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JACKSON

Why the fuck did I do that?

I didn't mean to fall asleep with April last night. But she was there, lying on my bed, dozing off and looking all adorable. All I wanted was to be next to her; I didn't even touch her. I was going to wake her up after a few minutes, knowing she should probably get back inside.

But those few minutes turned into hours, because I blinked for too long and fell asleep myself. I closed my eyes on my back while she was on her side, but woke up spooning her. With a fucking boner, no less. Pressed right into her ass.

I lie in bed now and shake my head, then cover my face with my hands. April came out of nowhere and was just starting to warm up to me. There's something about her that's so interesting; I don't know what it is exactly, but it makes me want to be around her. Now, that won't happen anymore. I probably scared her off for good.

And I kissed her. I fucking kissed her. It was such a routine, easy moment where nothing else seemed right. It felt so normal - like we wake up together every morning, and the first thing to do would be lean over and give her a kiss.

The look on her face told me that was the furthest from what she had in mind, though. Also, it was most likely her first kiss ever, and I ruined that memory, too.

We'd passed the stuttering stage a bit ago, but she launched right back into it while doing everything to escape the shed this morning. I single-handedly reverted our confusing relationship back to square one, which is not a place I want to be.

I sigh, scrub a hand through my hair, and get up. I use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and take a quick shower - changing into casual clothes for morning chores. I think April said something about church, which means they'll be gone for a while, I assume. I'll have the place to myself for a few hours.

I might use that time to sneak to the corner store a few miles away, where I got the chocolate. Maybe I could use that as a peace offering.

Just as I'm headed outside, there's a knock at the door. It must be breakfast, which I gladly welcome, but when I open up I get a much different picture. April is there in a blush pink dress with a high collar, long sleeves, and knee-length skirt. She has on white tights and black flats, her hair in one long braid. She looks beautiful - not like she doesn't always, but a different kind of beautiful this time. One that makes my throat clog and my hands sweat, which I fucking hate.

"Hey," I say. "What's goin' on?"

"Good morning," she says, pretty eyes cast towards the floor. "Um, my mother wants you to come to church with us this morning."

I raise my eyebrows, surprised. I laugh a little and cross my arms, shaking my head with confusion. "Ah, no way," I say. "Thanks, but I'll pass."

She looks up, only briefly. "I don't think it's optional," she says. "She wants you there."

I frown. "Seriously?" I ask.

April nods.

"I don't have a choice in the matter, not at all?" I continue.

She shakes her head no, shuffling from foot to foot.

"Well, Christ," I say. "Fuck."

"Mom thought you might not have anything to wear," she says. "So, she gave me this for you to try on."

For the first time, I notice the clothing garments slung over her arm. She hands them to me, and I see black dress pants, a light blue button-up shirt and black jacket.

"They're Daddy's," she mutters. "She thinks you two are nearly the same size."

"Uh, okay," I grunt, eyeing them. "I'll get into these, then, I guess."

She nods curtly, then turns to head back to the house.

"Wait, kitty," I say, taking her wrist.

She stops in her tracks, looks at where I'm touching her, eyes widening. But in the next moment, she gently unravels my grip from hers and shakes out her hand, avoiding my eyes.

"I have to go," she says, very quietly, and turns around to continue walking.

I watch her as she heads in the opposite direction, and clench my jaw as I disappear into the shed to get changed.

"Stupid ass," I growl, shucking off my casual clothes and standing in my underwear. "You ruin fucking everything."

Frustrated with myself, I put on the church clothes and look in the small mirror. They don't fit perfectly, and I would never willingly choose an outfit like this, but it serves its purpose. I won't put up a fight.

I don't have shoes that match, though, so I slip into my Nikes and slump out the door. I feel like an intruder walking into the Kepners' house uninvited, so I wait on the porch and lean against the railing until they come out.

"We're looking forward to you joining us this morning, Jackson," Mrs. Kepner says, surprising me as her voice suddenly sounds. "How do the clothes fit?"

"Oh, they're fine. Thanks," I say, hands shoved inside my pockets.

The smile painted on her face is pleasant on the surface, but when I remember that she starved her daughter yesterday, different thoughts flash through my mind. This woman is hiding plenty of shit, that I know for sure. She's not what she seems, and I should be afraid of her - she wants me to be. I should, but I'm not.

"Jackson!" I hear, and turn to see Alice wearing a button-up dress that must have been handed down three times, because the color is faded and the hem is frayed. "You're coming with us?"

"Yep," I say.

She smiles, a grin that reminds me of April's when she frees up her reservations. "This is gonna be so fun!" she squeals.

I chuckle a bit, trying to be subtle as I look over her shoulder for the only sister on my mind. But the two I hate come next, Libby and Kimmie, wearing nearly matching versions of the same dress. They don't say anything, but the expressions on their faces are enough.

I hope I give one back that's equally as nasty. They can act superior all they want, but they'll never win when it comes to me. I've dealt with people just as foul as they are, but with a lot more life experience. I could run them into the ground if I wanted to, and maybe someday, I'll get that chance. But that day is not today.

April comes last, walking alongside her father. They're talking quietly, but grow quiet when she lifts her head and sees me. With wide eyes, she forces a watered-down smile, and I return it.

"Alright everybody, let's go," Mr. Kepner says, and we walk as a group to the biggest van I've ever seen.

Everyone seems to already have their assigned seats, and I somehow end up next to April in the way back. As we start to move, I glance over and find her staring at her lap, but she must feel my eyes because she looks my way before long and smiles, weakly again.

"You okay?" I ask, eyebrows creasing.

She nods slightly, then a little harder. "Yeah, I'm fine," she says.

"Look," I say, first making sure no one's listening. "I'm sorry about this morning. I didn't mean to… you know, do that."

She licks her lower lip; I watch her tongue slowly run along the seam. Simultaneously, she lets out a soft little sigh and transforms her face into a pensive expression.

"We can't talk about this now," she whispers. "Mixed company."

"Right," I say. "I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry. I stepped over the line, it was a lot. I wasn't thinking straight."

She nods minutely and says again, "Not right now."

"Yeah," I say, a bit disheartened.

When we get to church, it's a modest building with a tall, sharp-looking steeple poised on the roof. All of the Kepners file out of the van with me bringing up the rear, and I stare up at the bell in the tower while squinting against the sun.

"It rings every hour," Alice says, appearing beside me.

"Oh," I say. "Cool."

She and I stand in silence for a moment, not awkwardly, but not comfortably either.

"Did you do something to my sister?" she asks, forcing the words. "Is she mad at you?"

I crinkle my forehead as I look at her - this small, spritely version of April who seems to be her biggest protector. They have the same freckles across their nose, the same wispy hairs around their face, the same fire in their eyes.

"Everything's fine," I tell her, though those are words I don't believe myself.

"Then why isn't she talking to you?" Alice asks.

I shrug. "How about you ask her?" I snap.

She recoils a bit, stung by my tone, but I don't rescind what I said. This is the last place I want to be, and suddenly I'm bristling with the thought of sitting inside a church with a hundred other Jesus groupies and listening to a boring ass sermon. I'd rather be at the farm, or even better, back in Chicago.

Now, rage courses through my body in droves. I should've never been made to come here in the first place. I'm not going to gain anything from it. I wrecked my one chance at friendship, and now I'll spend the rest of the summer alone on awkward terms with April. This fucking sucks.

"Sorry," Alice says, then scurries away to latch onto April's arm.

"Jackson, this way," Mrs. Kepner calls, waving me along. As we get closer to the actual building, I hear her say to April, "Show him around."

April looks at me with a tired expression and gently detaches Alice so she can walk over.

"Stay by me," she says.

"Not like you fuckin' want me to," I grumble.

She looks surprised, but I don't take it back. I'm pissed off. I don't want to be here, and I shouldn't have to be. This is corporal punishment.

"Why are you acting like this?" she asks, eyes watery as she blinks rapidly.

"You said you don't wanna talk about it," I say, without looking. "So, let's not."

She sets her shoulders firm, trying to seem intimidating while almost a head shorter and probably 100 pounds lighter than me. She opens her mouth to say something, to argue, but is instead interrupted by that oaf from the porch a couple weeks ago.

"April," he says, eyes glinting. "It's nice to see you. We were wondering when you would show up."

She turns her attention away from me to center on him. "Matthew," she says, flashing a fake ass grin. "Hi."

They spend a moment just looking at each other, and I feel the secondhand embarrassment in waves. This is the single most strained interaction I've ever witnessed.

"Who's this?" Matthew asks, turning his head robotically, that rehearsed smile still on his lips. His eyes read differently now, though. There's something dark behind them.

"Oh," April says, glancing my way. "This is Jackson Avery."

"The one staying on your property," Matthew says.

"Yes," April says.

I still haven't said a word, I've been too busy sizing this guy up. When his hand juts out for me to shake, I take it firmly and surprise him with my strength.

"Nice to meet you," he says. "I've heard a bit about you."

"Can't say the same," I respond, and force a smile to shove the knife in deeper. "Are you a cousin of the Kepners?"

He lets go of my hand and lets his fall back to his side.

"No," he says, voice tight. "I'm a friend of April's."

He looks at her, practically begging her to return his gaze, but she doesn't. Her eyes are on me, gauging what I'll do next. To be honest, I'm not quite sure myself. I don't plan on embarrassing her, but I don't want this creep to think he has something over me.

"A friend, huh," I say, then grin. "Well, I am, too. I'm glad we have something in common."

He narrows his eyes and adds, "Well, she and I have been close for our entire lives."

"That's nice," I say. "So, you're kinda like a brother to her, then."

"Jackson," April mutters.

"What?" I say, jovially.

"Not quite like a brother, no," Matthew says.

"Well, with how small this town is, you never know. You guys could be related. Better not jump in bed together anytime soon."

April's face turns bright red, and she grabs my wrist forcefully while giving me an angry look. "Jackson!" she hisses, and starts to drag me away. "I'm sorry, Matthew," she says. "We have to get going."

"Wait, April," he says, and she pauses with her fingers still wrapped around my wrist, mid-yank. "I know you couldn't make it a couple Sundays ago, but how would you feel about coming home with us tonight and having dinner?"

She opens her mouth and a small sound escapes, but it doesn't amount to anything. I watch her, very interested how she'll react, and my skin tingles underneath her cool touch.

"I-I don't think tonight will work, no," she says. "It's late notice, and… and I promised Mom I would do extra chores. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he says, but his eyes clearly state the opposite, and he's up the ass with jealousy as she pulls me away.

"You cannot say things like that to him," April whispers, once there's enough distance between Matthew and the two of us.

"Like what?" I taunt.

She scowls. It's so fucking cute.

"You know like what," she says. "You know perfectly well. You're baiting him."

"Well, he's the dumb fuck who fell for it."

"You can't… you!" She lets out a sound of frustration. "We're in church, Jackson. We can deal with whatever happened between us later, but right now, we're in the Lord's house. And you cannot speak like that!"

"Oh, so now you're gonna acknowledge something happened, ah okay," I say, nodding.

"You're impossible," she snarls.

"No," I counter. "That's you. I kissed you, and you've spent all day being an icy bitch."

She gasps. "I have not. Don't call me names."

I shake my head. "But am I lying?"

"April, Jackson," Mr. Kepner calls, and both of us look over. "Service is starting. Time to go."

She lets go of my wrist forcefully, snapping it back towards my body.

"Guess we'll finish this little chat later, huh," I say.

"Yes," she says, tensely. "We will."

I sit next to April during the sermon, hip-to-hip with the aisle to my left. If I'm being honest, I don't hear a word of what the pastor says, so none of it has a chance to sink in. I spend the whole hour staring at the stained-glass windows and people-watching, all while trying not to doze off.

After it's over, I'm snapped out of the trance I'd fallen into when April stands up, gesturing for me to lead the way out. I do, and we head back to the room we'd been in before for food and drinks, which is what I've been thinking about for a while now.

I busy myself at the snack table and turn around with a full plate to see Matthew's arm around April's shoulders as they talk to someone I don't know. I frown from across the room, face heating up with dumbass jealousy, and stare. He's smiling and carrying on with the conversation like there's nowhere else he'd rather be, but she looks shrunken beside him. First of all, she's tiny under his hulking frame, and he could be crushing her for all I know. He's most likely hurting her sunburn, which might be the reason she's cringing. Or, it could be because he's fucking unpleasant and about as deep as a kiddie pool. Either option is up for grabs.

I push my way through numerous people until I make it to them, and April's eyes light up with recognition once I get close.

"Hey," I say, nodding at her. "Want some?"

She looks at my plate, which I've piled high with sweets from the snack table.

"You know I'm not allowed," she murmurs.

"Sugar's a carnal sin," Matthew, knower of all, says.

I shoot him a disgusted look. "You wouldn't know much about those, though, would you, buddy?" I say.

There are many worse things I could say, but they might get me slapped. I'm not up for public humiliation right now, nor do I have any interest in making April more pissed off at me than she already is. Well, I'm pissed at her, too. Mutually pissed. I don't need to heighten that.

He doesn't know how to respond, so he just laughs awkwardly.

"April knows," I say, taking a slow bite out of a cookie that tastes like shit. I pretend it doesn't, though. "She knows more than you might think."

Matthew scoffs and looks at her. "What does he mean by that?" he asks, while trying to keep his tone light. It doesn't work.

"Nothing," April says, glaring. "I hear my parents calling. I'll… I'll see you around, Matthew."

"Sure," he says.

I smile at her, pleased, and she rolls her eyes and walks away. I have no other choice but to follow her to the quiet place she leads me, snack plate still in hand.

"What in the world are you doing?" she says. "Posturing like that."

"I wasn't doing shit," I say, still chewing.

"Yes, you were," she says, then pauses for a moment before continuing with, "Are you jealous of Matthew?"

I react instantly. "Fuck that," I say.

"I don't believe you," she says. "You-"

"We're leaving," I hear, and turn around to see Alice waving.

"Coming," April says, and brushes past me - leaving a cloud of her sweet scent behind. Before following, I shove a few treats into my pockets knowing that she might be annoyed with me now, but won't turn them down later.

…

We eat dinner together once we get back to the farm, and it's a quiet meal. No one has much to say, and it's weird as hell. Whenever I used to catch a meal with my mom, she'd talk my ear off. Now, with them, all I hear are gross ass chewing sounds.

But, as usual, April walks me out to the shed afterwards. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been looking forward to this all day. The air is warm and calm, and crickets chirp loudly from the woods as we get close to the treeline. She's wearing jeans and a ratty t-shirt, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. Her sunburn has only just started to fade, pink rather than lobster red.

"You acted horrible today," she says, breaking the ice that'd been slowly splintering. "And I didn't like it."

"What did I do?" I say, egging her on.

She sighs. "You purposefully riled up Matthew. You got enjoyment over making him uncomfortable, and that wasn't kind."

"Come on," I say. "It was a little funny."

"You didn't have to take out whatever you're feeling on him," she says, and we arrive at the shed door which I push open.

"Oh, so now that we're alone, you acknowledge that I have feelings," I say.

She frowns deeply. "You can't blame me for not talking about it around my parents," she says. "Or my sisters. If they knew, I'd never be able to spend time with you again."

"If they knew…" I say.

She blushes, cherry red. "That I slept next to you. That you kissed me."

"And that you kissed me back," I say.

She crosses her arms, but not before flattening her palm over something in her pocket. It's too big to fit, though, so she takes it out and sets it behind her. I'm not sure what it is, but she keeps a hand there as if to remind herself it's there.

"Look," I say, after a sizable pause. "I'm sorry for acting like a dick. But you… you fuckin' ran away like a bat outta hell this morning and didn't give me a chance to see where you're at. I'm sorry I was out of line with the kiss, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." I study her face and close my mouth for a second. "But something tells me I wasn't that far off-base."

She presses her chin to her chest and rocks her weight from foot-to-foot. "It was my first kiss," she murmurs.

The innocent way she says it hits me like a ton of bricks. I've never been around a girl like her, no less kissed one. She's inexperienced, naive, downright holy. I have no idea how to take her, but no idea how to get her out of my head, either. There's just something about her that reels me in, and I can't help but succumb to it.

She doesn't know what the world is like, though. She's barely been outside her own four walls, and that fact alone is crazy to consider. I don't know why I have such an interest in her, she's much different than who I usually go for.

But that crazy pull stays, and I don't want it to go anywhere.

"Like I said," I mutter. "I'm sorry if you didn't want it."

"But I did," she says, finally looking up with wide, searching eyes. "I did, and that's what scares me."

I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. I let her have the floor if she wants to keep talking, which I assume she does. My girl loves to talk.

"I'm sorry for acting cold to you," she says. "Ignoring things that trouble me has always worked in the past. Ignoring, and praying, of course. But in this case, neither have done anything and I think I've exhausted them both."

She wrings her hands, those dainty hands with the short, skinny fingers and unpainted, trimmed nails. So basic, yet endearing.

"I think I like you," she says, then presses her lips together tightly. "And I can't like you."

I take a few steps closer, closing the distance slowly. She watches my every move, and I find myself worrying she'll run away. That's the last thing I want.

"And why's that?" I say.

"Matthew," she says, very softly, eyes on mine. "My parents. My religion."

"I can't like you, either," I say. "I'll corrupt you. I'll wreck this pretty little veneer you have going on… I'll hurt you."

"You won't," she says, voice lowering as her chin tips up to look at me.

I touch her jaw softly, fingers curling around the angle of it. Her lips are plush and perfect; I need to get mine on them.

"No?" I say.

She shakes her head. "I'm scared," she admits. "But it's exciting. I…" Her eyes dart between my mouth and my eyes, unable to land definitely on either. "I want you."

I smirk with one half of my lips. "Let me give you a real first kiss," I say, then stroke her cheek. "Can I?"

She licks her lips, clearly nervous, but I plan on making that feeling disappear.

"Yes," she says.

I tilt my head to one side and nudge her nose with mine, getting her used to the proximity before going further. Her breath hitches, her eyelids flutter closed, and her flat palms find my chest. She angles her chin upwards and puckers her lips, and I smile to myself as I take control and mold my mouth against hers.

All at once, things come together. She tastes sweet, her lips are soft, and her breath is tepid and shaky. I hold either side of her face as I close my eyes and lose myself in her, and she presses her fingertips more solidly into my skin, trying to keep up as I open my mouth.

I part my lips, but I don't give her tongue yet. It's not time. I simply meld my lips against hers and she does a good job keeping up, taking notice of my pacing, my rhythm, and by the time we pull away, I'm half hard.

"Oh," she says, pupils fat and swaying like she's drunk. She touches her lips and stares at mine, and I suddenly want everything with her.

She's fucking hypnotizing. I don't see anything else in the room besides this girl standing in front of me.

"You're amazing," she says, the words seeming to escape of their own volition. She looks surprised she's said anything at all.

I smile - I can't help it, can't control it. She's got a hold of my heart and is gently squeezing it - going harder as the moments pass and our eyes lock.

"You are," I say back, and take her hand. I want to consume her, envelop her, take her right here. But I don't, and I won't. It's much more complicated than that, which is something I fully embrace. I've never felt like this before.

"I should go," she whispers.

"Stay," I say, flirting as we inch even closer. "Sleep next to me. Let me kiss you first thing in the morning."

"I can't," she says, and her cheeks are so red I practically feel the heat radiating from them.

"I know," I say, and cup her chin to bring her face to mine. "Let me give you one more to dream about, at least."

I close my eyes as I press my lips to hers again, this time holding her neck and feeling her pulse beat madly. When I pull away, I take a bit of her lower lip in my teeth and watch it pop back into place, her gaze hazy as she steps towards the door.

"Tomorrow… morning," she says, still foggy.

"See you then," I say. "Sweet dreams, kitty cat."

She raises her hand in a small wave, and the door shuts. I glance out the window on the other side of the shed and watch her trot back to the house, ponytail bouncing as she goes.

My head feels like it's about to pop off. I'm feeling way too much to process. I take a deep breath and turn around to lock the door, and when I do, I notice she's left something familiar behind.

That little red notebook.

It stares at me from the table, where she put it when it got uncomfortable in her pocket. She'd had her hand on it like usual, guarding it from everyone except herself. It's taunting me as it lies there, and I know I should leave it. Not touch it, not do anything with it. I shouldn't even go near it.

But I'm too curious for that to happen. I need to know if she's written anything more - anything about me.

I glance out the window again with the book in my hands and, seeing no one, I sit on my bed with only the small light on. I flip open the book and pass the old entries and poems, thumbing through to find the newer stuff.

June 14th

I've been spending a lot of time with Jackson lately. I know we aren't supposed to be friends, but there's nothing I can do to change that now. He's so different from anyone else I've ever met, and I really like that about him. He makes me laugh, and doesn't tease me in a mean way.

June 16th

Today, I taught Jackson how to ride a horse. It was fun, but scary. Not scary because I was unused to riding, scary because we were so close to each other. He was right up against my back, breathing on my neck. It was terrifying, but I felt that thing again. I really need to figure out what to do about that.

That 'thing?' What the fuck 'thing' is she talking about?

June 30th

He calls me kitty, and I love it. It makes me feel special, I don't know why. My heart feels funny when I'm around him, and whenever he touches me, all those feelings come back, which is so embarrassing. He brought me candy, and it was the best thing I ever tasted. It was even better because he fed it to me, and for some reason that was really exciting. I know, so weird. I've been so weird in general lately. He's making me think all these crazy thoughts. I looked up this word in that stupid book… masturbation? I tried to do it, and it didn't work. I just felt dumb. There's so much I don't know, and it's driving me crazy.

Fuck.

She tried to masturbate? Because of me? I shake my head and rethink that - the even crazier part of it. She's never masturbated before? She didn't even know what it was? Jesus Christ. How sheltered are these people? She's 18, and never touched herself.

Shit.

July 1st

What I know is this / fluttering, jumping, flying / that's what I am with him / he looks at me, through me, inside me / at me, wholly / my heart worn on my sleeve / my words caught in my teeth / he turns me into everything / melts me to nothing.

'J. A.'

I stare at those words, stomach flipping because they're meant for me. That fact stares me in the face. She doesn't always do a great job at hiding her feelings, but the way she writes them down is so beautiful and they deserve the time I spend studying them. I run over the swoops of her pen with my pointer finger and mouth the poem to myself, letting the rhythm soak onto my tongue.

It's sweet, like candy. Like her lips, her sighs, the air about her.

I close the book and blink hard, walking to set it back where I'd picked it up. I change into pajamas, flick the light off, and lie on my back wishing April was beside me. I have a feeling this won't be the last night my mind travels there.

I dream about her - explicitly and viscerally. I dream about my hands on her hips - bending her over and fucking her. But I dream about more than that, too; I dream about taking it further. I dream about slow mornings, sleepy kisses, sweaty, intimate sex just after waking up. I dream about parting her thighs and burying myself between them, of getting to know every facet of her - physically and otherwise.

In the morning, soaked in sweat with a raging hard-on, a knock at the door wakes me up.

She's here, and it's time for morning chores.