kiss.

Staying silent for a bit they just sat together, their hands being held. A nurse came in, checked on him, changed things, told him food would be here shortly, and let them alone. Being tied to the bed wasn't fun at all and only made getting comfortable even harder. Sadly, the nurse said she wasn't allowed to do anything until the doctor gave the okay. He wasn't some crazed psycho he was just a man at the end of his rope from being stuck in a room all day.

"Did they tell you what caused my chest to hurt so much?" Asking, he saw Yuri come out of his own mind and watch him.

"Oh. Yea. They said it was angina. I looked into a bit and it told me it's when there is reduced blood flow to the heart."

"Not a heart attack?"

Seeing the man he loved smile and kiss their hands he heard, "No. Not a heart attack."

Getting dinner was laughable. Yea it was here but he was still tied so it wasn't like he could eat it. The nurse was going to undo it but Yuri had to butt in and say he could just feed him. Did he not trust him then? Still, he was going to think of it as good excuse to be romantic. Opening his mouth he made Yuri to smile as he was fed. He may be really sick, he may die at any moment if he wasn't careful but just spending this time with the one hecloved, the one that stayed by his side was worth fighting for.

Waking up to the nurse doing her thing he realized he felt even worse than he did before. Yesterday couldn't have hurt him this much could it? Yawning, he let her finish up than shut his eyes for the rest of the night. Perhaps he just felt bad from waking up early. Feeling sun in his face he wasn't up long before he heard talking coming towards his room. Seeing Yuri talking to the doctor he frowned as he saw Yuri just stop.

"Viktor…you look horrible."

"I feel pretty crappy too." Struggling to get comfortable he watched as Yuri came over and took his hand before kissing his forehead.

"You look pale." Not saying anything he saw the doctor going over his reading from the night and at this moment. Reading a look that said he wasn't too happy with things right now Viktor waited for the more bad news. Every time he saw a doctor he got bad news.

"Do you feel any pressure around your heart, any rapid beating?"

"No. I am just really tired and I feel even weaker than I did before." He knew this wasn't good. The goal was to get stronger for surgery not weaker. At this rate he would never go home. Sitting up, the doctor undid what he was tied to and sat patiently while he did what he had to too figure out what was going on.

"I am going to have you go for a transesophageal echocardiogram, I will be sticking a transducer on a tube that will go down the digestive tract to get a better look of what is going on. Not even mentioning that stunt you pulled yesterday you shouldn't be in the shape you are in right now. Are you having trouble breathing too?"

Not really paying attention to what his lungs were doing he took a second to hone in on his body. Realizing his lungs weren't taking full breaths and he felt like he was wheezing he nodded.

"You may have a fluid buildup. If you do, a simple procedure will remove it. But I really need to figure out what is causing this. The way you are now though I can't sedate you. Your heart won't survive the strain. And I won't sugar coat it for you Viktor if I do any surgery on you it will be an open heart which can lead to a heart attack."

"And the chances of it happening while I am under?"

"Would be high."

"But, we don't know what the issue is yet right? I mean there is still a chance he won't need it." Hearing Yuri's optimism Viktor stroked the back of his fiancées hand.

"Can you give us a minute doctor? I just want to discuss everything with Yuri."

"Of course. I'll get you checked in for the test." Being left alone he had Yuri sit on the bed with him.

"You will be fine Viktor. I know you will."

Not saying a word he just continued to stroke the hand he held.

"I refuse to let you go Viktor. I love you and I know you will overcome this."

"Remember when you were hurt and you lost all hope of ever having a future with me? We used to fight all the time about it. You knew you needed surgery and the risk of being paralyzed was so great for you that you asked if I would still love you."

"Of course I do but this is much greater than that. I know what the stakes are for you Viktor. But, look at me. I want you to know something. No matter happens I will always love you do you understand me."

"And I'll always love you. Yuri. My point is that the doctor and I both realized something before. There is a good chance I will die. I…I accept that as my fate but know that doesn't mean I give up. I love you. I want to see you walk down the aisle to me and be my husband. I want you to have a life of happiness with me. I…I want you to know that I love you. And, how scared I am." Unable to keep it together as he saw their joined hands, the ring on his fiancées finger, saw what they wanted out of this life he dropped his walls and let himself cry.

Being pulled as close as he could to the one he loved, they both cried on each other. For the first time since the Olympics they let the other know just how scared they were.

"I keep fighting because I have you in my life Yuri."

The crying, the fear, the stress of the future did nothing for him but he felt better telling Yuri the truth. As he was taken down the hall for this test to check for fluid around his heart he kept Yuri on the front of his mind. He wanted to show death and his fear that while he was scared of it he wasn't ready to give into it.

Coming back to the room he had good news, which was no fluid, and bad news, his heart was just having trouble functioning on its own. But, after talking to the doctor they were going to schedule him for surgery. The test showed he needed open heart surgery but the doctor made a deal with him. If he could get his numbers in a safe range in the next few days and keep them there he would transport him to a Russian hospital near their home. He would do it. He had to, for both him and Yuri, he had to get them home. Telling Yuri all of this he saw his love pale but smile.

Keeping Yuri's hand in his, they smiled at each other as they traveled to the airport. He didn't want to tell Yuri this but the doctor signed off on him even thinking about going home because he knew that if he passed away Yuri would have to try to get his body back to Russia. He would be grief stricken and alone in this country, it wouldn't be fair to him. Once he was settled there he was going to take care of the financial end of things so Yuri would be well off. He didn't want him to think it was his way of saying goodbye but he just didn't want Yuri to have to worry about money if recovery took longer.

Sleeping most of the flight he wasn't happy to wake up in the hospital but he was happy to see Yurio and Yakov again. Checking up with them and speaking his native tongue was so nice.

"The surgery is tomorrow?"

"Yes, I can't really go much longer without it. My heart is struggling to keep me going so before I really get too weak for it." Answering Yakov's question he kept Yuri close. He looked happy to be back. It would be nice to know that he would get to sleep in their bed tonight with Makkachin instead of the bed at the hotel. He had taken care of what he said he would, though the simple process to get money to Yuri was a struggle. He had to call them while Yuri was at the bank and have a doctor's note faxed over saying he was bed ridden and unable to sign Yuri onto the account in person. Just knowing it was taken care of though was a huge relief. Yuri hadn't told him how strapped for cash he was until after they left South Korea. Once they got to this hospital he wanted him to go home and do food shopping and what not just so he wouldn't be cooped up here. It was then that he heard Yuri ask Yakov if he could borrow some money and would pay him right back in a day or two. Once he was feeling better they were going to have a serious talk about that. He didn't care that he asked Yakov for help he was mad that Yuri thought it was better to starve himself than ask for a money transfer. He wasn't hiding it from him, they just didn't have time to add him to the main account.

The day of the surgery he was terrified, absolutely terrified. Open heart surgery had a ton of risks but not even thinking about that he was scared of the recovery. The one thing he told Yuri not to do before his back surgery was look into it but he looked into this and the recovery was going to hurt. He would be ICU for a few days to start, he wouldn't be able to talk, to eat, he would have a ventilator down his throat, he would more wires on his body. Then he would be in a normal room for a bit, if he stayed strong he would start some basic physical therapy and then eventually he would get to go home and do more months of physical therapy. There a good chance their wedding would have to be canceled and moved until after this was all over. The other thing he was thinking about was the pain he would be in. They were separating his rib cage to get to his heart and the valves and the doctors and all the information he read about online said he was going to be in extreme pain as it healed.

Seeing Phichit and Christophe had flown out to see him before this and to apologize for only seeing him once after he was out of ICU before they went back to their home countries, he was grateful they were here. Yuri was just as nervous as he was for this and Phichit at the very least could be here for him.

"Okay Mr. Nikiforov, we are ready for you." Squeezing Yuri's hand one last time they shared a kiss for strength and he was wheeled to the operating table. He got the best surgeon in Russia, he was in no better hands. He just had to hope his heart was strong enough for this. Yuri. It would be strong enough for him. Being put on the table he heard the nurses talking to him as he had the mask put over his mouth and his eyes slowly start to close. *Yuri I love you.*