AN: First of all, thanks again for the comments and follows! Y'all make me feel so special ;) It'll be a couple days till I can post again because I'll be on a road trip, so I made this chapter a smidge longer than the other ones. Things really start to pick up this chapter. There is a lot going on and I am a little nervous. Hopefully, y'all will enjoy it just as much as I enjoyed writing it.
I peered my head in. I heard him make a horrible, pained noise which hurt my heart and I whispered, "Buck?"
Empathy is a huge problem for me. It's not that I am bad at being empathetic, quite the opposite actually. I am too empathetic. This mostly has to do with my gift, but my mother used to call me tender heart, before my powers reared their ugly head. Hearing Bucky tugged at my heart strings and the desire to comfort and soothe overtook all rational thought.
His room was pitch black, darker than night. He made another noise and it comes to me that he must be having a nightmare. I run my hand through my hair and look back towards the living room. Stupidly, I try again, moving my body a little further into his room, the door clicking softly behind my back.
"Bucky, you okay?" I asked in concern a little louder.
The noise stopped abruptly. I stepped closer to what I thought was the bed. Without warning, a whoosh of air pushed past me and a strong metal hand wrapped around my throat lifting me off my feet against the wall. Panic poured into my body as I gasped for air. My hands wrapped around his metal arm, desperate to touch skin.
"Bu-ck" I tried to splutter out. My bare feet swung in the air trying to throw him of balance. As my eyes watered, my brain was flying in attempts to figure out in a span of seconds how to save my life. I suddenly realized that Bucky was shirtless. Normally, this would cause me to stop and take in the view, but I unfortunately didn't have time for that. I threw my bare foot up as high as I could pushing my hips against the wall for leverage. My big toe landed squarely in the center of his bare chest. Gasping for air, I gave him all of my panic. He squeezed harder. Not gonna work. I knew I only had seconds left before I passed out and with everything I could muster I thought of the happiest memory I could- one before my gift, before my parents died, one that was sacred to me. The happiness floated from my body into his brain. I suddenly hit the floor and took in big gulps of air. Tears prickled in my eyes and coughs spewing forth from my lips.
"No." came a harsh whisper above me. A tentative hand touched my clothed shoulder and out of instinct, I jerked away.
"Fuck." I heard Bucky say. After finally catching my breath I looked up, not seeing the winter soldier in front of me anymore.
I peered through the darkness to see him curled in the corner of the room on the ground. I crawled over to him.
"No. Stay away. I don't want to hurt you again," came his heart breaking plea. Determined or stupid, I moved my body forward until I was right in front of him.
"Bucky… Bucky look at me. Now." I placed my bare finger under his chin and pulled his face towards mine.
"It's okay. You didn't mean to. I shouldn't have come into your room. You.. you were having a nightmare and I was worried." His eyes pierced mine. I flowed peace and calm in his direction. He smacked my hand away.
"You shouldn't do that! I don't deserve peace," came his breaking voice.
"James! You do! What those men did to you was horrible. Absolutely horrible. I know that you would never purposefully hurt me. I know that, feel my emotions Buck- I don't blame you or hate you. Nothing!" I put my whole bare palm on his face. I sent him my emotions, trying to block out the deep, deep feeling of regret radiating from him.
Feeling my true emotions, clarity came to his eyes. Suddenly he picked me up and moved me towards his bed.
"Bucky?"
His cool, metal hand touched my neck, inspecting the damage, and I flinched. Even in the dark I could see his guilty look.
"I am fine. I swear it's… it's just a little tender." He bent over at the waist so that we were nose to nose. I could feel his breath ghost over my lips. I felt light headed, unsure if it was because of the choking situation or because of Bucky's close proximity.
"I am sorry," he whispered. I gave him a soft smile and moved my forehead to touch his.
"I know."
"I can't believe- I thought that you-" He muttered sitting next to me.
"Bucky, I really do understand. Let me- let me help." I lifted my hand towards him. He paused and then gave me a tiny nod. I touched my hand against his neck and a sigh escaped his lips. His body turned more towards me as I tried to soothe his heavy soul.
We sat like this for several minutes with both our eyes closed. Suddenly, Bucky's other hand clasped my face, his thumb brushing against my cheek. Flashes of something played at the edge of my mind. Little glimpses as if someone was flashing a camera, taking snapshots of something. Surprised by the touch and the weird flashes, my eyes flew open. Where those... memories?
"August," came his rough voice. I was scared to acknowledge his emotions and whatever the hell just happened with my powers. His hand moved to my hair grasping my thick tresses. A sense of de ja vu ran over me like a cooling rain on a hot day. His fingers slowly trailed towards my bruised neck.
"does that hurt?" he questioned softly. I shook my head no.
"I can tell your lying McKay." He moved closer resting his forehead against my cheek. On instinct, I wrapped my arms around him. He stiffened and paused. Suddenly, his big arms wrapped around me and he moved us farther up his bed. We ended up leaning against his head board, me in his lap. His hands laid harmlessly on my bare knee. We sat in silence listening to each other breath. The rhythmic inhale and exhale lulled us into peace until Bucky's voice suddenly spoke up.
"Are you… in just your panties?" He questioned with a hint of amusement in his tone. I giggled as the silence broke thinking about the other night in the kitchen.
"I am wearing a t-shirt and men's boxers… happy?"
"I don't know, I really liked that black little number you were wearing the other night." He stated as if he was talking about the weather.
If the lights had been on he would have seen that I lit up like Rudolph's nose on Christmas.
"Um… noted." I squeaked.
"You're nervous again." He observed. His body tensed,
"Well, it's not every night I am in the arms of a very attractive male," I joked.
"I am… I am really sorry about-"
"Stop apologizing. It's okay! I'm alive. Accidents happen." I brushed off the topic of my neck quickly.
Suddenly I felt warm breath on my neck and goose bumps broke out on my skin. God, the things this man could do to me.
"Thank you," came his muffled voice and ever so lightly his lips skimmed across my raw skin. A sigh fell from my lips. I could feel want projecting from the man who had me in his arms.
His lips pulled back and his bare hand rubbed up and down my arm soothingly. I almost groaned in disappointment, but I kept it together. A chuckle stumbled from his lips.
"Gus, we need to… behave ourselves…" I rolled my eyes and tilted my face up towards him he said with a light lilt in his voice.
"That's no fun, " I half joked. His arms came around me tighter and he closed his eyes. My heavy tired eyes started to flutter too. A yawn came over me.
I started to doze off. My adrenaline had drained from my body and exhaustion had taken its place. I felt warm and safe which was weird considering what had just happened. It was like somewhere deep in me I knew that I was safe with Bucky Barnes. I feel asleep while pondering why I felt this way.
I vaguely recall Bucky breathing in the scent of my hair and being lifted from his bed.
Sun peeked through the small rectangular window above my bed. I let out a disgruntled noise and flipped over on my stomach shoving my tye-dye pillow on top of my head.
Wait… my bed?
Last night's events flooded in my mind like a broken dam. I sat up swiftly accidently throwing my sleeping cat through the air and onto the floor.
"Holy hell! Sorry baby!" I got out bed and tried to get Cilantro to love me again. He wasn't having any of it. I sighed and walked into my bathroom to check out the damage.
Blue and purple fingerprints danced around my neck. I gingerly poked my neck and hissed. All at once I remembered the light press of Bucky's lips against my throat. I groaned. This was not how things were supposed to go. Bucky had me in a tizzy like some animal in heat. I knew that we needed to talk about what had happened with the nightmare thing last night, but I was scared that I would jump his bones. That wouldn't go over well.
I could just imagine me saying something like, "Bucky, it's fine. We need to focus on the fact that you could have killed me instantly if you had wanted. If anything, some part of you deep down, showed restraint and fought to gain control of yourself. Now can we fuck? Great. Thanks." And then I would throw myself on top of him and the rest would be a fucking disaster.
All of the sudden, a knock banged on the door. I jumped in response, squeaking.
"Gusssss! I'm back from my op. You awake sunshine?" came the voice of Agent Barton.
Of all people to see me the morning after being nearly strangled to death, this was probably the worst case scenario. Clint knows me better than anyone and over our time together, he had come to learn my tell when I lied.
"Uhh hold on! I am in the middle of getting dressed," I tried to sound casual as I rummaged through my closet. He banged on the door again.
"Sweet pea, you okay? You sound weird," came his voice. I knew that I had approximately twenty-five seconds until he bust through that door.
My hands started ripping my closet apart looking for- BINGO! High-necked black and white sleeveless shift dress! I started throwing the dress over my head and yelled,
"I'm fine, swear!" I didn't even get all the words out of my mouth when I heard the door fly open hitting the wall with a loud bang. I tugged the dress on right as Clint ran into my closet.
He looked at me as if inspecting a piece of art in a museum- with a critical eye and slight confusion. I prayed to God that the neck of the dress hid my neck effectively. I attempted to seem calm and confused by his abrupt entrance.
"See, Legolas? I was just getting dressed," I tried to sound nonchalant. He raised an eyebrow and stepped forward with an open hand. Shit. He was going to touch me. Indifference. Indifference. Indifference. I repeated over and over again as his big, rough hand wrapped around my left elbow and pulled me closer. After a second, he pulled away seemingly satisfied. I gave him a weak smile as I grabbed some flip flops.
"Pfft. I hate flip flops. Can't run away in them Gus," He commented moving out of my personal space leaning against the wall arms crossed still eyeing me warily.
"Well, hopefully no one attempts to chase me today since that is such a common problem here at the headquarters of the freaking Avengers," I pointed out pushing past him and walking into the bathroom.
"Steve says you are improving," Barton ignored my dig.
"Steve is too nice," I said glancing into the mirror making sure that everything was covered up. I let out a small sigh and decided to take some advice that Clint had given me years ago.
Don't be go overboard when trying to hide something. Sometimes the most obvious thing, is the least noticeable.
So I pulled all my hair up and placed it in a high messy bun not being blatant about hiding my neck.
"You look cute cricket."
"Well thanks! How was the Op? Did you get to stop in and see the fam?" I inquired making some final touches to my hair.
"I did. Wifey says hello and that she hopes you are doing well. The op was okay, some unforeseen obstacles popped up, but it was handled."
"Unforeseen obstacles, huh? Those are the worst kind!" I laughed as I strolled out of the bathroom. Clint was now sitting on the edge of the bed petting Cilantro. I sighed and sat next to him.
"You're okay though right? Can't have my favorite body guard scuffed up," I elbowed him.
"Just a couple of bruises here and there. Nothing horrible."
We sat in comfortable silence until a thought skittered into my brain.
"Do you know what tomorrow is Clint?"
He turned and looked at me with a curious gaze waiting for me to answer my own question.
"I am supposed to walk at my graduation tomorrow. I thought I'd be okay with missin' it, but… I am actually kind of disappointed. I mean I worked hard to get my double major and Lord knows it was expensive. I just feel like I am missin' out… whatever. I'll be cavalier about it, I guess."
He slung his arm over my shoulder pulling me closer to him.
"I know that has gotta be rough. I think it's perfectly okay that you're upset. But you know, we don't know if someone else is out there trying to hurt you, Gus."
I knew he was right, but at the same time, I still had this ache over not being able to attend. Clint saw my forlorn look, stood and grabbed my hands pulling me to my feet.
"Buck up kid! Let's do something fun today. First, take those damn flip flops off," he ushered me into the closet.
A little later, I found myself standing in the garage looking at some car that Clint was freaking out about. Not being a car person myself, I pretended to be just as enthused. He mentioned that this red convertible of some sort belonged to some guy named Phil.
"We are just going to take it for a quick spin around the facility. It'll be fun!"
He hopped in, waiting for me rather impatiently.
"Does this Phil know that we are taking his car for a spin?" I questioned as I opened the passenger door subconsciously rubbing my neck. The garage door suddenly opened making me jump a little.
"Um, no he does not, and he will not because snitches get stiches Gus. Now buckle your damn seat belt and let's see what this baby can do." I obeyed his orders and we zipped out of the garage.
This had been a tradition of ours back when I was younger. If I had had a really bad day, Clint would 'sneak' me out and we'd drive around listening to old rock music with the windows down cruising on old country roads. Little did I know at the time that we were actually heavily surveillanced and our sneaking had been approved.
As we made laps around the facility, laughter bubbled up from my belly as my messy bun started to come undone. My hair whispies hit me in the face, but not in an unpleasant radio was blasting and the sun shined down on us. Sweat droplets rolled down my neck, but it didn't matter to me.I felt like time stood still and the scenery was all that mattered. Clint was bobbing his head to the music and I started singing along extremely off-key. After about an hour of messing around, driving in loops and tearing up the grass with some off road maneuvers, Clint pulled the red car back into the garage.
"Next time we steal this car, let's see what that red button does!" I commented as the car screeched to a stop. Standing directly in front of the car were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, one looking decidedly disappointed and the other looking decidedly indifferent.
Steve's arms were crossed and he had a stern look on his face. My eyes flicked up towards Bucky who was leaning against the garage wall. He refused to meet my gaze and I frowned, concerned.
"August McKay, we were supposed to meet at the gym an hour ago. You stood me up so that you could steal Agent Coulson's car?" He sounded like a disappointed mother. I cringed realizing that I had completely blown him off.
"Calm down 'Merica. Gus here has been having a rough day and I wasn't going to let my girl be miserable,"Clint declared. Bucky's eyes flashed at me and I could tell he was jumping to conclusions. I immediately spoke up, "Tomorrow is my graduation day and I was bummed about not being able to attend. Clint was just trying to cheer me up. Sorry Steve. I completely forgot that we were meeting today."
"Well, I guess I can forgive you Gus, but the next time we train we are going to work double time." His stern look had softened. Clint and I got out of the car and I gave Steve a side hug agreeing to his terms.
"Cap, while I have you here I wanted to show you the new light mount on my cycle," Clint ushered Steve to the other side of the garage putting several large Humvees between us. As soon as they were out of site, Bucky, with a gloved hand pulled me towards him, pushing my back against the wall. My eyes darted in alert, but I stayed calm. The rough leather of his gloved hand pulled down the high turtle neck of my sleeveless dress. His fingers traced the bruises that were caused by his own hands. He, clearly upset by the marks, suddenly slammed his metal fist into the cement wall behind me causing me to jump and squeak loud enough to catch Steve's attention. He couldn't see us, but his voice echoed across the large garage.
"August, everything alright?" Bucky's blue eyes winced.
"Yeah, just tripped Steve. I'm all good. Y'all enjoy those motorcycles, Buck and I are going to head back."
The anger was still pouring off of Bucky, but he realized that he had frightened me and took a step back. I reached out and tucked my pointer finger between his glove so that I could touch skin. Remorse. Shame. Rage.
I took in his feelings. They were so strong that I started to feel what he was feeling. Memories swirled at the surface throwing me off guard. I started to breathe quickly and tried to get control. My head felt dizzy as I pushed out those emotions and tried to focus on calm, acceptance, and reassurance. His metal arm gently latched onto my upper arm and pulled me closer.
"Buck. It's okay. There is no reason for you to be upset," I whispered. His skeptical look fought against the emotions I was sending him. His eyes shifted as he heard something I couldn't discern, probably Clint and Steve coming back our way. He tucked me against him and we walked quickly out of the garage. He led me with gentle arms back up to the main level through the living room and tried to usher me to my room. I pulled away and stated with a resolute tone,
"I need me a sweet tea."
Bucky sat me down on the barstool and retrieved a glass getting me some crushed ice and sweet tea. He placed it before me. He put both palms on the counter and waited patiently.
I fully admit that I was stalling. I needed to gather my feelings so I could help Bucky understand that I was okay and reassure him that I hadn't given up on him and neither should he. Plus, sweet tea is damn good.
I swallowed my last delicious gulp of the cold drink and stood from my chair chewing on some ice as I walked towards my room. Bucky, like I anticipated, followed quietly behind me. Opening the door, we were immediately greeted by my fluffy black and white cat. Scratching him under the chin, I sat on the bed. Bucky stayed standing on the opposite side of the room as if scared or weary to approach.
"Bucky, I know you are so angry at yourself. I reckon I would feel the same way if the situation was reversed, but I want you to know that I really am okay…. I just have a thought I wanna share with you. You were the Winter Soldier and you've…. You've killed people before… but um… but last night even when you thought you were being attacked or were stuck in your nightmare, you still had some inkling of control over yourself. You could have snapped my neck immediately. But you didn't. Somewhere deep inside of you, you had control. That's a success."
"You don't get to do that," he growled and started to pace.
"Get to do what?" I asked confused pulling a face.
"You don't get to write off the fact that I hurt you. I hurt you. It's not okay and you don't get to live in your happy little imagination that it's acceptable that this happened. This isn't a goddamn fairytale! Why the hell did you come in anyways?" His voice was rough and filled with lilts of anger.
Happy little imagination? Fairytale? Oh hell no.
"James Buchanan Barnes. If I hear another self-deprecating word outta you I swear I am fixin' to clock you in the face. And don't you dare patronize me! I can do whatever the hell I want. I was checking on you because I care. I am not living in some fantasy land where there are no problems. I've got my own problems, my life has been riddled with heart break, loss, disappointment, and guilt." My voice was getting dangerously quiet as I stepped right in front of him, "I used to be in your shoes. Everything I touched fucking broke. I know how that feels. To see someone you care for get hurt by your hands. Your very own hands! So when I tell you I am okay and that I have hope, you better listen because I am not fucking around." I was so close to him that I could feel his angry breath hit my face in quick bursts. He opened his mouth to speak, but I was still pissed so I kept talking.
"Yeah, Buck, you did hurt me, is that what you wanna hear?" I pulled down the neck of my dress dramatically, "But if you think for one hot minute that I am giving up on getting to know you and on helping you, then you are sure as hell wrong. So quit beating up on yourself or I'll have to start beating-" His lips came crashing into mine. My heart leapt into my throat and heat rose from my toes to the top of my head. His hand threaded through my hair and brought me closer. All of our pent up anger went into this hot and heavy kiss. I felt as if steam was seeping through my pours as I felt a slight nibble on my bottom lip. And just as quick as he had pressed his lips against mine, his lips were gone. I had never had such a searing closed mouth kiss in my short life. No other kiss mattered or stood up to what Bucky had just done to me. Our chemistry was undeniable, in one chaste kiss, I knew that I would never have enough of him.
My knees wobbled and his husky voice said quietly," You're lips taste like sweet tea."
I stood there in utter shock, face blushing, nervous to look up at him as I heard him pant lightly.
Well, it least it affected him too.
God, I wanted more. Unsure of what to do I awkwardly asked," What was that for?"
He chuckled. Actually chuckled and looked at me sheepishly while rubbing the back of his neck.
"I had to get you to shut the hell up, didn't I?" He gave me a smirk that went straight to my core. I had to sit down on the bed as I mustered a look between outrage and amusement. He strides forward, placing his finger under my chin and pulled my eyes to his.
"Thank you… for having hope." And then he was gone. Out the door with a blink of the eye. Part of me wondered if that had actually just happened.