This and the next chapter were meant to be a single post but I think I have enough to justify an update. I'm trying to keep Arthur true to character but I'm not sure how well I'm succeeding. It's hard to tell if I'm making him prat-like with a softie noble center, or if he's just coming across as OOC. What do you think?
I haven't bothered with disclaimers before (all the usual apply, of course) but this chapter could be triggering. There are no graphic scenes but I did try to be descriptive and realistic about Merlin's feelings/reactions, especially in the flashback scene, so please be cautious if you think you may be triggered.
Also, thanks for reading and following the story. I really appreciate the reviews too!
Arthur was exhausted.
Taking care of Merlin was quite simple while being simultaneously difficult. It was a fairly easy task given that Merlin slept most of the day. He always woke when Arthur was getting ready for training. Arthur would give him his morning dose of medicines before donning his armor and leaving for training. Morgana and Gwen kept watch over Merlin while he trained and attended the daily knight briefings with Leon. Arthur then spent the rest of the day in his room unless it was his turn to have dinner with Uther or he had other duties to attend in which case one or both girls would return. They had thus far managed to avoid having to dine with Uther together; Uther thought he and Morgana were having another disagreement and they let him believe it. Truth be told, Arthur was sure Morgana enjoyed having an excuse to disparage Arthur a little too much. Even with Morgana's help in explaining away his absences and Gwen's very practical help, Arthur found it tiring to have to juggle his duties and Merlin. He hated that he could no longer join in with other knights' spontaneous plans. Merlin was the ball and chain that kept him alone in his room and prevented him from enjoying his free time with the knights. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd gone to the tavern with Leon! (He carefully ignored the voice that reminded him that he rarely remembered any tavern nights.) Soon the changing weather would bring an end to daily trainings and many knights would be returning to their homes. Arthur was running out of time to gain their confidence and now that time was spent on the grueling task of watching over Merlin.
It wasn't that Merlin's care involved any great level of activity. In fact, Morgana asked him daily if it was normal for Merlin to sleep so much. He didn't see a problem with it. Rest was necessary for healing and Merlin had a lot of healing to do. Arthur privately thought that Morgana only complained because she was bored. Whatever her reason, as the days passed Arthur began to suspect that Merlin was pretending to sleep whenever he was left with Morgana and Gwen. Not long after they left, he would look over and catch Merlin looking back at him. The opposite would happen if he left for dinner – Morgana told him that within minutes of Arthur's departure Merlin would fall asleep only to wake as soon as Arthur returned. At first he thought that Merlin was simply afraid of the girls. However, even after explaining to him that they were friendly and would probably entertain him better than Arthur, Merlin continued to sleep the day away. The more he thought about it, and he spent far too much time thinking about Merlin, he decided that perhaps Merlin was avoiding interacting with the girls because he didn't know how. Merlin still hadn't spoken and it made Arthur wonder if Merlin had ever been allowed to interact with anyone that wasn't his master. It was another heavy concern added to his growing pile. He didn't know how children learned to interact with others. Occasionally, he would watch the children playing in the lower town and at the edges of the training fields and wondered if he could just throw Merlin in with them. Maybe playing with other young children would help Merlin speak again? He thought about asking Morgana but she was raised in the same manner as Arthur. Due to their status, they had only been allowed to play with each other or with the small number of noble-born children. Watching the commoner children play, Arthur never remembered his own playtime being so wild and free. He couldn't help but want Merlin to have that freedom, especially considering his history.
While Merlin still had not shared more details about his past, Arthur couldn't ignore all ways in which it continued to impact Merlin. His room was rarely without light since Merlin's arrival. Though his first few nights were undisturbed, as Merlin's awareness increased he began having nightmares. The first night that he woke crying, Arthur feared that Merlin would die from the strength of his panic and he hadn't known how to calm him. It wasn't until he lit several candles that he was able to get Merlin to breathe. After, when Merlin was sucking his thumb and hiccupping as he fell asleep, Arthur had unwittingly triggered another panic attack when he extinguished the candles. Every night since then, Arthur would listen as Merlin whimpered while Arthur put out the candles around the room, leaving only one lit on the nightstand closest to Merlin. As Arthur sat reading the day's documents by the firelight, he would look over and see the chess knight perched on the pillow next to Merlin as though for protection. Neither the candle nor the knight prevented the nightmares, but their presence made it so Merlin calmed almost immediately and would settle easily (thumb in mouth) as Arthur stroked his hair, his eyes fixed desperately on the knight. Arthur remembered some of his childhood nightmares, but he couldn't remember ever being as terrified as Merlin. It frightened him that sometimes he would wake to find Merlin clawing at himself desperately. Arthur would have to pull his hand away and press his own over Merlin's chest until Merlin's breathing calmed. Merlin sometimes rested the fingers from his injured hand over Arthur's as if to confirm that Arthur was real and it made Arthur uncomfortable to see just how much Merlin needed him.
As much as Merlin took comfort from Arthur's touch after nightmares, every other touch stressed the boy. Arthur was used to Merlin not making eye contact, by now he had decided that Merlin had been trained that way. Occasionally, he caught Merlin staring at him but the boy would always duck his head quickly and Arthur suspected that he might have held his breath too. Changing Merlin's bandages was an exercise in compassion for Arthur. If he asked Merlin to look up, he would do so, but his eyes would inevitably fall away as soon as Arthur began working. He began by unwrapping the old bandages, cleaned, and treated the remaining wounds. Merlin was healing far faster than normal. The wounds that Gaius had stitched closed would soon need the stitches removed. Everywhere else, bright pink scar tissue was beginning to shrink and fade. After checking for infection, Arthur would wrap new bandages and move to the next area. All throughout, Merlin would hold himself stiffly. If Arthur moved too quickly, Merlin would flinch away. If he looked too long or too closely, Merlin would begin to shake. When Arthur reacted to Merlin's behavior, Merlin would hang his head and try to hide as tears slid down his face. When he asked Merlin to show him what was wrong, all he saw was himself asking Merlin to trust him. It confused Arthur. Merlin seemed to trust him… and then it fell into place. It occurred to him that Merlin was trying to show Arthur that he trusted him by hiding how much he feared being touched. When Arthur reacted, Merlin knew he had failed to hide his fear and it made him sad. So Arthur began talking to Merlin quietly, sometimes describing what he was doing and other times letting himself ramble about anything and everything. It helped him ignore Merlin's reactions and after a few days he even noticed Merlin shyly looking up.
In reality, as time went on, taking care of Merlin grew easier as he earned more of his trust. If Arthur grows to be old and grey, he will never forget how scared Merlin had been of the simple task of using the chamber pot.
Arthur strode into his chambers straight after training, grateful that Uther cancelled the morning's meeting. He expected to find Morgana and Guinevere excitedly playing with Merlin but was surprised by the relative quiet that greeted him. He found the girls chatting quietly in the corner, Morgana hurriedly holding up a finger to her mouth as she looked towards his bed. Curious, he moved aside the curtains around his bed to see Merlin fast asleep. He let the curtains fall back and walked over to Morgana. "Has he been asleep the whole time?"
"Yes. He fell asleep not long after you left. Do you think he's alright? How did he sleep last night?"
He shrugged. "He wasn't able to finish his soup. His eyes just kept drooping so I stopped feeding him and let him lay back. I don't think he woke up during the night, or if he did, he didn't make a fuss. I was surprised he woke so early this morning, though that was probably because I was making noise."
He dropped his sword on the table and began stripping off his armor only to have Morgana shush him again. He watched as Guinevere began folding away some fabric and Morgana collected their needles into a basket. "What is all that for?"
Morgana paused to answer him. "We are going to make him some clothes! Uther told Katrina that he was worried about me because I lacked a female parent to guide me. He said that I was far too boyish to attract a suitable husband." She elbowed him when he snorted.
"What? It's true. He only let you learn swordsmanship because it made you tired and made you quiet during official events. Then he could hope that someone would think you were a prize bride instead of the wild madwoman you actually are." He dodged her elbow.
"I just do not see why I have to pretend to be mindless and weak to attract a husband. It seems to me that a real man would not be threatened by a strong woman." Arthur secretly agreed with her, but he rolled his eyes anyway to hide it. She continued on, "besides, back to the point. He was trying to get Katrina to spend more time with me which is not exactly convenient when we're trying to hide Merlin from Uther. So I told him that Gwen and I were working on several new dresses and that I wanted to surprise Katrina with one as a gift. It worked! Now I have an excuse to avoid court and no one will think twice about all the fabric we buy. You're welcome, Arthur."
There have to be easier ways to explain away her absences and activities, but Arthur supposed that this should work well enough. "We both know Guinevere is going to be doing all the real work. Her sewing abilities are far better than yours since she was the one that made all of your assignments while you ran off to beat squires with wooden swords."
Gwen blushed and hurried to pick up their supplies. He dodged around the table to avoid Morgana's wrath. She didn't follow him. Instead, she drew herself up and smirked at him. "Don't be silly, Arthur. Who do you think practiced with me with the dulled blades her father made?"
His eyebrows rose in surprise. He watched them leave and considered that whatever poor sod ended up with Morgana would be wise to keep sharp blades away from her.
With a sigh, he finished pulling off his armor. After a quick wash, he carefully drew back the curtains on his bed. He caught a fleeting glimpse of Merlin's eyes before the little boy ducked his head. Arthur could see how tense Merlin was under the blankets. Frowning, he pulled away the covers to find Merlin's free hand tightly fisted in fabric over his belly. "Merlin, what's wrong?" He moved Merlin's hand away but as soon as he put pressure on his abdomen, Merlin whimpered and tensed further. "Oh! You haven't relieved yourself. Well, here, let's get you on the chamber pot."
Merlin clutched tighter at the shirt we wore and began to frantically shake his head. Tears ran freely past his clenched eyes. Arthur frowned again and pulled the boy upright. "I'm just going to help you to it. I won't look, Merlin. Gwen brought the kind we use for small children. You can sit on it on your own." He was glad she thought to bring it. He would never have thought about something like that until the need arose.
Merlin dissolved into heart wrenching sobs as Arthur tried to sit him on the stool over the chamber pot. He wrapped his uninjured limbs around Arthur's chest and continued to shake his head. Now Arthur was just confused. "Merlin? Merlin! Calm down! You have to calm down! What's wrong? It's just a chamber pot. Surely you've used one before?" He received no response. He peeled Merlin off himself and placed the shaking boy on the stool. "There. Now just relieve yourself. I'm going to go stand by the door and I promise not to look. I'll come back in a few minutes." He hoped that giving Merlin some privacy would get the boy to calm down but even as he walked away, Merlin kept shaking his head.
He listened to Merlin's quiet sobs and counted to one hundred. He was exasperated to find that Merlin had not relieved himself. "Merlin, I don't understand. What is the problem? Everyone uses chamber pots."
At his tone, Merlin bit his lip and ducked down as if expecting a blow. Arthur froze and forced himself to take a deep breath. He hugged Merlin to himself. "I'm sorry, Merlin. I'm not angry with you. I just don't understand and until I do, I don't know how to help you. Can you tell me?" Merlin hid his head against Arthur's shoulder. "Can you show me? Like you showed me about your escape?"
He waited a few moments. "Please? Merlin, I can't help you unless I know what the problem is.
Suddenly he felt an urgent need to relieve himself, like he had been holding it for a long time. He moved to release Merlin but saw that the boy's eyes were glowing brightly. He had the disturbing feeling of losing control of his body but instead of relief all he felt was a deep burning pain. It was so intense that Arthur cried out and immediately the feelings disappeared. Letting go of Merlin with one arm, he reached around to check his trousers only to find them clean.
That was it then. He felt sick. He had never stopped to consider that that kind of abuse caused more than just the immediate pain during the act. If Merlin was hurt internally, the pain would be renewed with his body's daily cycles. He finally understood what Iseldir said that night when he healed Merlin. He drew Merlin's chin up and waited for Merlin to meet his eyes.
"Merlin, do you remember Iseldir? When you were sleeping, he used magic to heal you." Merlin looked down at his bandaged chest in confusion. "He healed you down there. You can see for yourself. Look." He pulled his shirt away to let Merlin see that all of the wounds around his groin were gone. "You are healed there. You won't feel pain this time. I promise. Trust me?"
Merlin met his eyes briefly once more before he nodded hesitantly. This time, when Arthur held him on the stool, Merlin kept hold of Arthur's arm.
Remembering that first day, Arthur knew Merlin was making progress. As he changed Merlin's bandages tonight, barely a week later, he noticed that Merlin was much more relaxed throughout. When Merlin looked up at him, without Arthur asking, he smiled down at him. "Good job, Merlin. You are getting better, here and here." He patted Merlin's bandaged chest and then his forehead.
Merlin's smile was small, shy, and brief.
Yes, Arthur was tired and feeling the burden of taking care of Merlin. He felt the strain of being forced to cooperate with Morgana and the guilt of hiding secrets from his father. He definitely missed spending time with his knights and drinking away the night with Leon. But it seemed to him in that moment, that he would willingly undertake it all again if it meant Merlin making Merlin smile once again.